eirce 


BOSTON. 


No. 


PECK'S  FUN: 


EXTRACTS  FROM  THE   "LA  CROSSE  SUN,"  AVD  "PECK'S  SUN,"  MILWAUKEE' 

CAREFULLY  SELECTED  WITH  THE  OBJECT  OF  AFFORDING  THE 

PUBLIC  IN  ONE  VOLUME 


JHE 


OF 


OF  THE  PAST  TEN  YEARS. 


IT  WILL   BE   FOUND   TO  CONTAIN 


HI*  Lecture,   "Samantha,  the  Blond   Mule,  or  How  I  Broke  the  Back-Bone  of  the 

Rebellion,"  the  Address   Delivered    Before  the  Northwestern   Dairymen's 

Association  on  "Cheese,"   Fourth  of  July  Address,  Agricultural 

Address,    Etc.,    Etc.,    Together   with    Nearly    all    those 

Shorter  Sketches  and  Crisp  Items  which  won  for 

him  his  Reputation  as  a  Humorist. 


COMPILED  BY  V.  W.  RICHARDSON, 


CHICAGO: 
BELFORD,  CLARKE  &  CO. 

1880. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  In  the  year  1879,  by 

V.  W.  RICHARDSON, 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


DEDICATION. 


OFFICE  OF  PECK'S  SUN, 

MILWAUKEE,  Wis.,  December  I,  1879. 
MR.  V.  W.  RICHARDSON,  ESQ.: 

DEAR  SIR  : — Your  letter,  asking  me  if  I  have  any  objections  to 
your  publishing  a  book  of  Extracts  from  PECK'S  SUN,  is  received.  In 
reply  I  would  say  that,  so  far  as  I  am  personally  concerned,  I  have 
none,  it  can't  injure  me  much,  but  I  ask  you  to  think  of  the  people. 
They  have  already  many  burdens  to  bear,  and  they  are  about  as  mad 
now  as  they  can  be,  and  I  fear  the  result  should  you  carry  the  thing 
too  far.  They  are  slow  to  anger,  but  once  they  are  aroused  they  would 
string  a  man  up  to  a  tree.  I  can  see  how  persons  can  stand  such  liter- 
ary stuff  in  installments,  but  come  to  choke  250  pages  down  them  at 
once  and  they  might  rebel.  You  may  mean  well,  but  if  you  have  a 
family,  and  you  are  not  prepared  to  take  your  chances  on  treading  the 
Golden  Streets  of  the  New  Jerusalem,  or  running  to  a  brimstone  fire, 
I  advise  you  to  think  twice  before  you  publish  such  a  book.  However, 
if  you  believe  with  Mr.  Ingersoll,  that  there  is  no  hereafter,  go  ahead, 
but  understand  that  I  am  not  responsible,  and  if  the  people  rise  up 
and  mob  you,  that  I  have  an  undisputed  right  to  get  behind  a  barrel. 
If,  after  this  warning,  you  conclude  to  preceed, 

ALLOW  ME  TO  DEDICATE  THIS  BOOK 

To  THE  AUTHORS  OF  "  BEAUTIFUL  SNOW," 

THE  ABLEST  POETS  OF  OUR  TlilE 
AND  MOST  FREQUENT; 

MAT  THEIR  NUMBERS  INCREASE,  AND  MAT  THKT  An, 
HOLD  OUT  FAITHFUL  TO  THE  EXD. 

You  see,  if  every  author  of  "Beautiful  Snow  "  buys  a  copy  of  your 
book,  you  are  a  rich  man.  Hoping  for  the  best,  yet  fearing  the 
worst,  allow  me  to  advise  you  to  get  your  life  insured,  and  wish  you 

success. 

Yours  Feelingly, 

GEO.  W.  PECK. 


IKTDIEX. 


Agricultural  Address 161 

Amputating  Woman's  Leg. .  .175 

Anthony,  Susan  B 6 

Artesian  Well,  Our 144 

Awkward  Squad  of  One 84 


Barbarism,  Western  States. ...  40 

Barnum's  Show  for  Sale 85 

Beecher's  Ice  House  in  Hell.  ..200 

Bennett  and  May  Duel 79 

Bedbug's  Mass  Sleeting 46 

Black,  Mayor,  &  River  Water.   25 

Blind  Pig,"The 37 

Boston  Lecturer  13 

do      Girl  and  Stockings.  ...    19 

Boy  Story  Papers 90 

Bov  and  the  Goat 141 

Bridge,  Miss  Mattie  A 38 

Bruce — Roscoe  Conkling 40 

Brooklyn  Man  &  Fit  Medicine.   97 

Buying  Stone  Crusher 28 

Burglarizing  a  Coffin  Factory. 240 

C 

Cameron,  Senator 15 

"Cash" j6 

Cardiff  Giant  Under  Arrest. . .   31 

Cairo  Tight-rope  Artist 51 

Can  a  Cow  Joke? 73 

Carpenters'  Self-raker  &  Bind'r.io6 
Can  a  Person  Live  on  Air?.  .  .  .177 

Cat  Teaser,  A 194 

Cheese,  Lecture 20 

Cheese-cloth 5 

Church,  Excitement  in  a 48 

Chewed  Flannel  &  Lace  Run's. 110 
Chapin  as  Single-han'd  Talk'r.i5i 

Chri-tmas 240 

Chicken's  Gizzards 6 

Challenge,  Negro 6 

Cholera  Morbus  and  Brandy.  .109 
Church,  Girls  Locked  in 9 


Chicago- -Sunday  School  Boys  15 

do      — Newspapers 19 

do      — Hotels 40 

do      — Lady  Cut  a  Dog.  ...   74 
do      — Canned  Bodies  for 

the  Heathens 83 

do      —Hotel  for  Men 87 

Cincinnati  Preacher  A 87 

Circus,  and  Three-Card-Monte  89 

Cider  for  Two 100 

Coachman  and  Girls 38 

Connecticut  Suicides 40 

Cucumbers  and  Science 19 


Darling  Kiss  my  EyelidsDown.no 

Dead  Soldiers." 16 

Democrats,  what  will  they  do?  38 

do  Dry  Removal 40 

Des  Moines  S.  S.  Teacher 49 

Dead  by  Hanging  vs.  Cucumb'r  140 
Dickinson,  Anna,  on  Stage.  . .  70 
Didn't  Know  Horse  was  Fast.  86 

Different  Months ^38 

Don't  be  Too  Nice 194 

Domestic  Tragedv,  A 180 

Dog,  Smith's  Wa"tch 78 

Dogs  Attacked  by  Sheep 52 

do  Rubber  Hunting 87 

Drake,  Frank,  Cowhided 106 

Dubuque  Doctor 25 

do  Umbrella  Repairers.  70 
Duke  of  Hamilton  and  the 

Sun's  Cashier 114 


E  Pluribus  Unum 223 

Editors  on  a  Spree 30 

do      Visiting  LaCrosse 70 

do      Wisconsin  Twins 83 

Editorial  Protector 34 

Emperor  and  Nihilism -148 

Excitement  in  a  Church 48 

Expedition  in  Search  Doughn't.2i3 


PECK'S  FUN. 


Fall  in  the  Rabbit  Market 146 

Fever,  Why  it  Didn't  Spread. .  52 
Female  Und'clo'es,  New  Style.  146 
Fire  New  Year's  Day,  The. . .  .215 
Fishing  for  Pieces  of  Women .  1 1 1 
Fire  Department,  An  Efficient  31 

Fly  Manufactory. . .  .  ^ 10 

Flour  and   Wheat   by  Tele- 

fraph  and  Canal 97 
du  Lac  Dogs 52 

Fond  du  Lac  as  Spark'g  Resort  76 
Fond  du  Lac's  Ungrateful  Dog.  239 

Fourth  of  July 55 

Front  Gates  and  Frost 68 

G 

Game  Laws  in  the  South 51 

Getting  the  Hang  of  Things.  .  50 

Getting  it  Down  Fine 71 

Getting  in  the  Wrong  Pew. ...  151 
Gently  Down  the  Stream  we 

Glide 191 

Girls  Before  and  After  Pic-Nic .  248 
Girls  Charged  with  Electricity .  5 1 

Give  us  War 101 

Glenn's  Falls  Editor 25 

Goose,  Hanscom's 7 

Go  West,  Young  Man 41 

Grant,  Mr.  U.  S 12 

do  Go  in,  Ulisses 101 

Green  Bay  Pet  Bear 46 

Greenback  Orator  &  Cramped 

Stomach 112 

Granite  Head  Cheese 141 

Grasshoppers  and  Wild  Geese.  173 
Great  Man  Departed,  A 245 

H 

Hamlin,  Hannibal 6 

Hanscom's  Goose 7 

Hanscom's  Colt 191 

Hash  Cutter 35 

"  Hazel  Dell "  Saloon 74 

Hatch,  Fred.,  Pigeon  Shooting  74 
Hell,  Ingersoll  and  Whisky. .  .  38 
He  had  her  Ear  in  his  Mouth..  iSS 

Hen,  The 218 

Hotel  Keepers  &  Rope  Lad'rs.247 
How  the  Old  Squaw  Preven- 
ted Bloodshed 181 


How  to  Reach  Young  Men.  . .  144 

Horses,  Seven  Year  Old 47 

Hug  me  to  Death,  Darling 76 


Ice  Boat,  A  Ride  on So 

If  Love  is  Blind,  Etc 76 

Ingersoll,  Hell  and  Whisky.  .  .  38 
Ingersoll,  Death  of  Bob.  ."....  f>-j 
Ingersoll  and  a  Kicking  Mule.  187 

Indian  Attack,  An 113 

India  Rubber  Angle  Worm.  .  .  180 
Itch,  The 5 


Jack  Styles  Won 39 

Jack-knife  Step  Ladder 243 

Joke  on  the  Hat 14:5 

Jones'  Fast  Horse 86 

K 

Key  Hole,  Looking  in 15 

Kee  Mon,  Converted  Chinaman  79 

Kilbourn  Gas  Spring 54 

Killing  Big  Game 115 


Langtry,  Mrs.,  "You  Bet". . .  .247 

Lay  up  Apples  in  Heaven 172 

La  Crosse  Nebecudnez'r  Wat'r.  147 
La  Crosse  Established  Busi- 
ness— Betting  on  Elections  87 

La  Crosse  Theatricals 66 

Lane's,    Mrs.,   Universalists' 

Bath 116 

Lake  Superior  Maple  Sugar..  .  93 
Lathrop's  Eyesight  not  Failing  97 

Labor-Saving  Invention 33 

Lewis,  Dr.  Dio,  on  Tomatoes..   27 

Legend  of  the  Lake 108 

Lightning-Rod  Peddler 19 

Liver  Pad,  Leadville  Beefsteak  38 

Little  Falls  Diaper  Pen 76 

Louisville  Mule 27 

do        Libel  Suit 46 

Love,  Ten  Days 49 

Loan  Exhibition 51 

Lord's  Supper  and  an  Oyster 

Supper 114 


PECK  S    FUN. 


Man  Who  was  Hung  for  Mur- 
der, The 220 

Madison  Letters 203 

Madison  Legislators 30 

Madison  Democrat,  Practical 

Joke 156 

Madison,  Magnetic  Artesian 

Well 171 

Mad  Minister,  A 157 

Mexico  in  Serious  Trouble.  . . .  154 

Meriden  Church  Deacon 27 

"  Mene  Mene  Tekel  " 95 

Milw'kee  Man  &  Our  Lecture.  101 
Milwaukee  River  Water. . .  .25-48 

Mineral  Water,  Effects  of 69 

Minnesota  Fire  Steamer 107 

Moody  and   Potter  Palmer's 

Driver 97 

Model  Collector,  A 94 

Moments  in  Life 6 

Musical  Critique,  A 13 

Mule,  A  Louisville 27 

do    StreetCar 36 

do    Oshkosh 76 


Nearly  Broke  up  a  Festival. .  .   44 

Nearly  Broke  up  the  Ball 155 

New  York  Policeman 72 

O 

Obituary  Articles 36 

O'Gorman  Edith,  Escaped  Nun  74 

Okalona  States'  Editor 101 

Oliver,  Joe,  Counting  Ties. ...   ^2 
Oshkosh  Jail,  Men  Fell  Out  of.   76 

do       Mule 76 

do       Skunk  in  Church 76 


Patent  Applied  For 77 

Patterson,  N.  J.,  Young  Man. .  30 

Pettibone's,  A.  W.,  Slate 5 

Petrified  Sturgeon 47 

Penzer,  Mrs.,  First  Offence 49 

Peck,  How  he  Put  Down  the 

Rebellion 117 

Perseverance  will  Win 176 

Peter  Cooper's  Air  Cushion. .  .200 

Pickerel,  When  to  Eat 36 

Pig,  The  Blind 37 


Piscatorial  Orphan  Asylum. .  .178 

Plea  for  the  Bull  Head 134 

Porous  Plasters  &  Turpentine  .  198 
Postal    Card,    New    Double- 
Barreled 114 

Politics,  Look  Not  Upon 70 

Political  Outlook,  The 247 

Pratt,  of  the  Menasha  Press.. .   36 

Prairie  Chicken  Shooting Si 

Pulcifer's  Biography  of  Leg- 
islators  89 

Pulled  the  Wrong  Thing 199 

Q 

Quebec  Corpse 51 

R 

Racine  Journal's  Accusation. .  89 

Raising  a  Mortgage .---1 

Raising  Children  in  Milw'kee  .112 

Rand's  Tom.,  Bear 116 

Read  or  Write,  Unable  to 12 

Result  of  Changing  your 

Business 82 

Reverand  Three-Card-Monte 

Chaps,  The 91 

Reeds  Tom,  of  Menasha  Press .  97 

do  Courage ....192 

Red  Wine  and  Tights 114 

Ride  on  an  Ice  Boat So 

Roman  Toga,  A 12 

Roosevelt,  Capt,  Attack 217 

S 

St.  Louis  Street  Lamps 6 

Safe  Investment,  A 159 

Safest  Business,  The 216 

Salt  Seller 9 

Satisfactory  Explanation 14 

Sardineindianapolis 98 

Schurz,  Karl 5 

do        and  Key  on  In- 
dian Business 200 

Self-Raker 34 

Seven  Year  Old  Horse 47 

Sewing  Machine,  Kind  &  G'tle  68 
Sentinel,  "Timely  Topics''  Ed..   72 

Selling  Clams 154 

Show  'Em  to  Me 187 

Siddons,  Scott,  &  her  Shadows .  1 16 

Silver  Wedding,  A 241 

Smith's  Watch  Dog 78 

Sons  of  Temperance  Festival .   54 


PECK  S    FUN. 


Soverign  Governor,  The 224 

Soldiers,  The  Dead 16 

Spanking  Machine 33 

Sparking  Machine,  A no 

Stone  Crusher,  Buying  a 28 

Street  Car,  Old  Maid  in 87 

Stockings  and  Beer 93 

Stuck  on  an  Easy  Word 96 

Sulky,  Jack  Styles  and.  Girl. ..   39 

Sun's  Alarm,  The 244 

Sun's  Solemnity 174 

Sun's  Outlay,  The. 171 

Sun  Sewing  Machine 109 

Sun  Excursion,  The 102 


Tar  and  Feather  Party 9 

Take  your  Latin  Straight 142 

Ten  Days  in  Love 49 

Telescope  Car 77 

Terrible  Scene,  A 150 

Three-Card-Monte,  The  Rev- 
erend Chaps' 91 

That  Cussed  Cow 137 

Thomas  H.  Cat 177 

Throw  Out  Them  Potatoes.  ...188 
They  Called  it  Fun 190 


Thanksgiving 234 

Toney  Slaughter  House,  A. . .  .244 

Toney  Vehicle,  A 140 

Toe  Nails,  Cut  Them 77 

Tomatoes 27 

Treating 16 

Trying  to  Save  Two  Shillings.    53 

Trying  Moment,  A 75 

Trains  Without  Conductors.  . .  r>y 
Trouble  at  Debating  Society..  .  193 

Turner,  John,  Burglarized 153 

Two  Chromoes 107 

W 

Watertown  Junction 195 

We  all  get  Behind  Something. 201 
Weather,  Striped  Stockings.  . .  153 
Why  the  Fever  Didn't  Spread.  52 
What  they  were  Fighting  for.  .  175 
Williams,  Blanche,  Recovers 

$10,000 46 

Wicked  Stand  on  Slippery 

Places,  The 88 

Will  he  Bleed? 174 

Woodcock,  The 17 

Woodhull,  Victoria,  and  the 

Presidency 31 


TRACTS 

/ROM    "PECK'S    SUN." 


LITTLE  ONES  FOR  A  CENT. 


It  is  more  blessed  to  give  than  to  receive,  the  itch. 


Up  from  the  west  at  break  of  day,  the  tobacco  signs  were 
rolled  out  and  the  devil  was  to  pay,  for  Carl  Schurz  was 
seized  with  fresh  dismay  and  got  about  two  thousand  miles 
away,  quick  as  a  palace  car  could  take  him.  Where  is 
Buchanan  Reed,  with  his  poetic  descriptive  talents  ? 


A.  W.  Pettibone,  one  of  Ripon's  dry  goods  merchants, 
had  business  in  the  Cream  City  Wednesday.  He  is  ten 
years  younger  than  he  was  eleven  years  ago  when  we  used 
to  buy  calico  of  him  and  tell  him  to  put  it  on  the  slate. 
Well,  in  those  days,  the  more  business  we  did  with  a  mer- 
chant the  older  he  looked. 


It  is  said  by  fashion  reporters  that  "cheese  cloth"  is  being 
used  for  ladies'  dresses  and  so  forth.  Those  who  have 
noticed  the  bandages  around  cheese  will  wonder  if  they  can 
be  made  up  into  dresses  without  retaining  the  odor  of  the 
cheese.  It  would  be  pretty  tough  to  take  a  girl  to  a  party 
who  had  a  suspicion  of  limberger  clinging  to  her  garments. 


6 

In  the  gizzard  of  a  chicken  killed  at  Ripon,  was  found 
fifteen  pins,  a  piece  of  corset  steel,  a  piece  of  hoopskirt,  ten 
hooks  and  eyes,  a  brass  garter  fastening,  and  the  heel  of  a 
gaiter.  The  name  of  the  lady  is  unknown. 

A  negro  who  was  challenged  at  the  Rome  (Georgia) 
election  by  a  white  man,  thought  it  was  a  challenge  to  fight, 
when  he  took  to  the  woods,  and  has  been  subsisting  on  roots 
and  herbs  ever  since. 


The  St.  Louis  street  lamps  have  the  name  of  the  street  on 
the  top,  and  all  a  man  has  to  do  to  find  out  what  street  he 
is  on  is  to  climb  on  to  the  top  of  a  house.  They  are  much 
handier  than  the  old  kind,  for  people  who  live  in  attics. 

Hannibal  Hamlin  gives  it  as  his  opinion  that  the  soldier 
who  suffered  with  dysentery  was  as  brave  as  the  one  who 
charged  a  battery.  In  behalf  of  thousands  of  comrades  wiio 
have  never  had  a  good  word  spoken  tor  us  before,  we  return 
thanks  to  Mr.  Hamlin. 


During  the  trial  of  Susan  B.  Anthony  for  illegal  voting, 
the  prosecuting  Attorney  got  one  admission  from  the  de- 
fense that  should  endear  him  to  the  hearts  of  the  American 
people.  He  compelled  Susan,  through  her  attorney,  to  ad- 
mit that  she  was  a  woman.  That  is  a  point  gained  that 
will  be  valuable  in  future  litigation. 


There  is  a  moment  in  the  life  of  every  married  man, 
however  humble  or  however  exalted,  when  he  feels  the 
humiliation  of  his  position,  and  blushes  at  what  is  expected 
of  him  A  moment  when  he  feels  as  though  he  would  pre- 
fer to  transact  the  business  before  him  through  an  agent. 
A  time  when  his  soul  would  fain  throw  off  its  fetters,  and  he 
feels  it  to  be  a  moral  impossibility  for  him  to  go  through 
the  task  assigned  to  him,  when  he  feels  that  he  had  almost 
rather  die,  if  he  were  satisfied  he  were  good  enough. 
That  time  is  when  he  has  to  go  into  a  store  and  inquire  of 
the  gentlemanly  clerk  if  he  has  got  any  fine  tooth  combs. 
He  looks  around  carefully  to  see  that  no  one  is  listening,  and 
asks  for  the  harrowing  instrument  of  torture,  but  is  careful 
to  tell  the  clerk  that  it  is  dandruff  that  is  the  matter. 


7 

HANSCOM'S    GOOSE. 


Negotiations  have  been  in  progress  during  the  past  week, 
between  Hanscom  and  the  editor  of  this  great  moral  paper, 
to  induce  us  tell  the  following  good  story  on  Steve  Martin- 
dale  or  Judge  Burton,  but  that  high  regard  for  truth  which 
has  always  characterized  THE  SUN,  and  which  has  kept  us 
up  under  the  most  trying  circumstances,  has  caused  us  to 
turn  our  back  to  the  tempter.  An  old  lady  from  the  country 
came  in  the  other  day,  and  asked  Hanscom  if  he  didn't 
want  to  buy  a  goose.  He  said  he  didn't  know  as  he  wanted 
any  goose,  but  the  old  lady  insisted  that  it  was  a  good  fat 
goose,  and  as  she  had  always  been  a  good  customer,  he  said 
he  would  take  it.  She  went  out  and  shortly  returned  with 
a  live  goose.  In  politics  the  goose  was  a  gander.  Hanscom 
was  a  little  disappointed  when  he  found  the  bird  was  alive, 
but  after  looking  it  over  to  see  that  it  was  not  wind  broken 
or  spavined,  he  paid  her  a  dollar  for  it.  She  said  the  feathers 
were  worth  at  least  seventy-five  cents.  Well,  the  goose  was 
put  in  a  boot  and  shoe  box  with  a  crack  in  the  cover,  to 
keep  till  noon.  First,  Steve  Martindale  came  in  to  collect 
pew  rent,  and  sat  down  on  the  box,  and  the  goose  reached. 
up  and  bit  Mr.  Martindale  near  the  pistol  pocket.  Steven 
tarried  but  a  moment.  He  said  any  time  before  the  first  of 
January  would  do  about  the  pew  rent,  and  with  his  hand 
on  his  heart  he  went  out.  It  seemed  as  though  everybody 
that  went  in  sat  down  on  that  box,  and  the  goose  welcomed 
them  all.  Frank  Hatch  went  in  to  try  on  a  pair  of  barges, 
and  had  no  sooner  sat  down  on  the  box,  than  he  jumped  up 
about  four  feet,  and  said  people  had  got  an  idea  that  be- 
cause he  was  on  the  police  force,  and  prohibited  from  taking 
his  own  part,  that  they  could  pick  on  him  all  they  chose. 
He  said  when  his  time  was  out  he  would  whip  the  man  that 
run  that  sabre  into  him,  if  he  died  for  it.  Then  a  woman 
came  in,  canvassing  for  "  Eminent  Women."  Hanscom 
didn't  want  the  book,  but  was  a  little  delicate  about  telling 
her,  so  he  asked  her  to  be  seated,  while  he  glanced  over  the 
pictures  in  the  book.  Of  course  she  sat  down  on  that  box. 
Hanscom  was  gazing  intently  at  a  steel  engraving  of  Susan 
Anthony,  and  wondering  how  one  so  young  could  be  so 
base,  when  the  book  agent  arose  unanimously,  snatched  the 
book  out  of  his  hand,  took  it  in  one  hand,  and  her  polon- 


8 

aise  in  the  other,  and  went  out  as  mad  as  a  hornet.  Hans- 
corn  said  he  never  saw  a  book  agent  tear  herself  away  so 
sudden  like,  and  he  wondered  at  it,  though  he  had  no  doubt 
the  goose  was  in  some  manner  responsible.  She  told  Forbes 
that  a  shoemaker  up  on  the  corner  stabbed  her. 

Pretty  soon  along  came  General  Kellogg,  the  great  tem- 
perance orator,  to  talk  to  Hanscom  about  reforming.  He 
tried  to  show  the  danger  of  even  putting  cider  in  mince 
pies,  as  it  led  to  dissipation,  and  when  a  man  once  got  to 
going  it  was  not  once  in  a  hundred  times  that  he  ever  swore 
off  and  stuck  to  it.  Sitting  down  on  the  box,  Kellogg  re- 
marked that  he  hadn't  tasted  a  drop  of  anything  intoxicat- 
ing in  over  two  years — (here  the  goose  took  a  couple  of 
mouthfuls  out  of  the  calf  of  his  back) — and  yet  at  times  he 
felt  a  sort  of  nervousness,  and  numbness,  and  a  twitching  up 
his  trowsers  legs,  that  showed  that  the  demon  was  still  at 
work  at  his  vitals.  He  was  just  closing  his  argument  with  a 
peroration  on  the  idea  of  having  procrastination  arrested  for 
grand  larceny,  when  the  goose  stuck  his  head  and  about 
eleven  inches  of  neck  up  through  the  crack  in  the  box 
cover,  right  beside  the  General's  leg,  and  commenced  hiss- 
ing. Kellogg  eyed  it  a  moment,  and  said,  "  Now,  Hans- 
com, no  fooling.  Is  there  a  goose  in  this  box?"  "Goose!" 
says  Hanscom,  "  of  course  not.  What  has  got  into  you  to 
think  of  geese?"  Kellogg  went  out  whistling,  "Cold  water, 
bright  water,"  and  thinking  how  natural  that  goose  looked. 

Then  Hixon  came  in  to  talk  about  the  United  States  Sena- 
torship,  and  the  comparative  chances  of  Carpenter  and 
Washburn.  He  leaned  against  the  box,  and  was  just  saying 
something  about  back  pay,  when  the  goose  reached  up  and 
took  back  pay  out  of  his  voluminous  coat  tail,  or  therea- 
bouts. He  said  he  didn't  know  but  he  was  going  to  be  sick, 
as  he  had  felt  a  kind  of  a  gnawing  at  his  stomach  for  some 
time,  and  now  it  had  got  around  to  the  small  of  his  back. 
The  Senator  adjourned,  and  Smith,  the  grocery  man  came 
in,  and  sat  down  on  the  box,  and  he  and  Hanscom  talked 
over  the  President's  message,  and  the  price  of  beans.  Smith 
is  a  man  of  very  little  feeling.  That  goose  bit  Smith  at  least 
twenty  times,  and  he  never  budged,  except  to  squirm  a 
tittle.  Then  they  got  to  talking  about  things  more  cheerful, 
ind  Smith  said  he  expected  to  die,  if  he  ever  did  die,  of 
ape  worms.  He  said  he  had  felt  them  coming  on  for  some 


9 

time,  and  he  was  going  to  take  out  a  fire  insurance  policy 
on  his  life.  When  Smith  went  out,  Hanscom  looked  at  the 
goose,  and  found  him  pretty  near  gone.  He  Lad  taken  a 
plug  of  Navy  tobacco  out  of  Smith's  coat  tail  pocket,  and 
was  wasting  his  substance  in  riotous  living.  Hanscom  took 
the  goose  home  under  his  arm,  but  it  rever  rallied  enough 
to  be  very  useful  or  ornamental  about  the  house.  A  dollar 
seemed  a  pretty  big  price  for  the  goose,  but  Hanscom 
wouldn't  trade  off  the  fun  he  had  with  it  and  the  book  agent, 
for  two  dollars  and  a  half. 


A  dispatch,  a  fresh  one  from  Nashville,  says  there  is  not  a 
barrel  ot  salt  for  sale  in  that  city.  A  city  is  getting  in  rather 
close  quarters  when  there  isn't  a  salt  seller  in  if 


A  gentleman  at  Fremont,  Ohio,  had  a  reception  at  his 
house  the  other  night,  and  when  the  guests  went  away  it 
took  the  host  all  night  to  wash  the  tar  and  pick  the  feathers 
off  his  person.  It  seemed  the  neighbors  didn't  approve  of 
the  way  he  had  been  carrying  on. 


The  Minnesota  legislature  is  about  to  strike  another  blow 
at  the  press.  A  bill  is  under  consideration  to  make  it  a 
crime  to  treat  a  man  to  a  glass  of  beer.  They  might  as  well 
say  right  out  in  so  many  words,  that  if  a  newspaper  man 
wants  anything  to  drink  he  has  got  to  go  and  buy  it.  Civ- 
ilization is  a  failure  in  some  of  those  fronties  states. 


Two  girls,  belonging  to  a  church  choir  at  Oshkosh, 
got  locked  into  the  church  the  other  night,  while  they 
were  talking  over  the  fashions.  They  gave  the  alarm, 
when  a  man  living  near  the  church  put  a  board  up  to 
the  window  and  they  slid  down  to  the  ground.  The 
most  singular  thing  was  that  after  they  had  got  safely  to 
the  ground  they  looked  mad  and  went  off  without 
thanking  the  man,  and  they  won't  speak  to  him  when 
they  meet  him.  He  couldn't  account  for  it  until  he  went 
to  take  the  board  down,  when  got  slivers  in  his  fingers  and 
scratched  his  thumb  on  a  shingle  nail  that  stuck  up  through 
the  board.  Some  men  are  mighty  careless.  He  says  he 
don't  care  only  for  the  other  hearts  that  may  ache. 


10 

A  FLY  MANUFACTORY. 


Flies  are  artificially  propagated  in  New  Jersey,  near  Pat- 
terson, where  an  association  of  men  have  invested  capital 
and  are  running  the  works  to  their  full  capacity.  Flies  are 
incubated  from  eggs  by  an  artificial  hatching  arrangement, 
and  the  young  flies  are  taught  all  the  deviltry  they  know 
right  in  the  factory."  Some  will  look  upon  this  statement  as 
false,  and  wonder  why  an  association  of  men  should  engage  in 
the  artificial  propagation  of  the  fly.  We  will  explain.  It  is 
well  known  flies  die  at  the  end  of  the  season,  and  if  it  were 
not  for  artificial  propagation,  there  would  be  none  the  second 
season.  The  parties  that  are  engaged  in  this  industry  are 
also  sole  manufacturers  of  fly-paper  and  fly-traps.  We  trust 
that  the  object  is  now  plain.  In  order  to  sell  their  paper 
and  traps  it  is  necessary  to  have  game  to  catch.  The  gen- 
tlemen had  engaged  largely  in  the  manufacture  of  fly-paper 
and  fly-traps  before  they  knew  that  flies  only  lasted  one 
season,  and  after  a  3rear  of  success  they  found  bankruptcy 
staring  them  in  the  face,  as  it  was  probable  they  would  not 
sell  a  sheet  of  paper  the  next  year.  So  they  organized  the 
"Great  American  Artificial  Incubating  Association  of  New 
Jersey,"  and  issued  a  million  dollars'  worth  of  stock.  We 
have  no  room  to  describe  the  hatching  of  flies,  but  it  is  like 
hatching  chickens  by  steam.  Some  of  the  best  old  flies  are 
kept  to  lay  eggs,  and  the  eggs  are  placed  on  cards  and  put 
into  an  oven.  They  hatch  out  in  twenty  minutes,  and  are 
ready  in  half  an  hour  to  learn  the  business.  First  they  are 
taught  to  wade  in  butter,  to  swim  in  cream,  and  to  get  into 
things  around  the  kitchen.  Then  the  young  flies  are  taken 
to  the  dormitory,  where  men  and  women,  engaged  for  the 
purpose,  are  pretending  to  sleep.  An  old  fly  and  a  hun- 
dred young  ones  are  placed  in  each  room,  and  the  old  fly, 
after  lighting  on  shirt  bosoms  of  female  white  goods,  in 
order  to  teach  the  young  flies  the  noble  art  of  punctuation, 
begins  to  get  in  his  work  on  the  sleeper.  The  old  fly,  after 
seating  the  young  flies  on  cuffs  and  collars,  calls  "Atten- 
tion ! "  and  after  buzzing  around  a  little,  lights  on  the 
sleeper's  nose.  The  sleeper  pretends  to  be  mad,  and  slaps 
at  the  fly;  this  is  a  mere  mattex  of  form,  however,  for  if  a 
sleeper  engaged  by  the  association  kills  an  old  stool  fly,  it  is 
deducted  from  his  or  her  salary.  As  the  old  fly  gets  away, 


11 

the  young  flies  laugh  and  want  to  try  it  themselves.  Then 
the  old  fly  lights  upon  the  lady  sleeper's  big  toe,  and  pro- 
ceeds deliberately  to  walk  up  her  foot,  ankle  and  calf, 
occasionally  stopping  to  bite.  This  is  very  trying  to  the 
alleged  sleepers,  causing  nervousness  and  a  twitching  of  the 
muscles,  but  they  must  not  injure  the  fly.  The  little  flies 
notice  everything,  and,  after  the  old  fly  has  caroused  around, 
and  tickled  and  buzzed,  then  the  young  flies  are  allowed  to 
practice  on  them.  The  persons  practiced  on  get  $6  a  day 
and  board,  as  it  is  a  very  particular  and  trying  situation. 
Then  comes  the  expensive  business  of  distributing  flies 
throughout  the  country.  Formerly  it  was  done  through 
book  agents  and  lightning-rod  peddlers,  but  that  was  found 
too  expensive;  so  the  association  originated  the  idea  of 
sending  out  regular  agents,  called  tramps,  to  introduce  the 
flies.  The  first  year  only  about  16,000  tramps  were  sent 
out,  but  the  business  has  grown  to  such  huge  proportions 
that  it  is  estimated  that  this  year  the  association  has  out 
500,000  tramps,  leaving  flies  around.  They  go  from  house 
to  house  begging,  and  before  they  leave  they  manage  to 
drop  a  few  flies.  Each  tramp  has  a  card  with  a  million 
young  flies  on.  After  he  has  partaken  of  his  meal,  and  the 
woman  of  the  house  is  out  for  a  shot  gun  or  a  dog  to  drive 
him  away,  he  slips  his  hand  up  his  sleeve  and  tears  off  a 
piece  of  card  containing,  perhaps,  10,000  young  flies,  and 
drops  it  in  the  wood-box  or  in  some  convenient  place. 
That  is  enough  to  start  on,  as  the  flies  breed  rapidly.  The 
next  day  the  woman  will  wonder  "where  on  airth  all  them 
flies  came  from."  The  company  has  distributing  points  all 
over  the  country— Chicago,  St  Louis  and  St.  Paul  being 
among  them — where  the  tramps  go  once  a  month  after  a 
new  supply.  A  card  will  last  thirty  days.  The  introduction 
of  the  fly-paper  and  the  fly-traps  is  easier,  as  the  articles  are 
sent  directly  to  druggists,  who  sell  them  to  consumers. 
Stock  in  the  association  is  worth  an  immense  amount, 
pay  ing  a  quarterly  dividend  of  twenty  per  cent.  The  only 
way  that  the  fly  nuisance  can  be  abated  is  to  kill  the  tramps 
as  fast  as  they  enter  a  community,  or  destroy  the  manu- 
factory at  New  Jersey.  We  have  exposed  the  nefarious 
business;  now  let  the  people  rise  up  and  crush  it  out  of 
existence. 


12 

A  ROMAN  TOGA. 


THE  SUN  is  informed  that  an  effort  will  be  made  at  the 
next  session  of  the  legislature  to  provide  the  members  of 
the  state  senate  with  what  is  called  a  "Roman  Toga,"  a  sort 
of  cloak  said  to  have  been  worn  by  Roman  senators  when 
the  senate  was  in  session.  There  is  nothing  that  could  give 
more  tone  to  the"  Wisconsin  senate  than  such  a  uniform. 
There  are  many  dignified  men  in  that  body,  whose  eloquence 
is  not  second  to  that  of  Demosthenes  and  Cicero,  but  they 
are  hampered  by  the  clothing  that  ordinary  men  wear.  A 
Roman  Toga  will  let  them  out.  Let  us  imagine  the 
motherly  Bingham,  presiding  aver  that  body,  wrapping  his 
toga  around  him  and  going  to  sleep,  while  Senator  Reed 
throws  back  his  cloak  and  reads  a  report  of  the  State  Board 
of  Health.  Imagine  Senator  Hudd,  making  one  of  his 
impassioned  appeals  to  the  democracy  to  stand  by  the  dog 
law,  in  a  Roman  Toga.  Gaze  upon  Joe  Rankin,  arising  in 
all  the  dignity  of  a  senator  from  Manitowoc,  throwing  his 
Toga  over  his  shoulder  and  moving  to  'adjourn.  Think  of 
Senator  Welch,  and  Bailey,  and  Paul,  and  all  of  them,  in 
Roman  Togas.  It  would  be  better  than  a  circus.  Of 
course,  there  will  be  some  granger  members  of  the  Assembly 
who  will  kick  against  the  expense,  and  they  will  say  that  it 
is  all  "poppycolic,"  but  the  effectiveness  of  the  State  Senate 
will  be  much  increased  by  Roman  Togas,  and  these 
grangers -must  be  frowned  down. 


An  ignorant  man,  unable  to  read  or  write,  has  lately  died 
in  Cincinnati,  leaving  an  estate  of  $250,000,  in  steamboats 
and  things.  What  a  lesson  this  circumstance  is  to  those 
who  will  fritter  away  their  time  learning  to  read  and  write, 
when  they  might  be  laying  up  steamboats  for  their  heirs  and 
assigns.  Knowledge  is  power,  but  steamboats  are  powerer. 


Mr.  Grant  has  been  made  an  honorary  member  of 
the  Allen  street  M.  E.  Church.  It  is  but  lately  that 
arrangements  have  been  made  to  get  people  to  heaven 
on  the  "honorary"  dodge,  and  as  this  is  only  an  experi- 
ment, there  will  be  a  general  desire  to  see  how  Ulisses 
makes  the  old  thing  work. 


13 

A  MUSICAL  CRITIQUE. 


The  second  Lecture  of  the  Library  Association  course, 
was  delivered  on  Tuesday  evening  by  a  female  lecturer 
named  Camilla  Urso,  on  a  fiddle.  The  lecturer  was  sup- 
ported by  a  female  singer,  two  male  clamseliers  and  a  piano 
masher,  all  of  them  decidedly  talented  in  their  particular 
lines.  The  lecture  on  the  fiddle  gave  the  most  unbounded 
satisfaction,  and  the  association  in  taking  this  new  departure, 
has  struck  a  popular  chord.  Scarcely  a  person  in  the  vast 
audience  but  would  prefer  such  an  entertainment  to  a  dry 
lecture  by  some  dictionary  sharp.  Of  the  performance  it  is 
unnecessary  to  go  into  details,  as  all  our  readers  were  there, 
with  few  exceptions.  The  fat  female,  Urso,  more  than 
carved  the  fiddle.  She  dug  sweet  morsels  of  music  out  of  it, 
all  the  way  from  the  wish-bone  to  the  part  that  gets  over 
the  fence  last.  She  made  it  talk  Norwegian,  and  squeezed 
little  notes  out  of  it  not  bigger  than  a  cambric  needle,  and 
as  smooth  as  a  book  agent.  The  female  singer  was  fair, 
though  nothing  to  brag  on,  while  the  male  grasshopper 
sufferers  sang  as  well  as  was  necessary.  But  the  most  agile 
flea-catcher  that  has  been  here  since  Anna  Dickinson's  time, 
was  sixteen-fingered  Jack,  the  sandhill  crane  that  had  the 
disturbance  with  the  piano.  We  never  knew  what  the  row 
was  about,  but  when  he  walked  up  to  the  piano  smiling,  and 
shied  his  castor  into  the  ring,  anybody  could  see  there  was 
going  to  be  trouble,  vie  spit  on  his  hands,  sparre'd  a  little, 
and  suddenly  landed  a  stunning  blow  right  on  the  ivory, 
which  staggered  the  piano,  and  caused  an  exclamation  of 
agony.  First  knock  down  for  Jack.  He  paused  a  moment 
and  then  began  putting  in  blows  right  and  left,  in  such  a 
cruel  manner  that  the  spectators  came  near  breaking  into 
the  ring.  Whenever  a  key  showed  its  head  he  mauled  it. 
We  never  saw  a  piano  stand  so  much  punishment,  and  live, 
and  Jack  never  got  a  scratch.  The  whole  concert  was  a 
success,  and  the  troupe  can  always  get  a  good  house  here. 


A  Boston  lecturer  astonished  his  audience  by  bringing  his 
fist  down  on  the  table  and  shouting,  "Where  is  the  religiosity 
of  the  anthropoid  quadrumana  ?"  If  he  thinks  we  have  got 
it  he  can  search  us.  We  never  saw  it  in  the  world. 


14 

A  SATISFACTORY  EXPLANATION. 


A  good  deal  is  appearing  these  days  in  the  papers  about 
a  minister  at  Lanesboro,  Minn.,  who  is  charged  by  a  girl, 
before  the  proper  authorites,  with  assaulting  her,  while 
passing  through  a  piece  of  woods.  She  claims  that  he  was 
stopping  at  her  father's  house,  and  as  she  was  going  to  the 
school  where  she  taught,  and  he  was  going  in  the  same 
direction,  to  preach,  he  offered  to  accompany  her.  In 
passing  through  a  piece  of  woods,  he  became  tired  and  sat 
down  on  a  log,  and  asked  her  to  sit  on  his  lap.  She  refused, 
and  he  pulled  her  to  his  lap,  and  acted  very  much  unlike  a 
minister,  and  she  sues  him  for  damages.  He  claims  that  he 
sat  down  on  the  log,  and  playfully  asked  her  to  sit  on  his 
lap,  that  she  attempted  to  do  so  and  fell  over  the  log  back- 
wards, and  in  trying  to  save  her  from  falling  he  touched  her, 
in  the  hurry  and  bustle  of  the  accident,  upon  the  foot,  and 
that  he  meant  no  wrong.  The  explanation  of  the  reverend 
gentleman  is  satisfactory.  We  can  see  how  it  might  all 
occur,  and  nobody  be  to  blame.  No  person  who  has  never 
traveled  through  the  woods  can  appreciate  how  tired  one 
becomes,  and  a  convenient  log  is  an  oasis,  as  it  were,  in  the 
desert.  And  how  natural  it  is.  when  one  is  so  tired,  to 
desire  to  have  a  large  girl  to  sit  down  in  his  lap,  to  rest  him. 
We  can  see,  at  once,  that  the  elder  must  have  been  awful 
tired.  And  after  she  had  sat  down  on  his  lap,  and  he  began 
to  get  rested,  how  natural  it  would  be  for  a  girl  to  lose  her  bal- 
ance. Girls  are  proverbially  careless,  and  the  way  they  make 
logs  now  days,  round,  with  no  place  smoothed  off  to  sit  upon, 
how  easy  it  would  be  to  fall  off  a  log.  No  man,  and 
especially  no  minister,  who  has  any  of  the  instincts  of  man- 
hood, or  who  possesses  the  least  gallantry,  would  sit  by  and 
see  a  young  woman  roll  off  a  log,  without  at  least  stretching 
forth  a  helping  hand  to  save  her. 

That  he  did  so  shows  that  he  is  a  gentleman  of  fine  senti- 
ment, and  a  man  in  whose  company  any  person  would  be 
safe  from  accident.  It  may  be  asked  why  she  did  not  sit  down 
on  the  log  beside  him,  instead  of  upon  his  lap.  No  person 
who  has  sat  upon  a  log,  in  the  woods,  would  ask  such  a 
question.  It  is  well  known  that  logs  in  the  woods,  are  filled 
with  bugs,  ants,  worms,  lizards  and  nurfierous  animalculae, 
that  run  riot  up  and  down  the  person  who  recklessly  sits 


15 

down  upon  it.  To  the  female  mind  there  is  nothing  so 
terrible  as  a  bug.  Few  woman  would  recklessly  sit  down 
upon  a  log,  when  there  was  a  man  there  to  protect  them 
from  the  bugs.  A  man  is  different.  For  him  the  bug,  or 
the  ant,  or  the  worm,  has  no  terrors.  That  is,  not  much 
terror.  To  be  sure,  a  large  sized  ant — a  No  1 1  ant,  for 
instance,  gently  meandering  up  one's  trowsers,  carrying  a 
worm,  is  not  the  most  pleasant  experience  in  the  world,  but 
we  become  inured  to  these  things  by  our  nomadic  life,  when 
we  go  to  picnics,  and  go  hunting,  and  are  inclined  to  be 
less  excited  than  the  other  sex,  who,  under  the  same  circum- 
stances in  which  we  are  composed  and  calm,  would  yell 
murder,  grab  their  skirts  and  fan  themselves  and  go  a\vay 
from  there  with  all  sails  set,  a  whooping.  So  it  is  proper 
that  man  should  occupy  the  post  of  danger  in  such  emer- 
gencies, and  furnish  protection  to  his  companion,  from  bugs 
and  crawling  reptiles,  and  a  girl  that  will  go  back  on  a  poor 
minister  and  sue  him  for  damages,  ought  to  be  talked  to  by 
the  presiding  elder.  We  think  that  the  minister  has  made 
out  a  good  case,  and  if  the  jury  is  composed  of  men  who 
have  ever  been  out  to  a  pic-nic,  and  who  know  how  bad 
the  bugs  are  at  this  season  of  the  year,  he  will  be  acquitted, 
and  the  girl  will  be  compelled  to  pay  the  costs. 


Chicago  has  a  boy  who  can  recite  his  Sunday-school 
lesson  with  one  hand  tied  behind  him,  on  a  carom  table, 
push  shot  barred. 

A  young  man  at  La  Crosse,  Wis.,  looked  in  the  key-hole  of 
a  girl's  bedroom,  and  ever  since  the  doctors  have  been 
trying  to  get  a  knitting  needle  out  of  the  place  where  his 
north  eye  used  to  be. 

Senator  Angus  Cameron  is  at  Topeka,  Kansas,  hearing 
testimony  in  the  Ingalls  investigation.  This  is  pretty  tough 
on  Senator  Cameron,  as  he  had  arranged  to  be  present  at 
the  West  Salem  fair,  in  his  own  county,  where  he  had 
a  cucumber  on  exhibition,  raised  by  his  own  hands — hired 
hands.  Senator  Cameron  is  one  of  the  greatest  cucumber 
agriculturists  in  the  nation,  and  his  speeches  on  the  rise  and 
fall  of  the  cucumber  are  marvels  of  eloquence  and  strict 
attention  to  business. 


16 

THE  DEAD  SOLDIERS. 


Since  THE  SUN  last  went  to  press  the  nation  has  paid 
tribute  again,  by  floral  offerings,  to  the  memory  of  those  of 
our  late  defenders  who  became  breast  works  for  more 
fortunate  men  to  stand  behind  when  the  leaden  invitations 
to  funerals  were  bejng  sent  north  by  our  dear  brethren  of  the 
south,  and  before  this  the  flowers  have  withered  while  the 
flowers  of  hope  in  the  breasts  of  office  seekers  have  blos- 
somed again.  There  was  not  as  much  political  monkey 
work  by  ambitious  political  volunteer  mourners  this  year  as 
usual.  The  time  has  been  within  a  few  years  when  the 
cross  roads  martyr,  and  the  ward  political  bummers  have 
begun  to  eat  onions  days  before  the  one  appointed  for 
decorating  the  silent  tenements,  in  order  that  they  might 
get  their" eyes  into  the  customary  state  of  dampness  to  touch 
the  hearts  and  the  votes  of  those  near  and  dear  to  the 
departed  heroes,  but  lately  people  who  had  any  respect  for 
those  who  fell,  have  looked  with  suspicion  upon  the  polit- 
ical crocodile  salt  water,  brewed  to  order  by  those  who 
would  profit  by  the  nation's  annual  funeral,  and  those  who 
have  often  heretofore  fired  a  mournful  mouth  salute  over  the 
graves,  that  the  echo  might  reverberate  across  the  hills  to 
the  ballot  box,  have  found  that  it  was  none  of  their  funeral, 
and  so  they  have  relieved  the  sincere  mourners  of  their 
presence  on  this  occasion,  and  used  the  holiday  to  pack  up 
their  fishing  tackle  and  fish  for  suckers  elsewhere.  The 
day  was  more  generally  observed  than  formerly,  by  a 
different  class  of  people,  and  the  day  will  grow  to  be 
more  observed  by  loyal  people  each  year,  and  he  who 
brings  his  political  axe  to  the  soldier's  cemetery  grindstone, 
to  have  an  edge  put  upon  it,  will  be  stopped  outside  the 
gate,  in  sight  of  the  little  mounds  that  he  would  desecrate, 
perhaps,  but  under  the  surveillance  of  a  policeman.  Let 
none  forget  the  duty  they  owe  to  the  memory  of  those 
whose  breasts  were  pierced  by  weapons  in  the  hands  of  our 
dear  friends  in  the  south,  but  let  every  man  be  a  detective, 
who  never  sleeps,  to  spot  the  men  who  would  climb  the 
political  ladder,  by  placing  it  upon  the  foot  of  a  soldier's 
grave,  and  taking  his  first  step  from  the  head  of  that 
grave. 


17 

THE    WOODCOCK. 


It  is  a  rainy  day,  and  nothing  has  occurred  of  a  local  na- 
ture, that  is,  nothing  of  a  hair  standing  nature,  so  we  will 
just  spoil  a  few  sheets  of  paper  relating,  in  a  Sunday  School 
book  style,  the  circumstances  of  an  excursion  after  wood- 
cock, the  other  day,  indulged  in  by  W.  C.  Root,  the 
Wisconsin  amateur  Bogardus,  Jennings  McDonald,  Captain 
of  a  breech-loading  steamboat,  and  the  subscriber.  In  the 
first  place,  it  may  be  well  to  state  that  the  woodcock,  or 
"  Timber  Doodle,"  as  Prof.  Agassiz  calls  it,  is  a  game  bird. 
We  know  it  is  a  game  bird,  because  they  charge  a  dollar 
apiece  for  them  in  New  York.  The  meat  is  about  as  sweet 
as  deceased  cow's  liver,  but  they  are  worth  a  dollar  apiece. 
The  "Timber  Doodle"  is  a  patriotic  bird,  because  he 
gets  ripe  on  the  4th  of  July.  He  is  about  the  size  of  a 
doughnut,  with  a  long  bill,  like  a  lawyer. 

We  took  passage  per  skiff  at  twelve  o'clock.  If  there  was 
one  drawback,  it  was  the  fact  that  the  oar-locks  of  the  boat 
had  been  mislaid.  After  consuming  an  hour  in  not  finding 
them,  Frank  Hatch  became  discouraged  at  seeing  us  lay 
round  the  levee,  so  he  tied  the  oars  on  with  tarred  rope  and 
we  got  off,  three  of  us  besides  the  other  dogs.  The  water 
was  so  high  that  we  crossed  Barren's  island,  only  having  to 
get  out  and  pull  the  boat  over  two  or  three  sand-bars  and  a 
raft  or  two.  Every  time  we  got  out  to  pull  the  boat,  the 
dogs  would  get  out  to  look  for  woodcock,  around  the  stumps, 
and  when  they  got  in  the  boat  would  be  full  of  water  and 
mud,  and  of  course  we  had  our  best  clothes  on.  Did  it 
ever  occur  to  you  how  much  water  a  dog  could  carry  in  his 
hair  ?  A  dog  is  worse  than  a  sponge.  An  ordinary  dog, 
with  luck,  can  fill  a  skiff  with  water  at  two  jumps.  Not, 
however,  with  us  in  the  boat  to  bail  out  the  water.  The 
woodcock's  tail  sticks  up  like  a  sore  thumb.  We  are  thus 
particular  to  describe  the  woodcock,  so  if  you  ever  see  one 
you  can  go  right  away  from  him.  Woodcock  and  mosqui- 
toes are  in  "cahoots."  While  the  woodcock  bores  in  the 
ground  for  snakes  and  other  feed  that  makes  him  fat  and 
worth  a  dollar  in  New  York,  the  musquito  stands  on  the 
ramparts  and  talks  to  the  boys. 

Well,  speaking  about  woodcock,  after  riding  five  miles, 
through  bushes,  brambles  and  things,  we  got  out  of  the 


18 

boat  and  only  had  to  walk  a  couple  of  miles  to  get  where 
the  birds  were.  Right  here  we  wish  to  state  that  we 
shouldn't  have  gone  after  the  woodcock  at  all,  only  every 
body  said  it  was  such  fun.  Root  showed  us  a  picture  of  a 
woodcock  in  a  book,  and  if  that  didn't  convince  us,  the 
fact  that  a  small  boy  came  in  town  and  sold  three  dozen, 
did.  Then  we  ^wanted  to  go.  There  never  has  been  a 
year  when  woodcock  were  so  plenty  at  places  we  didn't 
visit.  The  most  fun  was  at  a  ditch  which  was  about  a 
fool  wider  than  any  of  us  could  jump.  Root  gave  his  gun 
to  McDonald  and  plunged  in.  Then  McDonald  threw  a 
gun  to  Root.  It  hit  him  on  the  thumb-nail  and  drooped 
in  the  ditch  out  of  sight.  Me.  thought  it  was  Root's  gun, 
and  he  apologized  to  Root  for  throwing  it  so  careless. 
Root  supposed  it  was  Mc.'s  gun,  and  he  apologized  for  not 
catching  it.  We  never  saw  men  more  polite  in  the  world. 
Me.  started  to  jump  across,  when  a  dog  got  between  his 
legs,  and  both  went  in  up  to  their  knees.  You  never  can 
jump  as  well  with  a  dog  tangled  up  amongst  your  legs. 
The  dog  looked  at  Jennings  as  though  he  wanted  to  swear. 
We  waded  through  the  ditch  and  only  got  two  feet  wet. 
The  rest  of  them  had  more  than  that  wet. 

But  about  the  woodcock.  This  is,  kind  reader,  purely 
a  woodcock  story,  and  more  or  less  must  be  said  about 
that  dollar  bird.  But  this  is  neither  here  nor  there.  It 
was  over  in  the  Root  river  bottoms.  Finally  we  got  on 
the  woodcock  ground  and  went  to  work.  Talk  about  mos- 
quitoes !  There  was  no  end  to  them.  We  ought  not  to  say 
that,  either,  because  there  are  spots  on  our  person  that  just 
fit  the  end  of  a  mosquito.  There  was  an  end  to  them.  If 
you  never  saw  mosquitoes  in  convention,  you  want  to  go 
over  there.  But  right  here  we  will  give  a  recipe  for  keeping 
mosquitoes  from  biting.  You  take  some  cedar  oil  and  put  on 
your  coat  collar,  if  you  are  a  man,  and  if  you  are  a  woman 
put  it  on  that  gingerbread  work  around  your  neck,  and  a 
moquito  will  come  up  and  sing  to  you  and  get  all  ready  to 
take  toll,  when  she  will  smell  that  oil.  She  is  the  sickest 
mosquito  you  ever  saw.  She  turns  over  on  her  back  and 
sends  her  husband  for  the  nearest  doctor.  We  had  a  bottle 
of  cedar  oil,  and  if  Jennings  hadn't  left  it  hanging  up  in 
Hogan's  store  in  his  coat,  we  should  have  made  those  mos- 
quitoes sick.  As  it  was  they  did  it  to  us.  There  isn't  a  spot 


19 

on  us  as  big  as  a  billiard  table  but  what  you  can  find  arte- 
sian wells  made  by  mosquitoes. 

Woodcock  sell  higher  in  the  market  than  any  other  bird. 
Lots  of  people  that  never  saw  them  eat  snakes,  eat  them. 
When  they  get  up  to  fly  they  talk  Bohemian,  and  get'be- 
hind  a  bush.  You  shoot  right  into  the  bush,  and  if  you  kill 
one  you  think  you  are  a  good  shot.  Talk  about  getting 
tired.  You  walk  around  in  the  woods  several  miles,  with 
mosquitoes  getting  acquainted  with  you,  and  all  the  time 
your  nerves  strung  up  in  anticipation  of  seeing  a  dollar  bill 
fly  up,  and  if  you  don't  sleep  without  rocking,  we  are  no 
prophet.  The  sport,  however,  is  exhilirating,  and  we  are 
glad  we  went.  We  are  glad  because  it  learned  us  one  thing, 
and  that  is,  if  we  ever  want  a  woodcock  real  bad,  it  will  be 
cheaper,  easier,  and  better  to  buy  it.  It  will  be  inferred  that 
we  did  not  see  a  woodcock.  Such  is  the  case. 

But  we  made  the  blackbirds  sick. 


A  Boston  girl  says  :  "What  is  home  without  a  mother" 
while  the  old  lady  is  mending  her  daughter's  stockings. 
There  is  something  sweet  in  those  old  songs. 


A  dispatch  from  Chicago  says  that  three  men  were  shot 
on  "a  boat  used  for  the  vilest  purposes."  We  never  knew 
that  the  newspapers  were  printed  on  boats,  there  in  Chicago. 


A  lightning  rod  peddler  was  struck  by  lightning  in  In- 
diana, while  seated  on  his  wagon,  during  a  thunder  storm, 
talking  through  the  window  of  a  farmer's  rendence  trying 
to  induce  the  farmer  to  let  him  rod  the  barn.  It  was  the 
largest  funeral  ever  seen  in  Indiana.  People  went  miles  to 
see  the  deceased.  They  couldn't  believe  it  until  they  saw 
it  with  their  own  eyes. 


An  eastern  scientist  has  discovered  that  cucumbers  con- 
tain tape  worms.  Then  all  we  have  to  say  is  that  they  are 
selling  their  tape  worms  mighty  high.  Twenty  cents  for  a 
cucumber  not  bigger  than  a  clothes-pin,  that  can't  possibly 
contain  tape  worm  enough  to  go  around  in  a  small  family, 
is  outrageous.  But,  is  there  anything  eatable  that  does  not 
contain  something  bad,  except  the  bologna  sausage  ? 


20 
CHEESE. 


[Delivered  before  the  Northwestern  Dairymen's  Association,  in  Chicago, 
February  llth,  1879] 

Gentlemen  of  the  Cheese  Congress  : 

There  is  not  on  earth  any  product  of  the  human  mind, 
no  result  of  scientific  investigation,  that  holds  so  proud  a 
place  in  the  hearts  of  a  free  people,  as  cheese.  I  say 
product  of  the  human  mind,  though  it  must  be  admitted  that 
calves  runnel  lias  much  to  do  with  the  result.  You  back  up 
the  human  mind  with  calves  runnel,  and  nothing  is  impos- 
sible. Had  Edison  known,  or  appreciated  the  power  of 
the  calves  runnel,  and  had  he  applied  il  in  his  experiments, 
ihe  electric  lighl  might  have  been  a  success  before  this,  and 
the  world  could  have  paid  tribute  to  the  calves  internal 
improvements.  How  few  people,  when  they  see  Ihe  little 
brindle  calf  in  Ihe  barn  yard,  throw  his  "bunting"  to  the 
breeze  in  his  efforts  to  draw  nourishment  from  the  maternal 
fountain,  or  see  him  gambol  on  the  green  and  try  to  stand 
on  one  leg,  appreciate  the  power  within  him  for  the  amelior- 
ation of  the  condition  of  the  human  race.  How  few  people 
when  they  take  their  cheese  straight,  appreciate  from  whom 
these  blessings  flow.  How  few  there  are  who  would  know 
a  runnel  if  they  should  meet  il  in  the  streel.  And  yel  from 
what  is  done  for  us  in  ihe  way  of  making  ihe  product  of  the 
cow  a  mercantile  commodity,  fit  to  ship  to  the  uttermost 
parts  of  the  earth,  and  warranted  to  keep  in  any  climate,  I 
claim  thai  the  calf  should  be  honored  by  being  adopted  as 
the  emblem  of  this  nation,  instead  of  the  eagle.  What  did 
the  eagle  ever  do  ?  You  might  search  Ihe  eagle  from  Gen- 
esis lo  Revelalions,  with  a  search  warrant,  and  you  couldn't 
find  any  runnel  thai  would  bring  cheese  order  out  of 
milk  chaos.  Give  us  the  calf  as  the  national  emblem. 
Let  us  see  the  calf  emblazoned  on  our  banners,  let  him 
appear  on  our  currency,  and  let  us  bow  down  and 
worship  him. 

In  saying  that  cheese  has  a  stronger  hold  upon  Ihe 
American  people  than  any  other  decoclion,  I  am  aware 
that  I  shall  incur  the  enmity  of  the  aulhors  of  anolher 
article  of  American  diel,  but  I  am  prepared  to  maintain 
my  posilion.  I  allude  to  hash.  There  is  no  person  that 


21 

has  greater  respect  for  hash  than  I  have.  It  fills  a  want 
long  felt.  Its  manufacture  opens  a  field  for  the  indus- 
trious poor,  and  utilizes  many  an  article  that  would  other- 
wise be  a  total  loss.  But  it  does  not  contain  runnet, 
though  that  is  about  the  only  thing  that  is  left  out. 
Hash  has  her  claims  to  the  respect  of  our  people,  but 
she  can  never  take  the  place  of  cheese.  As  the  world- 
renowned  poet,  "the  Sweet  Singer  of  Michigan"  has  said 
in  her  immortal  literary  creation,  entitled,  "The  Broken 
Wash-bowl,  or  the  Chambermaid's  Revenge :" 

"Let  me  make  the  cheese  of  my  people,  and  I  care  not 
who  makes  their  hash." 

And  then,  she  adds,  as  though  her  soul  was  touched  on 
the  raw : 

"O  cheese,  where  is  thy  sting  ? 
O,  hash,  where  is  thy  victory  ?" 

Few  persons  are  aware  of  the  invaluable  aid  that  has  been 
rendered  to  science  by  cheese.  For  thousands  of  years  the 
darkened  intellects  of  mankind  were  chained  to  the  belief 
that  Man  was  originally  made  from  the  dust  of  the  earth — 
that  he  was  scraped  together  and  got  into  shape  in  the  same 
manner  that  children  manufacture  mud  pies,  and  that  he 
was  turned  out,  a  full  grown  man,  six  feet  high  and  forty 
years  old,  all  in  one  day.  Some  scientific  gents  held  that 
this  was  preposterous,  and  that  Man  was  the  result  of  evolu- 
tion— that  had  been  evolved  out  of  other  elements  of  nature, 
one  gentleman,  Mr.  Darwin,  claiming  that  Man  had  come 
up  from  the  lower  order  of  animals,  and  that  he  was  for- 
merly a  monkey.  The  Bible  men  wanted  proof  that  Man 
was  evolved  from  lifeless  material.  And  where  did  the 
scientific  rnen  find  the  proof?  Why,  in  the  cheese,  to  be 
sure.  Said  they,  "Here  is  a  cheese,  made  out  of  milk  that 
has  been  submitted  to  a  warm  place,  and  in  six  weeks  what 
do  we  see  ?  We  see  animal  life,  almost  as  big  as  angle 
worms."  It  is  thus  that  cheese  has  put  its  strong  shoulder 
to  the  wheel  and  helped  science  over  a  bad  place  in  the 
road.  But  Mr.  Darwin  only  goes  half  way  back  in  his 
Descent  of  Man.  I  go  further,  and  claim  that  the  monkeys 
from  whom  we  are  descended,  were  originally  skippers  in 
cheese,  I  go  still  further,  and  claim  that  the  entire  human 
race  has  descended,  in  a  direct  line,  from  cheese.  I  have 


22 

been  on  the  opposite  side  of  men  from  which  the  wind  was 
blowing,  and  had  the  strongest  and  most  conclusive  evidence 
that  they  were  made  of  cheese,  and  not  the  most  recent 
cheese,  either. 

As  great  a  power  as  cheese  has  become  in  the  world,  it 
has  not  fairly  begun  to  be  appreciated.  The  last  triumph 
that  cheese  has  attained,  is  being  introduced  in  the  army  as 
ammunition.  To-day  the  soldier  on  the  plains,  in  his  efforts 
to  get  away  from  the  Indians,  is  aided  to  a  great  extent  by 
cheese.  With  a  slug>of  cheese  in  his  holster,  he  bids  defi- 
ance to  the  red  devils  of  the  plains.  On  the  retreat  he  places 
his  cheese  behind  him  and  the  dusky  braves  decline  to 
follow.  When  charging  a  lodge  of  squaws  and  papooses 
he  waves  aloft  his  trusty  slice  of  cheese,  and  carries  terror 
into  the  camp  of  the  enemy.  They  fall  upon  their  knees  at 
sight  of  the  sanguinary  weapon,  and  beg  the  soldiers  to  take 
it  away.  In  all  the  recent  battles  with  the  Indians,  where 
our  soldiers  were  armed  with  the  deadly  breech-loading 
cheese,  victory  has  perched  upon  our  banners. 

"And  Sheridan  twenty  miles  away. 

The  disaster  to  our  arms  away  off  in  the  Big  Horn  coun- 
try, by  which  so  many  brave  men  were  destroyed,  could 
have  been  avoided  had  that  noble  little  band  been  armed 
with  cheese.  How  different  was  the  result  of  the  battle  a 
few  miles  from  the  fatal  battle  field  where  a  portion  of  the 
command,  under  the  gallant  Reno,  was  under  the  influence 
of  cheese,  as  shown  by  the  testimony  in  the  recent  investiga- 
tion. Cheese  saved  the  day.  Who  does  not  remember  the 
noble  words  of  the  patriotic  driver  of  the  pack  mules  on  that 
day,  who,  as  he  saw  the  Indians  running  one  way,  while  he 
was  running  the  other,  raised  in  his  saddle  and  shouted, 
"Give  me  cheese  or  give  me  death."  The  recent  invention 
by  which  cheese  can  be  reduced  to  U"  liquid  form  and  car- 
ried in  a  bottle,  fills  a  want  long  felt  by  army  officers.  But 
as  an  assistant  to  the  army  in  suppressing  insurrections  and 
exterminating  Indians,  the  cheese  has  many  advantages  not 
yet  enumerated.  Why  should  not  cheese  be  used  in 
offensive  operations  as  well  as  on  the  defensive  ?  By  the 
exercise  of  a  little  ingenuity  on  your  part,  fellow  cheeseists, 
it  can  be  done.  I  would  recommend  that  cheese  for  the 
army  be  made  in  sections,  with  hinges  at  stated  intervals  in 


23 

the  rind.  Then  sections  of  cheese  can  be  issued  to  soldiers, 
and  when  they  find  it  necessary  to  throw  up  intrenchments, 
they  can  dismount,  hitch  the  hinges  of  their  several  sections 
of  cheese  together,  spread  the  cheese-rind  out  on  the  ground 
set  up  on  the  edge,  get  behind  the  breastwork  and  bid 
defiance  to  the  bullets  of  the  enemy,  which  will  be  flattened 
against  the  boiler  plate  that  is  found  on  the  outside  of  all 
well-regulated  cheese.  Then  send  a  shell  loaded  with  lim- 
berger  into  the  camp  of  the  enemy,  and  watch  the  devas- 
tation. 

At  one  time  during  the  war,  parties  complained  to  Mr. 
Lincoln  that  Gen.  Grant  was  in  the  habit  of  indulging  to 
excess  in  the  flowing  bowl,  when  Mr.  Lincoln  shocked  the 
party  who  complained  by  saying  that  if  he  could  learn  the 
particular  brand  of  whisky  that  Grant  used  he  would  send 
a  barrel  a  piece  to  some  of  the  other  officers.  The  time  is 
coining  when  the  same  complaints  will  be  made  about 
officers  of  the  army  who  will  be  offensive  to  temperance 
people,  because  they  are  in  the  habit  of  allowing  themselves 
to  become  intoxicated  on  cheese.  Officers  should  remem- 
ber that  cheese  is  a  good  servant,  but  a  bad  master.  Do  not 
let  the  fatal  appetite  get  too  strong  a  hold  upon  you. 

The  many  uses  to  which  cheese  can  be  put  will  make  it 
one  of  the  most  valuable  compositions  known  to  science. 
It  will  take  the  place  of  the  mule  in  hauling  heavy  loads  on 
wagon  trains,  street  cars,  etc,  The  mule  is  liable  to  weaken 
in  trying  situations,  and  fail  to  perform  its  alloted  task,  and 
if  persuaded  with  a  hand  spike,  the  mule  is  liable  to  go  off 
when  no  one  thinks  it  is  loaded,  and  kill  somebody  or  break 
a  dashboard.  With  the  cheese  there  is  no  such  trouble.  In 
the  bright  lexicon  of  cheese  there's  no  such  word  as  fail. 
It  is  patient,  never  complaining  and  always  ready  for  duty. 
Many  think  the  cheese  cannot  be  domesticated,  but  if  taken 
young,  and  brought  up  by  the  hand  and  taught  the  rudi- 
ments, it  will  well  repay  the  owner  for  all  trouble.  The 
cheese  is  not  ungrateful.  It  appreciates  all  kindnesses,  as 
well  as  a  hired  girl.  It  will  ultimately  take  the  place  of  the 
locomotive.  In  fact,  I  have  been  in  emigrant  cars  that 
could  have  hauled  the  train  right  along,  if  the  locomotive 
had  been  left  in  the  shop. 

Cheese  is  liable  to  dispute  with  India  rubber,  for  a  place 
in  public  estimation.  Is  there  not  some  ingredient  that  can 


24 

be  put  in  cheese  to  make  it  of  the  consistency  of  an  overshoe . 
I  believe  that  cheese  can  be  made  as  impervious  to  water  as 
the  stomach  of  a  Democrat  or  a  Republican  politician.  If 
it  can,  then  a  new  field  is  open  for  it.  It  may  not  go  to 
congress — though  I  would  sooner  trust  a  good,  intelligent, 
sage  cheese  in  congress,  than  some  of  the  politicians. 
Cettainly  cheese  couldn't  do  any  hurt  there.  But  it  can 
be  made  into  many  articles  that  rubber  is  now  used 
exclusively  for,  such  as  overcoats,  belts,  car  springs,  and 
teething  rings,  and  it  will  eventually  take  the  place  of 
China  for  nest  eggs  for  hens.  There  is  a  great  future 
before  cheese,  but  it  must  not  be  expected  that  it  can 
attain  the  proud  eminence  to  which  it  is  entitled  in  a 
day.  There  are  prejudices  against  cheese  which  must  be 
overcome.  It  is  just  so  in  everything.  It  was  so  in  the 
case  of  the  bologna  sausage.  It  took  years  for  bologna 
sausage  to  rise  from  its  humble  sphere  to  the  place  it  now 
occupies  in  the  economy  of  nature. 

Bologna  had  to  combat  against  prejudices,  and  live  down 
scandal  as  to  its  origin,  with  which  the  names  of  respectable 
dogs  are  coupled.  But  it  outlived,  all  the  vile  stories  and  is 
to-day  enshrined  in  the  hearts  of  our  people,  in  ulsters  made 
of  riddle  string  material,  proud  in  its  conscious  victory  over 
as  implacable  an  enemy  as  ever  attempted  to  tear  down  a 
rival.  Let  cheese  keep  a  stiff  upper-lip,  decline  to  be  inter- 
viewed by  the  reporters  for  the  daily  press,  who  will  misrep- 
resent it,  keep  its  own  counsel,  and  it  will  walk  hand  in 
hand  with  bologna,  and  wear  laurels  on  its  brow.  But  it 
should  keep  out  of  politics.  There  is  nothing  that  so  blights 
fair  prospects  as  politics.  Cheese  in  politics  would  become 
a  stench  in  the  nostrils  of  our  people. 

There  is  no  doubt  whatever  in  my  mind  that  an  excellent 
article  of  marble  can  be  easily  manufactured  from  cheese. 
And  what  could  possibly  be  more  appropriate?— especially 
for  an  agriculturist,  a  member  of  this  Northwestern  Dairy- 
men's Association,  whose  whole  life  is  wrapped  up  in  the 
noble  calling  to  which  he  has  devoted  the  best  years  of  his 
early  manhood  and  his  prime.  As  he  stretches  his  wasted 
form  upon  the  couch  which  is  to  be  his  last  resting-place  on 
earth,  and  feels  the  icy  hand  of  death  laid  upon  him,  what 
could  be  more  consoling,  more  calculated  to  lighten  up  the 
gloom  of  trie1  last  dark  hour  of  dissolution,  than  the  thought 


25 

that  when  he  is  gone,  and  the  clods  of  the  valley  are  resting 
upon  all  that  is  mortal  of  this  earthly  tabernacle  of  clay,  his 
virtues  will  be  perpetuated  to  posterity  by  a  monument  of 
imperishable  cheese.  It  is  the  nature  of  marble  to  be  cold, 
hard,  stern,  odorless — throwing  an  air  of  gloom  and  dismal 
melancholy  over  a  sacred  place,  which  should  be  rendered 
attractive  and  pleasant  by  flowers  and  fragrance.  And 
what  more  fragrant  than  cheese  ?  Flowers,  with  their 
exquisite  aroma,  wither  almost  within  an  hour,  and,  like  the 
last  rose  of  summer,  lie  scentless  and  dead.  But  a  tomb- 
stone of  cheese — cheese  of  the  proper  consistency — \vould 
bloom  on  forever,  defying  the  elements  and  Time;  and 
when  Gabriel  sounds  his  reveille  on  the  glad  morning  of  the 
resurrection — a  morning  that  has  been  anticipated  to  a  con- 
siderable extent  in  medical  quarters — it  will  be  found  of  the 
tombstone  of  cheese  that  its  flag  is  still  there,  with  not  a  star 
erased  or  a  stripe  polluted. 

Forever  float  that  standard,  Cheese — 
Where  breathes  the  foe  that  flies  before  us  ? 
With  government  socks  beneath  our  feet, 
And  Lamburg  fragrance  streaming  o'er  us. 


A  Dubuque  doctor  tieated  a  baby  for  trichina,  and  when 
it  died  he  excavated  it  and  found  it  had  swallowed  a  hair- 
pin. He  says  if  it  had  been  them  worms  he  would  have 
made  them  sick. 

An  editor  at  Glenns  Falls  has  been  elected  Vice  Presi- 
dent of  the  Northern  New  York  Poultry  Association.  All 
he  knows  about  poultry  has  been  acquired  by  his  experience 
in  raising  a  rooster  at  the  head  of  his  columns  after  election, 
and  the  next  week  pull-et  down. 

Mayor  Black  and  a  corps  of  other  eminent  scientists 
have  been  analyzing  some  of  the  river  water,  and  looking 
at  it  through  a  window  pane.  They  rind  that  it  con- 
tains living  things  of  all  denominations,  things  that  look 
as  though  they  would  be  politicians  if  they  were  allowed 
to  grow  up,  and  all  kinds  of  worms.  They  are  of  the 
opinion  that  the  river  is  not  fit  to  drink.  It  is  a  proud 
moment  with  us  to  have  opinions  that  we  have  expressed 
thus  corroborated  by  such  high  authority.  Don't  drink 
river  water. 


26 

"CASH.1 


On  circus  day  Wr"H.  H.  Cash,  the  great  railroad  monop- 
olist of  New  Lisbon,  was  in  the  city.  He  had  just  made 
a  few  hundred  thousand  dollars  on  a  railroad  contract,  and 
he  decided  to  expend  large  sums  of  money  in  buying  dry 
goods.  He  went  into  one  of  our  stores  and  was  passing 
along  up  the  floor,  when  a  black  eyed  girl  with  a  dimple  in 
her  chin,  pearly  teeth,  red  pouting  lips,  who  was  behind  the 
counter,  shouted  "  cash,  here  /"  Mr.  Cash  turned  to  her,  a 
smile  illuminating  his  face  as  big  as  a  horse  collar.  He  is 
one  of  the  most  modest  men  in  the  world,  and  as  he  ex- 
tended his  great  big  horny  hand  to  the  girl,  a  blush  covered 
his  face,  and  the  perspiration  stood  in  great  beads  on  his 
forehead.  "  How  do  yeu  dew  ?"  said  Cash,  as  she  seemed 
to  shrink  back  in  a  frightened  manner.  They  gazed  at  each 
other  a  moment,  in  astonishment,  when  another  girl,  per- 
haps a  little  better  looking,  further  on,  said,  "  Here,  Cash, 
quick !"  He  at  once  made  up  his  mind  that  she  was  the 
one  that  had  spoken  to  him  the  first  time,  so  he  said, 
"  Beg  your  pardon,  miss,"  to  the  black  eyed  girl,  and 
went  on  to  where  the  other  one  was  wrapping  up  a  corset 
in  a  base  ball  undershirt.  As  he  approached  her  she  smiled, 
supposing  he  wanted  to  buy  something.  He  thought  she 
knew  him,  and  he  sat  down  on  a  stool  and  put  out  his  hand 
and  said,  "How  have  you  been  ?"  She  didn't  seern  to  shake 
hands  very  much,  but  asked  him  if  there  was  anything  she 
could  show  him.  He  thought  may  be  it  was  against  the 
rules  for  the  clerks  to  talk  to  anybody,  unless  they  were  buy- 
ing something,  so  he  said,  "Yes,  of  course.  Show  me 
corsets,  stockings,  anything,  gaul  dumbed  if  I  care  what." 
She  was  just  beginning  to  look  upon  him  as  though  she 
thought  he  had  escaped,  when  a  little  blonde  on  the  other 
side  of  the  store,  as  sweet  as  honey,  shouted,  "Cash,  Cash,  I 
need  thee  every  hour.  Come  a  running."  To  say  that  Cash 
was  astonished,  is  drawing  it  mild.  He  knew  that  they  all 
wanted  him,  but  he  couldn't  make  out  how  they  seemed  to 
know  his  name.  He  looked  at  the  little  blonde  a  minute, 
trying  to  think  where  he  had  met  her,  when  he  decided  to 
go  over  and  ask  her.  On  the  way  over  he  thought  she  re- 
sembled a  girl  that  used  to  live  in  Portage.  He  went  up  to 
her,  and  with  a  smile  that  was  chilklike  and  bland,  he  said, 


27 

"  Why,  how  are  you,  Samantha  ?"  The  little  blonde  looked 
daggers  at  him.  "  Didn't  you  use  to  wait  on  table  there  at 
the  Fox  House,  at  Portage  ?"  The  girl  picked  up  a  roll  of 
paper  cambric,  and  was  about  to  brain  him,  when  the  floor 
walker  came  along,  and  asked  what  was  the  matter.  Cash 
explained  that  since  he  came  into  the  store,  three  or  four 
girls  had  yelled  to  him,  and  he  couldn't  place  them. 
"There,"  says  he,  as  another  girl  yelled  "Cash,"  "there's 
another  of  'em  wants  me,"  and  he  was  going  to  where  she 
was,  when  the  floor  walker  asked  him  if  his  name  was  Cash. 
"You  bet  your  liver  it  is,"  said  Cash.  It  was  then  explained 
to  him  that  the  girls  were  calling  cash  boys.  He  thought  it 
over  a  minute  and  said,  "Sold,  by  the  great  bald-headed 
Elijah.  Won't  you  go  down  and  take  something?  Invite 
all  of  them.  The  girls  can  take  soda.  I'll  be  gaul  blasted 
if  1  ever  had  such  a  rig  played  on  me."  And  he  went  out 
into  the  glare  of  the  sunlight,  with  his  hat  pulled  down  over 
his  eyes,  and  just  then  the  circus  procession  came  along, 
and  he  followed  off  the  elephants.  There  are  lots  of  worse 
men  than  Cash. 


Dr.  Dio  Lewis  says  that  tomatoes  are  not  healthy.  Well, 
why  don't  they  go  to  taking  physic.  This  thing  shouldn't 
be  put  off  until  it  is  too  late. 


A  church  deacon  at  Meriden,  Connecticut,  while  going 
out  of  church  with  his  overcoat  on  his  arm,  let  a  pack  of 
cards  fall  out  of  his  coat  pocket  into  the  vestibule  of  the 
church.  In  picking  them  up  the  pack  scattered  all  around. 
To  add  to  his  embarrassment,  the  minister  came  along  and 
asked,  "  How's  that  for  high  ?"  Put  yourself  in  his  place. 


Some  men  at  Louisville  were  betting  on  the  weight  of  a 
large  mule,  when  one  man  who  was  a  good  judge  of  the 
weight  of  live  stock,  got  behind  the  mule  and  was  measur- 
ing his  hind  quarters,  when  something  appeared  to  loosen 
up  behind  the  mule.  Just  before  the  expert  died,  from  the 
kick  in  among  his  ribs,  he  gave  it  as  his  opinion  that  if  the 
mule  was  as  heavy  all  over  as  he  was  behind,  he  weighed 
not  far  from  47,000  pounds  and  a  trifle  over. 


28 

BUYING    A    STONE    CRUSHER 


The  proceedings  of  the  council  of  the  city  of  Milwaukee 
shows  that  the  aldermen  are  about  to  buy  a  stone  crusher,  to 
be  run  by  steam,  for  the  purpose  of  crushing  stones  to  be 
used  on  the  streets.  If  the  city  has  never  indulged  in  the 
luxury  of  a  stone  crusher,  it  should  interview  some  city  that 
has  owned  one,  before  it  closes  a  contract  with  any  party 
that  wants  to  sell  one.  Every  party  that  owns  one  does 
want  to  sell  it.  Statistics  show  that.  The  first  city  in  Wis- 
consin that  bought  one  was  Madison.  The  city  owned  it 
for  a  year  or  two,  and  after  that  no  man  that  was  in  the 
council  when  it  was  bought  could  ever  get  in  it  again.  The 
mayor  that  winked  at  the  purchase  of  the  stone  crusher  was 
defeated,  and  there  was  trouble.  No  person  would  ever  say 
what  was  the  matter,  but  you  say  stone  crusher  to  a  citizen 
of  Madison,  and  he  would  reach  his  right  hand  around  to 
his  pistol  pocket,  and  the  conversation  would  cease. 

La  Crosse  heard  that  Madison  had  a  stone  crusher,  and 
so  she  wanted  one.  La  Crosse  is  bound  to  have  anything 
that  any  other  town  has,  whether  it  is  a  railroad,  an  insane 
asylum,  or  a  speckled  hen.  La  Crosse  could  have  bought 
Madison's  stone  crusher  at  a  discount,  but  she  wanted  one 
new,  with  the  paint  all  on,  fresh.  Second  hand  stone 
crusher?  Not  any  for  La  Crosse.  So  the  city  ordered  a 
bran  new  one,  right  from  the  mint,  at  an  expense  of  about 
$5,000.  The  idea  was  that  it  would  be  about  as  big  as  a 
straw  cutter,  or  a  job  press,  and  people  were  anxious  to  see 
it  work. 

Finally  the  city  was  notified  that  one  train  of  cars  loaded 
with  the  stone  crusher  had  arrived,  with  red  flags  on,  be- 
tokening extra  trains  running  wild  behind,  and  the  city  was 
told  to  come  down  to  the  depot  and  pay  the  first  install- 
ment of  freight,  and  take  the  stone  crusher  away — that  part 
of  it  that  had  arrived.  The  aldermen  went  down  and  took 
an  inventory  of  the  hardware,  and  some  of  them  went  and 
jumped  in  the  river.  At  a  cent  a  pound  one  can  buy  a 
good  deal  of  cast  iron  for  five  thousand  dollars.  The  city 
bonded  itself,  and  paid  the  freight,  and  during  the  spring  all 
of  the  trains  loaded  with  the  stone  crusher  arrived.  It  was 
argued  that  the  »nly  way  to  get  the  stone  crusher  up  to  the 


29 

city  building  would  be  to  give  the  railroad  the  right  of  way 
up  town,  right  through  Main  street. 

Some  were  in  favor  of  letting  the  railroad  company  keep 
it  for  freight,  but  the  company  threatened  to  get  out  an  in- 
junction oa  the  city.  Finally  a  man  who  took  contracts  to 
move  brick  buildings  agreed  to  move  it  up  town  on  shares, 
and  during  the  summer  the  most  of  it  was  got  up  there  and 
corded  up  on  some  vacant  lots.  If  all  the  cast  iron  in  it 
came  out  of  one  mine  it  must  have  been  an  immense  mine. 
People  would  look  at  it  and  weep.  Every  alderman  swore 
he  voted  against  buying  it.  Occasionally  some  one  in  the 
council  would  suggest  that  the  stone  crusher  be  taken  out 
to  the  blufis,  a  couple  of  miles  and  set  to  work,  when  an- 
other one  would  move  to  amend  by  inserting  a  clause 
that  the  blufts  be  moved  into  the  city  to  be  crushed  as  it 
would  save  expense.  Then  the  matter  would  drop.  For 
three  years  that  stone  crusher  stood  there,  and  it  never 
crushed  a  pebble.  New  mayors  and  aldermen  were  elected, 
and  every  day  they  passed  that  crusher,  but  they  never 
spoke  to  it.  Finally  a  job  was  put  up  to  get  rid  of  it. 
There  was  a  man  there  who  owned  a  stone  quarry,  and  it 
occurred  to  somebody  to  sell  it  to.  him.  He  was  a  truly 
good  man,  and  did  not  believe  there  were  any  bad  men  in 
the  world,  who  would  kanoodle  him  with  a  stone  crusher. 
A  committee  was  appointed  to  sell  it  to  him.  The  com- 
mittee was  composed  of  men  who  had  traded  horses,  sold 
lightning  rods,  and  been  insurance  agents,  and  when  they 
told  the  poor  man  that  the  city  had  noticed  that  he  was  a 
deserving  man,  that  they  had  decided  to  help  him  along, 
and  would  sell  him  that  stone  crusher,  and  he  could  pay  for 
it  in  crushed  stone,  and  the  city  would  pay  him  in  cash  half 
a  dollar  more  than  the  stone  was  worth,  he  said  he  would 
take  it.  They  got  it  on  to  him  by  buying  crushed  stone  of 
him  and  paying  cash  for  it. 

We  have  never  heard  whether  the  man  lived  or  not,  and 
have  never  heard  whether  the  city  bought  any  stone  of  him, 
but  the  city  got  rid  of  it,  and  then  had  a  celebration.  Why, 
they  figured  it  up,  and  the  thing  could  crush  enough  stone 
in  twenty-four  hours  to  pave  the  streets  a  foot  thick  all  over 
town  and  thirteen  miles  in  the  country.  To  run  it  a  week 
would  bankrupt  the  State  of  Wisconsin.  It  could  go  up  to 
a  stone  quarry  and  tunnel  a  hole  right  through  the  hill.  It 


30 

was  the  biggest  elephant  that  ever  a  city  drew  in  a  legalized 
lottery.  Milwaakee  will  make  money  if  she  does  not  buy 
a  stone  crusher,  not  as  long  as  it  can  buy  stone  in  the  rough, 
and  have  it  crushed  by  tramps,  at  nothing  a  day. 


The  glory,  honor  and  history  of  a  winter's  work  at  Madi- 
son, for  the  average  legislator,  is  summed  up  in  a  little  item 
from  the  local  colums  of  his  home  paper,  which  he  cuts 
out  and  pastes  on  the  door  post  of  the  barn.  The  item  is 
as  follows :  "We  are  under  obligations  to  Hon.  So-and-so 
for  a  copy  of  the  Legislative  Blue  Book."  Years  hence  the 
hired  men,  when  it  rains  too  hard  to  work,  will  be  sitting  in 
the  barn,  on  up-turned  half  bushels,  playing  draw  poker  for 
kernels  of  corn,  when  some  fellow  who  has  been  "froze  out" 
will  catch  a  view  of  the  little  slip  of  paper  on  the  door  post, 
and  will  read  it,. and  will  turn  to  the  "Honorable  gentleman," 
who  had  just  raised  them  all  out  on  a  bob  tail  flush,  and 
raked  in  the  chips,  and  say,  "Why,  Jim,  was  you  ever  a 
member  of  the  legislature  ?"  And  Jim  will  wet  his  thumb, 
and  as  he  deals  the  cards,  will  say,  "Yes,  I  was  there  the 
winter  we  paased  the  law  giving  $5,000  to  the  Oshkosh 
steam  road  wagon.  How  many  keerds  do  you  want, 
Hiram  ?"  Fame ! 


The  other  day  the  front  door  of  the  Tribune  office  had  to 
be  closed  for  some  purpose.  So  Horace  wrote  on  a  piece 
of  paper,  "Entrance  on  Spruce  street,"  and  sent  it  down  to 
the  man  who  does  the  painting  of  the  bulletins  to  be  copied. 
The  man  studied  over  Horace's  tracks  all  the  forenoon,  and 
finally,  in  despair,  wrote  "Editors  on  a  Spree !  "  and  posted 
it  up.  The  passers  by  thought  the  circumstance  was  not 
unusual,  but  wondered  why  it  should  be  posted  up  so  con- 
spicuously. 

A  young  man  at  Patterson,  N.  J.,  has  caused  the  arrest  of 
his  girl  because  she  refused  to  entertain  his  offer  of  marriage. 
We  are  glad  the  strong  arm  of  the  law  is  to  be  brought  to 
bear  on  the  reckless  women  who  tamper  with  a  man's  affec- 
tions, and  then  when  they  are  brought  right  down  to  the 
sticking  point  say  they  were  only  tooling.  Thousands  of 
our  best  young  men  are  brought  to  an  untimely  hole  in  the 
ground  by  such  means. 


31 

AN  EFFICIENT  FIRE  DEPARTMENT. 


Eau  Claire  is  patterning  after  Madison  in  its  fire  depart- 
ment. They  have  a  steam  fire  engine,  and  horses,  but  the 
team  is  used  to  haul  stuff  around  town,  the  same  as  in 
Madison.  The  other  day  there  was  a  fire  at  Eau  Claire, 
and  after  the  building  had  burned  down  some  one  hap- 
pened to  think  of  the  fire  engine,  and  a  committee  went  to 
see  about  it.  They  found  the  engine  at  the  house.  The 
paint  was  all  on  it,  and  there  was  hose,  though  the  hose 
was  busted  in  many  places  and  eaten  by  tramps,  and  the 
flues  and  things  inside  the  engine  were  burned  out,  and  the 
pump  was  out  of  order.  They  couldn't  find  the  city  team 
that  usually  hauls  the  engine,  on  the  fourth  of  July,  and 
parade  days,  but  along  in  the  afternoon  the  team  came  into 
town  hauling  a  road  roller  which  it  had  been  using  out  in 
the  country.  It  was  said  that  the  driver  heard  about  the 
fire  through  a  tramp  that  passed  along  on  the  way  to  Chip- 
pewa  Falls,  and  as  soon  as  he  got  his  job  of  rolling  done  he 
came  right  into  town.  He  brought  the  roller,  believing  that 
in  certain  stages  of  a  fire  a  road  roller  is  better  than  a 
steamer,  especially  if  the  steamer  won't  steam  or  squirt. 
The  city  will  tender  the  department  a  vote  of  thanks  for  its 
efficiency,  and  the  driver  will  go  to  hauling  slabs,  and  one 
of  these  days  a  fire  will  break  out  there  and  burn  up  the 
engine,  and  half  the  town,  and  the  people  will  take  to  the 
woods  and  be  picking  pieces  of  burnt  shingle  out  of  their 
hair,  and  swearing  because  the  fire  team  was  down  towards 
Durand  helping  move  a  house.  Always  lock  the  bam  after 
the  incendiary  has  saddled  the  horse  and  drove  away. 


The  Cardiff  giant  is  under  arrest  at  Buffalo  for  debt,  and 
they  tried  to  get  him  out  on  a  habeas  corpus,  but,  bless  you, 
it  didn't  have  any  more  efiect  on  him  than  so  much  whisky. 


The  London  Circular  announcing  the  candidacy  of 
Victoria  Woodhull  for  the  presidency,  says  "The  lady,  from 
her  youth  up,  has  been  the  common  property  of  the  Amer- 
ican people."  We  charged  that  against  her  once,  when  we 
where  on  a  New  York  paper,  and  she  was  going  to  sue  the 
paper  for  libel.  Now  she  is  using  the  same  disreputable 
charge  as  a  campaign  document. 


GEO.  W.  PECK'S 


AUTOMATIC  URCHIN  CHASTISER, 


33 

THE    GREAT    LABOR-SAVING   INVENTION. 


Self-Raking,  Stem-Winding,  Breech- Loading,  Lock-Stitch,  Stern- 
Wheel,  Seven- Octave,  Non-Explosive,  Base-Burner  Automatic 
Urchin  Chastiser  aini  Combined  Hair  Comb,  Editorial  Protector, 
Hash  Cutter,  Beef  Steak-Pounder,  Assistant  Educator,  &"c. 


This  is  an  age  of  invention,  and  there  is  no  knowing  what 
a  day  may  bring  forth.  Prominent  educators  have  for  years 
racked  their  brains  and  consumed  midnight  oil,  to  devise 
some  method  whereby  the  youthful  student,  the  urchin  with 
thick-soled  pantaloons,  could  be  chastised  as  the  gravity  of 
his  offense  might  demand,  without  inflicting  a  more  severe 
punishment  upon  the  lady  teacher's  hand  than  upon  the 
child.  Previous  to  the  invention  of  this  machine,  principals 
of  schools  have  wept  to  see  their  assistants  go  around  with 
their  arms  in  a  sling  from  the  effects  of  punishing  scholars. 
In  many  instances  excellent  teachers,  who  loved  their 
calling,  have  been  compelled  to  resign  their  positions,  and 
get  married,  because  they  had  too  much  on  their  hands. 
The  matter  had  been  discussed  at  the  various  institutes,  and 
it  had  been  almost  decided  to  adopt  capital  punishment, 
instead  of  the  time  honored  taking  across  the  knee,  when 
the  inventor  of  this  machine  stepped  in,  and  by  the  simple 
device  above  illustrated,  has  saved  the  lives  of  many  valuable 
young  ones.  The  heart  of  the  inventor  was  touched  at 
seeing  a  frail  school-ma'am  with  her  right  hand  swelled  up 
to  the  size  of  a  canvass  ham,  from  agitating  a  boy  who  had 
wickedly  placed  a  piece  of  clapboard  inside  of  his  trowser- 
loons,  when  he  knew  that  the  teacher  was  on  the  war  path 
after  him.  He  was  a  bad  boy,  and  will  probably  fetch  up 
in  Congress.  The  teacher  was  weeping,  and  saying  she 
would  be  cussed  if  she  didn't  run  that  boy  through  a  thresh- 
ing machine  before  she  got  through  with  him.  The  idea  at 
once  struck  the  inventor  that  a  machine  could  be  constructed 
that  would  tan  the  jacket,  as  it  were,  of  the  young  Modoc, 
and  you  see  the  result  of  careful  thought  and  study,  in  the 
machine  before  yon. 

AS  A  SPANKING  MACHINE. 

What  a  change.     Instead  of  dreading  the  task  of  punish- 
ing scholars,  and  shivering  at  the  prospect  of  blistered  hands, 


34 

the  teacher  can  enjoy  the  performance,  and  look  forward  to 
the  hour  for  doing  up  the  day's  spanking  with  a  feeling  of 
pleasure  and  gladness,  and  the  frown  formerly  stereotyped 
on  the  face  of  the  average  school-ma'am  gives  place  to  an 
angelic  smile.  She  seats  herself  at  the  instrument,  with  a 
dime  novel  in  her  hand,  after  placing  the  condemned 
urchins  in  a  row  within  reach  of  the  hoisting  apparatus,  or 
ice-tongs,  and  smiles,  touches  the  snatch-brake  with  her  foot, 
and  the  doomed  urchin  is  launched  into — if  not  eternity,  he 
will  think  so  before  that  hand  lets  up  on  him.  With  a  smile 
playing  over  her  features  she  works  her  tiny  hoof,  and  the 
avenging  hand  descends,  the  boy  says  his  "now  I  lay  me," 
and  the  old  machine  works  as  though  endowed  with  life, 
liberty,  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness.  (Care  should  be  taken 
not  to  work  the  machine  too  rapidly  at  first,  as  it  may  make 
it  hot — for  the  boy.  Or  it  might  telescope  his  spinal  menin- 
gfiis,  with  fatal  results.  Any  teacher  can  work  it  all  right, 
after  perchance,  killing  a  few  scholars  of  the  cheaper  kind.] 
It  will  only  take  a  moment  of  treading  to  make  any  ordinary 
boy  sorry  he  enlisted,  when  he  can  be  dropped,  and  the 
next  can  be  snatched.  A  whole  school  can  be  spanked  up 
in  fifteen  minutes,  if  the  teacher  is  anything  of  a  treader. 
We  make  different  sized  machines,  suitable  for  the  primary 
department,  the  intermediate,  the  High  school,  the  Normal 
school,  and  the  State  University. 

AS  A  SELF-RAKER. 

The  ease  with  which  this  machine  can  be  changed  from 
one  thing  to  another  will  convince  the  reader  that  it  is 
almost  human.  It  will  remind  one  of  a  politician,  every 
time  it  changes.  To  change  it  from  a  spanking  machine  to 
a  self-raker,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  unscrew  the  "hand," 
remove  it  and  screw  on  a  fine  comb,  change  ends  with  the 
boy,  and  proceed  to  search  for  things  that  live,  and  move, 
and  have  a  being,  and  bite  boys'  heads.  This  will  tend  to 
relieve  mothers  of  much  searching  investigation,  as  the 
school  teacher  can,  by  simply  using  her  foot,  keep  the  heads 
of  all  the  children  free  from  the  festive  bug  that  at  times 
make  life  a  burden. 

AS  AN  EDITORIAL  PROTECTOR. 

Every  editor  in  the  land  will  thank  us,  on  his  bended 
knees,  for  this  invention,  as  it  solves  a  problem  that  has  dis- 


35 

turbed  the  minds  of  the  knights  of  the  scissors  for  many  gen- 
erations, viz :  How  to  exterminate  the  exchange  fiend,  the 
man  who  steals  exchanges,  when  you  are  busy  writing. 
The  editor  can  have  a  machine  sitting  in  his  office.  In 
'  place  of  the  hand  of  Providence,  we  screw  on  a  cast  iron  fist, 
weighing  seven  hundred  pounds.  If  you  desire  to  simply 
maim  the  fiend  for  life,  you  work  the  treadle  mildly  and 
merely  mash  his  eye  out,  and  italicise  his  nose,  and  break 
his  jaw-bone.  But  if  he  is  an  old  offender,  and  you  want  to 
make  an  example  of  him,  you  keep  treading,  and  the  pile 
driver  will  come  down  on  him  like  a  President  on  a  post- 
master, and  break  every  bone  in  his  body,  and  flatten  him 
as  thin  as  one  of  Colfax's  vindications. 

AS   A    HASH    CUTTER. 

To  transform  the  machine  into  a  hash  cutter,  it  is  only 
necessary  to  unjoint  the  hand,  and  put  in  its  place  an  ordi- 
nary chopping-knife,  and  set  the  machine  to  running. 
(Of  course  it  is  understood  that  the  boy  should  be  removed 
and  a  piece  of  beef  hoisted  in  its  place,  unless  you  are  fond 
of  boy  hash.)  We  have  testimonials  from  some  of  the  best 
hotels  in  the  State,  where  our  machine  has  been  used  as  a 
hash  cutter,  and  they  all  unite  in  pronouncing  it  the  most 
successful  aid  to  the  dissemination  of  meat  that  has  lost  its 
charm  for  boarders,  that  they  ever  saw.  Only  one  accident 
has  occurred  thus  far.  At  a  Madison  hotel,  the  proprietor 
had  been  chastising  one  of  the  dining-room  girls  with  the 
machine,  and  stepped  out  to  see  a  man,  leaving  the  girl 
hoisted  on  the  ice-tongs.  The  cook  took  the  machine  to 
cut  some  meat  for  hash,  and  forgot  to  take  the  girl  down, 
and  she  was  cut  finer  than  mustard  seed.  One  of  the 
boarders  was  the  first  to  discover  the  tragedy.  He  got  a 
piece  of  ear-ring  on  his  plate,  and  immediately  gave  the 
alarm,  but  it  was  too  late.  The  funeral  was  largely  attended. 
These  accidents  need  not  occur,  if  the  manipulator  of  the 
machine  uses  ordinary  caution. 

There  is  no  end  to  the  different  uses  to  which  the  machine 
can  be  put.  Anything  that  requires  a  horizontal  motion, 
can  be  done  better  by  machinery,  and  this  machine  will  fill 
a  want  long  felt.  But  it  is  as  an  urchin  chastiser  that  its 
principle  merits  lies,  and  in  which  its  owner  expects  to  amass 
a  fortune.  It  is  not  only  in  the  school-room  that  the 


36 

machine  can  be  utilized,  but  in  the  family.  Any  family  that 
has  thirty-five  or  forty  children,  can  make  a  machine  pay 
for  ilself  in  a  year,  and  the  work  can  be  done  much  more 
satisfactorily.  Where  families  are  smaller,  several  can  club 
together  and  own  one  in  partnership,  and  some  one  can  be 
appointed  to  chastise  the  whole  neighborhood.  The  inven- 
tion of  this  machine  opens  a  new  field  for  the  unemployed 
by  which  they  can  make  a  good  living.  Those  female  book 
agents  can  buy  a  machine  and  mount  it  on  a  wheelbarrow, 
and  go  about  from  house  to  house,  doing  jobs  that  any 
mother  would  be  glad  to  pay  a  quarter  to  get  off  her  hands. 


A  street  car  mule  fell  into  a  sewer  trench  on  East  Water 
street,  on  top  of  some  men  who  were  at  work  down  there. 
When  it  began  to  rain  mules  the  men  put  up  umbrellas,  and 
went  out  of  that  hole  real  quick.  One  man  said  the  mule 
seemed  to  stutter  with  his  hind  feet.  They  said  they  would 
rather  have  a  whole  line  of  street  cars  fall  on  them  than  one 
mule. 


Some  of  the  obituary  articles  in  the  country  papers  are 
tear-starters.  A  Peekskill  paper  speaks  of  a  recent  corpse 
who  "was  struck  down  by  the  hand  of  Providence,  and  not 
permitted  to  finish  the  French  roof  he  had  commenced  on 
his  house."  Such  sad  occurrences  come  right  home  to  all 
of  us. 


The  Waupun  Leader  contains  an  article  informing  its 
readers  "when  to  eat  pickerel."  We  did  not  read  the  article, 
but  suppose  of  course  that  the  Leader  says,  eat  pickerel  at 
meal  time.  Nothing  appears  so  much  out  of  place  as  to 
see  a  man  in  business  hours  walking  along  the  street  picking 
the  bones  out  of  a  piece  of  pickerel. 


A  justice  of  the  peace  at  Menasha  wants  to  kill  Pratt,  the 
editor  of  the  Press.  The  matters  have  been  compromised, 
however.  Pratt  got  the  justice  cornered  up  and  delivered 
one  of  the  speeches  to  him  that  he  delivered  during  the 
campaign  last  fall,  and  the  justice  got  on  his  knees  and  said, 
*'  Pratt,  this  thing  is  all  right,  I  surrender." 


37 
THE  BLIND  PIG. 


There  is  a  fortune  in  store  for  the  nigger  show  that  will  start 
out  traveling  and  leave  out  a  certain  old  joke.  There  is  one 
old  "gag"  that  always  appears.  When  Adam  and  Eve 
were  in  the  garden  of  Eden,  Adam  said  to  Eve,  "Can  you 
spell  blind  pig?"  She  said  if  she  knew  her  own  heart,  she 
could,  and  on  being  invited  to  spell  it,  she  took  out  her 
chew  of  gum  and  spelled,  "  b-1-i-n-d  p-i-g-"  Adam  told 
her  she  was  wrong,  and  proceeded  to  spell  it  "b-l-n-d  p-g," 
explaining,  that  by  leaving  the  "is"  out  the  pig  was  blind. 
Eve  smiled  a  sickly  smile,  but  Cain  and  Abel,  and  the  devil, 
who  was  sitting  on  the  rainwater  barrel  at  the  corner  of  the 
house,  laughed  right  out.  From  that  time  the  "  blind  pig  " 
joke  has  had  a  remarkable  career.  Millions  of  nigger 
shows  have  organized  on  that  joke.  When  a  manager  ad- 
vertises for  artists,  the  first  one  who  applies  is  asked  if  he 
knows  the  blind  pig  joke,  and  if  he  does,  and  can  repeat  it, 
he  is  engaged.  Then,  with  this  joke  as  a  nucleus,  they 
procure  other  talent  and  start  out  through  the  country.  It 
will  be  remembered  that  the  revolutionary  war  was  caused 
by  the  people  of  this  country  rebelling  against  English  nig- 
ger shows  palming  off  that  joke  as  new.  It  was  thought 
that  after  all  the  blood  and  carnage  of  that  war,  and 
that  of  the  southern  rebellion,  the  blind  pig  joke  would 
not  be  heard  again,  but  it  is  as  lively  now  at  nigger  shows 
as  it  was  a  thousand  years  ago.  A  new  nigger  show  is  or- 
ganized and  it  comes  along  advertising  that  everything  is 
new,  and  that  it  has  no  old  played-out  gags.  People  smile 
and  say,  "Now  we  will  go  and  have  some  fun."  They  fill 
the  hall,  and  after  listening  to  the  old  songs,  the  interlocutor 
says  to  an  imitation  ape  on  the  end,  "Are  you  much  of  a 
speller  ?"  The  cold  chills  run  up  and  down  the  audience, 
as  he  says  he  is  a  good  speller,  and  they  fear  the  old  joke 
is  coming  again.  Their  fears  are  only  too  soon  to  be  re- 
alized, for  the  next  thing  the  boss  asks  him  to  spell  "blind 
pig."  The  audience  at  once  places  itself  under  the  influ- 
ence of  chloroform  until  the  worst  is  over.  But  there  is 
one  idiot  in  the  gallery  who  laughs  at  the  blind  pig  joke, 
and  that  encourages  the  niggers  to  repeat  it  at  each  suc- 
ceeding performance.  There  is  evidently  no  way  to  stop 
that  old  joke,  unless  the  people  band  themselves  together 


38 

and  hire  a  detective  to  go  into  the  gallery  and  spot  the 
idiot  who  laughs  at  the  joke,  and  kill  him.  If  we  owned  a 
hall,  and  a  nigger  show  desired  to  give  an  entertainment,  we 
should  compel  the  manager  to  give  bonds  that  the  blind 
pig  joke  should  not  be  inflicted  on  the  audience,  or  they 
couldn't  have  the  hall. 


A  man  down  east  is  lecturing  on  "Hell,  Ingersoll,  and 
whisky."  If  the  lecturer  is  at  all  familiar  with  his  subjects, 
we  wouldn't  believe  him  under  oath. 


Mrs.  Mattie  A.  Bridge  is  meeting  with  great  success  in 
Minnesota.  In  some  places  she  is  retained  until  she  lec- 
tures four  times.  She  says  the  heart  of  Minnesota  is  warm 
towards  her.  We  shall  feel  inclined  to  put  a  head  on  Min- 
nesota, if  it  don't  quit  allowing  its  heart  to  get  warm. 


The  Wisconsin  asks,  "  What  will  the  democrats  do  ?"  We 
trust  it  is  not  betraying  a  confidence  reposed  in  us  by  the 
manager  of  a  party,  but  we  can  not  allow  our  neighbor  to 
remain  in  such  dense  ignorance,  as  long  as  we  are  possessed 
of  the  desired  information.  "What  will  the  democrats  do  ?" 
The  democrats  will  prove  an  alibi. 


A  boarder  at  a  Leadville  hotel  investigated  his  beefsteak  and 
found  that  it  was  a  fried  liver  pad  that  a  former  boarder  had 
pawned  for  his  board.  The  landlord  didn't  want  to  lose  it, 
so  he  had  it  cooked.  A  liver  pad,  if  nicely  cooked,  is  fine 
eating,  with  mushrooms,  but  of  course,  in  that  new  country 
where  they  have  not  all  the  cooking  utensils,  it  must  be  a 
trifle  raw. 


A  lady  correspondent  wants  to  know  what  there  is  about 
coachmen  that  makes  girls  fall  in  love  with  them.  We  do 
not  know  unless  it  is  the  smell  of  horses  that  usually  hangs 
about  them.  Girls  get  disgusted  with  the  smell  of  tobacco 
and  benzine  that  floats  about  the  young  men  who  are  al- 
lowed to  pay  addresses  to  them,  and  when  they  find  a  real 
nice  coachman,  who  don't  use  tobacco  or  whisky,  they  are 
so  desperate  that  they  fasten  to  him,  and  the  chances  are 
that  they  make  a  pretty  good  bargain, 


39 

'"JACK  STYLES  WON." 


We  never  saw  such  a  sight  before  and  never  expect  to 
again,  as  the  one  at  Salem,  during  the  last  day  of  the 
county  fair,  and  we  never  can  think  of  it  without  bursting 
right  out  laughing.  In  fact,  last  Sunday  in  church,  just  as 
the  minister  was  illustrating  the  solimnity  of  the  thought 
that  many  before  him  would  eventually  fetch  up  in  the 
neighborhood  of  hell,  we  happened  to  think  of  that  Salem 
scene,  and  if  it  hadn't  been  for  a  parasol  handle  in  our  fifth 
rib,  we  should  have  snorted  right  out.  A  Veil,  it  was  this  way. 
The  race  between  Minerva  and  the  two  Sparta  horses  was 
getting  interesting,  and  evey  inch  of  room  was  worth  money. 
Any  place  that  a  sight  at  the  home  stretch  could  be  had 
was  worth  at  least  ten  cents.  There  was  a  young  rooster 
there  from  Sparta,  or  somewhere,  with  his  girl,  and  he  had 
a  terrible  time  finding  a  place  to  see  anything.  The  grand 
stand  was  full,  and  every  wagon  was  loaded.  Finally  one 
of  the  drivers  pushed  a  trotting  sulky  off  the  track,  to  the 
left  of  the  stand,  and  the  Sparta  youth,  after  some  trouble, 
induced  his  girl  to  get  up  into  the  sulky,  after  he  had  faith- 
fully promised  that  he  would  stand  on  the  shafts  and  hold 
them  down.  She  said  that  if  he  didn't  hold  them  down, 
she  was  a  ruined  community.  Three  or  four  of  us  watched 
the  performance,  pretty  intently,  you  bet.  He  held  the 
shafts  down  alight  until  the  horses  got  on  the  home 
stretch,  and  all  was  excitement,  when  he  forgot  his  girl, 
home,  friends  and  kindred,  and  rushed  to  the  ropes,  to  see 
the  come-out.  He  had  not  got  more  than  ten  feet  from  his 
girl  before  that  sulky  seemed  to  be  alive.  It  reared  up  in 
front  and  kicked  up  behind,  and  the  girl  screamed,  and 
finally  the  sulky  flopped  over,  turned  the  girl  bottom  side 
up  and  spilled  her  on  the  ground.  For  a  few  seconds  the 
air  seemed  to  be  filled  with  sulky  wheels,  and  tall  stockings, 
and  fall  bonnets,  and  legs,  and  shafts,  and  back  hair,  and 
wild  shrieks,  and  gaiters,  and  garters  with  monogram  clasps, 
and  everything.  We  never  knew  how  the  heat  between  the 
horses  was  decided,  because  we  were  looking  to  see  if  she 
had  broke  anything.  She  laid  upon  her  ear  a  moment,  and 
clawed  the  ground  with  her  hands  to  hold  herself  down. 
She  said  she  was  stabbed,  and  finally,  remembering  that 
there  was  a  hole  in  her  stocking  she  got  up  and  shook  her- 


40 

self,  presenting  an  aspect  as  of  one  completely  "squashed." 
Forked  lightning  flashed  from  her  eyes,  and  just  then  her 
feller  came  back.  He  said  that  Jack  Styles  won  the  heat. 
She  said  dam  Jack  Styles.  Perhaps  she  didn't  talk  to  him 
for  letting  go  of  those  shafts.  But  they  finally  made  it  up, 
and  later  we  saw  them  at  the  Granger's  Hall  buying  pea- 
nuts and  grapes  of  Bob  Rand.  He  didn't  seem  to  mind 
the  expense.  We  hope  we  may  never  witness  so  soul-har- 
rowing a  sight  again.  All  the  time  that  sulky  looked  as  in- 
nocent as  though  it  hadn't  done  anything  to  speak  of. 


Bruce,  the  colored  senator,  has  caused  an  infant  born  to 
him  to  be  named  Roscoe  Conkling  Bruce.  Mr.  Conkling 
maintains  a  dignified  silence,  but  his  friends  deny  that  he  is 
in  any  manner  to  blame  in  the  matter. 


A  young  man  from  a  neighboring  suburb  who  passed  a 
night  at  an  alleged  first-class  Chicago  hotel  swears  he  caught 
cold  sleeping  next  to  an  iceberg.  When  the  beds  are  all 
full  they  put  a  man  right  into  the  refrigerator  with  the  cold 
meat. 


1'he  city  seems  to  be  in  favor  of  "dry  removal."  If  this  is 
an  underhanded  design  to  get  democrats  put  of  the  city 
previous  to  election  we  shall  oppose  it.  W^re  always  dry, 
some  of  us,  but  we  don't  propose  to  be  removed  and  placed 
on  a  reservation,  like  Indians. 


An  Iowa  man,  living  within  three  miles  of  a  railroad,  has 
never  been  in  a  car ;  has  never  been  courting ;  never  sat  on 
a  jury,  or  kissed  a  girl.  What  a  fearful  state  of  barbarism 
prevails  in  some  of  those  Western  States.  Bless  us,  and  he 
never  kissed  a  girl.  How  can  a  man  live  in  such  ignorance  ? 


In  Connecticut  the  method  of  committing  suicide  by 
going  to  bed  with  a  pipe  or  cigar  in  the  mouth  is  becoming 
very  popular.  In  many  localities  it  is  taking  the  place  of 
kerosene.  It  isn't  so  greasy,  and  don't  smell  so  bad,  and 
then  a  man  can  be  asleep  during  at  least  half  of  the  dying. 
Try  it,  and  put  a  stop  to  that  gigantic  monopoly,  kerosene. 


41 

"GO  WEST,  YOUNG  MAN." 


If  you  have  a  gun,  a  little  leisure,  dyspepsia  and  a  spike 
tailed  dog,  go  west,  and  chase  the  bounding  prairie  chicken 
over  the  plains.     We  had  nearly  all    of  these  things  last 
week,  so  we  instructed  the  domestic  to  call  us  early  mother 
dear,  and  on  Wednesday  morning  at  half  past  six  a  proces- 
sion of  one  could  have  been  seen  meandering  down  Main 
street,  a  grip  sack  and  gun  box  in  one  hand,  and  a  whistle 
to  try  and  steal  a  dog  with  in  the  other.     The  procession 
was   us,  heading  for  the  S.  M.  ferry   boat.      The   last   five 
blocks  were  made  on  the  run,  fearing  the  boat  would  leave 
prematurely.     After  we  got  on  board,  the  boat  waited  half 
an  hour  to  take  on  kegs  of  Michel's  beer,  which  goes  out 
into  Minnesota,  a  liquid  missionary,  to  convert  the  grangers. 
When  you  think  every  passenger  has  got  aboard,  fifteen  or 
twenty  more  will  come  straggling  along,  and  every  one  will 
say,  "Going  hunting,  eh  ?"     And  if  you  say  "no,"  they  will 
ask  you  what  you  have  got  in  that  box,  and  if  you  tell  them 
it  is  a  fiddle,  and  that  you  are  going  to  Hokah  to  play  for  a 
dance,  some  one  will  call  you  a  "lawyer,"  and  get  thrown 
overboard,  as  Ed.  Doane  did  almost.     Sitting  on  the  muzzle 
of  the  ferry  boat,  waiting  for  it  to  start,  and  seeing  the  peo- 
ple come  down  the  bank,  you  wonder  where  all  the  folks 
are   going,  and   who  woke   them   up  so   early.     There  are 
hunters,  traveling  men,  pleasure  seekers,  consumptives  and 
— editors,  waiting  to  cross  the  big  thin-bottomed  river.    The 
last  man  to  come  down  to  the  bank  is  the  dignified  Perkins, 
the  champion  conductor,  who  looks  as  though  he  would 
have  given  a  two  hundred  and  fifty  dollar  bill  if  it  had  not 
been  his   day  to  run,   and  if  he  could  have  slept   another 
hour.     Finally  the  last  keg  of  beer  is  on  board,  the  captain 
pulls  a  dingus,  the  engineer  winds  up  the  stem  winder,  the 
gang  plank  is  pulled  in,  and  the  McGregor  swings  around, 
the  freight  smells  of  rotten  eggs,  the  woman  on  the  sidewalk 
waves  her   handkerchief,  Doc.   Clarke  looks  out   the  back 
door   and   smiles  a  benediction,  and   away   we  go   for  the 
sand  bar.     When  a  boat  draws  three  feet  of  water,  and  the 
river  is  two  feet   and  a  half  deep,  there  is  every   probability 
that  she  will  get  her  bottom  rubbed  more  or  less,  and  that 
was  what  ailed    Hannah  McGregor,  but  she  went  over  the 
bar  as  though  it  was  made  of  lard,  and  landed  at  the  depot, 


42 

where  the  beer  and  passengers  were  transferred,  and  away 
we  went  toward  the  Root  River.  There  are  some  that 
doubt  that  the  Southern  Minnesota  Railroad  crosses  Root 
river.  We  know  it  does,  because  we  saw  it  more  than  forty 
times  before  we  got  across  so  as  to  stay.  It  is  said  that  the 
river  has  now  got  its  back  up,  and  crosses  the  railroad,  but 
that  won't  last.  Steering  carefully  around  Lanesboro,  where 
last  year  we  paid  half  a  dollar  for  a  lunch  of  brown  bread 
and  brindle  butter,  that  the  dogs  in  the  baggage  car  had  an 
indignation  meeting  over,  and  resolved  not  to  find  a  chicken 
tor  us,  which  resolution  they  kept,  the  train  was  soon  rolling 
over  the  prairies,  out  of  sight  of  land.  Station  after  station 
popped  up  out  of  the  wheat  fields,  and  the  farmers  seemed 
to  have  stopped  work  just  long  enough  to  stand  on  the 
depot  steps  and  see  the  train  go  by.  The  platform  of  a 
country  depot  is  an  interesting  study.  There  are  always 
four  boys,  one  with  a  black  eye,  one  with  the  seat  of  his 
pants  in  such  a  state  of  anarchy,  that  he  leans  against  the 
depot,  lest  the  lady  passengers  shall  view  the  scenery  from 
one  end  to  Revelations,  one  boy  with  brown  overalls,  one 
leg  in  his  boot,  and  one  boy  holding  a  bay  dog.  There  is 
the  man  with  the  mail  bag,  who  looks  at  the  passengers  as 
though  they  could  appreciate  the  responsibility  that  rests  on 
him,  but  the  depot  loafers  could  not.  There  is  the  depot 
agent,  with  manure  on  his  boots  and  a  dispatch  in  his  hand 
for  the  conductor.  There  is  "  Uncle  Jim,"  who  remem- 
bers the  first  railroad  that  ever  came  into  Ohio,  the  express 
man  who  receives  the  empty  egg  boxes  and  the  beer, 
and  three  fellows  who  cannot  read,  rushing  around  with  a 
nickel,  looking  for  a  newsboy  to  buy  a  paper,  for  the  wheat 
buyers.  Four  dirty  loafers  come  through  the  car  to  see 
the  passengers,  and  go  out  at  the  back  end  and  walk  for- 
ward on  the  platform,  chew  plug  tobacco,  and  make  re- 
marks about  the  ladies,  and  say,  "  be  Jasus,  she  is  purty," 
as  the  train  moves  off,  and  some  tired  lady  looks  out  the 
window.  Who  has  not  seen  these  people  at  a  country  depot 
almost  anywhere  ? 

The  ride  from  where  you  strike  the  prairie,  on  the  S.  M. 
Road,  to  the  bitter  end,  is  full  of  interest.  There  can  be 
no  such  wheat  fields  anywhere.  As  far  as  the  eye  can  reach 
there  is  nothing  but  shocks  of  wheat,  fat  shocks  that  look 
like  about  thirty  bushels  to  the  acre.  The  fanners  look,  as 


43 

they  lean  upon  their  rakes,  and  look  at  the  train  as  though 
they  defied  the  world,  the  flesh,  and  the  men  who  hold 
mortgages  on  their  farms,  in  anticipation  of  a  dollar  a  bushel 
for  their  wheat.  (Since  the  recent  two  weeks'  rain  we  have 
not  heard  how  they  do  feel). 

As  the  train  pulls  up  at  Grand  Meadow  a  sight  meets  our 
gaze  that  strikes  terror.  A  man  stands  there  under  a  plug 
hat,  the  picture  ot  neatness  and  dispatch.  In  one  hand  he 
holds  a  piece  of  bed  cord  attached  to  a  wet  dog.  In  the 
other  hand  he  holds  three  chickens  that  he  has  borrowed 
of  a  granger,  to  send  home.  Giving  the  chickens  to  the 
express  man,  with  injunctions  to  guard  them  as  he  would 
his  life,  the  plug  hat  falls  back,  a  woe-begone  expression 
passes  over  the  face  of  the  man,  he  jerks  his  dog  around, 
takes  his  gun  and  starts  off.  We  call  him.  It  is  Doc.  Pal- 
mer. He  says  he  has  only  killed  one  night-hawk,  with  a 
club,  and  wants  to  go  home.  He  says  chickens  are  scarce, 
as  Henry  Heil,  and  six  more  fellows  from  La  Crosse  have 
been  around  there  with  spike  tailed  dogs.  We  invite  Doc. 
to  go  to  Albert  Lea  with  us,  where  chickens  grow  on  every 
bush  and  where  a  man  can  kill  a  back  load  without  getting 
out  of  the  wagon.  He  accepts,  and  we  arrive  in  Albert  Lea, 
the  central  park  of  Minnesota,  after  taking  a  dinner  at  Ram- 
sey that  is  seldom  equaled 

We  want  to  tell  all  about  the  two  days  hunt,  how  Frank 
Fobes,  and  Frank  Hall,  and  the  rest  of  the  boys,  made  it 
pleasant  for  us.  How  Doc.,  after  he  found  we  wouldn't  get 
the  teeth  ache,  so  he  could  get  a  job,  tried  to  knock  our 
front  teeth  out  with  the  muzzle  of  his  gun  so  he  could  make 
us  a  new  set.  How  he  disguised  himself,  by  changing  hats, 
and  tucking  his  pants  in  his  boots,  till  his  own  dog  would 
bark  at  him,  thinking  he  was  an  Indian.  (When  a  man  gets 
so  mean  that  his  dog  goes  back  on  him,  it  is  time  something 
was  done).  We  want  to  tell  about  the  beauties  of  Albert 
Lea,  and  how  her  hospitable  people  contend  with  those  La 
Crosse  buzz-saw  appetites,  how  Doc.  got  beat  playing  cro- 
quet, in  the  rain,  and  everything,  but  as  THE  SUN  is  to  be 
continued  indefinitely,  it  will  do  at  another  time.  It  is 
proper  to  state  right  here  that  the  reason  we  did  not  send 
more  chickens  home  was  on  account  of  the  hot  weather. 
Those  we  did  send  spoiled  on  the  way.  Honest,  now,  they 
did. 


44 

NEARLY  BROKE  UP  A  FESTIVAL. 


One  bold,  bad  man,  around  a  church  festival,  can  do 
more  to  injure  the  cause  of  religion,  by  souring  the  tempers 
of  the  ladies,  than  a  barrel  of  vinegar.  Not  many  years  ago 
there  was  a  church  festival  in  Milwaukee,  to  raise  funds  for 
paying  one  of  the  many  debts  of  nature  that  churches  always 
owe.  The  festival  had  been  extensively  advertised  via  the 
pulpit  and  the  press,  two  institutions  that  go  hand  in  hand, 
especially  the  press.  It  was  to  be  a  grand  aggregation,  a 
combined  oyster  and  ice  cream  festival,  two  shows  combined 
in  one,  with  one  price  of  admission,  and  six  prices  to  get  out 
Everything  had  been  arranged  and  the  women  of  the 
church  were  in  the  basement,  working  like  beavers — that  is, 
we  do  not  know  as  beavers  ever  got  up  a  church  festival,  or 
that  women  ever  built  a  beaver  darn,  but  any  way  the 
women  were  working  awful,  while  the  men  stood  around  in 
their  shirt  sleeves,  tasting  of  an  oyster  here  and  something 
else  there,  asking  a  sister  if  she  thought  there  was  going  to 
be  much  of  a  crowd,  etc.,  and  all  was  business.  The  crowd 
began  to  arrive,  and  then  there  was  bustle.  We  do  not 
mean  the  kind  of  bustle  that  you  do,  gentle  reader.  We 
mean  business.  There  was  business  -going  on. 

The  deaconesses  were  flying  around,  with  their  arms 
rolled  up,  showing  dimples  at  the  elbows,  and  vaccination 
marks  up  on  the  calf  of  the  arm,  and  their  cheeks  were  red 
and  their  lips  looked  so  good,  and  wholesome,  and — O,  you 
know  how  it  is. 

The  ladies  had  aprons  on,  and  their  dresses  were  pinned 
up  so  the  deacons  could  observe  perhaps  one  stripe,  as  they 
looked  on  the  floor  for  the  nutmeg  grater,  or  something  that 
had  dropped.  A  committee  of  ladies  were  engaged  in  split- 
ting the  oysters,  before  cooking,  so  they  would  go  further, 
and  another  committee  was  thining  the  milk,  so  it 
wouldn't  give  anybody  the  dyspepsia.  Another  commit- 
tee was  freezing  the  ice-cream,  the  women  looking  on, 
while  the  men  turned  the  freezer.  They  had  been  freer- 
ing  the  cream  since  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  and 
here  it  was  seven  o'clock,  and  the  cream  was  thin  as  t 
linen  duster,  and  as  free  from  frigidity  as  when  it  came 
from  the  cow  or  the  hen,  as  the  case  may  be.  Th« 
deacons  put  in  salt,  and  ice,  and  the  more  they  turned 


45 

the  concern,  the  warmer  the  ice  cream  seemed  to  get 
The  deacons  perspired,  and  said  words  that  wouldn'^ 
sound  well  in  history.  Time  passed,  and  the  cream 
would  not  freeze.  Girl  waiters  were  coming  down  stairs 
with  orders  for  ice  cream,  and  the  wild  eyed  men  would 
take  off  the  cover  and  look  into  the  churn  and  find  it 
thinner  than  before.  A  council  of  war  was  held  in  the 
basement,  and  the  matter  was  discussed,  but  no  one 
could  give  any  information  that  would  freeze  the  cream. 
Finally  one  old  deacon,  who  had  been  working  the 
freezer  for  three  hours,  until  every  bone  in  his  body 
ached,  and  who  sat  on  the  bottom  step  of  the  stairs  with  a 
coffee  sack  thrown  over  his  shoulders  to  keep  from  taking 
cold,  and  mopping  the  perspiration  from  his  brow,  arose 
and  said,  that  desperate  diseases  require  desperate  remedies. 
He  said  if  that  cream  couldn't  be  induced  to  freeze,  the 
church  was  beat  out  of  at  least  twenty  dollars.  He  said 
that  there  was  only  one  way.  "Send  for  my  wife !"  said  he 
as  he  sank  back,  weeping.  The  man's  wife  was  up  stairs 
waiting  on  table,  and  a  sister  rushed  up  to  her  and  told  her 
to  come  down  stairs  at  once,  as  her  husband  was  in  a  terri- 
ble state.  The  good  woman  dropped  a  lot  of  soup  plates, 
and  rushed  down  stairs,  and  found  her  husband  looking  as 
though  he  had  been  playing  a  base  ball  match. 

"For  heaven's  sake,  Hennery,  what  is  the  matter?"  said 
the  darling  wife,  as  she  kneeled  at  his  feet,  and  took  his 
blistered  band  in  her  own  soft  palm. 

"Harriet,"  said  he,  as  he  put  his-  hand  on  her  auburn  hair 
to  get  it  warm,  "Have  I  always  been  -a  good  husband  to 
you?" 

She  admitted  that  he  had  as  far  as  she  knew,  though  he 
had  a  reprehensible  habit  of  going  down  town  nights. 

"Then,"  said  he,  "I  have  only  one  favor  to  ask.  We 
have  been  trying  for  three  hours  to  freeze  that  cussed  ice 
cream.  If  it  wasn't  for  the  church,  I  wouldn't  ask  it,  but 
Harriet,  something  has  got  to  be  done.  Now,  if  you  will 
take  off  your  shoes  and  stockings,  and  put  your  feet  in  that 
ice  cream  freezer,  you  can  freeze  that  cream  in  two  minutes, 
and  we  are  saved !" 

There  was  a  noise  as  of  a  ward  caucus  breaking  up  in  a 
row,  and  a  wild  eyed  deacon  might  have  been  seen  going 
around  that  room  in  the  basement,  trying  to  dodge  chairs, 


46 

and  plates,  and  cups  and  saucers,  and  when  he  got  to  the 
door,  and  a  soup  tureen  took  him  on  the  head,  he  went  out 
into  the  wide  world  and  went  home  in  his  shirt  sleeves,  and 
a  young  man  that  sings  in  the  choir  went  home  with  the 
deacon's  wife  later,  and  the  ice  cream  did  not  freeze. 


A  man  at  Green  Bay,  Wis.,  had  a  pet  bear  which  used  to 
sleep  the  in  same  bed  with  him.  The  other  morning  the 
doctor  called  and  said  the  man  couldn't  live  without  a  lot 
of  new  intestines.  As  billiard  players  say,  "it  was  a  damna- 
ble scratch."  The  bear  is  not  allowed  to  sleep  with  any- 
body now  unless  he  cuts  his  nails. 


The  bed  bugs  at  the  house  of  correction  will  hold  a  mass 
meeting  on  Sunday  afternoon,  to  protest  against  being  com- 
pelled to  exodus.  Prominent  bed  bug  speakers  are  expected 
to  be  present  from  several  third  class  hotels  in  Milwaukee, 
and  delegates  will  attend  from  several  county  jails.  The 
meeting  will  be  red  hot. 


In  a  libel  suit  against  a  Louisville  paper  the  plaintiff  was 
awarded  one  cent  damages.  To  show  how  popular  some 
papers  are,  it  is  stated  that  a  number  of  influential  capitalists 
immediately  stepped  forward  and  offered  to  loan  the  editor 
the  money  to  pay  the  damages,  without  any-  security  more 
than  a  chattel  mortgage  on  the  press  and  material. 


Blanche  Williams,  of  Philadelphia,  who  met  with  an  acci- 
dent at  Fairmount  Water-works,  by  which  one  leg  was 
broken,  and  rendered  three  inches  shorter  than  the  rest  of 
her  legs,  has  recovered  $10,000  damages.  It  would  seem, 
to  the  student  of  nature,  to  be  a  pretty  good  price  for  three 
inches  of  ordinary  leg,  but  then  some  people  will  make  such 
a  fuss. 


The  regular  weekly  murder  is  reported  from  Peshtigo. 
Two  men  named  Glass  and  Penrue,  got  to  quarreling  about 
a  girl,  in  a  hay  loft,  over  a  barn.  Glass  stabbed  Penrue 
quite  a  number  of  times  and  he  died.  There  is  nothing 
much  more  dangerous,  unless  it  is  kerosene,  than  two  men 
and  a  girl,  in  a  hay  loft  quarreling. 


47 

SEVEN  YEAR  OLD  HORSES. 


An  old  farmer  once  said,  "What  a  year  it  must  have  been 
for  colts  seven  years  ago  this  spring."  No  person  who  has 
never  attempted  to  buy  a  horse  can  appreciate  the  remark, 
but  if  he  will  let  it  be  known  that  he  wants  to  buy  a  good 
horse,  he  will  be  struck  with  the  circumstance  that  all  the 
horses  that  are  of  any  particular  account  were  born  seven 
years  ago.  Occasionally  there  is  one  that  is  six  years  old, 
but  they  are  not  plenty.  Now,  those  of  us  who  lived  around 
here  seven  years  ago  did  not  have  our  attention  called  to 
the  fact  that  the  country  was  flooded  with  colts.  There 
were  very  few  twin  colts,  and  it  was  seldom  that  a  mother 
had  half  a  dozen  colts  following  her.  Farmers  and  stock 
raisers  did  not  go  around  worrying  about  what  they  were 
going  to  do  with  so  many  colts.  The  papers,  if  we  recol- 
lect right,  were  not  filled  with  accounts  of  the  extraordinary 
number  of  colts  born.  And  yet  it  must  have  been  a  terrible 
year  for  colts,  because  there  are  only  six  horses  in  Milwaukee 
that  are  over  seven  years  old,  but  one  of  them  was  found  to 
have  been  pretty  well  along  in  years  when  he  worked  in 
Burnham's  brick  yard  in  1848,  and  finally  the  owner  owned 
up  that  he  was  mistaken  twenty-six  years.  What  a  mortality 
there  must  have  been  among  horses  that  would  now  be 
eight,  nine  or  ten  years  old.  There  are  none  of  them  left. 
And  a  year  from  now,  when  our  present  stock  of  horses 
would  naturally  be  eight  years  old  they  will  all  be  dead,  and 
a  new  lot  of  seven  years  old  horses  will  take  their  places. 
It  is  singular,  but  it  is  true.  That  is,  it  is  true  unless  horse 
dealers  lie,  and  THE  SUN  would  be  slow  to  charge  so  grave 
a  crime  upon  a  useful  and  enterprising  class  of  citizens. 
No,  it  cannot  be,  and  yet,  don't  it  seem  peculiar  that  all  the 
horses  in  this  broad  land  are  seven  years  old  this  spring  ? 
We  leave  the  subject  for  the  youth  of  the  land  to  Bonder 
over.  It  beats  us. 


A  petrified  sturgeon  has  been  found  in  a  stone  quarry  at 
Appleton.  It  will  be  just  our  luck  to  be  quartered  on 
somebody  at  the  editorial  convention  that  will  try  to  cook 
that  sturgeon  so  it  can  be  served  on  the  table.  However,  a 
petrified  sturgeon  must  be  an  improvement  over  a  fresh 
sturgeon. 


48 

EXCITEMENT  IN  A  CHURCH. 


One  day  last  week,  at  Oshkosh,  a  man  came  down  on 
the  main  street,  with  his  hair  flying,  and  said  there  was  a 
ghost  in  the  church  steeple.  Men  looked  at  each  other  and 
turned  pale.  The  man  said  that  the  ghost  was  pounding 
away  up  in  the  steeple,  and  it  sounded  like  a  section  of  the 
day  of  judgment.  In  about  five  minutes  a  hundred  men 
had  got  together  at  the  Beckwith  House,  to  talk  it  over. 
They  threw  the  dice  to  see  who  should  go  up  to  the  church 
and  reconnoiter.  It  fell  on  George  Cameron.  He  said  it 
was  just  his  condemned  luck.  He  looked  in  a  tumbler, 
there  being  no  mirror,  to  see  if  he  looked  well  enough  to  go 
to  church,  and  then  started  out,  after  shaking  hands  with 
Beckwith.  "If  I  fall,"  said  he  to  the  boys,  "tell  them  that  I 
fell  with  my  face  to  the  front,"  and  away  he  went.  There 
was  not  a  dry  eye  in  the  place,  though  the  excitement 
caused  other  dry  spots  to  appear.  There  was  a  sand  bar  in 
every  throat.  While  the  scout  was  gone,  the  boys  talked  it 
over.  Tom  Wall  said  he  had  felt  all  along  as  though  so 
many  churches  in  Oshkosh  would  lead  to  some  trouble. 
Bill  Wall  said  he  knew  that  ghost  story  was  just  a  conspiracy 
to  get  the  boys  to  church.  Pretty  soon  Cameron  came 
back  and  said  there  was  something  in  that  steeple,  as  sure  as 
you  live,  and  it  made  a  noise  like  a  boiler  factory.  He  said 
he  didn't  know  anything  about  ghosts,  and  didn't  see  any 
white  winding  sheet,  but  he  said  he  knew  the  devil  was  to 
pay  in  that  steeple.  The  whole  crowd  decided  to  go  to  the 
church,  and  as  they  moved  toward  the  structure  in  solemn 
procession,  the  sight  was  so  unusual  that  the  whole  popula- 
tion followed.  It  was  a  beautiful  sight  to  see  thousands  of 
people  gazing  up  to  the  steeple  of  the  sacred  edifice.  The 
noise  inside  was  something  they  had  never  heard  before. 
It  was  as  though  spirits  were  rapping  very  loud,  and  the 
sound  reverberated.  Some  rolled  their  eyes  heavenward 
and  fervently  prayed  mentally  that  no  harm  would  befall 
them.  Tom  Wall  said  his  plan  would  be  to  call  out  the 
fire  department  and  flood  the  steeple  with  water.  Gabe 
Bouck  sneered  and  said  nobody  but  a  d — d  fool  would 
think  of  drowning  out  a  Baptist  ghost.  He  said  water 
would  be  right  into  the  hand  of  the  ghost. 

Finally  the  sexton  came  along  and  said  he  would  go  up 


49 

into  the  steeple  and  drive  out  any  ghost  that  might  be  there. 
As  he  disappeared  in  the  door  and  began  ascending  the 
stairs  to  the  steeple  there  was  a  silence  that  was  painful, 
broken  only  by  the  ominous  rapping  of  the  ghost.  Hank 
Harshaw  said  it  reminded  him  of  the  moment  before,  a 
battle.  The  heavy  boots  of  the  sexton  could  be  heard,  away 
up  the  steeple,  the  rapping  stopped,  the  audience  stopped 
breathing,  when  a  red- headed  woodpecker  flew  out  of  one 
of  the  windows  of  the  steeple.  He  had  been  pecking  at  the 
tin  roof  of  the  steeple.  The  crowd  breathed  easier,  and 
dispersed  in  all  directions.  They  said  they  knew  it  couldn't 
be  a  ghost,  all  the  time. 


The  river  water  now  smells  as  bad  as  some  of  the  mineral 
springs.  That  was  all  we  lacked  to  have  a  summer  resort. 
Any  man  sending  us  ten  new  subscribers  will  receive  a  gal- 
lon of  Milwaukee  river  water.  It  cures  the  itch. 


There  is  a  fearfully  harrowing  story  going  the  rounds  of 
the  papers  headed  "Ten  Days  in  Love."  It  must  have  been 
dreadful,  with  no  Sunday,  no  day  of  rest,  no  holiday,  just 
nothing  but  love,  for  ten  long  days.  By  the  way,  did  the 
person  live  ? 

Mrs.  Penzer,  of  Syracuse,  whose  husband  committed  sui- 
cide not  long  since  by  drowning  in  the  canal,  has  finally 
come  out  and  told  how  it  was.  She  had  a  paramour  named 
Dean,  who  pounded  her  husband  until  he  wasn't  no  use  any 
more,  when  they  both  took  the  old  man  and  emptied  him  in 
the  canal.  She  says,  with  tears  in  her  eyes,  that  this  was  her 
first  offense  of  the  kind. 


Mildness  and  perseverence  is  an  invaluable  trait  in  a  suc- 
cessful Sunday-school  ieacher.  They  should  have  control 
over  their  tempers,  and  speak  gently  to  the  erring  scholars. 
A  teacher  in  a  Des  Moines,  Iowa,  Sunday-school  said  to  a 
boy  last  Sunday,  "You  d — d  little  scoundrel,  I  will  kick  you 
out  of  church  in  two  minutes  if  you  do  that  again."  That 
poor  persecuted  boy  only  had  been  playing  seven-up  for  a 
cup  of  peanuts,  with  another  boy  in, the  pulpit.  The  teacher 
was  too  harsh,  and  no  doubt,  pained  the  boy  unnecessarily. 
5 


50 

GETTING  THE  HANG  OF  THINGS. 


We  don't  know  who  it  was  invented  hanging  up  kerosene 
cans  and  coffee  pots  over  the  celler  stairs,  but  whoever  he  is 
he  is  entitled  to  a  chromo.  A  Ninth  street  man  came  home 
late  on  Tuesday  morning  from  Deacon  Wing's  "iron  picnic" 
as  the  little  boy  called  the  tin  wedding,  when  his  wife  who 
had  remained  at  home,  asked  him,  as  a  special  favor,  before 
he  got  into  bed,  to  go  down  cellar  and  kill  a  burglar  or  two 
that  she  had  heard  down  there.  Removing  a  button  hole 
bouquet  from  his  coat,  in  order  that  he  might  not  be  encum- 
bered, and  depositing  a  California  pear  that  he  had  stolen, 
on  the  table,  he  started,  in  the  dark.  He  knew  there  were 
no  burglars  around,  but  thought  he  would  go  down  cellar 
and  thrash  around  a  little  just  to  please  his  wife.  He 
started  down  cellar  whistling  "There  is  a  smell  in  the  air  that 
binds  me,"  when  the  nozzle  of  the  kerosene  can  struck  him 
on  the  forehead,  and  went  tumbling  down  stairs,  accompan- 
ied by  the  coffee  pot,  with  a  noise  that  reminded  him  of  a 
tin  wedding.  He  leaned  over  a  little  to  the  right,  against 
the  wall,  when  his  white  vest  came  in  contact  with  the  burnt 
bottom  of  a  long  pancake  griddle.  That  fell  on  his  foot 
and  went  down  celler  at  three  jumps  and  fell  on  the  coflee 
pot.  Reaching  up  to  brush  the  soot  off  his  vest,  his  elbow 
struck  a  tin  foot  bath  tub  which  fell  down  and  covered  his 
head.  With  a  remark  that  would  not  offend  the  most  fastid- 
ious pirate,  he  pulled  off  the  bath  tub  and  threw  it  down, 
when  it  hit  a  large  tin  dish  pan,  and  both  went  down 
together  and  fell  on  the  coffee  pot.  He  went  down  a  couple 
of  steps  and  landed  both  feet  in  a  wash  boiler  that  was  set- 
ting on  the  bettom  step,  his  head  struck  against  a  basket  of 
dried  beef  hanging  to  one  of  the  joists,  and  in  dodging,  he 
tipped  over  the  boiler  and  fell,  taking  the  boiler  with  him  to 
the  bottom  of  the  cellar,  and  landed  on  all  fours  in  the  ware 
that  had  gone-  before.  His  wife  came  to  the  head  of  the 
stairs  to  see  what  was  the  matter,  when  her  foot  struck  a  tin 
slop  pail  full  of  water  and  that  came  down  on  him.  He 
picked  himself  up  and  crept  up  stairs,  telling  his  wife  he  had 
had  the  d — dest  fight  with  a  burglar  that  ever  was,  he  went 
to  bed  and  dreamed  that  he  was  married  to  a  tin  wash 
.boiler,  and  when  he  went  to  dash  it  to  his  aching  breast  a 


51 

foot  struck  him  in  the  stomach,  and  a  voice  said,  "can't  you 
lay  still  and  let  people  have  a  little  rest."  It  is  a  nice  place 
to  hang  tin  ware%  over  the  cellar  stairs. 


We  see  it  advocated  that  the  southern  legislature  should 
pass  game  laws,  prohibiting  the  killing  of  game  except  in 
certain  seasons  of  the  year.  It  is  believed  that  if  something 
of  the  kind  is  not  done,  the  negro  will  soon  become  extinct. 


"What  is  a  loan  exhibition  ?"  asks  a  correspondent.  Well, 
when  a  fellow  borrows  ten  dollars  of  you,  to  be  paid  next 
Saturday,  and  he  lets  it  run  a  year  and  a  half,  and  don't  pay 
it,  and  he  meets  you  on  the  street  and  asks  for  five  dollars 
more,  and  you  turn  him  around  and  kick  him  right  before 
the  crowd,  that  is  a  loan  exhibition. 


A  man  in  Cairo,  111.,  after  witnessing  the  performance  of  a 
tight-rope  artist,  said  it  was  easy  enough  to  walk  a  rope  if  a 
man  had  the  nerve.  He  said  he  had  the  nerve,  so  he 
fastened  a  clothes-line  from  the  top  of  the  barn  to  the  chim- 
ney of  the  house,  took  a  hoe  handle  to  balance  himself,  and 
started.  It  wasn't  forty-eight  hours  after  that  before  the 
family  were  out  riding  in  carriages,  dressed  in  mourning. 
You  see,  he  didn't  have  any  place  to  rest  the  hoe  handle. 

There  is  a  fearful  story  going  the  rounds,  headed  "A  Girl 
charged  with  electricity."  Wre  do  not  believe  the  charge, 
on  general  principles,  but  if  they  can  prove  it  against  her, 
that  settles  it,  and  she  must  keep  away  from  here  or  we  will 
call  the  police.  It  is  a  fearful  charge  to  make  against  a  girl, 
but  girls  will  be  girls.  And  yet,  she  may  not  be  all  to  blame. 
It  is  always  best  not  lay  all  the  blame  to  the  girl  in  such 
cases. 

A  corpse  got  a  good  joke  on  the  people  of  Quebec  the 
other  day.  It  came  there  by  expiess,  and  was  only  an  ordin- 
ary, every-day  dead  man,  but  the  Kanucks  were  looking  for 
a  military  corpse,  and  supposing  our  ordinary  corpse  to  be 
he,  they  got  up  a  big  Fifth  avenue  funeral,  and  buried  it 
with  military  honors.  The  corpse,  who  didn't  know  a  thing 
about  military  matters,  must  have  many  a  good  laugh  over 
the  mistake.  And  how  the  military  corpse  must  have  felt, 
when  HE  came ! 


52 

WHY  THE  FEVER  DIDN'T  SPREAD. 


Portage  City  has  had  a  sensation  which,  though  at  one 
time  it  looked  serious,  turned  out  to  be  a  farce.  A  girl  was 
taken  sick,  and  a  physician  was  called  who  pronounced  it  a 
case  of  yellow  fever,  and  he  made  out  a  prescription  for  that 
disease.  Mr.  Brannan,  editor  of  the  Portage  Register,  who 
lives  near,  got  the  news,  and  imparted  it  to  all  whom  he 
met,  and  they  in  turn  told  it  to  others,  and  a  stampede  was 
looked  for.  Fox  turned  the  Fox  House  over  to  Hunker, 
and  had  his  trunks  checked  for  the  Hot  Springs.  Corning 
and  Jack  Turner  hired  a  wagon  to  take  them  to  Briggsville. 
Haertel,  the  brewery  man,  offered  to  sell  out  his  brewery  and 
all  his  property  for  eight  hundred  dollars,  and  he  bought 
a  ticket  for  Germany.  Bunker  left  the  Fox  House  to 
run  itself,  and  went  to  Devil's  Lake.  Sam.  Brannan, 
telegraphed  to  George  Clinton,  at  Denver,  not  to 
come  home,  as  the  yellow  fever  was  raging,  and 
people  were  dying  off  like  rotten  sheep.  And  Sam.  got 
vaccinated  and  went  to  Beaver  Dam.  The  excitement 
was  intense.  Men  became  perfectly  wild,  and  were 
going  to  rush  off  and  leave  the  women  and  children  to 
the  mercies  of  the  dread  plague.  Chicago  and  Milwaukee 
bummers  could  be  seen  at  the  hotels,  kneeling  beside 
their  sample  cases  trying  to  pray,  but  they  couldn't. 
Just  before  the  train  started  that  was  to  carry  away  the 
frightened  populace,  the  doctor  came  up  town  and  said 
that  the  girl  with  the  yelloiv  fever  was  better,  and  that 
she  was  the  mother  of  a  fine  nine  pound  boy.  The 
authorities  took  every  precaution  to  prevent  the  spread 
of  the  yellow  fever,  by  arresting  the  brakemen  whom  the 
girl  said  was  the  cause  of  all  the  trouble.  All  is  quiet  on 
the  Wisconse  now. 


Joe  Oliver,  editor  of  the  Waupun  Leader,  was  along  here 
early  in  the  week.  He  says  there  are  forty-two  thousand 
ties  between  Waupun  and  SchleisingervilK  He  rode  in 
from  there.  

Fifteen  dogs  were  attacked  by  sheep  in  Fond  du  Lac 
county  a  few  nights  since,  and  the  sheep  were  killed  in  self 
defense.  Farmers  should  tie  up  their  sheep  or  there  will  be 
little  encouragement  to  dog  owners. 


53 

TRYING  TO  SAVE  TWO  SHILLINGS. 


No  person  ever  wants  to  tell  us  again  how  to  save  two 
shillings.  When  we  started  for  Chippewa  Falls,  to  attend 
the  celebration,  we  only  had  a  few  hundred  dollars  along, 
and  we  felt  like  saving  all  that  was  possible.  Just  before 
arriving  at  Sparta,  where  we  were  to  take  supper,  Dan  Mc- 
Donald got  to  telling  about  how  to  save  twenty-five  cents 
on  meals  at  these  eating  houses,  when  traveling.  He  said 
that  all  you  had  to  do  when  you  come  out  from  supper  was 
to  look  like  a  bummer,  or  "  traveling  man,"  hand  the  door 
keeper  fifty  cents  and  wink  twice  with  the  left  eye,  and  he 
would  pass  you  right  out,  as  though  you  had  paid  seventy- 
five  cents.  .  If  you  handed  out  a  dollar  bill,  and  he  only 
gave  you  back  twenty-five  cents,  you  only  had  to  hold  out 
your  hand  and  wink  a  couple  of  times,  and  the  man  would 
give  you  the  other  quarter.  Dan.  said  he  always  did  that 
way,  and  he  had  saved  hundreds  of  dollars.  He  said  these 
bummers  only  paid  fifty  cents  a  meal,  and  there  was  no  use 
of  any  body  else  paying  more,  if  they  had  cheek  enough 
to  play  it  on  the  landlord. 

We  never  had  anything  strike  us  as  any  more  reasonable 
than  the  statement  of  Mr.  McDonald,  and  we  delenr.ined 
to  try  it.  To  a  man  who  was  traveling  a  good  deal,  lec- 
turing, a  saving  of  twenty-five  cents  a  meal  was  •worth  look- 
ing into,  and  we  made  up  our  mind  to  begin  to  econo- 
mize that  very  night.  The  train  stopped  and  we  walked 
across  the  platform  as  near  like  a  bummer  as  possible. 
With  our  hat  on  one  side,  we  threw  a  cigar  stub  into  the 
parlor  window,  said  "Hello,  old  tapeworm,"  to  the  landlord, 
in  a  familiar  sort  of  way,  chucked  our  hat  into  a  chair, 
rushed  into  the  dining  room,  took  a  seat  at  the  head  of 
the  table,  and  told  a  girl  to  cart  out  all  she  had  got.  The 
landlord  looked  at  us  as  though  he  thought  we  were  one  of 
Field,  Leiter  &  Co.'s  bummers,  his  good  wife  looked  fright- 
ened, as  though  she  feared  we  would  kick  a  leg  off  the 
table  and  spill  things.  However,  there  is  no  use  of  de- 
scribing the  meal,  and  how  we  went  through  brook  trout 
and  strawberry  shortcake,  and  things.  We  couldn't  help 
feeling  sorry  for  the  man  that  was  destined  to  furnish  all 
that  for  fifty  cents.  Finally  we  went  out.  We  felt  a  sort  of 
palpitation  of  the  heart  when  we  approached  the  hungry 


54 

looking  man  at  the  door,  taking  the  money.  He  looked  as 
though  he  was  a  sick  orphan  trying  to  save  money  enough 
to  get  to  a  water  cure.  Picking  our  teeth  with  our  finger,  like 
a  Chicago  bummer,  and  pulling  our  handkerchief  out  of  our 
pistol  pocket  and  blowing  our  nose  like  a  thirty-two  pounder, 
just  as  we  had  heard  a  Chicago  fellow  do,  we  handed  the 
man  fifty  cents,  winked  a  couple  of  times  and  started  to  go 
by.  The  tobacco"  sign  standing  there  said,  "twenty  five 
cents  more,  please."  We  looked  at  him,  winked,  and  said, 
"  O,  that  will  be  all  right."  "Two  shillings  more,  my 
friend,"  said  the  summer  resort.  We  winked  some  more, 
and  punched  him  in  the  nbs  with  our  thumb,  and  said,  "O, 
now,  old  tapeworm,  don't  try  to  play  it  on  us  boys."  And 
we  laughed  a  sickly  sort  of  laugh.  The  fact  of  it  was,  we 
began  to  have  doubts  about  the  thing  working,  and  had  a 
suspicion  that  the  twinkle  in  Dan  McDonald's  eye  meant 
that  he  had  been  playing  it  on  us.  The  landlord  said  he 
should  have  to  have  two  shillings  more,  and  that  we  were 
blocking  up  the  thoroughfare,  and  we  fumbled  around  and 
found  it  and  paid  him,  and  went  out,  probably  the  most 
disgusted  excursionist  that  ever  was.  Dan.  who  had 
watched  the  whole  business,  slapped  us  on  the  shoulder, 
and  said,  "How  did  it  work?"  Though  not  especially 
hungry,  we  could  have  eaten  him  raw.  When  we  go  east 
now,  we  take  a  lunch  along,  and  when  the  other  passen- 
gers are  in  to  supper,  we  sit  on  the  woodpile  at  Sparta,  eat 
our  lunch  and  gaze  at  the  fountains,  talk  with  the  brakeman, 
and  wonder  if  the  landlord  would  know  us  if  we  should  go 
in  and  take  a  tooth  pick  off  the  counter.  Not  any  more 
bummer  for  us,  and  no  man  must  ever  tell  us  how  to  save 
two  shillings  on  a  meal. 

We  must  all  swear  off  and  go  to  the  Sons  of  Temperance 
Festival  Monday  night,  and  give  them  a  benefit.  Of  course 
it  would  be  wrong  to  dance  with  the  Templaresses,  but  if 
they  should  insist  on  dancing  just  once,  why,  we  are  all  poor 
creatures  anyway. 

An  exchange  says  Kilbourn  has  a  hydrogen  gas  spring. 
Wonder  if  that  was  what  Bunker  had  in  his  bottle  that  we 
stole,  down  there.  It  made  us  mighty  light  headed  in  the 
feet,  when  the  music  struck  up. 


55 

THE  FOURTH  OF    JULY. 


[The  following  Oration  was  Delivered  at  Green  Bay,  July  4th,  1879.J 
Pilgrims  : 

Once  more  are  we  gathered  together,  in  the  capacity  of 
patriots,  to  see  to  it  personally  that  the  day  that  our  fore- 
fathers celebrated  is  not  allowed  to  be  forgotten.  With  so 
many  new  holidays,  and  so  many  new  people,  it  is  hardly 
to  be  wondered  at  that  the  day  of  all  days,  the  day  that 
should  be  dearest  to  the  heart  of  every  American,  is  in 
danger  of  being  passed  over  in  silence,  and  were  it  not  for 
the  fire  cracker,  that  begins  to  get  in  its  work  about  the 
first  of  June,  in  many  instances  this  Anniversary  of  American 
Independence  would  be  passed  without  the  customary 
mouth  shootzen-fest  from  alleged  orators,  but  when  the 
small  boy  begins  to  stir  around  and  clandestinely  look  down 
the  muzzle  of  the  always  loaded  fire  cracker,  the  patriotism 
of  the  boys  still  begins  to  assert  itself,  the  old  man's  eyes 
begin  to  snap,  and  he  talks  with  his  neighbor  about  how 
they  used  to  celebrate  when  he  was  a  boy,  the  sluff  begins 
to  work  over  the  neighborhood,  the  village  catches  it,  the 
country  begins  to  warm  up,  everybody  says  "we  will  cele- 
brate," a  feeble  minded  person  from  abroad  is  engaged  to 
assist  the  brass  band  to  raise  the  wind,  and  before  the  great 
day  arrives  every  heart  within  a  radius  of  forty  miles  beats 
responsive  to  every  other  heart,  the  German,  shakes  hands 
with  the  Irishman,  and  say  the  4th  of  July  is  equal  to  a 
sangerfest,  the  Irishman  replies  that  next  to  St.  Patrick's 
Day  the  4th  of  July  can  count  on  him ;  the  Scotchman 
joins  the  Englishman  in  celebrating,  every  nationality 
comes  to  the  center  and  forgets  that  it  ever  had  another 
flag,  America  welcomes  them  all,  and  the  united  "hurrah" 
for  the  star  spangled  banner,  from  throats  of  native  and 
adopted  American  citizens,  on  the  4th  day  of  July,  is 
enough  to  make  ever  person  as  proud  as  a  peacock,  whether 
he  had  an  ancestor  in  the  fight  for  liberty  or  not. 

For  many  years  it  has  been  customary,  on  this  day,  for 
patriotic  people  to  meet  together  to  pay  tribute  to  the 
heroes  of  the  Revolution,  the  men  who  died  that  our 
country  might  live.  This  tribute  is  paid  in  many  ways,  the 
most  popular  of  which  is  to  shout,  fire  bass  drums,  drink  red 


56 

lemonade,  climb  greased  poles,  catch  greased  pigs,  smell  of 
powder,  blow  our  thumbs  off  by  firing  unaccustomed  cannon, 
and  by  talking  at  a  mark  in  regard  to  the  grand  old  flag,  of 
which  the  poet  has  asked  the  following  conundrum: 

"O,  say,  does  the  star  spangled  banner  still  wave, 

O'er  the  land  of  the  free  lunch  and  the  home  of  the  bravado  ?" 

Though  I  am  .not  authority  on  conundrums,  I  will  answer 
this  one  by  saying  that  to  the  best  of  my  knowledge  and 
belief,  the  star  spangled  banner  does  still  wave  over  the  land 
of  the  free.  I  make  bold  to  assert  this  because  Congress  has 
adjourned. 

Why  is  it  that  on  this  day  every  man  looks  like  a  rich 
uncle  with  a  "don't  care  for  expense"  expression  ?  Why  is 
it  that  every  boy  looks  as  happy  as  though  he  had  found  a 
hidden  water  melon  patch,  and  was  only  waiting  for  night, 
with  her  sable  mantle,  to  hide  the  light  of  day  so  he  could 
go  and  lay  in  a  stock  of  cholera  infantum  ? 

Why  is  it  that  every  woman  looks  as  happy  and  smiling 
as  though  she  was  going  to  attend  a  donation  party  and 
carry  pickles  and  bring  home  sponge  cake,  and  causeth  a  poor 
minister  to  shudder  for  the  future  of  his  larder  ?  Why  is  it 
that  every  woman  looks  handsomer  than  ever  on  this  day, 
her  face  as  rosy  as  the  sea  shell,  and  her  heart  as  warm  as 
the  sun  ? 

On  this  great  day  we  are  accustomed  to  leave  our  busi- 
ness to  hired  men,  and  burn  with  patriotism,  and  ginger  pop, 
fill  ourselves  with  patriotic  fervor,  and  beer,  shout  the  battle 
cry  of  freedom,  and  go  home  when  the  day  is  over  with  our 
eye  winkers  burned  off,  and  to  sleep  with  a  consciousness 
that  a  great  duty  has  been  performed,  ajid  that  we  have  got 
bank  notes  to  pay  on  the  morrow.  For  three  hundred  and 
sixty-four  days  in  the  year  our  patriotism  is  corked  up  and 
wired  down,  and  all  we  can  do  is  to  work,  and  acquire  age 
and  strength.  On  the  morning  of  the  4th  of  July  we  cut 
the  wire,  the  cork  that  holds  our  patriotism  flies  out,  and 
we  bubble  and  sparkle  and  steam,  and  make  things  howl. 
We  hold  in  as  long  as  we  can,  but  when  we  get  the  harness 
off,  and  are  turned  into  the  pasture,  we  make  a  picnic  of 
ourselves,  with  music  all  along  the  line. 

And  why  do  we  do  this.  Why  is  it  that  on  this  particular 
day  we  lose  our  cud,  and  kick  up  the  dust,  and  perspire 
through  our  linen  coats,  and  get  the  galloping  head  ache  ? 


57 

Lend  me  your  ears,  and  I  will  a  tale  unfold,  whose  light- 
est word  will  harrow  up  your  corn  ground,  freeze  your 
young  blooded  stock,  and  make  each  particular  hair  pin  to 
stand  on  end  like  quills  upon  the  fretful  porcupine. 

Many,  many  years  ago,  before  voluntary  bankruptcy  had 
been  invented,  a  solitary  horseman  might  have 
been  seen,  standing  on  Plymouth  rock,  gazing  into  the 
country,  his  hand  shading  his  eyes,  and  his  whole  being 
trembling  with  emotion.  He  was  looking  for  Indians.  He 
never  had  owned  an  Indian,  and  thus  no  Indian  had  ever 
escaped  from  him,  but  he  was  looking  for  Indians  all  the  same. 
Not  that  he  needed  any  Indians  in  his  business,  but  he  was 
looking  for  them.  It  is  strongly  suspected  that  the  Pilgrims, 
who  landed  on  Plymouth  Rock,  were  the  first  nine  of  an 
archery  club  who  had  been  sent  over  here  to  shoot  a  match 
with  the  Indians.  He  was  a  pilgrim,  and  this  was  his 
progress.  Coming  here  with  a  good  recommendation  from 
his  last  place,  he  had  the  appearance  of  a  tramp,  his  shoes 
being  run  over  at  the  heel,  and  his  coat  rusty.  In  a  canal  boat 
hard  by,  was  the  balance  of  the  gang,  passing  the  time,  in 
the  absence  of  the  boss,  playing  Croquet,  won- 
dering if  he  would  find  a  good  place  lor  them  to  hold  their 
turnout.  Presently  the  leader,  who  was  on  the  rock,  raised 
his  hankerchief  and  waved  the  excursion  to  "come  ashore." 
The  party  on  the  boat  laid  down  their  hands,  after  marking 
the  score  on  the  slate,  weighed  anchor,  on  a  pair  of  spring 
balances,  touched  the  canal  horse  on  the  raw  with  a  hop 
pole,  and  steamed  into  port. 

This  was  "the  Landing  of  the  Pilgrims."  It  was  the  first 
church  excursion  of  which  history  speaks,  and  netted  quite 
a  sum.  Lunch  baskets  were  produced,  and  while  the 
women  stood  guard  over  the  lemon  pie,  and  the  raspberry 
jam,  to  keep  out  the  caterpillars  and  the  ants,  the  men  took 
their  guns  and  sallied  forth  to  conquer  the  country,  and 
kill  an  Indian,  or  some  kind  of  game  for  supper. 

That  picnic  party  was  the  foundation  of  all  this  trouble. 
On  that  rock  they  laid  the  foundation,  and  then  they  set 
around,  and  hatched  out  this  great  country.  They  liked 
the  climate  and  with  one  accord  they  lifted  up  their  voices 
and  chanted  the  beautiful  anthem,  "We  wont  go  home  till 
morning,"  which  is  even  remembered,  and  sung  on  great 
occasions  to  this  day.  Whatever  there  is  in  the  country, 


58 

that  is  deserving  of  censure,  the  odium  must  attach  to  those 
tramps,  who  found  this  country  a  wilderness,  and  kept  on 
fooling  until  it  blossomed  the  worst  way.  If  they  had  gone 
back,  after  having  a  picnic,  and  kept  still  about  it,  this 
country  might  have  been  a  quiet  sort  of  place,  with  no  peni- 
tentiaries, no  congress,  no  nothing. 

But  they  had  blood  in  their  eyes.  They  had  flown  from 
oppression.  They  *  had  come  from  a  far  country,  where 
they  were  not  allowed  to  have  church  sociables,  and  where 
a  prayer  meeting  was  looked  upon  as  the  work  of  an  incen- 
diary. Why,  where  they  lit  out  from,  it  was  as  much  as  a 
young  man's  life  was  worth  to  go  home  with  one  of  the 
sisterin'  and  hang  on  the  gate  for  a  few  hours.  He  was 
liable  to  be  arrested  for  disorderly  conduct,  and  sedition, 
and  habeas  corpus,  and  such  foreign  things.  Here,  now, 
one  might  go  home  with  her,  and  break  all  the  hinges  on 
the  gate,  and  he  wouldn't  be  hung  for  it.  That  shows  the 
difference  between  a  monarchical  form  of  government,  and 
an  E  pluribus  Government,  like  ours. 

These  heroes  fled  from  home  because  they  were  not 
allowed  to  worship  in  their  own  way.  They  wanted  a  place 
where  they  could  be  sprinkled  or  immersed  just  as  they 
pleased.  Where  they  could  be  Presbyterians,  or  Methodists 
or  Democrats  or  Baptists,  or  Republicans  or  Second 
Adventists,  or  Greenbackers,  whichever  they  thought  held 
out  best  inducements  for  a  nice,  cool  summer  resort  after 
the  wicked  should  cease  from  troubling.  They  wanted  a 
place  where  they  could  organize  a  government  of  the 
people,  where  one  ballot  box  stuffer  would  be  as  good  as 
another,  and  where  the  man  who  got  the  most  votes  would 
draw  the  salary,  so  they  tied  up  their  boat,  unloaded  their 
tracts,  and  began  preparing  to  go  west  and;  grow  up  with 
the  country. 

The  progress  of  these  pilgrims,  from  their  landing,  on 
Plymouth  Rock,  till  they  had  descendants  enough  to  make 
a  pretty  fair  show  in  a  free  fight,  is  familiar  to  all  readers  of 
profane  history,  and  we  will  pass  on  to  the  front. 

They  kept  on  multiplying  and  replenishing  the  earth, 
until  the  year  1776,  when  there  were  enough  of  them  to 
make  a  pretty  fair  caucus.  They  had  scattered  themselves 
over  thirteen  states,  and  had  schools,  churches,  colleges, 
county  fairs,  grab  bags,  three  card  monte,  and  many  of  the 


59 

.evidences  of  a  higher  civilization.  All  this  time  the  king  of 
England  had  kindly  allowed  himself  to  rule  the  colonists. 
The  returning  board  counted  him  in,  unbeknown  to  him- 
self, and  while  it  was  not  to  his  taste  to  hold  office,  he  felt 
that  he  could  not  go  behind  the  returns. 

A  king  is  a  good  enough  thing  to  have  around,  if  he  does 
not  get  to  putting  on  style.  The  American  people  can 
stand  anything  but  airs.  They  submitted  patiently  to 
everything  for  years.  They  worked  ten  hours  a  day  when 
other  subjects  were  only  working  eight  hours.  They  took 
their's  without  any  sugar  in  it,  rather  than  get  in  a  muss. 

At  length  it  became  irksome  to  be  bossed  around  by  a 
king,  and  the  hands  got  up  a  strike.  They  met  together, 
under  the  lead  of  a  Socialist  by  the  name  of  Hancock,  who 
run  a  commercial  college  and  kept  a  writing  school,  and 
passed  resolutions.  There  is  nothing  so  dear  to  the  Ameri- 
can heart  as  the  inalienable  right  to  pass  resolutions.  They 
passed  resolutions  calling  the  king  another.  They  said 
he  was  a  fraud.  That  he  compelled  them  to  pay  taxes. 
Some  may  think  that  was  a  small  thing  to  get  mad  about, 
but  they  must  remember  that  these  were  'a  primitive  people, 
who  had  not  learned  the  beauty  and  patriotism  of  paying 
taxes.  They  charged  him  with  keeping  a  standing  army  of 
bull-dozers — John  Bull  dozers,  in  time  of  peace,  when  a 
constable  was  all  that  was  necessary.  They  then  went  into 
committee  of  the  whole  and  on  the  4th  of  July  declared  that 
they  wouldn't  stand  any  more  nonsense,  and  swore  that 
from  that  time  out  America  should  be  free  or  they  would 
know  the  reason  why.  and  they  unfurled  the  Star  Spangled 
Banner,  and  the  poet  of  the  occasion  got  on  a  stump  and 
said, 

"If  any  man  attempts  to  haul  down  the  American  Flag, 
put  him  in  his  little  bed." 

What  memorable  words,  How  dear  to  the  heart  of  every 
American. 

It  was  about  this  time  that  the  fire  cracker  was  invented, 
and  it  was  alleged  by  adherents  of  the  crown  that  John 
Hancock  and  some  of  the  framers  of  the  Declaration  were 
interested  in  the  invention  of  that  patriotic  instrument  of 
torture  with  the  fiery  tail  and  the  sanguinary  insides,  and 
that  the  Declaration  of  Independence  was  got  up  to  throw 
the  fire  cracker  upon  the  market.  History  does  not  show_ 


60 

that  the  signers  were  stockholders  in  any  fire  cracker  manu- 
factory, but  you  can't  tell  anything  about  these  old  fellows. 
They  may  have  had  axes  to  grind.  Anyway  the  fire  cracker 
from  that  time  became  one  of  the  dearest  of  American  in- 
stitutions, and  it  has  come  down  to  us  with  a  fuse  that  stut- 
ters and  fizzes,  and  its  red  wrapper  as  sanguinary,  and  its 
contents  as  astonishing,  as  it  wag  in  the  days  when  John 
Hancock's  boy  traded  off  his  birthright  for  a  bunch,  half 
of  which  were  squibs.  When  we  see  the  enjoyment  that 
can  be  extracted  from  fire-crackers,  we  wonder  how  Adaro 
and  Eve  got  along  in  the  garden  of  Eden  without  them. 
May  be  there  were  fire-crackers  in  those  days,  and  that  on 
the  4th  of  July  in  Paradise,  Cain  and  Abel  traded  off  milk 
tickets  for  them,  and  made  it  hot  around  there,  with  firing 
all  along  the  line.  Let  us  imagine  Adam  and  Eve  sitting 
on  the  veranda,  conversing  upon  revolutionary  topics,  and 
watching  the  dear  children,  Cain  and  Abel,  in  the  alley, 
tying  a  bunch  of  crackers  to  a  neighbor's  dog's  tail,  and  as 
the  crackers  began  to  explode,  and  the  dog  run  down  by 
the  brewery  like  a  Barren  county  settler  fighting  Indians, 
how  Adam  and  Eve  would  clap  their  hands,  and  shout,  arid 
say,  "  Boys  will  be  boys." 

And  again  at  evening,  after  the  spinning  wheels  had  been 
set  off  on  the  gate  post  in  the  garden  of  Eden,  and  the 
Smith  children,  who  had  been  permitted  to  witness  the  dis- 
play, and  gone  home,  saying  it  wasn't  much  of  a  celebra- 
tion, we  can  see  Adam  chastising  Cain  with  a  piece  of  barrel 
stave,  for  burning  a  hole  in  the  elbow  of  his  pantaloons, 
while  Eve  was  bathing  Abel's  face  with  sweet  oil,  and  won- 
dering if  his  eye  winkers  would  ever  grow  out  again.  And 
after  the  children  had  been  put  to  bed,  and  the  house  had 
been  locked  up  so  tramps  could  not  get  in  and  raise  Cain 
among  the  canned  fruit,  we  can  see  Adam  take  a  dose  of 
pain  killer,  to  neutralize  the  effects  of  a  day's  debauch  on 
red  lemonade,  and  as  he  clasps  his  aching  heart  he  says  to 
Eve  that  he  is  mighty  glad  the  4th  of  July  only  comes  once 
a  year.  And  Eve,  who  has  tied  a  wet  towel  around  her 
head  to  ward  off  an  approaching  attack  of  nervous  sick 
headache,  as  she  asks  Adam  to  pass  the  bottle  of  camphor, 
says  that  remark  is  right  into  her  hand. 

There  may  be  those  who  will  doubt  if  fire-crackers  and 
4th  of  July  celebrations  were  known  so  long  ago  as  that,  but 


61 

we  must  not  judge  harshly.  Stranger  things  have  happened. 
Adam  was  a  good  provider,  and  if  there  were  any  fire- 
crackers at  the  groceries,  from  what  I  know  of  Adam,  he 
:joing  to  have  a  celebration,  if  he  did  not  lay  up  a  cent. 
-\e  are  drifting  from  the  subject.  When  the  signers  of 
the  Declaration  of  Independence  had  fairly  got  their  foot  in 
it,  and  had  knocked  the  chip  off  the  shoulder  of  the  King, 
they  began  to  look  around  for  a  man  to  play  "First  Base." 
They  looked  the  league  players  all  over,  but  couldn't  find  a 
man  that  would  fill  the  bill.  They  wanted  a  man  who  could 
not  tell  a  lie.  If  that  revolution  should*occur  to-day,  how 
easy  it  would  be  to  find  a  man  that  could  not  tell  a  lie. 
They  could  take  a  pair  of  ice  tongs  and  go  into  this  crowd, 
and  snatch  right  in  among  the  excursionists  from  the  towns 
along  the  Green  Bay  &  Minnesota  railroad,  and  at  the  first 
haul  they  would  get  a  man  that  could  not  tell  a  lie.  The 
woods  are  full  of  them  around  here.  But  in  that  early  day 
it  was  different.  That  was  before  men  had  become  politi- 
cians, and  had  been  nurtured  in  an  atmosphere  of  truth  and 
veracity.  It  was  before  the  era  of  congressional  investiga- 
tions, when  witnesses  were  selected  for  their  probity,  and 
their  adherence  to  all  that  is  good  and  true.  When  they 
were  looking  for  a  man  that  could  not  tell  a  lie,  the  country 
was  sparsely  settled,  and  it  was  customary  to  meet  at  stated 
periods  and  tell  lies  for  the  beer.  In  all  these  tourna- 
ments there  was  one  young  man  who  never  paid  his  en- 
trance fee.  He  said  he  was  a  poor  orphan,  who  never  had 
had  any  attention  paid  to  his  education,  and  he  could  not 
tell  a  lie.  He  had  tried  as  hard  as  anybody,  to  master  the 
accomplishment,  but  a  lie  always  stuck  in  his  throat.  It 
was  related  of  him  that  on  one  occasion  he  went  into  the 
garden  and  slew  a  cherry  colored  Thomas  cat,  belonging  to 
a  neighbor,  and  when  his  father  caught  him  at  it,  and  was 
about  to  send  for  the  police,  the  boy  began  to  weep  on  his 
coat,  and  he  said, — and  i  want  you  to  mark  the  words, — 
he  said,  "  Father,  I  cannot  tell  a  lie,  the  cat  died  of  small 
pox."  What  a  lesson  is  here  for  the  youth.  Let  us  incul- 
cate into  the  minds  of  the  young  a  habit  of  being  truthful. 

This  man  was  George  Washington.  George  was  a  brick. 
He  was  not  one  of  those  fellows  who  sit  around  a  saloon 
waiting  for  somebody  to  set  them  up  on  the  other  alley. 
George  did  not  stay  down  town  nights  until  all  the  places 


62 

were  closed,  and  then  go  home  and  foil  over  the  baby  crib, 
and  stub  his  instep  on  the  rocker  of  a  chair,  and  get  on  the 
wrong,  night  shirt.  George  Washington  never  flirted  with 
the  girls.  Girls  made  eyes  at  him  for  years  and  he  never 
told  his  love.  It  wouldn't  have  been  healthy  for  him  to  tell 
his  love,  for  she  would  have  made  it  hot  for  the  father  of  his 
country  if  he  had.  Martha  would.  Washington,  whatever 
may  be  said  to  his  discredit,  never  sold  lightning  rods.  He 
never  took  an  agency  for  an  Insurance  company.  Wash- 
ington never  went  around  to  different  wards  the  night  be- 
fore election  and  fcft  tickets  with  the  bar  tender,  wrapped  up 
in  a  three  dollar  bill,  with  instructions  to  get  the  boys  out  to 
vote.  Washington  never  was  the  kind  of  a  politician  who 
rode  on  a  railroad  pass,  and  put  in  a  bill  on  the  state  for  his 
car  fare.  He  never  took  a  girl  to  the  4th  of  July,  or  to  a 
circus,  and  made  her  buy  her  own  dinner.  Washington 
never  raised  the  bottom  of  strawberry  boxes  up  two  inches 
and  put  the  best  berries  on  top. 

He  could  not  tell  a  lie,  George  couldn't.  Washington,  it 
is  probable,  never  knew  what  it  was  to  stew  away  a 
schooner  of  beer,  and  history  makes  no  mention  that  he 
ever,  on  any  pretext,  eat  limberger  cheese.  At  least  no 
mention  was  made  of  it  in  his  farewell  address.  He  never 
was  President  of  a  savings  bank.  Washington  never  lectured. 
He  never  edited  a  newspaper.  He  could  not  tell  a  lie,  at 
the  rates  that  editors  charge.  No  he  was  a  good  man,  with 
none  of  the  small  vices  that  are  so  prevalent  these  days. 

We  have  not  time  on  this  occasion  to  fight  over  again 
the  battles  of  the  Revolution.  It  would  take  too  long. 
Suffice  it  to  say  that  George  Washington  and  all  the  rest  of 
our  ancestors  did  as  good  fighting  during  the  sorrowful 
years  of  bloodshed  as  they  would  if  we  had  been  there 
to  advise  them.  Of  course  they  lacked  the  spirit,  the 
training,  the  uniform  of  our  present  Wisconsin  militia,  but 
they  did  as  well  as  they  could  under  the  circumstances. 
By  strict  attention  to  business,  they  taught  the  British 
government  and  troops  that  it  was  not  good  to  be  here, 
and  they  bought  return  tickets  for  the  other  side,  and 
they  couldn't  hardly  wait  for  train  time,  they  were  so 
anxious  to  get  home  in  time  to  do  their  chores. 

Deeds  of  heroism  were  performed  in  those  days  that 
will  always  be  remembered,  and  cheerfully  celebrated, 


63 

and  the  heroes  will  always  have  warm  places  in  the 
memory  of  ourselves,  our  children,  and  our  children's 
children,  until  the  world  shall  make  an  assignment,  and 
go  out  of  business,  and  be  pigeon-holed  away  in  the 
archives  of  the  Great  Ruler,  among  the  worlds  that  have 
ceased  to  exist. 

From  the  time  that  the  last  enemy  of  the  young  repub- 
lic laid  down  his  arms,  a  hundred  or  so  years  ago,  there 
was  considerable  of  a  crop  of  peace  to  the  acre,  up  to 
eighteen  years  since,  when  the  country  had  a  cram]).  The 
south  rebelled  against  the  north,  took  up  arms,  and  it  did 
seem  as  though  the  country  was  on  the  ragged  edg:;  of 
despair.  We  all  remember  with  what  emotions  we  read  of 
the  breaking  out  of  war,  and  with  what  interest  we  scanned 
the  papers  to,  see  how  much  it  would  cost  to  go — to  Canada. 
How  many  of  us,  in  rushing  to  the  front,  lost  our  way,  and 
thinking  we  were  fighting  our  enemy,  invaded  his  soil,  and 
defied  him  in  his  own  stronghold. 

But  you  who  were  brave  and  didn't  have  any  relatives  in 
Canada,  as  I  did,  went  south,  met  the  enemy,  and  after  tour 
years  of  such  fighting  as  the  world  has  seldom  witnessed, 
peace  was  restored,  and  our  country  was  once  more  on  the 
road  to  such  prosperity  as  no  nation  has  ever  seen.  Your 
sons,  brothers,  and  husbands  may  be  quietly  sleeping  the 
long  sleep  beneath  some  southern  magnolia,  their  graves 
unmarked,  their  resting  place  unknown,  but  our  country 
lives,  the  two  sections  that  warred  are  at  peace,  and  we  are 
thankful.  We  honor  those  who  fell,  and  pray  that  no  occa- 
sion may  ever  arise  for  a  similar  sacrifice. 

It  may  have  been  noticed  that  thus  far  I  have  made  no 
allusion  to  the  American  Eagle,  the  National  trade  mark, 
patent  applied  for,  but  it  is  not  that  I  do  not  appreciate  the 
position  that  species  of  poultry  occupies  on  these  occasions. 
The  poet,  alluding  to  the  eagle,  says : 

"Bird  of  the  broad  and  fleeting  wing, 
Thy  home  is  high  in  heaven." 

This  is  too  true.  He  is  a  high  old  bird,  and  me  commit- 
tee that  selected  the  eagle  as  a  National  emblem  should  have 
been  arrested  for  disorderly  conduct.  O,  great  bird  !  You 
live  on  mice.  You  soar  aloft  on  pinions  airy,  until  you  see 
a  poor  little  mouse  with  one  leg  broke,  and  then  you  swoop 
down  like  a  ward  constable,  and  run  him  in.  You  are  a 


64 

nice  old  bird  for  a  trade  mark  for  a  nation  of  heroes,  you 
old  coward.  You  sit  on  a  rock  and  watch  a  peasant  woman 
hanging  out  clothes,  and  when  she  goes  in  the  house  to 
turn  the  clot'hes  wringer,  you,  great  bird,  emblem  of  freedom, 
you  representative  of  the  land  of  the  free  and  home  of  the 
brave,  you  swoop  down  on  the  plantation  and  crush  your 
talons  in  the  quivering  flesh  of  her  little  baby,  take  him  to 
your  home  in  heaven,  and  pick  his  innocent  little  eyes  out. 
You  bald  headed  old  reprobate,  you  would  turn  your  tail 
and  run  at  the  attack  of  a  bantam  rooster.  O,  eagle,  you 
look  well  on  dress  parade,  but  you  are  a  unanimous  coward, 
and  you  eat  snakes.  You  are  a  fraud,  and  you  were  counted 
in  by  a  vote  of  eight  to  seven. 

The  bird  that  should  have  been  selected  as  the  emblem  of 
our  country,  the  bird  of  patience,  forbearance,  perseverance, 
and  the  bird  of  terror  when  aroused,  is  the  mule.  There  i? 
no  bird  that  combines  more  virtues  to  the  square  foot  than 
the  mule.  With  the  mule  emblazoned  on  our  banners,  we 
should  be  a  terror  to  every  foe.  We  are  a  nation  of  uncom- 
plaining hard  workers.  We  mean  to  do  the  fair  thing  by 
everybody.  We  plod  along,  doing  as  we  would  be  done 
by.  So  does  the  mule.  We,  as  a  nation  are  slow  to  anger. 
So  is  the  mule.  As  a  nation  we  occasionally  stick  our  ears 
forward,  and  fan  flies  off  of  our  forehead.  So  does  the  mule. 
We  allow  parties  to  get  on  and  ride  as  long  as  they  behave 
themselves.  So  does  the  mule.  But  when  any  nation  sticks 
spurs  into  our  flauks,  and  tickles  our  heels  with  a  straw,  we 
come  down  stiff  legged  in  front,  our  ears  look  to  the  beauti- 
ful beyond,  our  voice  is  cut  loose,  and  is  still  for  war,  and 
our  subsequent  end  plays  the  snare  drum  on  anything  that 
gets  in  reach  of  us,  and  strikes  terror  to  the  hearts  of  all 
tyrants.  So  does  the  mule.  When  the  country  gets  older, 
and  Congress  has  time  to  get  in  its  work,  the  eagle  will  be 
superseded  as  the  National  trade  mark,  and  in  its  place  will 
arise  the  mule  in  all  his  glory,  and  E.  pluribus  unum,  our 
motto,  will  be  changed  to  you  pluribus  mulitm,  sic,  distemper ; 
alapaca. 

Through  the  sacrifices  of  the  Pilgrims,  first,  and  the  rev- 
olutionary patriots  second,  and  the  rest  of  us,  third,  we  have 
got  a  country  now  that  we  will  match  against  anything  that 
stands  on  the  earth.  It  is  broad  guage,  double  track,  and 
well  ballasted.  We  have  schools  that  can  turn  out  states- 


65 

men  and  stateswomen  by  the  regiment.  We  have  medical 
colleges  that  will  give  diplomas  to  butchers  that  have  looked 
through  a  key  hole.  We  have  body  snatchers  that  will  not 
give  the  weary  soul  many  minutes  rest  before  deceased  is  in 
a  pickling  vat.  We  have  railroads  that  run  from  everywhere 
to  nowhere,  through  wildernesses,  over  mountains,  through 
tunnels,  and  through  bridges,  into  streams  below.  They 
can  run  faster,  carry  more  passengers,  and  run  over  more 
tramps  than  all  the  railroads  owned  by  the  monarchies  of  the 
old  world.  Our  mountains  are  as  high  as  our  groceries  and 
provisions,  our  rivers  are  as  deep  as  thought,  and  as  shallow 
as  our  editorials,  our  farmers  are  as  rich  as  mud,  and  as  inde- 
pendent as  hired  girl.s,  ministers  are  as  good  and  as  cheerful 
as  mother-in-laws,  our  girls  are  as  sweet,  as  the  sweet  by 
and  by,  our  colleges  are  turning  out  some  of  the  finest 
pirates  that  ever  scuttled  a  ship  or  scalped  a  junior,  and 
they  are  educating  a  class  of  boat  racers  with  muscles  like 
tramps,  and  heads  like  base  balls.  Our  land  is  filled  with 
peace  and  plenty — of  tramps,  our  pocket  books  are  full  of 
acceptances,  our  granaries  are  bursting  with  wheat  which  we 
are  holding  for  a  rise,  our  congress  has  adjourned,  and 
everything  is  lovely  and  the  goose  hangs  high. 

With  all  the  advantages  mentioned,  and  thousands  that 
could  be  mentioned,  if  this  was  a  protracted  meeting,  and 
with  the  undeveloped  resources  that  are  to  be  found  on 
every  hand,  there  is  no  limit  to  the  possibilities  of  grandeur 
that  this  nation  may  attain.  The  day  is  not  far  distant  when 
we  can  sit  at  our  ease,  in  our  arm  chairs,  with  our  ears  at 
the  hopper  of  a  coffee  mill,  and  hear  the  congressional  de- 
bates, and  the  jingle  of  the  coin  as  the  member  draws  his 
back  pay,  and  we  can  hear  all  the  testimony  of  all  the  star 
liars  of  the  investigating  committees,  as  well  as  though  we 
were  at  the  capital  of  the  nation.  We  shal'.  have  cheese 
factories  established  for  preserving  the  voice  in  tin  foil,  the 
same  as  limberger  cheese,  so  that  in  a  thousand  years  we 
can  hear  repeated  the  breaches  of  promise  that  we  commit- 
ted when  you  and  I  were  young  Maggie.  The  time  is  com- 
ing when  every  disease  can  be  cured  by  eating  gum  drops, 
gray  hair  will  be  restored  to  its  natural  color  by  the  use  of 
the  vapor  bath,  bald  heads  will  raise  a  second  crop  of  hair 
every  summer,  our  swords  shall  be  turned  into  railroad  shares, 
our  spears  into  pruning  hooks  and  eyes,  nations  shall  not 


66 

make  war  against  nations,  unless  we  have  a  hand  in,  and 
there  never  will  be  war  any  more  unless  some  foreign  coun- 
try treads  on  the  tail  of  our  coat. 


We  have  been  away  from  home  the  most  of  the  time  since 
tne  folks  here  have  been  having  "Esther"  so  bad,  and  never 
saw  the  performance  till  Monday  night.  It  was  the  most 
gorgeous  spectacle  ever  put  upon  the  stage  in  La  Crosse,  and 
each  person  engaged  played  his  or  her  part  to  perfection. 
Perhaps  we  didn't  exactly  get  the  run  of  the  business,  but  it 
seemed  to  us  that  a  man  named  Haman  was  running  for 
the  United  States  Senate,  and  that  there  was  a  chap  named 
C.  C.  Mordecai,  who  had  promised  not  to  contest  for  the 
position  with  Matt.  H.  Haman.  The  thing  opened  with 
Haman,  dressed  in  a  red  dressing  gown  trimmed  with  white 
cat  skin,  surrounded  with  an  extensive  lobby  of  postmasters. 
He  made  a  speech,  and  they  said  they  would  stick  to  him. 
Mordecai  organized  a  bolt,  and  Haman  offered  5,000  tal- 
ents of  silver  and  a  number  of  foreign  missions  for  every  bol- 
ter that  could  be  caught  in  the  act.  Haman  and  King  Bis- 
marck Keyes  got  together  and  got  to  drinking,  and  they 
called  in  Crippen's  military  to  help  them  out.  "Esther," 
the  beauteous  queen  wanted  to  take  a  hand  in  the  riot,  and 
she  issued  invitations  to  a  Baptist  social,  where  she  had  pre- 
pared a  banquet  of  oysters  at  two  shillings  a  dish.  Crippen, 
with  his  six  salamander  horse  marines  got  up  a  funeral  pro- 
cession, but  the  corpse  was  not  ready,  so  they  marched  Bis- 
marck, the  King,  around  a  spell,  to  slow  music.  The  con- 
test was  getting  hot  when  Walter  Brown  came  in  with  a  hop, 
skip  and  jump,  and  told  the  King  that  Hainan's  life  insur- 
ance policy  had  run  out,  and  unless  it  was  renewed, 
Haman's  family  would  be  left  to  the  cold  charities  of  the 
world.  Finally  the  bolters  united  with  the  Democrats,  and 
Haman's  goose  was  cooked,  and  the  High  Priest  telegraphed 
the  platform  to  Mordecai,  a  Scotchman  from  Cork,  and  he 
accepted,  and  they  took  Haman  out  to  draw  him  around 
on  a  sled  with  a  rope.  The  thing  wound  up  with  the  Star 
Spangled  Banner  and  everybody  seemed  glad  it  terminated 
so  happily.  There  might  have  been  some  other  points  that 
we  failed  to  notice,  but  the  above  is  substantially  correct,  as 
anybody  can  see  by  reading  the  Bible. 


67 

DEATH  OF  BOB  INQERSOLL. 


Not  long  since  the  following  utterance  of  Bob  Ingersoll 
wert  the  rounds  of  the  papers : 

Colonel  Ingersoll  says  he  "keeps  a  pocket-book  in  an 
open  drawer  and  his  children  go  and  help  themselves  to 
money  whenever  they  want  it.  They  eat  when  they  want 
to.  They  may  sleep  all  day  if  they  choose,  and  sit  up  all 
night  if  they  desire.  I  don't  try  to  coerce  them.  I  never 
punish,  never  scold.  They  buy  their  own  clothes  and  are 
masters  of  themselves." 

A  gentleman  living  on  Marshall  street,  who  has  a  boy 
that  is  full  as  kitteny  as  his  father,  read  the  article,  and  pon- 
dered deeply.  He  knew  that  Col.  Ingersoll  was  a  success  at 
raising  children  in  the  way  they  should  go,  and  he  thought 
he  would  try  it.  The  boy  had  caused  him  considerable 
annoyance,  and  he  made  up  his  mind  that  he  had  not 
treated  the  boy  right,  so  he  called  the  boy  in  from  the  street 
where  he  was  putting  soft  soap  on  the  lamp  post,  in  order 
to  see  the  lamp  lighter  climb  it,  and  said  to  him  : 

"My  son,  I  have  decided  to  adopt  a  different  course  with 
you.  Heretofore  I  have  been  careful  about  giving  you 
money,  and  have  wanted  to  know  where  every  cent  went  to, 
and  my  supervision  has  no  doubt  been  annoying  to  you. 
Now,  I  am  going  to  leave  my  pocket  book  in  the  bureau 
drawer,  with  plenty  of  money  in  it,  and  you  are  at  liberty  to 
use  all  you  want  without  asking  me.  I  want  you  to  buy 
anything  you  desire,  buy  your  own  clothes,  and  to  feel  as 
though  the  money  was  yours,  and  that  you  had  not  got  to 
account  for  it.  Just  make  yourself  at  home  now  and  try 
and  have  a  good  lime." 

The  boy  looked  at  the  old  gentleman,  put  his  hand  on  his 
head  as  though  he  feared  he  had  "got  'em,  sure,"  and  went 
out  to  see  the  lamp  lighter  climb  that  soft  soap.  The  next 
day  the  stern  parent  went  out  into  the  country  shooting, 
and  returned  on  the  midnight  train  three  days  later.  He 
opened  the  door  with  a  night  key,  and  a  strange  yellow  dog 
grabbed  him  by  the  elbow  of  his  pants  and  shook  him,  as  he 
said,  "like  the  ager."  The  dog  barked  and  chewed,  until 
the  son  came  down  in  his  night  shirt  and  called  him  off. 
He  told  his  father  he  had  bought  that  dog  of  a  fireman  for 
eleven  dollars,  and  it  was  probably  the  best  dog  bargain  that 


had  been  made  this  season.  He  said  the  fireman  told  him 
he  could  sell  the  dog  for  a  hundred  dollars,  if  he  could  find 
a  man  that  wanted  that  kind  of  a  dog.  The  parent  took 
oft"  his  pants,  what  the  dog  had  not  removed,  and  in  the  hall 
he  stumbled  over  a  birch  bark  canoe  the  boy  bought  of  an 
Indian  for  nine  dollars,  and  an  army  musket  with  an  iron 
ramrod  fell  down  from  the  corner.  The  boy  had  paid  six 
dollars  for  that.  He  had  also  bought  himself  an  overcoat 
with  a  seal  skin  collar  and  cuffs,  and  a  complete  outfit  oi 
calico  shirts  and  silk  stockings.  In  his  room  the  parent 
found  the  marble  top  of  a  soda  fountain,  a  wheelbarrow  and 
a  shelf  filled  with  all  kinds  of  canned  meat,  preserves  and 
crackers,  and  a  barrel  of  apples.  A  wall  tent  and  six  pairs 
of  blankets  were  rolled  up  ready  for  camping  out,  and  a 
buckskin  shirt  and  a  pair  of  corduroy  pants  lay  on  the  bed 
ready  for  putting  on.  Six  fish  poles  and  a  basket  full  of  fish 
lines  were  ready  for  business,  and  an  oyster  can  full  of  grub 
worms  for  bait  were  squirming  on  the  wash  stand.  The  old 
gentleman  looked  the  lay-out  over,  looked  at  his  pocket 
book  in  the  bureau  drawer,  as  empty  as  a  contribution  box, 
and  said : 

"Young  man,  the  times  have  been  too  flush.  We  will 
now  return  to  a  specie  basis.  When  you  want  money  come 
to  me  and  I  will  give  you  a  nickel,  and  you  will  tell  me 
what  you  intend  to  buy  with  it,  or  I'll  warm  you.  You 
hear  me !" 

And  now  that  man  stands  around  from  the  effects  of  the 
encounter  with  the  yellow  dog,  and  asks  every  man  where  a 
letter  will  reach  Bob.  Ingersoll.  He  says  he  will  kill  Inger- 
soll  if  it  is  the  last  noble  act  he  ever  accomplishes. 


An  exchange  says  it  is  not  the  frost  that  makes  the  smack- 
ing noise  at  the  front  gate  these  nights.  No,  it  is  the  sud- 
den thawing. 


An  eight  day  sewing  machine  for  sale  at  this  office. 
Warranted,  kind  and  gentle,  and  sound  in  wind,  limb  and 
tucker.  Can  burn  either  wood  or  coal  in  it.  Will  trade  it 
for  butter,  beer,  or  Norwegian  stock  fish.  Will  let  it  out  to 
husk  corn  on  shares,  or  dig  potatoes  on  election  day.. 
Sufficient  reason  given  for  selling.  The  owner  is  busted. 


69 

EFFECTS  OF  MINERAL  WATER. 


A  woman  from  Mushwaukee,  stopping  at  Sparta  for  the 
summer,  had  a  serious  accident  the  other  day.  She  had  her 
dress  pinned  back  so  tight  that  the  exclamation  point  where 
she  was  vaccinated  on  the  left  arm  was  plainly  visible,  and  as 
she  stooped  over  at  the  artesian  well  to  dip  up  a  cup  full  of 
physic,  a  little  dog  belonging  to  a  lady  from  Pilot  Knob 
took  hold  of  her  striped  stocking  and  shook  it,  thinking  it 
was  a  blue  racer.  The  lady  was  overcome  with  heat  and 
sank  down  on  the  damp  ground,  and  the  'result  was  con- 
gestion of  the  dog,  for  when  she  got  up  she  kicked  that  dog 
over  the  Court  house  and  sprained  her  stocking.  It  is  said 
that  beautiful  and  healthful  summer  resort  is  fast  filling  up 
and  everybody  swears  it  is  the  most  enjoyable  place  on  the 
continent.  It  is  certainly  the  cheapest  for  us  La  Crosse 
folks  to  go.  We  don't  know  of  a  place  where,  for  the 
money  invested,  one  can  have  so  much  fun  and  get  so  much 
health.  You  can  leave  La  Crosse  at  5:45  and  arrive  at 
Sparta  at  6:20,  after  a  delightful  ride  of  thirty  miles,  and 
you  will  enjoy  a  race,  your  train  beating  the  Northwestern 
train,  and  running  like  lightning.  If  you  have  a  pass,  or 
sit  on  the  hind  platform,  it  will  cost  you  nothing.  You  can 
walk  down  town,  at  small  expense.  You  want  to  take  sup- 
per before  leaving  home,  if  economy  is  what  you  are  seek- 
ing in  addition  to  health.  Go  to  Condit,  at  the  Warner 
House,  and  talk  as  though  you  were  looking  for  a  place  to  . 
send  your  family,  and  he  will  hitch  up  and  drive  you  all 
over  town.  Tell  Doc.  Nichols  you  never  tried  a  Turkish 
Bath,  but  that  you  are  troubled  with  hypochondria  and 
often  wish  you  were  dead,  and  that  if  you  were  sure  the 
baths  would  help  you,  you  would  come  down  and  take 
them  regular.  He  will  put  you  through  for  nothing,  and 
give  you  a  cigar.  Then  you  can  get  a  tooth  pick  at  Con- 
dit's  and  put  your  thumb  under  your  vest  and  go  to  the 
springs  and  talk  loud  about  railroad  stocks  and  bonds,  and 
speculating  in  wheat.  ( It  takes  two  to  do  it  up  right. 
Frank  Hatch  and  the  writer  are  going  down  some  night  to 
"do"  the  watering  place).  Then  you  can  swell  around  till 
half  past  ten,  and  sneak  off  to  the  depot  on  foot  and  come 
home,  and  your  pocket  book  will  be  just  as  empty  as  when 
you  started,  unless  you  get  a  subscriber,  and  you  will  have 


70 

added  bloom  to  your  cheek,  and  had  a  high  old  time,  and 
next   winter   you  can  talk   about   the   delightful  time   you 
passed  at  Sparta  last  summer  during  the  heated  term. 
Let's  get  up  a  party  and  go  down  some  night. 


Look  not  upon  politics  when  it  is  red  hot  for  at  last  it 
biteth  like  a  catfish  and  stingeth  like  a  pressboard  across  the 
calf  of  the  shirt. 


Editors  from  abroad  who  may  be  at  La  Crosse  at  the 
races  are  requested  to  call  at  THE  SUN  office  and  get 
tickets  for  the  races,  if  they  are  not  already  provided  for. 
And  come  to  THE  SUN  office  anyway,  and  spit  in  our 
new  spittoon. 


We  like  to  see  young  good  Templars  have  a  hanker- 
ing after  cold  water,  bright  water,  but  when  a  Juvenile 
lodge,  about  to  start  on  a  pic  nic,  deliberately  loads  a 
hunk  of  ice  belonging  to  THE  SUN  into  an  omnibus,  we 
feel  like  reaching  for  the  basement  of  their  roundabouts 
with  a  piece  of  clapboard. 


Anna  Dickinson  is  to  go  upon  the  stage,  and  it  is  said  that 
she  will  open  in  San  Francisco  in  the  play  of  "Mazeppa." 
If  there  is  any  society  for  the  prevention  of  cruelty  to  ani- 
mals on  the  Pacific  coast,  we  trust  before  Anna  is  tied  on 
the  wild  horse  of  Tartary  that  some  one  will  see  to  it  that  a 
cushion  is  put  on  the  back  of  the  horse. 


If  anything  could  reconcile  us  to  the  loss  of  our  alapaca 
umbrella,  it  is  the  fact  that  two  of  the  umbrella  repairers  that 
were  here  got  into  fight  at  Dubuque,  in  which  the  man 
Powers  stabbed  the  man  Johnson,  killing  him  instantaneously. 
While  that  seems  like  a  small  punishment  for  a  man  that 
will  steal  a  black  alapaca  umbrella  from  an  editor,  yet  we 
are  not  inclined  to  pursue  the  villain  beyond  the  grave, 
though  we  may,  in  this  free  country,  be  permitted  ta  express 
the  opinion  that  where  he  is  gone  an  umbrella  would  have 
the  cover  scorched  off  in  ten  seconds. 


71 

GETTING  IT  DOWN  FINE. 


Boarders  at  thirteen  boarding  houses  in  the  city  met  on 
Thursday  evening,  not  as  an  indignation  meeting,  but  to 
talk  over  the  different  methods  that  might  be  suggested  for 
inducing  landladies  to  put  more  bed  clothes  on  the  beds. 
Resolutions  were  adopted  expressive  of  the  sense  of  the 
meeting,  which  the  secretary  was  instructed  to  have  trans- 
cribed and  forwarded  by  mail  to  the  proprietors  of  the 
boarding  houses  represented  at  the  meeting.  After  the  bus- 
iness that  brought  them  together  had  been  transacted,  the 
boarders  exchanged  views  on  the  subject  of  boarding  houses, 
and  discussed  the  different  methods  of  bringing  landladies 
to  terms. 

Mr.  Smith  said  that  he  had  suffered  from  stewed  prunes 
at  the  table  where  he  boarded  for  thirteen  years.  He  had 
not  touched  a  prune  for  eleven  years,  but  a  sauce  plate  full, 
soaked  in  tepid  water,  had  been  set  beside  his  plate  every 
night  since  he  had  been  there.  While  he  did  not  wish  to 
complain,  he  thought  the  thing  had  been  carried  far  enough 
and  he  would  be  thankful  if  any  gentleman  present  would 
suggest  a  method  by  which  a  boarding  house  keeper  could 
be  induced  to  give  prunes  a  furlough. 

Mr.  Brown  rose  to  his  feet,  and  said,  unaccustomed  as  he 
was  to  public  speaking,  he  felt  that  he  could  not  let  the 
occasion  pass  without  relating  his  experience.  He  said  he 
had  been  troubled  with  prunes  that  way  for  six  years,  ten 
months  and  thirteen  days.  He  got  so  that  the  sight  of  a 
prune  set  him  into  hysterics,  and  when  he  saw  a  barrel  of 
them  in  a  store  it  made  him  sea  sick.  Last  summer,  he 
said,  he  made  up  his  mind  to  release  prunes  from  their  en- 
gagement at  that  house,  if  he  broke  up  the  business.  He 
said  he  sat  on  the  left  side  of  the  landlady  at  the  table,  and 
when  she  was  not  looking  he  put  a  dead  mouse  into  her 
sauce  dish.  She  took  the  mouse  up  on  a  tea  spoon,  and 
was  just  about  to  place  it  in  amongst  her  false  teeth,  when 
he  called  her  attention  to  the  deceased.  She  shrieked,  and 
took  all  the  prunes  off  the  table.  He  said  there  were  no 
prunes  for  supper  some  days,  but  at  length  they  came  again, 
and  he  put  a  mouse  into  a  dish  belonging  to  an  old  maid 
on  the  other  side  of  the  table.  She  was  near  sighted,  and 
thought  the  primes  were  thest  preserved  crab  apples  with 


72 

the  stems  on,  and  she  took  up  the  mouse  by  the  tail,  on 
that  understanding,  and  bit  it,  hanging  to  the  tail  with  her 
thumb  and  forefinger.  Brown  said  he  felt  as  mean  as  an 
Indian  Commissioner  when  he  saw  her  trying  to  masticate 
that  crab  apple,  and  when  she  gave  it  up,  and  adjusted  her 
glasses  and  looked  at  it,  and  saw  what  she  had  done,  and 
left  the  table,  and  the  other  boarders  and  the  landlady  looked 
at  the  mouse,  he  felt  as  though  the  days  of  prunes  were 
numbered.  That  was  last  summer  and  he  has  not  seen  a 
prune  since,  and  he  said  he  could  conscientiously  recom- 
mend the  mouse  plan. 

As  he  sat  down  Mr.  Smith  asked  what  a  good  mouse  trap 
would  cost,  or  if  any  gentleman  had  a  second  hand  mouse 
trap  to  sell.  He  said  he  would  try  it  on  his  boarding  house 
at  once.  Mr.  Robinson  said  he  had  a  mouse  trap,  a  spell 
ago,  but  it'had  got  lost,  and  as  he  had  found  a  piece  of  wire 
in  his  hash  he  had  concluded  that  that  the  trap  had  got  into 
the  hash  cutter  by  mistake.  Mr.  Jones  said  that  was  not 
necessarily  the  case,  as  he  had  found  wire  in  his  hash,  also, 
and  on  tracing  it  up  he  found  that  a  hair  pin  had  been  cut 
off  in  the  flower  of  its  youth. 

Mr.  Harvey,  in  moving  to  adjourn,  suggested  that  the 
boarders  form  a  society,  and  meet  once  a  week  for  the  pur- 
pose of  exchanging  experiences,  and  devising  ways  and 
means  to  better  their  condition.  The  proposition  was  acted 
upon  favorably  and  the  society  is  to  be  known  as  the  Board- 
er's Exchange  and  Anti-Hash  Society.  A  committee  was 
appointed  to  secure  rooms  in  the  Insurance  building,  and  it 
was  agreed  to  meet  every  Tuesday  evening,  and  to  invite 
THE  SUN  to  send  a  reporter. 


A  man  in  New  York,  stricken  with  paralysis  on  the  street, 
fell  down,  was  clubbed  by  a  policeman,  arrested  for  disor- 
derly conduct,  and  sentenced  to  three  months  on  the  island. 
He  died. 


rown,  the  mind  reader,  was  in  Milwaukee  last  week,  and 
some  wags  get  him  to  practice  on  the  "  Timely  Topics " 
editor  of  the  Sentinel.  He  tried  it  one  forenoon  and  said 
it  was  too  fine  print  for  him.  He  said  they  couldn't  play 
that  on  him  for  a  "  mind,"  and  that  was  what  was  the 
"matter." 


73 

CAN  A  COW  JOKE. 


We  don't  believe  that  a  cow  has  got  horse  sense  enough 
to  play  a  joke  on  a  man,  though  we  have  known  instances 
where  it  looked  that  way.  There  was  that  cow  that  ^at  up 
brother  Jones'  garden,  and  then  went  across  the  street  on 
Van  Valdenburg's  iron  picket  fence,  and  smiled  at  Brother 
Jones,  when  he  tried  to  call  her  to  him.  The  Fourth 
\vard  has  some  of  the  jokingist  cows  we  ever  heard  of. 
The  other  night  after  Doc.  Palmer  had  got  in  bed,  he 
heard  a  cow's  tail  lashing  against  the  blinds,  and  he  got 
up  and  looked  out  doors.  Now  Doc.  is  the  last  person 
in  the  wide,  wide  world  that  we  should  think  a  cow 
would  pick  on  to  play  a  joke.  It  was  a  bright  moonlight 
night,  and  a  trifle  cold,  but  Doc.  thought  he  could  slip  out 
and  drive  the  cow  out  in  about  two  seconds,  so  he  put  on 
his  vest  and  slippers  and  run  out  Carefully  be  opened  the 
gate,  and  getting  on  the  milking  side  of  the  cow  he  told  her 
to  "shoo.'  He  "shooed"  a  little  too  loud,  for  the  cow 
went  by  the  gate  and  around  the  house.  Doc.  went  after 
her  with  a  piece  of  soft  slab,  and  the  cantering  across  the 
walks  awoke  the  neighbors.  Losey  looked  out  the  window 
and  saw  the  procession,  and  told  his  folks  that  there  was  a 
church  sociable  over  to  Palmer's.  The  cow  got  around  to 
the  gate  just  as  the  wind  closed  it,  and  she  went  by  into  the 
corn.  Doc.  stopped  and  propped  the  gate  open,  and  took  a 
croquet  mallet  in  his  other  hand,  and  started  for  the  cow. 
He  called  her  "Whay  you  confounded  old  fool,"  but  she 
didn't  whay  as  well  as  a  well  regulated  cow  ought  to.  She 
started  towards  the  gate,  and  Doc.  hit  her  on  the  rump  with 
a  slab,  but  she  went  by  the  gate  just  as  though  she  never 
knew  there  was  any  gate  there  at  all.  McCulloch  woke  up 
and  looked  out  of  his  window,  just  as  Doc.  and  the  cow 
went  into  the  raspberry  bushes.  Me.  said  a  man  that 
would  go  out  picking  raspberries,  at  eleven  o'clock  at  night, 
with  nothing  on  but  a  vest  and  slippers,  ought  to  be  taken 
care  of.  He  said  Doc.  looked  at  least  eleven  feet  high. 
The  air  was  full  of  croquet  mallets,  and  the  cow  emerged 
from  the  raspberry  bushes  and  walked  out  the  gate  just  as 
though  she  had  been  looking  for  a  chance  to  get  out  for 
a  long  time,  and  Doc.  closed  the  gate  just  as  a  party  of  min- 
isters came  along  from  a  night  session  of  the  Baptist  con- 
7 


74 

vention,  and  he  went  in  the  house  picking  sand  burrs  off  his 
legs.  He  wants  to  trade  that  cow  for  a  sewing  machine,  to 
us,  but  we  had  rather  suffer  the  evils  we  have  than  fly  to 
others  we  know  not  of. 


Berlin  has  a  saloon   named  "Hazel  Dell."     They   call  it 
the  "Dazel  Hell,"  the  temperance  people  do,  for  short. 


The  Pumpkinfests  are  over,  and  the  politicians  are  follow- 
ing the  plow,  if  there  is  a  tarmer  at  the  stern  of  it  who  is  a 
voter. 


A  Chicago  lady  cut  a  dog  in  two  to  recover  an  ear  ring 
which  the  pup  had  swallowed.  She  was  a  delicate  creature 
— the  dog  was. 


If  any  convent  has  lost  a  nun,  there  is  one  traveling 
around  the  State  advertising  that  she  has  escaped.  Her 
name  is  Edith  O'Gorman.  It  would  hardly  be  necessary 
to  employ  a  detective  to  find  Edith,  even  if  she  was  wanted. 
It  is  generally  believed  that  she  escaped  from  some  livery 
stable,  instead  of  a  convent,  or  she  wouldn't  say  so  much 
about  it. 


£>y  referring  to  the  score  made  by  the  pigeon  shoot- 
ers it  will  be  seen  that  Frank  Hatch  made  the  best  re- 
cord, even  beating  the  celebrated  "dead  shot"  of  THE  SUN. 
We  could  have  borne  to  be  defeated  by  a  man  that  can  see 
the  birds,  but  for  a  blind  old  rooster,  that  could'nt  tell  a  pig- 
eon from  a  flock  of  grain  elevators,  and  who  pointed  into 
the  air  and  pulled  his  gun  at  random,  it  is  agonizing.  We 
have  been  duck  shooting  with  that  man,  when  he  would 
shoot  all  day  at  ducks  that  flew  so  near  him  that  he  could 
have  killed  them  with  a  cistern  pole,  and  he  never  touched 
a  feather.  We  have  known  him,  when  hunting  sand  hill 
cranes,  to  shoot  at  a  church  steeple  seven  miles  away,  on 
the  prairie,  thinking  it  was  a  crane.  We  have  known  the 
boys  to  fix  a  trigger  on  a  crow  bar  and  get  him  to  carry  it 
all  day  and  try  to  fire  it  off  at  a  tame  goose.  So  anybody 
can  see  that  it  is  humiliating  to  be  beaten  at  a  first  class  pig- 
cou  shoot  by  such  a  man. 


75 

A   TRYINQ    MOMENT. 


What  a  difference  there  is  in  men  engaged  in  the  same  busi- 
ness. The  other  evening  Mart.  Watson  was  in  his  grocery, 
weighing  out  codfish,  when  a  lady  came  in,  her  eyes  red  from 
weeping.  Her  bosom  heaved  with  suppressed  emotion, 
and  picking  a  piece  off  the  codfish  and  nibbling  it,  she  called 
Mart,  to  one  side,  away  from  the  gaping  multitude,  and  said 
she  wanted  to  pour  into  his  ear  a  tale  of  woe.  She  had 
come  to  him,  of  all  men  in  this  wide,  wide  world,  to  ask 
him  to  do  her  a  favor,  and  asked  him  if  he  would  grant  it. 
Mart,  said  he  was  only  a  poor  granger,  and  had  not  often 
in  his  uneventful  life,  been  called  upon  to  alleviate  human 
suffering  of  the  feminine  gender,  but  he  should  not  shrink 
from  any  duty,  the  prompt  performance  of  which  would 
cause  the  pearly  tear  drops  to  cease  to  flow  from  such  beau- 
tiful eyes.  She  sat  down  on  a  sugar  barrel,  took  another 
bite  at  the  piece  of  codfish  which  she  held  between  her 
beautiful  taper  finger  and  thumb,  and  gave  vent  to  her  pent 
up  feelings  in  a  sob  that  started  the  hoops  on  a  sugar  barrel. 
Mr.  Watson  was  moved  to  tears,  and  with  his  shirt  sleeve 
he  wiped  his  weeping  eyes.  For  a  moment  there  was  si- 
lence, when  she  said  that  never  before  had  she  been  placed 
in  a  situation  where  she  felt  that  it  was  incumbent  upon 
her  to  appeal  to  a  strange  man  for  assistance,  but  that  she 
had  found  that  there  were  sorrows  in  this  world  of  suffering 
and  death,  that  could  not  be  borne  alone  and  in  silence, 
and  that  she  had  come  to  him,  of  all  other  men,  believing 
that  his  honesty  of  purpose  and  his  purity  of  thought,  would 
relieve  them  both  of  the  suspicion  that  either  had  other  than 
the  purest  motives  in  mingling  their  tears  over  the  lifeless 
clay.  Again  she  wept,  and  again  the  great  sympathetic 
heart  of  the  grocer  overflowed,  and  the  strong  man  gave 
way  to  his  emotion.  Finally  he  mastered  himself,  and  said, 
"calm  yourself,  madam,  and  tell  me  of  this  calamity  that  is 
weighing  you  down,  and  tell  me  in  what  way  I  can 
assist  you,  for  believe  me,  madam,  you  have  awakened  in  me 
a  sympathy  that  has  only  to  be  commanded  to  do  you  any 
service."  "Oh,"  said  she,  wiping  her  nose  on  her  polonaise, 
"I  knew  I  could  not  be  mistaken."  "Well,  I  want  to  get 
you  to  stuff  a  dog  for  me !  Poor  Fido,  how  I  loved  him." 
We  have  seen  a  great  many  astonished  men  in  our  day,  but 


76 

we  never  saw  such  an  expression  of  disgusted  astonishment 
as  Mart.  wore.  He  asked  where,  in  the  heavens  above,  or 
the  earth  beneath,  she  had  got  the  idea  that  he  stuffed  dogs. 
She  said  she  heard  they  had  a  stuffed  dog  at  the  engine 
house,  and  she  went  there  to  get  her  dog  stuffed,  and  a  dark 
complected  man,  with  a  long  nose,  with  a  star  on,  told  her 
to  come  to  him.  Mart,  finally  recovered  and  sent  her  to 
Dave  Law.  He  said  chief  engineers  had  to  stuff  all  the 
dogs,  and  she  went  off  looking  for  Dave.  How  different  it 
would  have  been  if  she  had  gone  .to  Smith.  He  would 
have  stuffed  her  dog. 


The  latest  new  song  is  entitled  "Hug  Me  to  Death,  Dar- 
ling."    It  is  a  duet. 


If  love  is   blind,  as  they   say  it  is,  how  is   it  that  they 
always  turn  the  light  down  so  confounded  low  ? 


A  lady  at  Little  Falls  is  a  little  surprised  at  finding  a 
diaper  pin  in  a  piece  of  cheese  bought  at  a  grocery.  It  is 
not  singular  at  all  in  limberger  cheese. 


Four  men  fell  out  of  the  Oshkosh  jail  the  other  day.  If 
Oshkosh  would  only  imitate  Fond  du  lac,  and  paper  the 
county  jail  with  wall  paper,  it  might  become  safe. 


A  man  at  Oshkosh  who  was  hauling  stone,  was  seriously 
injured  by  the  premature  discharge  of  a  mule.  He  said  he 
didn't  know  the  cussed  mule  was  loaded. 


Forest  street,  Fond  du  Lac,  is  going  to  be  a  great  place 
for  sparking,  one  of  these  days.  For  three  years  all  the 
children  born  on  that  street  have  been  girls.  Some  lay  it  to 
the  artesian  well  water. 


A  skunk  got  under  a  church  at  Oshkosh  during  a  prayer 
meeting,  and  nearly  caused  the  breaking  up  of  religious 
exercises  there.  The  elder  laid  it  to  a  deacon,  and  the 
deacon  called  him  another,  and  they  would  have  had  a 
regular  fight  if  a  dog  had  not  begun  to  bark  under  the 
house,  which  directed  attention  to  the  intruder. 


77 

PATENT   APPLIED  FOR. 


It  is  probable  that  very  few  know  it  except  those  immedi- 
ately interested,  but  it  is  a  fact  that  Milwaukee  is  about  to 
turn  out  a  new  invention  that  will  cause  a  good  deal  of  stir. 
A  gentleman  here  has  devised,  and  a  manufacturing  firm  is 
engaged  in  building  a  new  street  car  to  be  known  as  the 
"Telescope  Car,"  which  can  be  lengthened  out  to  any  desired 
length,  the  same  as  a  telescope.  The  car  is  somewhat 
shorter  than  the  ordinary  street  car,  when  in  repose,  or 
rather,  when  closed  up,  and  will  be  used  in  that  manner  for 
ordinary  travel.  Three-fourths  of  the  time  street  cars  are 
not  near  full,  and  then  they  are  too  large.  The  new  car  is 
arranged  so  that  when  it  is  full  a  joint  is  let  out.  The  pro- 
cess of  letting  out  is  simple.  When  it  is  desired  to  lengthen 
it,  that  is,  when  the  straps  are  all  full  of  people  hanging  on 
by  their  finger  nails,  the  driver  pulls  a  chord  and  an  anchor 
is  thrown  out  behind.  The  anchor  catches  on  the  track,  or 
on  the  pavement,  when  the  driver,  who  is  provided  with  a 
club,  begins  to  pound  the  mules,  and  they  knuckle  right 
down  and  pull  out  a  section,  which  provides  seats  for  half  a 
dozen  or  more  passengers,  when  the  anchor  is  weighed,  and 
the  craft  sails  on  until  it  is  necessary  to  let  out  another  hole. 
They  were  testing  the  car  down  on  the  south  side  the  other 
day,  and  it  worked  very  satisfactorily,  pulling  out  the  sec- 
tions, though  an  accident  happened  when  they  were  closing 
the  car  up.  A  woman  who  was  one  of  the  passengers  on 
the  trial  trip,  kept  her  seat  to  observe  how  the  car  could  be 
shortened,  and  when  the  sections  telescoped  together,  and 
the  seats  of  the  car  went  into  each  other,  her  clothing  was 
caught  between  the  sections,  and  in  less  time  than  it  takes 
to  tell  it — but  why  multiply  words.  The  new  car  is  not  a  suc- 
cess in  telescoping  together,  when  there  are  persons  in  it. 
But  that  need  not  be  counted  against  the  invention.  It  will 
fill  a  want  long  felt,  and  the  sooner  the  east  side  lines  get 
some  of  the  cars,  the  sooner,  that  is  all. 


This  is  the  season  of  the  year  to  insist  on  having  the  cus- 
tomary toe  nail  cut.  No  one  likes  to  have  a  sharp  toe  nail 
run  the  whole  length  of  him,  when  he  is  asleep,  if  the  toe 
nail  is  hitched  to  a  nervous  woman  who  has  bet  on  the 
election. 


78 

SMITH'S    WATCH  DOG. 


Smith,  the  grocery  man,  had  his  grocery  burgled  one 
night.  The  burglars  took  out  two  panes  of  glass,  and  about 
two  dollars  in  counterfeit  scrip,  that  had  been  laying  in 
Smith's  drawers  for  a  long  time,  which  he  couldn't  shove  off 
on  to  anybody.  Smith  didn't  care  so  much  about  the  money, 
but  it  made  him  mad  to  think  that  he  had  been  training  a 
dog  for  three  or  four  years  to  make  it  hot  for  burglars,  and 
when  they  actually  came  into  the  store  and  ransacked 
around,  the  confounded  dog  didn't  hear  them.  Smith  has 
thrown  his  whole  soul  into  training  that  dog,  and  he  has 
hired  men  to  sneak  around  the  back  door  evenings,  so  the 
dog  could  catch  them  at  it  and  take  a  piece  out  of  the  seat 
of  their  pants.  Smith  got  a  man  that  visits  a  good  deal  in 
the  store,  to  go  around  the  back  way  one  evening  and  roll 
a  barrel  out  of  the  back  room,  promising  him  a  can  of  oys- 
ters^ Smith  waited  until  the  carpenter  had  got  the  barrel 
nearly  out  doors,  when  he  told  "  Bruno  "  there  was  strange 
work  going  on  in  the  back  room,  and  to  go  and  see  about  it. 
The  man  was  leaning  over  the  barrel,  which  drew  his  pants 
remarkably  tight  around  the  shoulders,  and  Bruno  took 
hold  and  shook  the  man  a  couple  of  times,  when  he  dropped 
the  barrel  and  came  back  and  told  Smith  he  would  kick  the 
liver  out  of  his  cussed  dog  if  he  ever  bit  him  again.  He 
was  so  mad  that  he  wouldn't  take  the  oysters  until  Smith 
threw  in  a  couple  of  pounds  of  crackers  to  heal  up  the 
marks  of  the  dog's  teeth.  Smith  enjoyed  it  and  said  he 
wouldn't  take  a  hundred  dollars  for  that  dog. 

About  a  month  ago,  one  evening  when  it  was  raining, 
and  there  was  no  trade,  Smith  thought  he  would  practice 
with  the  dog.  So  he  told  Adams,  the  clerk,  that  he  would 
go  around  the  back  way,  and  come  in  still,  and  steal  some- 
thing, and  see  what  the  dog  would  do.  So  Smith  went 
around  to  the  back  door,  put  a  horse  blanket  over  him,  and 
took  a  codfish  and  started  out,  with  the  dog  after  him. 
Smith  had  got  almost  to  the  wagon  shed,  when  Bruno  seized 
him  by  the  calf  of  the  back,  and  shook  the  old  man  terribly. 
Smith  yelled  "fire,"  and  climbed  up  the  shed  with  the  dog 
hanging  on.  He  called  the  dog  by  name,  and  told  him  he 
was  a  "good  dog."  and  all  that,  but  Bruno  hung  to  the  rag- 
ged edge  until  Adams  came  out  and  reasoned  with  him 


79 

with  a  piece  of  slab.  For  a  number  of  days  Smith  didn't 
sit  down  in  the  store  at  all.  He  told  them  he  had  rheuma- 
tism in  the  spine  Some  of  the  rubber  in  Smith's  suspenders 
was  badly  stretched,  and  since  then  he  has  had  his  pants 
made  with  more  siack.  He  fairly  wore  up  the  codfish  on  the 
dog  when  he  got  down.  We  wouldn't  have  such  a  temper 
as  Smith  has  got,  for  anything. 


Bennett  and  May  fought  a  duel  in  Maryland  the  other 
day,  and  as  near  as  the  truth  can  be  arrived  at  neither  party 
received  a  scratch.  But  their  "honaw"  was  satisfied.  They 
probably  fought  with  syringes. 


Mon  Kee,  a  Chinaman  that  was  converted  to  regular 
United  States  religious  doctrines,  and  opened  a  mission  in 
New  York  for  the  purpose  of  converting  more  heathens  and 
shethens,  has  been  arrested  for  stealing.  This  is  a  terrible 
blow,  and  Mon  Kee  was  a  terrible  blower.  A  few  weeks 
since  the  religious  papers  made  more  blow  over  the  coming 
into  the  fold  of  that  Chinaman  than  they  did  over  all  the 
editors  in  the  country,  who  went  not  astray.  Now  they 
have  shut  up  their  yawp  about  him,  since  he  has  proved  to 
be  no  better  than  Tallmasre  or  Beecher. 


No  person  can  make  Lathrop  believe  his  eye  sight  is  fail- 
ing. He  says  it  is  just  as  good  as  it  was  twenty  years  ago. 
He  wears  spectacles  to  keep  his  eyes  warm.  He  says  this 
cold  climate  is  terrible  on  the  eyes.  The  other  night  Lath- 
rop had  got  one  foot  in  bed  when  he  saw  a  mosquito  on  the 
wall,  and  he  dismounted  and  prepared  to  fight  on  foot. 
Throwing  out  flankers  the  command  proceeded  to  surround 
the  enemy.  With  one  hand  on  each  side  of  the  enemy,  on 
the  wall,  he  suddenly  slapped  his  hands  together  with  a. 
force  sufficient  to  have  killed  a  baby  elephant.  He  felt 
something  hurt  his  hands  and  he  opened  them,  and  saw 
blood.  The  wife  of  his  bosom  remarked  "O  yes,  you  can 
see  just  as  well  as  ever,  but  that  is  a  carpet  tack.  It  beats  all 
ho\\  -you  can  see."  The  old  man  looked  at  his  hand,  and 
said,  "Well,  who  in  thunder  said  it  was  a  mosquito  ?"  and  giv- 
ing his  boy  ten  cents  not  to  say  anything  about  it  down  town, 
he  went  to  bed  and  grumbled  about  mosquitoes  not  being  as 
large  as  they  used  to  be.  O,  Lathrop  can  see. 


A   BIDE    ON    AN   ICE    BOAT. 


If  any  of  the  readers  of  THE  SUN  ever  go  to  Madison 
and  a  man  comes  along  and  asks  them  to  take  a  ride  on  an 
ice  boat,  they  had  better  say  "  not  any  ice  boat  for  me,  if 
you  please."  You  want  to  say  it  firmly,  too,  and  in  a  man- 
ner that  will  admit  of  no  argument.  The  other  day  a  man 
asked  us  if  we  didn't  want  to  enjoy  a  little  of  the  most  ex- 
hilarating thing  that  ever  struck  this  country.  We  told  him 
we  didn't  mind  if  we  did  exhilarate  a  little,  if  it  wasn't  be- 
yond our  means.  He  said  it  was  as  free  as  salvation,  and 
terrible  nice.  We  told  him  he  could  put  us  down  for  half  a 
string,  and  then  he  asked  us  how  we  liked  to  ride.  We  told 
him  that  he  had  peeked  right  into  our  hand.  He  asked  if 
we  liked  to  ride  real  fast.  We  told  him  he  couldn't  get 
there  a  minute  too  soon  for  us.  Going  fast  was  what  was 
the  matter  with  all  our  people.  Then  he  told  us  to  put  on 
our  "ulcerated  overcoat,"  and  he  would  take  us  where  gentle 
zephyrs  would  seem  like  a  simoon.  It  was  that  cold  day, 
when  the  thermometer  had  to  be  brought  in  to  have  diapers 
put  on  it.  The  man  took  us  down  toward  the  lake,  and 
showed  us  a  concern  that  looked  like  one  of  these  triangles 
that  they  use  to  clear  snow  off  the  sidewalks.  It  had  iron 
shoes  on  and  a  mast  with  a  sail.  He  introduced  us  to  the 
machine,  and  we  said  we  hoped  for  a  better  acquaintance. 
Well,  it  wasn't  long  before  we  got  it.  We  got  on  one  side 
of  the  ice  boat,  and  the  man  got  on  the  butt  end,  with  one 
hand  on  the  rudder,  and  the  other  hold  of  the  sail  rope. 
It  was  so  cold  that  it  did  seem  as  though  cucumber  vines 
ought  to  be  covered  up  with  a  buffalo  robe,  but  there  was 
nothing  to  cover  with,  so  we  pulled  our  overcoat  tail  over 
around,  tucked  our  legs  under  us,  and  told  the  man  to  go 
on  with  his  scraper. 

The  wind  was  blowing  right  from  Pembina,  and  was 
coming  down  like  a  Dells  lobby,  and  as  searching  as  an  in- 
vestigating committee.  The  man  cut  her  loose,  told  us  to 
hang  on  to  our  hair.  We  suppose  there  are  men  who  think 
they  have  experienced  harrowing  scenes,  and  been  scared, 
but  if  those  persons  never  rode  on  an  ice  boat  they  don't 
know  sorrow.  The  minute  the  thing  started,  the  mercury 
in  us  began  to  contract,  and  if  we  had  had  a  line  of  figures 
down  us,  it  would  have  found  the  bottom  figure.  Why,  it 


81 

was  awful  cold.  The  machine  started  right  across  the  lake, 
at  the  rate  of  a  hundred  miles  in  no  time.  We  looked 
ahead  and  saw  a  crack  in  the  ice  that  looked  as  big  as  the 
Mississippi  river,  and  told  the  man  that  he  had  better  turn 
her  around  and  go  back.  He  said  the  boat  never  went  back. 
His  eyes  stuck  out  like  locomotive  headlights,  and  he  said 
the  crack  was  only  a  wind  crack,  and  the  boat  would  go 
over  it  easy.  We  shut  our  eyes,  bid  good  bye  to  every  fear, 
said  "now  I  lay  me,"  and  the  boat  struck  the  wind  crack. 
She  must  have  gone  over  some  eighty-five  or  ninety  times. 
We  hung  on  to  one  of  the  shoes,  and  were  pounded  by  the 
mast  and  the  other  thing  at  the  bottom  of  the  sail.  The 
boat  never  stopped  at  all,  but  landed  the  last  time  right  side 
up,  with  an  editor  of  THE  SUN  sitting  on  the  ice  hanging 
to  the  shoe,  and  she  was  going  for  all  that  was  out.  We 
must  have  rode  a  mile  sitting  on  the  ice,  and  cold  ice  it  was, 
and  not  overly  smooth.  You  know  those  corduroy  pants  of 
ours.  Well,  there  isn't  enough  left  of  the  subsequent  end  of 
them  for  a  seat  for  one  of  those  new  counties.  We  didn't 
dare  let  go  for  fear  we  would  freeze  to  death.  In  about  a 
minute  the  boat  neared  the  opposite  shore,  and  we  proposed 
to  dismount,  but  before  we  could  think  a  second  time  the 
whole  shebang  had  gone  up  among  the  trees,  and  was  try- 
ing to  climb  up  one  of  them,  the  sail  flapping,  and  the  marl 
who  run  the  machine  was  under  the  boat  with  his  head 
scalped.  We  came  to  in  a  couple  of  minutes,  and  found  the 
skin  knocked  off  lots  of  places,  and  one  arm  in  a  sling,  one 
eye  blacked,  a  boot  heel  torn  off,  and  the  back  veranda  of  a 
pair  of  pants  blown  off  in  the  gale.  We  hired  a  farmer  to 
take  us  to  Madison,  and  we  sat  all  the  way  in  a  bushel  bas- 
ket of  pine  shavings,  thinking  of  some  way  to  kill  off  the 
man  who  invented  ice  boats.  They  are  a  delusion  and  a 
snare. 


On  Tuesday  next  the  law  will  permit  the  killing  of  prairie 
chickens  both  in  Wisconsin  and  Minnesota,  and  many  per- 
sons from  this  city  will  take  in  some  of  that  dangerous  but 
exciting  sport.  There  have  been  a  great  many  chickens 
picked  this  year  before  they  were  ripe,  but  as  the  vines  have 
not  been  stacked  it  is  believed  there  are  some  left  yet.  If 
THE  SUN  is  not  published  for  the  next  few  weeks  it  need  not 
be  thought  strange  at  all,  for  we  have  got  pointer  blood. 


82 

BESULT    OP    CHANGING   YOUB  BUSINESS. 


There  was  a  girl  in  it,  as  there  always  is.  Charley  Boyn- 
ton  is  a  correspondent  of  the  Miiwaukee  Sentinel,  and  a 
solicitor  for  business  for  that  wicked  publication.  He  is  a 
young  man  with  an  auburn  moustache  and  a  black  eye. 
That  is,  he  has  two  black  eyes.  He  struck  La  Crosse  the 
other  day,  and  before  he  had  walked  the  length  of  Main 
street  his  left  black  eye  came  in  contact  with  the  right  blue 
eye  of  an  angel.  Charles  was  "gone"  in  eleven  seconds. 
He  inquired  who  she  was,  and  one  report  he  got  was  that 
she  worked  in  a  milinery  shop,  and  the  other  was  that  she 
taught  school.  The  milinery  theory  had  about  three  hun- 
dred and  fifty  majority  in  his  mind,  so  he  decided  to  get 
acquainted  with  her  if  he  died  for  it.  Young  Mr.  Caspary, 
of  Caspary  Bros.,  wholesale  miliners,  Milwaukee,  was  in  the 
city,  and  Charley  went  to  him  and  told  him  what  he  wanted. 
He  said  he  wanted  to  take  Caspary's  milinery  sample  case 
and  visit  a  certain  milinery  establishment.  There  was  noth- 
ing mean  about  Caspary,  so  he  fixed  up  a  case  for  Charley, 
gave  him  the  prices  of  the  goods,  gave  him  his  blessing  and 
started  him  out.  Charley  went  in  the  store  and  said  he  was 
traveling  for  Caspary  Bros.,  and  would  like  to  show  the  lady 
some  goods,  at  the  same  time  looking  around  for  blue  eyes. 
He  opened  his  case  and  displayed  some  ruffling  for  night 
gowns.  The  lady  asked  the  lowest  price.  Charley  looked 
at  his  price  list,  and  said,  with  a  glance  at  the  back  room, 
that  it  would  depend  on  how  much  space  she  wanted.  A 
half  column  would  be  $75  for  six  months,  subject  to  change. 
That  was  for  the  daily.  In  the  weekly  he  would  put  it  in  for 
$60  a  year.  The  lady  looked  frightened.  He  seemed  to 
be  the  craziest  he  milliner  she  had  ever  encountered.  He 
took  out  some  hat  frames  and  she  asked  him  how  high  they 
came.  He  asked  her  how  many  hands  she  kept,  and  then 
he  looked  at  the  price  list  again  and  said  that  hat  frames  had 
fallen.  He  could  let  her  have  them,  in  clubs  of  ten,  at 
$1.50  a  year,  in  advance,  with  an  extra  copy  to  the  getter 
up  of  the  club.  The  lady  looked  in  his  eye,  and  thought 
she  detected  insanity,  and  was  afraid  to  be  alone,  so  she 
called  a  girl  from  another  room.  It  proved  to  be  the  girl 
Charley  had  been  stricken  with.  The  lady  asked  Charley 
how  he  was  on  for  feathers  for  trimming  hats.  "Feathers," 


83 

said  he,  "I  wish  I  had  as  many  dollars  as  I  am  on  for  feath- 
ers." He  showed,  among  others,  a  white  feather,  and  when 
the  lady  asked  the  pi  ice,  he  said,  with  a  look  in  the-  blue 
eyes  of  the  girl,  "  ten  cents  a  line,  each  time,  and  d — d  be 
he  who  first  cries  hold,  enough  !"  The  miliner  and  the  girl 
s\vept  out  of  the  room,  Charley  packed  his  sample  case  and 
went  out  singing,  "Since  Terence  joined  that  gang."  He 
has  resumed  his  journalistic  labors. 


P.  T.  Parnum  advertises  all  his  show  for  sale,  at  auction. 
We  would  give  THE  SUN  a  year  for  the  hippopotamus  that 
rode  on  the  third  wagon  of  the  congress  of  Nations,  with 
her  hair  down.  What  a  goddess  of  Liberty  she  would  make 
to  put  on  top  of  a  packing  house. 


Within  the  past  month  the  wives  of  two  Wisconsin  editors 
have  had  twins.  Mrs.  Reed,  of  Kewaunee,  and  Mrs. 
Hume,  of  Chilton,  are  the  ladies.  Some  of  the  editors  else- 
where are  resorting  to  vaccination,  thinking  to  prevent  a 
spread  of  the  disease  throughout  the  whole  fraternity. 
Prove  an  alibi,  why  don't  you. 


A  new  industry  is  about  to  be  developed  in  Chicago.  It 
is  the  canning  of  bodies  to  send  to  the  heathen.  It  is 
believed  that  when  once  the  heathen  become  accustomed  to 
canned  human  meat  they  will  like  it  as  well  as  they  do  the 
Iresh  missionaries.  It  is  a  great  expense  to  churches  to 
send  missionaries  abroad.  They  have  to  be  educated  to  the 
work,  and  then,  half  the  time,  after  they  get  an  education, 
and  are  fitted  for  the  work,  they  change  their  minds  and 
get  married  and  settle  down  and  say  they  guess  they  will 
preach  here  at  home,  if  it  is  all  the  same.  Now,  the  heath- 
en do  not  care  how  well  educated  the  human  meat  is  that 
they  feed  on.  Education  does  not  give  it  any  flavor.  They 
had  just  as  soon  have  a  slice  off  a  tramp  as  anything.  It  is 
believed  by  the  originators  of  the  canning  scheme,  that 
tramps  and  persons  who  have  no  friends  can  be  utilized, 
when  they  die,  by  canning  them  and  sending  them  abroad 
and  that  many  valuable  missionaries  will  be,saved.  There 
is  no  place  better  than  Chicago  to  open  such  a  branch  of 
industry. 


84 

AN  AWKWARD  SQUAD  OP  OlTE. 

Reader,  did  you  ever  have  a  pair  of  box  toed  shoes  ?  If 
you  didn'i^and  want  to  prepare  yourself  for  the  hereafter — 
that  is  if  you  are  going  down  below, — we  will  lend  you  a  pair  of 
shoes  that  will  make  you  sick.  We  don't  know  what  it  was 
'that  Hanscom  had  against  us,  unless  he  laid  that  woman 
up  ;' gainst  us  that  drove  him  out  of  her  field  when  we  were 
all  trouting  up  in  Mormon  Cooley.  We  didn't  set  her  on 
*to  him,  and  we  can  prove  it  by  Root,  who  was  along. 
'Anyway,  when  we  went  in  to  buy  a  pair  of  shoes  to  wear  to 
"Gen.  Atwood's  wedding  at  Madison,  Hanscom  smole  a 
smile  that  will  haunt  us  to  our  dying  day,  took  a  fresh  chew 
of  tobacco,  spit  on  his  hands  and  told  a  young  man  of  eight- 
een summers  to  bring  in  "them  shoes."  The  young  man 
went  twice  for  them,  and  finally  set  them  down  in  a  vacant 
portion  of  the  store.  We  didn't  like  the  looks  of  those  shoes 
the  minute  we  saw  them,  and  told  Hanscom  that  they 
didn't  seem  to  us  to  be  exactly  the  kind  of  shoes  to  wear  to 
a  wedding.  Then  he  looked  pained.  He  said  we  were  the 
first  man  that  had  ever  found  fault  with  box  toed  shoes  since 
he  had  been  in  business  here.  He  said  that  he  had  dealt  in 
shoes,  man  and  boy  for  45  years,  and  he  had  never  expected 
to  see  the  day  when  a  person  supposed  to  possess  ordinary 
intelligence,  should  hesitate  about  purchasing  box  toed  shoes. 
And  with  a  tear  in  his  eye  he  told  the  boy  to  remove  the 
shoes,  and  he  sat  down  in  a  sad  state  of  mind,  and  began 
reading  "The  Christian  at  Work,"  utterly  oblivious  of  our 
presence. 

We  looked  at  Hanscom  a  moment,  scanned  his  pall- 
bearer countenance,  and  at  once  felt  that  we  had  wronged 
him,  and  trifled  with  his  finer  feelings.  We  never  felt  so 
sorry  for  a  man  in  the  whole  course  of  our  life.  We  told 
him  that  we  had  no  desire  to  offend  him,  and  that  we  had 
intended  to  take  the  shoes  all  the  time.  We  had  lived 
neighbor  to  him  two  years,  and  never  had  a  neighbor  whose 
wood  fitted  our  stove  as  exact  as  Hanscom's,  and  no  man 
ever  had  a  one-horned  cow  that  opened  our  gate  so  gently 
at  the  dead  hour  of  night,  and  eat  our  cabbages.  We  had 
reason  to  like  Hanscom,  and  so  we  told  him  we  would  take 
the  shoes,  and  well  do  we  remember  the  smile  he  smole  as- 
he  marked  it  down  on  the  slate. 

We  put  the  shoes  on  and  wore  them  down  to   Madison. 


85 

They  hurt  in  several  places,  but  we  supposed  it  was  because 
they  were  not  accustomed  to  riding  on  the  cars.  In  get- 
ting out  of  the  bus  at  the  Vilas  House,  the  right  toe  got 
caught  under  the  pavement,  and  tore  up  a  little  of  it,  but  we 
remember  that  the  pavement  always  was  loose.  People 
noticed  the  shoes,  and  many  asked  us  if  the  man  who  made 
them  was  yet  living.  We  wore  them  to  the  wedding,  and  if 
there  were  any  female  clothes  there  that  we  didn't  step  on, 
they  must  have  been  in  trunks  up  stairs.  The  toes 
seemed  to  be  loaded  with  lead,  and  the  box  toe  shingled 
with  boiler  iron,  and  the  sole  was  thick,  and  the  upper 
leather  was  made  of  some  metal  substance.  When  we 
walked  up  stairs,  people  trembled  and  put  on  their  things  to 
go  home.  If  there  is  one  thing  that  we  want  to  be  forgiven 
for,  it  is  attempting  to  dance  that  night.  It  was  in  the  man- 
sard roof,  and  the  floor  was  canvassed,  but  that  didn't 
muffle  the  squeak  any,  and  when  one  of  those  pile  drivers 
came  down,  it  did  seem  as  though  the  house  would  fall  in. 
It  was  in  the  "alamand  left"  that  the  trouble  was.  We  put 
out  our  left  flipper  towards  a  little  angel  from  Columbus. 
She  took  it  with  her  left  bower,  and  we  stepped  on  her 
dress  with  one  of  those  shoes  of  Hanscom's.  We  could 
have  got  the  foot  off,  only  the  other  shoe  caught  under  a 
bench.  We  were  fastened.  May  our  right  hand  forget  its 
cunning  before  we  forget  the  cunning  look  of  compassion 
which  that  Columbus  girl  ventured  upon  our  unprotected 
countenance.  The  bench  was  removed,  and  we  finished  the 
dance,  and  then  went  down  stairs  to  the  refreshment  room. 
If  any  people  went  home  with  crushed  toes,  and  didn't 
know  the  author  of  their  misery,  we  hereby  confess,  and 
the  doctor  bills  may  be  sent  us.  We  kicked  off  more  paint 
from  the  base  boards  and  door  casings,  than  Atwood  could 
get  put  on  again  for  sixty  dollars.  Finally  we  got  the  shoes 
home,  and  went  to  see  Hanscom.  He  said  he  had  been 
looking  for  some  victim  to  sell  that  pair  of  shoes  to  for  the 
past  two  years,  and  now  that  he  had  got  them  onto  us,  he 
could  die  happy.  They  were  a  pair  he  had  used  for  a  sign 
for  thirteen  years,  and  he  bought  them  of  an  Indian  trader, 
that  had  them  on  hand  in  an  early  day.  We  want  to  trade 
those  shoes  for  a  ticket  in  a  lottery.  Since  we  told  the 
story  about  Hanscom  stealing  the  bell  off  of  his  own  cow, 
and  throwing  it  down  cellar  in  the  smoke  house,  he  has 
been  laying  for  us. 


86 

DIDNT    KNOW   THE    HORSE    WAS   FAST. 


Every  good  citizen  who  knows  W.  W.  Jones,  the  hard- 
ware man,  who  is  the  business-like  President  of  the 
Board  of  Trade,  and  the  polite,  gentlemanly  usher  who 
always  gives  strangers  a  cushioned  seat  at  the  Congregational 
Church,  knows  that  he  would  not  knowingly  drive  a  fast 
horse.  He  has  a  bay  horse,  Father  conservative  in  his  move- 
ments, never  in  a  hurry,  to  all  appearances.  When  Mr. 
Jones  desires  the  horse  to  accelerate  its  speed,  he  takes  the 
whip,  gently  touches  the  animal  on  the  offside  of  the  rump, 
and  with  a  bow,  remarks,  "Bucephalus,  annihilate  space  by 
acceleration,"  and  Buceph.  moves  in  a  mysterious  way ;  and 
eventually  gets  there.  No  one  has  ever  supposed  that  Jones' 
horse  was  fast.  But  it  is  evident  that  the  boys  in  the  hard- 
ware store  have  been  training  the  horse  on  the  back  streets, 
unbeknown  to  Mr.  Jones,  until  the  horse  has  become  a  terror 
on  the  road.  This  is  wrong  in  the  boys.  On  Wednesday 
evening  Mr.  Jones  was  driving  up  street  on  his  way  home, 
unconscious  of  impending  danger.  In  front  of  the  wagon 
were  five  joints  of  old  stove  pipe,  and  in  the  rear,  behind 
the  seat,  a  sheet  iron  stove  and  a  tin  boiler.  Mr.  Jones  was 
pondering  over  the  wretched  state  of  business,  and  wonder- 
ing if  in  heathen  lands,  where  we  send  our  pennies,  there 
was  as  much  trouble  in  collecting  bills,  and  if  the  "  Radiant 
Home  "  stove  sold  as  well  there  as  here,  when  Bob.  Scott 
drove  by  with  his  old  "Flying  Childers,"  at  a  rattling  pace. 
In  a  second  Jones'  horse  struck  his  gait  and  away  he  went, 
with  the  bit  hard  in  his  teeth,  the  soot  flying  up  from  the 
stove  pipe,  and  the  boiler  behind  jamming  the  sheet  iron 
stove  in  the  most  unsocial  manner.  Mr.  Jones  reached 
around  and  held  the  stove  with  his  left  hand,  put  his  two 
feet  on  five  lengths  of  pipe,  and  with  his  right  hand  tried  to 
hold  the  horse.  But  the  pld  hero  was  going,  and  the  harder 
the  modest  President  of  the  Board  of  Trade  pulled,  the  faster 
the  horse  went.  To  say  that  Mr.  Jones  was  astonished  at 
the  action  of  the  horse,  would  be  true.  Every  particle  of 
soot  on  his  face  betokened  astonishment.  Finally  he  let  go 
of  the  stove  and  pulled  the  horse  down,  and  turned  on  to 
anothei  street,  where  the  animal  cooled  off,  and  Mr.  Jones 
got  his  leg  out  of  a  length  of  the  stove  pipe,  and  he  drove 
home  on  a  walk,  a  sadder  man.  We  should  not  mention 


87 

this  matter,  only  we  want  to  rebuke  the  bold,  bad  young 
men  in  the  store  who  have  been  driving  the  Deacon's  horse 
fast,  and  we  also  desire  to  call  attention  to  the  fact  that  Mr. 
Jones  will  now  take  orders  for  coal  stoves  to  be  furnished 
the  coming  fall.  That's  all. 


A  young  man  advertises  in  a  Milwaukee  paper  for  a  part- 
nership. He  wants  to  invest  one  thousand  dollars  in  some 
established  business.  Go  to  La  Crosse  and  go  to  betting 
on  election.  It  pays,  and  is  an  established  business.  There'i 
millions  in  it. 


The  dispatches  announce  that  a  Methodist  preacher  at 
Cincinnati  has  been  deposed  from  the  ministry  for  holding 
heterodox  opinions.  The  name  of  the  girl  does  not  appear, 
probably  being  suppressed  on  account  of  the  respectability 
of  the  family. 

There  is  no  sight  more  calculated  to  excite  the  sympathies 
of  the  young  than  to  see  an  old  maid  in  a  street  car,  her  lap 
full  of  bundles,  an  umbrella  in  one  had,  and  a  pet  dog  under 
her  arm,  and  the  lady  trying  to  eat  a  juicy  pear  with  a 
double  set  of  false  teeth  that  are  loose. 


They  are  making  everything  out  of  rubber  now.  A  man 
has  invented  a  hunting  dog  that  can  be  carried  in  the  pocket. 
When  you  get  in  the  field,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  blow  the 
dog  up,  and  start  it  to  going.  This  will  be  a  great  saving,  as 
hunters  will  not  have  to  pay  baggage  men  a  dollar  for  tying 
their  dogs  to  a  trunk,  when  they  go  off  hunting. 


Chicago  is  to  have  a  hotel  built  exclusively  for  men.  Un- 
der no  circumstances  will  a  woman  be  admitted  into  it. 
There  are  so  many  men  who  go  to  Chicago,  who  are  liable 
to  wink  at  women  at  the  table  of  the  hotel,  before  they 
know  their  own  heart,  to  lead  a  different  life,  that  this  new 
hotel,  without  temptation,  has  been  decided  upon.  There 
will  only  be  a  few  old  bald  headed  roosters  and  persons  with 
red  noses  and  sore  eyes  stopping  at  the  new  hotel.  A  ho- 
tel without  women  would  be  almost  as  cheerful  as  a  reform 
school, 


THE  WICKED  STAND  ON  SLIPPERY  PLACES. 


Itwas  the  slipperiest  day  that  ever  was.  The  rain  came 
down  and  froze  as  it  struck,  and  the  whole  earth  was  as 
smooth  as  ice  could  possibly  be  made.  Almost  everybody 
had  a  little  experience  on  ice.  A  ninth  street  woman 
started  out  to  the  summer  kitchen  with  a  couple  of  quarts 
of  milk  which  she  wanted  to  "set."  Well,  she  "set"  before 
the  milk  did,  and  though  she  did  not  raise  much  cream  for 
coffee,  she  raised  the  neighbors.  Both  feet  went  from  un- 
der her  at  one  and  the  same  time,  and  very  suddenly,  too, 
considering  the  size  of  them.  One  foot  struck  the  pump 
spout  and  the  other  struck  a  boiler,  her  back  hair  struck  the 
top  step,  her  elbows  struck  the  ice  and  slid  along,  taking  the 
skin  off,  the  small  of  her  back  struck  the  bottom  step,  and  the 
large  of  it  struck  the  ice  in  a  ten  fold  ratio.  She  said  she 
thought  the  world  had  come  to  an  end.  Well,  the  world 
had  come  to  one  end.  And  the  milk.  The  pan  of  milk 
went  up  about  eight  feet,  and  tumbled  over  and  came 
down  just  as  the  Ninth  street  lady  had  got  fairly  set  down 
on  the  ice,  and  there  wasn't  a  drop  of  it  lost,  as  it  all  went 
on  her.  She  looked  as  though  the  whitewasher  had  been 
working  around  the  house.  If  it  had  been  a  man,  he  would 
have  sworn. 

The  worst  case  of  slipping,  however,  was  that  of  Smith. 
A  customer  had  bought  a  can  of  kerosene,  a  box  of  baking 
powder,  two  quarts  of  molasses,  some  salt  pickles,  a  peck  of 
potatoes,  twelve  eggs,  two  rolls  of  butter,  some  ground  cof- 
fee and  a  scouring  brick.  The  goods  were  put  in  a  basket, 
and  Smith  took  them  out  to  put  them  in  the  delivery  wagon. 
He  said  as  he  started  out  of  the  door,  people  make  too 
much  fuss  walking  on  the  ice.  All  a  man  had  to  do  was  to 
.go  -right  along,  aud  jab  his  heels  down,  and  he  wouldn't  fall. 
'That  pious  man,  Deacon  Pernue  Clark,  was  watching  Smith 
and  he  rolled  his  eyes  up  and  said  to  Smith  "Let  him  that 
thinketh  he  stand  take  heed  less  he  stand  on  his  ear."  And 
the  Deacon  reached  under  the  counter  and  took  a  chew  of 
Smith's  tobacco  just  as  Smith  struck  the  sidewalk.  There 
was  a  sound  as  though  a  Boston  cracker  had  dropped,  and 
Smith's  pistol  pocket  was  on  the  sidewalk,  one  leg  was  run 
through  between  the  spokes  of  the  forward  wheel  of  the  de- 
livery wagon,  and  his  bald  head  was  floating  around  on  thi 


89 

ice.  When  he  began  to  fall,  he  let  go  of  the  basket  in  order 
to  use  his  hands  to  let  himself  down  carefully  on  the  side- 
walk. The  basket  flew  up  to  the  top  of  the  awning,  and  it 
began  to  rain  groceries  and  provisions  on  Smith.  The  first 
invoice  that  came  was  the  potatoes,  followed  by  the  eggs, 
all  of  which  struck  Smith,  except  one  egg.  The  two  rolls  of 
butter  went  to  his  bosom,  and  the  ground  coffee  and  molas- 
ses went  to  his  head.  The  pickles  and  scouring  brick  carne 
along  in  due  lime,  and  when  Smith  got  up  he  looked  for- 
saken. The  crowd  that  had  collected  expected  to  hear  an 
address  on  the  subject  of  "the  Polar  wave,"  but  that  pious 
man  only  said,  as  he  brushed  the  ground  coffee  out  of  his 
eyes:  "It  is  pretty  d — d  slippery,  aint  it  Pernue." 


The  Racine  Journal  accused  us  of  not  being  a  soldier, 
and  we  offered  to  show  scars  with  the  editor  of  that  paper, 
but  he  declines  on  the  ground  that  he  would  be  liable  to 
arrest  for  indecent  exposure.  Well,  we  didn't  know  where 
he  was  wounded. 


D.  H.  Pulcifer,  of  Shawano,  announces  that  he  is  about 
to  prepare  a  biography  of  all  members  of  the  territorial  leg- 
islature and  subsequent  legislatures,  state  officers,  members 
of  congress,  etc.,  and  desires  all  men  who  may  have  been 
great  or  may  be  so  now,  to  send  in  the  particulars.  Well, 
you  can  get  our  record  at  the  adjutant  general's  office,  though 
there  is  one  mistake  in  that  record.  It  was  in  June,  1862,, 
that  we  arrived  in  Canada,  the  day  before  the  draft. 


The  circus  that  is  to  be  here  to-day  is  an  exceptionably 
good  one,  but  there  may  be  wicked  men  along,  who  will 
gamble  with  a  game  called  three  card  monte,  and  we  would 
caution  people  from  investing  in  it.  Especially  would  we 
caution  the  clergy  and  deacons  from  the  country  to  beware, 
for  in  such  a  moment  as  ye  think  not  the  son-of-a-gun  com- 
eth  it  on  you,  and  your  silver  or  gold  watch,  the  present  of 
some  dear  Sunday  School,  will  go  where  all  is  vanity  and 
vexation  of  spirit.  The  monte  fellows  had  rather  catch  a 
deacon  or  minister  then  to  dwell  in  the  tents  of  the  wicked. 
Again,  beware !  Let  he  that  thinketh  he  stand,  take  heed, 
lest  he  come  down  kerslap. 


90 

THE  BOY  PAPERS. 


For  the  past  year  or  two  the  country  has  been  flooded 
with  publications  for  the  boys  of  the  land,  and  the  news 
stands  are  covered. with  "Youths'  Companions,"  "Boys  of 
America,"  "Our  Boys' "  and  a  dozen  other  names,  all  pub- 
lished to  catch  the  boys,  and  hardly  a  boy  that  can  read, 
but  has  his  pistol  pocket  crammed  with  these  publications. 
In  almost  every  instance  these  papers  are  bad.  Hardly  one 
of  them  but  has  a  picture  of  a  small  boy  knocking  down  a 
grown  person,  or  cleaning  out  a  gang  of  men,  the  ground 
covered  with  prostrate  men,  who  have  been  brought  down 
by  a  fist  not  bigger  than  an  oyster  cracker,  and  an  arm  with 
no  more  muscle  than  a  canary  bird.  The  reading  of  these 
papers  makes  every  boy  think  he  is  a  whale,  and  he  is  liable 
to  get  mashed.  A  gentleman  living  on  Ninth  street,  who 
owns  half  interest  in  a  boy  who  has  shown  signs  of  speed, 
though  he  has  never  been  trained,  went  out  back  that  dark 
night  after  an  armful  of  pine  slabs,  and  just  as  he  was  going 
up  the  steps  with  his  load,  he  felt  a  piece  of  carpet  thrown 
over  his  head,  by  a  person  on  the  top  step,  and  he  was 
pushed  roughly,  when  he  tumbled  over  another  person  who 
had  got  down  on  all  fours  on  the  bottom  step,  and  the  man 
and  the  armful  of  slabs  rolled  over  in  the  sand,  and  a  voice 
shouted,  "'Tis  the  pirate  chief!  S-s-h-h !"  The  man  was 
frightened  to  death,  and  he  lay  still,  thinking  it  was  a  gang 
of  three  card  monte  fellows.  A  voice  evidently  belonging 
to  the  commander,  said,  "Gomez,  prepare  to  burn  the  pris- 
oner at  the  stake,"  and  they  began  to  pile  pine  slabs  on  him. 
The  man  looked  out  from  under  the  carpet  just  as  the  hired 
girl  came  out  with  a  light,  and  he  sasv  his  own  son,  a  boy 
that  had  cost  him  over  $200,  piling  slabs  on  him.  He 
caught  that  boy  by  the  hind  leg  with  one  hand  and  a  slab 
with  the  other,  and  the  other  two  neighbor  boys  went  over 
the  fence  in  the  alley  head  first.  The  old  man  went  in  the 
house  with  some  of  the  pealing  off  his  nose,  his  left  ear  a 
little  out  of  true,  his  little  finger  out  of  joint,  and  his  pants 
torn  on  a  buck  saw,  and  he  had  the  boy  by  the  ear,  and 
presently  there  was  a  sound  of  revelry  by  night,  and  a  still 
small  voice  was  heard  exclaiming,  "Pa,  don't!  O!  We 
didn't  know  it  was  you  !  We  thought  it  was  the  boy  that 
comes  after  the  swill.  Ouch!"  The  reading  of  those 
papers  will  get  a  blister  on  more  than  one  boy  yet. 


91 

THE  REVEREND  THREE  CARD  MONTE  CHAPS. 


One  of  the  most  ridiculous  scenes  was  witnessed  here  last 
summer  that  ever  occurred  anywhere.  There  was  a  green 
sort  of  a  giant  that  wanted  to  be  a  policeman.  He  bothered 
the  chief  and  all  the  policemen  nearly  to  death,  telling  what 
he  could  do.  He  had  the  material  in  him,  he  said,  for  one 
of  the  best  detectives  in  the  country,  and  all  he  wanted  was 
a  trial  on  the  police  force,  and  then  he  could  get  a  job  with 
Pinkerton.  One  day  the  chief  thought  he  would  have  some 
fun  with  him,  so  he  put  up  a  job.  Elder  Huntly,  the  Meth- 
odist minister,  at  Madison,  was  in  town  visiting  elder  dough 
and  the  new  policeman  didn't  know  either  of  them.  Now, 
Elder  Clough  is  the  last  person  in  the  world  that  a  stranger 
would  take  for  a  Methodist  minister.  He  is  a  husky  looking 
thick  set  sort  of  a  lumberman,  his  face  looks  sort  of  mad, 
and  his  whole  appearance  is  that  of  a  man  that  would  knock 
six  kinds  of  filling  out  of  a  man  if  his  coat  tail  was  tread  on. 
And  Huntly  !  Well,  Huntly  is  the  same,  only  "Clougher." 
The  first  look  at  him  one  would  say  that  he  was  fit  for 
treason,  stratagems,  and  "Boss"  Keyes  place.  He  has  a 
sort  of  shoulder  hitter  look,  a  bad  eye,  and  whether  you 
should  see  him  in  the  prize  ring  or  the  pulpit,  you  would 
expect  he  was  going  to  roll  up  his  sleeves  and  strike  an  atti- 
tude and  say,  "If  you  don't  believe  I'm  a  butcher,  smell  of 
me  boots !"'  God  never  made  the  works  of  two  better  men 
than  Huntly  and  Clough,  but  in  putting  them  into  cases  the 
gold  cases  and  the  German  silver  cases  got  mixed,  and  the 
fact  is,  their  looks  give  them  away.  They  came  down 
together  one  summer  morning,  looking  at  the  girls  from 
under  their  slouch  hats,  as  ministers  sometimes  will,  and 
when  they  stopped  by  the  Postoffice,  Huntly  slapped  the 
editor  of  THE  SUN  on  the  shoulder  and  said,  "Hello  old 
sorrel  top,"  and  Clough  said  to  us,  "Come  away,  George,  he 
will  pick  your  pocket  for  the  benefit  of  the  Methodist  church 
at  Madison."  The  would  be  policeman  saw  the  two  fellows, 
heard  the  conversation,  and  made  up  his  mind  they  were 
three  pretty  hard  critters.  J  ust  then  Hatch  took  the  "detec- 
tive" one  side  and  said  : 

"I  want  you  to-day.  You  see  those  three  men.  They 
are  the  worst  three  card  rnonte  party  on  the  river.  Those 
two — (pointing  out  the  ministers) — are  iust  from  Manitoba, 


92 

driven  out  by  the  British  troops,  and  they  are  on  some  job 
here.  You  watch  them  two,  and  I  will  watch  this  sandy 
whiskered  cuss.  See  who  they  talk  with,  and  see  that  they 
don't  throw  the  cards.  ^  They  will  talk  about  church  matters, 
but  that  is  only  a  blind.  Now  go !  Watch  them." 

It  would  have  been  worth  a  fortune  to  see  that  fellow  work 
on  the  ministers.  They  dropped  in  to  Toms'  store  to  talk 
with  Deacon  Toms,  and  the  detective  went  in  and  looked  at 
some  lamps,  and  watched  them  out  of  one  corner  of  his  eye. 
Then  they  went  into  Mons  Anderson's,  and  the  detective 
went  in  and  asked  to  look  at  some  blue  drilling.  They  went 
into  the  Batavian  Bank,  and  the  detective  looked  through 
the  window,  ready  to  pounce  upon  them  if  they  made  ai 
grab.  They  visited  a  number  of  our  business  men,  and! 
"everywhere  that  Huntly  went  the  detective  lamb  was  sure: 
to  go."  Three  or  four  of  us  that  were  in  the  secret  watched' 
the  party  all  the  forenoon,  and  the  look  of  intelligence  and' 
the  wink  of  secrecy  that  the  detective  put  on,  when  he: 
caught  Hatch's  eye,  was  too  killing.  He  looked  as  much, 
as  to  say,  "Boss,  you  tend  to  that  sorrel  top  cuss  of  yours,, 
and  I  will  get  away  with  these  two  Manitoba  chaps."' 
Finally  about  noon  he  came  to  Frank  out  of  breath  and' 
said  the  two  bummers  had  gone  into  a  house  out  beyond. 
Cass  street,  near  the  Third  Ward  school  house.  (That  was . 
Elder  dough's  residence.)  He  said  they  were  a  tough  lot, 
and  once  they  turned  and  came  towards  him,  near  an  alley, . 
and  he  thought  they  were  going  to  "mug"  him,  but  they 
went  into  a  grocery. 

Then  Frank  told  the  detective  he  was  satisfied  they  were 
going  to  "work"  the  Methodist  church  as  there  was  going  to 
be  a  meeting  there,  and  from  what  he  could  learn  these  two 
fellows  were  going  to  be  there,  and  there  would  be  trouble, 
and  he  wanted  the  detective  to  be  there,  and  watch  every 
move,  and  if  any  bad  work  was  done  to  nail  them  at  once, 
and  call  for  assistance  if  necessary.  The  detective  was  on 
hand  promptly,  and  took  a  seat  near  the  door,  and  saw  the 
audience  come  in,  and  finally  the  two  men  he  had  been 
shadowing  came  in  and  walked  boldly  up  to  the  pulpit. 
He  thought  that  was  more  cheek  than  he  ever  knew  of. 
Presently  one  of  the  gentleman'  from  Manitoba  got  up  and 
offered  up  a  prayer,  asking  the  assistance  of  the  great  Ruler 
of  the  universe  in  the  grand  undertaking  that  the  brother; 


93 

was  engaged  in,  and  asking  that  the  world  might  be  purer, 
etc.,  or  words  to  that  effect.  The  detective  became  uneasy. 
Then  the  other  gentleman  from  Manitoba,  Huntly,  took  his 
place  and  preached  one  of  the  most  eloquent  sermons  ever 
listened  to  in  La  Crosse,  and  wound  up  by  asking  donations 
to  the  laudable  object  of  completing  the  Methodist  church 
of  Madison.  While  the  choir  was  singing  the  doxology,  a 
solitary  detective  might  have  been  seen  going  up  Fourth 
street.  He  came  into  the  police  office,  his  face  pale,  and 
the  sweat  standing  out  on  his  forehead  as  big  as  a  piece  of 
chalk.  Frank  looked  up  and  in  his  cheerful  manner,  said : 

"Well,  what  luck  ?" 

"Luck,  h !"  said  the  detective.  "I  am  ruined.  You 

have  played  two  ministers  on  .me  for  three  carders.  I  de- 
serve it.  I'm  a  fool.  But  if  you  will  keep  this  story 

from  getting  out  for  six  hours,  I  will  jump  the  town,  and 
you  never  will  hear  from  me  again." 

The  boys  promised,  and  he  took  the  night  train  east,  and 
has  never  worked  up  any  cases  since,  though  it  is  said  he  is 
on  Finkerton's  force  in  Chicago.  Hatch  would  have  never 
played  such  a  joke,  only  he  wanted  to  teach  the  fellow  a 
lesson,  and  he  knew  that  Clough  and  Huntly  would  enjoy 
the  joke  as  well  as  anybody. 

Up  on  Lake  Superior  the  cakes  of  maple  sugar  have  so 
much  sand  in  them  that  they  are  hung  up  on  the  wall  to 
light  matches  on. 

A  Ninth  street  man  went  home  the  other  night,  looking 
guilty.  He  had  drank  a  glass  of  beer  against  the  peace  and 
dignity  of  his  wife,  and  he  knew  she  would  smell  it  before 
he  got  inside  the  gate.  She  was  sitting  in  the  rocking  chair, 
with  a  low  stool  at  her  feet,  aud  he  went  up  and  sat  down 
on  the  stool,  and  said,  "My  dear,  the  fact  of  it  is,  I  felt  a  lit- 
tle sick,  and  I  asked  the  doctor  about  it  and  he  said  "take  a 
small  glass" — At  that  that  moment  he  jumped  up  with  a 
yell,  and  placing  his  hand  convulsively  on  his  pistol  pocket, 
he  removed  a  ball  cf  yarn  and  a  darning  need:e,  which  had 
stuck  in  there.  He  said  he  would  be  cussed  if  he  didn't  go 
down  town  and  drink  a  whole  barrel  of  alcohol.  Women 
who  darn  stockings  cannot  be  too  careful  about  where  they 
leave  darning  needles. 


94 

A   MODEL    COLLECTOR. 


Ben.  Simonton,  of  the  extensive  commission  house  of  J. 
P.  Scott  &  Co.,  acts  as  the  collecting  agent  of  the  firm,  and 
to  the  close  student  of  -human  nature  it  is  better  than  a  cir- 
cus to  watch  Ben.  approach  his  victims  and  to  hear  the 
words  of  wisdom,  interspersed  with  business,  that  flow  from 
him.  But  these  hard  times  have  nearly  done  for  Ben. 
Customers  that  are  usually  good  for  money  any  moment, 
"stand  him  off"  in  the  most  reckless  manner,  and  his  good 
nature  is  the  only  thing  that  saves  him.  We  have  seen  him 
ask  a  man  for  a  little  bill  of  $3.50,  for  oats  furnished,  and 
the  man  would  take  Ben.  one  side  and  tell  him  of  the  hard 
times,  and  pour  into  his  ear  a  tale  of  woe,  until  Ben.  would 
weep  scalding  tears,  and  lend  the  man  five  dollars,  telling 
him  for  heaven's  sake  to  say  no  more.  The  other  day  the 
firm  had  a  bill  to  pay,  for  hay  and  green  hides,  and  Ben. 
started  out.  Joe  Scott  told  Ben.  that  he  must  not  allow 
men  to  trifle  with  his  feelings  and  stand  him  oft",  but  that  he 
must  get  the  money  if  he  had  to  shed  blood. 

Ben.  borrowed  a  chew  of  tobacco  and  started  out  the 
hottest  afternoon  of  the  week.  First  he  came  to  THE  SUN 
office.  Everybody  does.  After  talking  for  an  hour  about 
newspaper  business,  and  inquiring  into  the  whole  business  of 
getting  up  a  newspaper,  he  started  to  go  away,  but  stopped 
as  though  he  had  forgotten  something,  and  finally  asked  how 
it  would  be  about  paying  that  two  dollars.  We  looked 
pained,  and  told  him  we-  had  a  subscriber  at  Mindora  that 
*we  expected  in  the  fore  part  of  next  week.  Still,  we  didn't 
want  to  be  mean,  so  we  ordered  two  dollars  worth  more  oats. 
Ben.  went  down  stairs,  slowly,  muttering  something  about 
cheek.  Then  Ben.  went  up  to  Smith's.  He  inquired  all 
about  how  Smith's  dog  was,  after  the  fight  with  Sherman's 
dog,  and  asked  if  the  dog  caught  cold  when  Smith  sheared 
him.  Finally  Ben.  produced  a  small  bill.  Smith,  for  a  joke, 
took  a  long  butter  tryer,  and  started  for  Ben.  on  a  run  and 
jump,  as  though  he  would  bore  him  through.  Ben.  said, 
come  to  look,  the  bill  was  paid,  but  if  Smith  ever  carne 
down  there  again  for  oats  he  would  thrash  the  ground  with 
him.  Then  Ben.  limped  down  to  Front  street  and  attacked 
Al.  Roosevelt.  Al.  said  he  had  not  bought  a  bushel  of  oats 
in  three  months.  Last  spring  he  bought  a  bushel  of  oats  of 


95 

a  farmer.  Ben.  said  he  didn't  care  a  cuss.  He  made  out 
the  bills  just  the  same  as  though  a  man  got  the  oats.  The 
oats  were  at  the  warehouse,  and  Al.  could  have  them 
if  he  wanted  them.  Suppose  everybody  bought  a  wagon 
load  of  oats  at  a  time  ?  How  could  they  do  business.  Al. 
picked  up  a  piece  of  gas  pipe,  spit  on  his  hands,  and  Ben. 
went  out  without  a  word.  Then  Ben.  went  down  to  Hart 
&  Norton's.  He  knew  that  he  could  get  money  there. 
That  was  a  place  that  never  failed.  He  went  in  and  ac- 
costed Deacon  Grier  in  his  blandest  tones,  and  was  just  pull- 
ing out  a  bill,  when  Mr.  Grier  told  him  to  be  seated  and  he 
would  be  in  directly,  and  he  went  into  the  back  room. 
Ben.  watched  him,  and  he  went  to  the  elevator  and  drew 
himself  up  to  the  upper  story.  Ben.  waited  until  supper 
time,  and  no  deacon.  Ben.  swears  that  Grier  stayed  in  that 
elevator  all  the  afternoon,  but  those  who  saw  the  deacon 
wheeling  a  baby  up  and  down  Main  street  know  that  Mr. 
Simonton  was  mistaken.  With  a  sad  heart  Ben.  went  down 
to  the  Minnesota  house  to  interview  uncle  Alex.  Whalan. 
He  told  Alex,  that  everybody  had  gone  back  on  him,  and 
his  only  hope  for  money  was  there.  Alex,  said  that  if  he 
had  been  a  few  minutes  sooner  he  could  have  let  him  have 
any  quantity  of  money,  but  that  he  had  just  paid  out  a 
hundred  and  fifty  dollars.  Ben.  said  that  wouldn't  do.  He 
had  got  to  have  money  or  blood,  and  that  he  should  ap- 
point himself  receiver,  and  sit  there  and  gobble  up  every 
cent  that  come  in.  A  man  came  in  and  bought  a  glass  of 
beer,  and  when  we  came  by  Ben.  and  Alex,  were  having  a 
heated  argument  as  to  which  should  have  the  money.  As 
we  passed  the  door  Ben.  had  a  stove  poker  and  he  remarked 
that  he  would  murder  the  whole  family  and  set  fire  to  the 
house,  and  run  away  with  the  five  cents  by  the  lurid  glare 
of  the  flames.  We  rushed  up  and  sent  the  police  down 
there,  and  don't  know  how  the  thing  come  out,  though  it  is 
rumored  that  a  compromise  was  effected,  each  party  taking 
half  the  receipts  for  the  beer. 

O,  no,  times  are  not  hard.     That  is  a  mistake. 


The  Liberal  Democrat  heads  the  election  news,  "Mene, 
Mene  Tekel."  Well,  "Mene  may  be  "Tekeled,"  but  we 
are  not.  In  the  language  of  the  Roman  poet,  "Nux  v&micat 
whooperup  e pluribus  Erin  ouskasfiel" 


96 

GOT   STUCK    ON    AN    EASY    WORD. 


They  are  telling  a  good  joke  on  a  young  temperance 
man,  that  is  almost  too  good  to  keep  out  of  print,  though 
we  do  not  vouch  for  the  truth  of  all  of  it.  It  seems  that 
the  new  Temperance  Hall,  over  the  meat  market,  was  being 
•dedicated  the  other  night,  and  all  societies  were  represented, 
the  Sons,  the  Good  Templars,  the  Mendotas,  the  Temple  of 
Honor,  etc.  After  speeches  by  the  resident  clergy,  the  chief 
officer  of  each  order  stepped  forward  to  formally  dedicate 
the  hall,  each  having  something  to  say.  In  throwing  up  for 
the  choice  of  positions,  it  fell  to  young  Adams,  who  repre- 
sented the  Temple  of  Honor,  to  repeat  the  Lord's  Prayer, 
at  the  proper  time.  Now  they  ought  to  have  given  that  part 
to  some  of  the  others.  Adams  is  as  good  a  fellow  as  ever 
rolled  out  a  barrel  of  sugar  or  hoisted  in  a  schooner  of  lager, 
but  his  religious  literature  has  consisted  largely  of  THE  SUN, 
and  you  couldn't  expect  him  to  tumble  to  those  beautiful 
psalms  and  prayers  like  some  of  the  old  apostles.  Besides, 
he  clerked  for  old  Smith  a  year,  and  that  would  knock  the 
religion  out  of  a  graven  image.  Adams  had  his  doubts 
about  the  appropriateness  of  his  part,  but  he  said  he  wasn't 
the  hair  pin  to  squeal,  after  they  had  sawed  anything  off  on 
him.  So  he  got  a  shell  with  the  Lord's  Prayer  engraved 
on  the  top,  and  carried  it  in  his  pistol  pocket,  and  when  he 
had  leisure  he  would  study  it  up.  For  several  days  those 
who  traded  at  Hanscome's  noticed  how  pious  young  Adams 
was  getting.  He  would  go  behind  a  stack  of  codfish  and 
repeat  it,  and  then  go  and  draw  kerosene,  and  never  miss  a 
note.  One  day,  in  making  change  for  an  old  lady  from  La 
Crescent,  he  whispered,  "thine  be  the  kingdom,  and  the 
power,  and  the  glory,"  when  the  old  lady  got  behind  a 
barrel,  thinking  he  was  crazy.  Well,  the  time  arrived,  and 
while  the  others  were  saying  their  pieces,  he  got  nervous, 
but  when  his  turn  come  he  spit  on  his  hands  and  waded  in. 
In  a  firm  voice  he  said  "Our  Father  who  art  in  heaven,  hal- 
lowed be  thy  name.  Thy  kingdom  come,  thy  will  be  done, 
on  earth  as  it  is  done  in — "  There  he  stuck,  unable  to  pull 
the  load,  and  the  cold  sweat  came  out  on  his  forehead.  He 
scratched  his  head  and  repeated,  "On  earth  as  it  is  done  in 
— "  and  then  he  settled  back  in  the  harness  and  stopped. 
All  the  boys  wanted  to  help  him  out.  He  cast  an  imploring 


97 

look  at  Brad.  Waller,  and  Brad,  whispered  "  Omaha." 
Adams  thought  it  over  in  his  mind,  "On  earth  as  it  is  done 
in  Omaha,"  and  he  knew  that  did  not  sound  right.  "Chi- 
cago," whispered  Tim  McCarty.  Adams  shook  his  head. 
"Heaven!"  said  Elder  Clough,  in  a  stage  whisper,  anxious 
to  help  the  brother  along.  But  Adams  had  an  idea  they 
were  all  trying  to  mix  him  up,  so  he  looked  at  the  reverend 
gentleman,  as  much  as  to  say  "you  can't  fool  the  old  man !" 
The  thing  was  getting  desperate,  and  after  hoping  that  the 
floor  would  open  and  let  him  down  into  the  sausage  cutter, 
he  wound  upas  follows:  "Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep, 
yours  truly,  R.  C.  Adams,"  and  sat  down.  Many  in  the 
audience  supposed  it  was  in  the  programme  for  him  to 
slack  up  and  then  side  track  that  way,  but  Adams  said  he 
felt  so  small  that  a  boy's  roundabout  would  have  made  him 
an  ulster. 


There  is  something  peculiar  ab^ut  flour.  When  wheat 
goes  up  ten  cents  a  bushel  flour  finds  it  out  by  telegraph, 
but  when  wheat  goes  down  flour  gets  the  news  from  the  east 
by  canal,  <and  mighty  slow  canal  at  that.  The  city  should 
appoint  some  one  to  notify  flour  when  wheat  goes  down. 


Moody  has  found  a  girl  in  Chicago  who  had  never  heard 
the  name  of  Christ  except  in  profanity,  and  never  had  a 
idea  who  he  was.  She  said  she  asked  an  express  driver 
once  who  Christ  was,  and  he  believed  he  used  to  drive  team 
for  Potter  Palmer. 


A  Brooklyn  man  wants  us  to  advertise  and  take  fit  med- 
icine for  pay.  Fit  medicine  is  not  legal  tender.  We  will 
take  itch  ointment  and  condition  powders,  or  anything  we 
need,  but  we  don't  want  to  have  fits  just  to  fill  up  a  paper 
with  advertising. 


Tom  Reed,  of  the  Menasha  Press,  has  opened  fire  on  the 
Wisconsin  Central  Railroad  management,  and  is  making  the 
fire  fly.  His  last  issue  had  half  a  column  of  head  lines, 
charging  corruption  and  all  kinds  of  things.  There  is  no 
truth  in  the  report  that  the  manager  refused  to  lend  Tom  a 
hand  car  to  go  sailing  on  the  lake  in, 
9 


98 

« « SABDIBTEINDIANAPOUS." 


In  company  with  a  couple  of  hundred  others  who  were 
firm  in  the  belief  that  the  Sardmapalus  troupe  were  under 
the  auspices  of  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Association,  we 
attended  the  performance  on  Monday  evening.  It  was 
heralded  as  coming  from  Booth's  theater,  N.  Y.,  where  it 
had  a  run  of  tour  months.  Most  of  them  got  away  while 
on  the  trip  here,  and  only  a  few  appeared.  The  scenery, 
which  was  also  extensively  advertised,  was  no  more  than 
could  have  been  fixed  up  with  a  whitewash  brush  in  half  a 
day,  by  home  talent.  The  play,  what  there  was  of  it  was 
well  rendered,  though  many  doubted  the  propriety  of  the 
king  calling  around  him  a  lot  of  La  Crosse  soldiers,  to  hear 
him  tell  the  Greek  slave  how  he  loved  her.  There  was 
much  dissatisfaction  about  the  Greek  slave.  All  marble 
statues  of  the  Greek  slave  represent  her  with  nothing  on  but 
a  trace  chain  around  one  arm  and  one  leg.  But  the  party 
who  got  up  this  play  went  behind  the  returns  and  invested 
her  with  a  white  night  gown,  which  detracted  very  much 
from  history.  The  "  soldiers  "  were  picked  up  among  the 
La  Crosse  boys,  and  they  got  tangled  up,  and  couldn't  form 
a  line  to  save  themselves,  and  when  they  stood  against  the 
wall  it  was.  a  melancholy  fact  that  they  tickled  the  ballet 
girls  in  the  ribs  as  they  passed  by.  This  was  highly  wrong. 
It  takes  the  romance  out  of  the  affair  to  gaze  upon  an 
Assyrian  soldier,  covered  with  armor,  and  carrying  a  cover 
to  a  wash  boiler  in  his  hand,  and  to  think  that  he  is  covered 
with  scars  won  in  battle,  and  then  look  at  him  through  a 
glass  and  have  him  wink  at  you,  and  you  find  that  you  have 
seen  him  thousands  of  times  standing  on  the  post  office 
corner,  spitting  tobacco  juice  across  the  sidewalk  at  the  hy- 
drant. Mrs.  Sardanapalus  did  not  appear,  having  gone  to 
visit  her  uncle,  but  "  Sard."  stuck  to  the  Greek  slave  like  a 
sand  burr  to  a  boy's  trousers.  They  laid  down  together  on 
a  bale  of  paper-rags  and  looked  at  the  dance.  The  dance 
was  pretty  good.  First  there  came  out  about  a  dozen  girls 
in  tights,  with  skirts  as  short  as  pie  crust.  Their  legs  were 
all  round  and  well  got  up,  showing  that  the  sawdust  was 
evenly  distributed,  with  no  chance  for  dissatisfaction.  They 
capered  around,  and  smiled  at  the  reflection  of  the  red 
in  the  gallery  upon  the  bald  heads  before  them,  and 


99 

kicked  up  like  all  possessed,  and  then  they  backed  up 
against  the  wings  and  fooled  with  the  La  Crosse  Assyrians, 
who  came  down  like  a  wolf  on  the  fold.  Then  there  came 
out  two  first  class  dancers,  one  short,  fat,  plump,  but  mighty 
small,  so  small  that  she  didn't  look  as  though  she  was  big 
enough  for  a  cork  to  a  jug.  But  she  could  dance.  Well, 
she  ought  to,  as  she  had  no  clothes  to  bother  her.  Next 
came  a  brunette,  evidently  of  French  extraction,  with  a 
face  that  was  a  protection  against  assault  with  intent  to  kill, 
and  legs  of  the  gothic  style.  Smith  said  she  was  spavined, 
but  that's  a  lie.  She  danced  better  than  all  of  them,  and 
walked  on  her  big  toes  till  the  audience  yelled.  Then  the 
dancers  all  got  tangled  up  together,  the  brunette  fell  over 
on  the  little  blonde,  stuck  her  hind  foot  right  in  the  air  as 
straight  as  a  liberty  pole  struck  by  lightning,  somebody  said 
"Tableau,"  and  the  curtain  went  down,  and  the  audience 
looked  at  each  other  as  much  as  to  say  "  Let's  go  home." 
The  boys  in  the  gallery  cheered,  and  the  curtain  was  rung 
up  again,  but  her  flag  was  still  there.  Then  they  had  a 
fighting  scene,  where  everybody  gets  mad  and  goes  out  into 
the  dressing  room  and  clashes  old  swords  together,  and 
come  back  wounded.  The  king,  after  killing  up  a  lot  ahead, 
got  a  furlough  and  came  in  and  lallygaged  with  the  Greek 
slave  a  spell,  and  then  the  battle  was  lost,  and  "Sardine." 
said  he  might  as  well  die  for  an  old  sheep  as  a  lamb.  So  he 
ordered  a  funeral  pile  built  of  red  fire,  and  he  got  on  it  to 
be  burned  up.  The  Greek  slave  said  if  that  was  the  game 
she  wanted  a  hand  dealt  to  her,  as  wherever  "  Sard."  went 
she  was  going,  as  she  had  an  insurance  policy  against  fire  in 
the  Northwestern  Mutual.  So  he  invited  her  on  to  the 
kindling  wood,  and  after  hugging  enough  to  last  them 
through  perdition — and  mighty  good  hugging  it  was  too — 
the  pile  of  slabs  was  touched  off,  the  flames  rolled,  and 
"Sard."  and  the  Greek  slave  went  down  to  hell  clasped  in 
each  others  embrace,  and  we  went  to  the  People's  store  and 
bought  a  mackerel  and  went  home  and  told  our  wife  we  had 
been  to  a  democratic  caucus.  We  don't  know  vhat  all  the 
other  fellows  told  their  wives,  but  there  has  been  a  heap  of 
lying,  we  know  that  much. 

Bunting  is  in  fashion  again  among   the  ladies,  the  little 
lambs. 


100 

CIDER  FOB  TWO. 


A  few  nights  since  Symes  and  Allen  heard  that  Smith  had 
a  barrel  of  cider  in  his  cellar,  and  they  went  over  and  called. 
After  talking  a  little  while  about  the  weather,  Symes  said, 
"Ah,  this  is  the  season  of  apples,  and  cider,  and  hickory  nuts 
and  things."  Smith  said,  yes,  it  was,  and  then  he  went  on 
telling  them  what  a  big  thing  the  Turkey  River  railroad  was 
going  to  be  for  La  Crosse.  During  a  pause  in  the  conversa- 
tion Allen  chipped  in  the  remark  that  over  at  Albert  Lea 
every  man  had  a  barrel  of  cider  in  his  cellar,  and  when  a 
few  friends  called  in  to  spend  the  evening  they  brought  on 
a  pitcher  of  cider.  Smith  said  they  used  to  do  so  down 
east.  Symes  said  he  smelled  cider,  or  dried  apples,  or 
something.  Smith  said  it  hadn't  smelled  so  till  they  came 
in.  Then  Allen  said  if  Smith  said  so  they  would  go  down 
cellar  and  try  his  cider.  Smith  said  he  had  been  thinking 
of  that,  but  the  barrel  was  not  tapped,  and  he  had  no  spigot. 
Symes  said  he  had  a  wooden  beer  faucet  in  his  pocket,  that 
he  had  brought  along,  if  that  would  do,  and  he  pulled  out 
one  from  his  overcoat  pocket,  that  smelled  of  vinegar. 
Smith  see  that  it  was  a  put  up  job,  easy  enough,  but  he  led 
the  way  to  the  cellar.  Smith  told  Symes  and  Allen  to  hold 
the  spigot,  and  he  would  pound  it  in.  There  was  a  twinkle 
in  Smith's  eye  that  they  ought  to  have  seen,  but  they  didn't. 
When  all  was  ready  he  took  a  flat  iron  and  gave  a  gentle  tap 
that  just  knocked  the  bung  in,  but  did  not  drive  the  faucet 
home,  and  before  they  knew  it,  it  seemed  as  though  a  fire 
steamer,  loaded  with  rotten  apples,  had  exploded.  The 
stream  of  excited  cider  struck  Syrnes  in  the  stomach  and  so 
on  up,  and  glanced  into  Allen's  shirt  bosom,  and  so  on 
down.  Smith  got  behind  a  barrel  of  potatoes  and  said  he 
never  did  see  anything  work  so  contrary  in  all  his  born  days. 
Allen  run  his  thumb  in  the  hole  and_  the  cidar  went  up  his 
sleeve.  Symes  sat  down  on  the  place  till  they  could  think 
about  what  to  do,  and  the  pent  up  Utica  squirted  up  to  the 
back  of  his  neck,  and  run  down  into  his  boots.  He  dis- 
mounted and  Allen  grabbed  a  tin  pan  and  put  over  the 
hole,  but  the  tin  pan  proved  to  be  a  cullender,  and  the  cider 
came  through  in  ten  thousand  places.  Smith  started  up 
stairs  saying,  -'Well,  boys,  help  yourselves  to  all  the  cider 
you  want,  the  way  they  do  at  Albert  Lea."  They  jammed 


101 

a  carrot  into  the  bung  hole  and  broke  it  off,  and  went  up 
stairs  and  wrung  their  coat  tails  out,  and  explained  to  the 
ladies  that  at  certain  seasons  of  the  year  a  man's  clothing 
smelled  so  near  like  a  cider  press  that  it  would  astonish  you. 
Symes  is  going  to  sue  Smith  to  get  his  faucet  back. 


A  Milwaukee  man  has  sent  us  half  a  dozen  pants  buttons, 
which  he  says  were  picked  up  in  the  hall  after  our  lecture 
here  sometime  ago.  There  is  evidently  some  mistake.  We 
make  a  specialty  of  vest  buttons  and  corset  strings.  Per- 
haps the  gentleman  has  been  attending  a  revival  at  Bay  View. 


"When  we  see  how  Grant  is  being  entertained  abroad  we 
do  not  regret  that  it  was  our  privilege  to  advise  him  in  all 
his  movements  during  the  war.  He  got  the  credit  of  all  the 
victories,  when  we — but  we  will  say  no  more.  We  are  not 
jealous.  "Go  in  Ulisses,"  as  we  said  to  him  at  Vicksburg. 


We  are  in  receipt  of  a  circular  from  the  American  peace 
society,  requesting  us  to  leave  a  sum  of  money,  in  our  will, 
to  the  society  to  be  applied  to  the  interest  of  peace.  We 
are  opposed  to  peace,  on  such  terms.  Give  us  war,  every 
time. 


It  is  said  that  the  trouble  with  the  editor  of  the  Okalona 
States  is  that  he  was  once  a  base  ball  player,  and  had  his 
skull  fractured.  It  was  necessary  to  trepan  the  skull,  and 
the  blacksmith  who  did  it  blunderingly  tipped  the  patient 
over,  when  his  brains  spilled  out  on  the  floor.  The  brains 
evaporated  at  once,  and  the  poor  blacksmith,  frightened  at 
what  he  had  done,  stepped  into  the  printing  ottice  where  some 
roller  composition  was  boiling  on  a  stove.  He  took  a  tumb- 
ler lull  oi  the  composition  and  put  it  in  the  place  where  the 
brains  come  from,  and  ;»lugg<  d  the  editor  up.  As  long  as 
the  man  is  in  a  cold  climate,  he  is  all  right,  but  when  the  sun 
shines  on  his  head,  and  the  roller  composition  begins  to  sis- 
sle,  and  melt,  he  begins  to  have  spells.  Besides  this,  he  was 
bereaved  two  years  ago  by  removal  ot  a  tape  worm  from  his 
stomach.  He  is  an  invalid,  and  people  should  have  charity 
for  him,  instead  of  laying  those  editorials  up  against  the 
southern  people. 


102 
THE    SUN    EXCURSION. 


On  Sunday  last  THE  SUN  gave  its  first  regular  excursion, 
and  the  result  was-all  that  was  anticipated.  Forty-seven  of 
the  newsboys  of  the  city  were  invited  to  take  a  ride  on  the 
steamer  John  A.  Dix,  by  tne  bald  headed  proprietor  of  this 
paper,  and  "Racine  was  the  destination.  At  two  o'clock 
Sunday  afternoon,  every  boy  was  on  board,  and  each  one 
was  dressed  in  the  best  clothes  he  had.  Furnished  with 
tickets  they  went  on  board  the  fine  steamer  as  proud  as  any 
millionaires  that  ever  took  an  ocean  steamship  for  a  trip  to 
Europe.  Those  that  had  cigars  lit  them  and  put  their  feet 
on  the  railing,  and  became  lost  in  the  perusal  of  the  Sunday 
papers.  Others  stood  upon  the  upper  deck,  and  as  the 
boat  moved  out  they  waved  white  handkerchiefs  from  their 
hands  and  pockets  at  the  less  fortunate  people  on  shore,  and 
then  they  turned  their  attention  to  mere  important  matters. 
As  the  boat  got  into  the  lake,  and  met  the  swell  coming  in, 
the  boys  leaned  over  the  railing,  their  bosoms  swelling  with 
emotion,  and  their  eyes  sticking  out  so  you  could  hang  your 
hat  on  them. 

The  first  remark  that  we  heard  after  the  boat  struck  rough 
water,  was  a  statement  made  by  a  freckled  faced  boy.  We 
knew  he  was  enjoying  the  excursion  by  his  looks  He  was 
pale  around  the  mouth,  and  as  he  gazed  off  upon  the  blue 
expanse  of  water,  which  seemed  to  be  set  in  edgeways,  he 
pressed  his  hand  to  his  heaving  bosom,  bowed  down  so  that 
his  manly  breast  touched  the  railing,  and  placing  his  other 
hand  on  his  forehead,  he  said  in  a  voice  filled  with  touching 
strains  and  boiled  cabbage : 

"N-o-o  Y-o-i-c-k!" 

At  first  we  thought  he  was  an  old  resident  ot  the  eastern 
metropolis,  and.  that  the  water  had  reminded  him  of  his  old 
home,  and  he  had  inadvertently  spoken  its  name.  But  as  he 
kept  repeating  the  remark,  as  though  some  one  doubted  his 
statement,  we  felt  that  it  was  oniy  a  way  he  had  of  thanking 
us  for  the  pleasure  which  he  was  enjoying.  Presently  others 
joined  him  and  the  conversation  was  largely  on  the  subject 
of  '.'N-e-w  Y-o-i-c-k." 

While  this  was  occurring  we  were  peacefully  reclining  on 
the  lounge  in  Capt.  Cochrane's  state  room.  We  were  suffer- 
ing from  an  old  wound,  in  the  stomach,  and  did  not  see 


103 

much  company.  We  know  that  dishonorable  parlies,  and 
subsidized  papers  have  sought  to  create  the  impression  that 
we  were  sea-sick,  but  nothing  could  be  farther  from  the 
truth.  We  lay  there  meditating,  and  wondering — how  far 
it  WE.S  to  Racine.  The  good  ship  tossed  upon  the  waves  as 
playful  and  gently  as  possible,  and  touching  strains  met  our 
ears  from  the  passengers  outside.  There  was  a  young  couple 
seated  near  the  room  in  which  we  were  nursing  our  wound, 
a  girl  about  eighteen  years  old,  with  black  eyes,  and  a 
blonde  young  gentleman,  both  of  them  in  love. 

The  captain  told  us  that  sea-sickness  always  affected  par- 
ties in  love  more  than  others,  and  we  congratulate  oursclf 
that  we  were  not  in  love.  This  couple  were  holding  each 
other's  hands,  and  gazing  in  each  other's  eyes,  as  though 
there  was  a  panorama  of  the  world  on  exhibition  there,  and 
presently  he  spoke.  Squeezing  her  left  hand,  he  said  : 

"Darling,  when  I  am  with  you  I  feel  as  though  I  should 
— N-e-w  Y-o-i-c-k."  and  he  turned  his  head  to  look  at  a 
sail  boat  that  was  passing.  She  placed  her  hand  on  his 
damp  forehead  and  looked  at  him  with  her  loving  black 
eyes,  and  said : 

"O,  my  dear,  if  you  should  die  I  know  I  should — W-a-u- 
k-e-s-h-a,"  and  she  turned  her  head  in  the  direction  of  St. 
Francis  seminary  as  though  her  head  ached. 

"P-e-w-a-u  k-e-e,"  said  he,  as  his  head  fell  over  the  railing, 
and  his  stomach  refused  .to  be  comforted. 

Then  they  clasped  hands  and  said,  as  they  looked  down 
on  the  lower  deck,  "w-a-s-h-d-i-s-h,"  and  a  deck  hand  came 
along  with  a  pail. 

How  long  this  sparking  might  have  been  kept  up  we  do 
not  know,  if  we  had  not  made  a  noise  10  attract  their  atten- 
tion. We  felt  that  it  was  mean  in  us  to  thus  lay  in  ambush 
and  listen  to  the  conversation  of  two  lovers  which  was  only 
intended  for  each  other's  ears,  and  for  the  great  lake.  So  they 
staggered  into  the  cabin  as  though  they  were  tired  of  the 
world  and  its  enjoyments.  The  trip  from  Milwaukee  to 
Racine  was  uneventful,  but  it  was  very  enjoyable.  Parties 
sat  around  in  groups,  singing  songs,  listening  to  the  band, 
and  holding  each  other's  heads.  The  captain  was  all 
around  amongst  them,  telling  them  that  the  sea  was  going 
down,  and  that  there  wasn't  much  wind  any  way.  Occasion- 
ally he  would  come  into  our  stateroom  and  out  a.  wet  cloth 


104 

on  our  head.  If  you  are  ever  suffering  from  an  old  wound, 
contracted  in  the  army,  on  a  steamboat,  when  the  waves  are 
rolling  high,  put  a  wet  cloth  on  your  head.  Some  say  that 
eating  a  lemon  will  help,  or  that  a  swallow  of  .brandy  will 
keep  everything  in  its  place,  but  give  us  a  wet  cloth.  That's 
what  kind  of  a  fellow  we  are.  Sea- sick?  We  were  never 
freer  from  sea-sickness  in  our  life,  but  no  place  ever  looked 
so  good  to  us  as  Racine  When  the  boat  landed  we  couldn't 
get  off  quick  enough. 

At  the  landing  were  several  hundred  citizens,  and  among 
them  were  ex-Senator  Baker,  and  ex-Assemblyman  Field, 
gentlemen  with  whom  we  had  fought  on  many  a  bloody 
field,  when  the  legislature  was  in  session.  They  had  pro- 
vided omnibusses  for  the  newsboys,  and  the  little  fellows  re- 
covered from  their  sea-sickness,  got  in  and  were  driven  about 
the  beautiful  little  city,  through  its  shady  residence  streets, 
jut  to  the  college  grounds,  and  around  to  all  the  points  of  in- 
terest, until  they  were  hungry,  and  then  they  were  seated 
at  tables  in  a  coffee  house,  and  furnished  with  supper  that 
would  have  made  any  one  happy.  For  nearly  an  hour  the 
little  business  men  stayed  by  the  tables,  doing  justice  to  the 
spread,  and  feeling  thankful  to  the  large  hearted  citizens 
mentioned  for  their  liberality  to  boys  who  had  no  claim 
upon  them.  After  supper  the  boys  wandered  around  until 
time  for  the  boat  to  leave,  when  they  got  aboard,  full  of  en- 
thusiasm, lunch  and  lemonade,  which  they  firmly  made  up 
their  minds  to  take  home  with  them,  if  it  was  possible. 

We  have  never  seen  a  party  enjoy  themselves  as  did  these 
little  people  at  Racine.  They  seemed  to  feel  that  they 
amounted  to  something,  and  that  the  kind  treatment  they 
had  received  was  from  men  who  expected  them  to  behave 
like  gentlemen,  which  they  certainly  did.  We  doubt  if  the 
same  number  of  boys,  from  any  walk  of  life,  could  be  taken 
from  Milwaukee,  and  behave  any  better  than  did  these  waifs, 
these  boys  that  are  often  looked  upon  as  being  pretty 
rough. 

Racine  is  one  of  the  most  beautiful  cities  in  the  west.  It 
is  admirably  located  on  the  bank  of  the  lake,  on  a  point 
where  the  breeze  always  blows.  It  is  high  and  healthy,  has 
artesian  wells  with  a  never  failing  supply  of  the  purest  water 
in  the  world,  and  is  populated  by  the  finest  class  of  people. 
There  is  a  great  deal  of  wealth  in  Racine,  and  its  society  is 


105 

anost  excellent,  as  is  well  known  everywhere.  An  invitation 
to  spend  a  week  with  a  Racine  family,  is  an  assurance  of 
hospitality  the  most  unbounded,  and  of  pleasure  most  en- 
joyable. 

At  eight  o'clock  the  Dix  started  on  the  return  trip,  with 
breakers  splashing  up  the  breakwater  into  the  lumber  yard 
that  made  passengers  think  of  their  latter  end.  We  wanted 
to  wait  at  Racine  and  come  home  on  the  cars,  because  we 
inew  the  conductor,  but  the  captain  said  if  we  deserted  the 
ship  he  could  have  us  arrested  for  abandonment  and  mutiny 
on  the  high  seas.  We  wanted  to  stay  and  see  the  depot 
where  Nort.  Field  stays,  and  hear  Baker  tell  about  the  rums 
of  Pompeii,  but  the  passengers  said  if  we  did  the  papers 
would  all  say  we  were  sea-sick,  so  we  buckled  our  belt  up 
another  hole  and  went  on  board,  and  laid  down,  as  our  old 
wound,  contracted  in  the  war  of  1812  began  to  pain  us.  As 
the  boat  got  outside  of  the  fence  at  Racine,  a  large  body  of 
water  came  right  up  in  front  as  though  to  defy  the  boat, 
and  that  vessel  run  right  into  it  head  fust,  and  stood  on  her 
head  on  the  wave  and  kicked  up  its  rudder,  and  seemed  to 
laugh  at  the  waves.  We  closed  our  eyes,  crossed  our  hands 
on  our  not  so  confounded  peaceful  breast,  said,  "Now  I  lay 
me,"  and  felt  for  our  revolver.  If  we  could  have  proved 
that  the  captain  was  running  that  boat  teetering  like  that, 
just  to  bother  us,  we  should  have  killed  him.  When  a  man 
has  a  good  meal  in  his  haversack,  he  likes  to  have  it  keep 
quiet,  and  not  go  dancing  a  quadrille  around  his  stomach, 
to  the  music  of  the  brass  band.  It  might  not  have  been  the 
music  that  caused  it,  but  when  the  band  played  the  lanciers, 
the  ham  sandwich  in  there  joined  hands  with  the  doughnuts 
and  went  forward  and  back,  the  ice  tea  swung  on  the  corn- 
ers with  the  cucumbers,  and  all  joined  hands  and  went  down 
in  the  middle.  We  were  always  opposed  to  dancing  on 
Sunday,  and  groaned  as  the  band  struck  up  a  waltz,  and 
the  groceries  and  provisions,  and  high  wines  chose  partners 
and  went  whirling  around  in  there,  bumping  up  against  ribs, 
knocking  corners  ott  of  projecting  liver,  and  grazing  other 
furniture.  For  two  mortal  hours  we  lay  there,  solemnly  be- 
lieving that  each  moment  would  be  our  next.  And  yet  we 
were  not  sea-sick.  It  was  the  result  of  prostration  from  the 
heat  of  the  week  before. 

Whatever  they  tell  you  to  do,   on  such  a  trip,  don't  you 


106 

do  it.  All  our  friends  had  prescriptions  that  would  prevent 
sea-sickness.  Dave  Vance  said  he  had  known  men  to  be 
entirely  cured,  in  five  minutes,  by  drinking  a  pint  of  beer. 
Desiring  to  be  cured  in  two  minutes  and  a  half,  we  took  a 
quart  ot  beer.  Then  Ed.  Sanderson  said  that  on  the  ocean 
men  that  drank  this  rattle-stomach  pop,  never  got  sea-sick, 
and  we  todk  a  couple  of  bottles  of  pop.  Bob  McKittnck, 
who  was  pale  as  a  ghost,  and  sick,  said  it  cured  him  to 
smoke  a  cigar,  and  we  smoked.  Captain  Cochrane  said 
"lay  flat  on  your  back  and  think  of  the  girl  you  left  behind 
you,  and  you  are  all  right."  We  tried  that,  but  more  than 
eleven  hundred  girls  left  behind  us,  and  before  us,  came 
galloping  through  our  brain,  and  that  almost  made  us  sick. 
One  man  said  brandy  settled  his  hash,  and  we  tried  that, 
and  another  prescribed  lemons,  and  finally  we  found  that 
too  many  doctors  had  got  their  work  in,  or  that  we  had  got 
the  remedies  in  in  the  wrong  order.  It  was  evident,  from 
certain  indications,  that  the  beer  which  was  stored  in  the 
hold  first  had  struck,  and  wanted  a  fair  show.  But  why  talk 
about  the  sad  past.  It  is  all  right  now,  and  anybody  who 
says  we  were  sea-sick  is  a  horse  thief  and  a  villain,  and  we 
can  prove  it  by  the  captain. 

Everybody  that  was  well  had  plenty  of  fun  coming  back. 
The  air  was  bracing,  the  lake  looked  lovely,  and  the  boat 
plowed  through  the  water  like  a  leviathan,  and  all  felt  that 
under  its  careful  management  they  were  as  safe  as  though  at 
home.  At  ten  o'clock  she  arrived  at  her  dock,  and  the 
happy  excursionists,  citizens,  ladies,  children,  newsboys  and 
everybody  went  home  glad  that  they  had  gone  to  Racine, 
and  got  back. 

From  an  article  in  the  Leader  we  gather  that  Frank  Drake, 
editor  of  the  Rushford  Star,  was  horsewhipped  by  a  woman 
who  was  dissatisfied  with  some  article  of  his  that  appeared 
against  her,  in  the  Star.  A  woman  that  cowhides  an  editor 
is  no  gentleman. 

S.  D.  Carpenter  of  Madison  has  prepared  a  paper  for  deliv- 
ery., entitled  "The  Thesis  and  Hypothesis  of  Popular  Religion 
as  applied  to  the  question:  Is  the  Bible  the  Divine  Guide 
to  Heaven?"  It  is  said  to  be  a  combined  self  raker  and  bin- 
der. 


107 

TWO  CHROMEOS. 


There  may  be  some  who  would  not  endorse  the  chro- 
meo  man  as  an  angel,  but  we  desire  to  remark   that   the 
one  who  comes  around  with  the  tin  cuspadote  for  people 
to  expectorate  language  into  his   auracular    appendage,  is 
a  success.     We  have    on  draught  in   our   celler   two   pic- 
tures  furnished  by    him  that   are  gems  of  art.     One  is  a 
female  with  a  piece  of  petticoat  over  her   head.     We  are 
not  sufficiently  versed  in  profane  history  to  tell  whether  it 
is  "Beatrice,"  '-Evangeline,"  or  Dr.  Mary  Walker,  but  who- 
ever it  is    the     artist  has    thrown  much  soul,    and  uoper 
leather,  into  the    picture.     The  soft    eyes,  large  as  a  cup 
of    red  raspberries,  look  as  though  they  would  look  right 
through  a  person,    and    come    out   the    other   side,  while 
the  ruby  lips  seem  to  pucker  up  as  much  as  to  say,     Let 
me  kiss  him  for  his  mother."     The  picture  on  the  whole 
is  grand  and  sublime.     The  other  is  a    winter  scene,  and 
it  is  the  coolest   thing   about  the   house.     It  represents  a 
six  horse   team,    hauling  a  load  of  hay  in  a  4th  of  July 
procession,   in  a  driving    snow    storm.     Everything    looks 
as  if  it  would  be   blowed,  even    to    the    drivers,    and  the 
dog    in   front  of   the  horses.     The    hottest  days  we  have 
had  so  far  this  summer,  have  been   made  comfortable  by 
this  picture.     We  lay  down  on  the  floor  and  look  at  that 
picture  a  few  minutes,  and  we    can  feel   the   snow  blow- 
ing up  our   trousers   legs,  and   down   our    neck,  and   we 
have  to  pull  a  buffalo  robe   over    us.     Yes,   the   old  man 
who  chromo's  the  public  with  his  tin  ear  is  a  success. 

A  Minnesota  town  got  a  fire  steamer  on  trial,  and  tested 
it  by  trying  to  drown  out  a  gopher.  After  working  it  six 
hours  with  the  nozzle  in  the  gopher  hole,  they  removed  the 
nozaie,  when  the  gcphercame  out  and  went  to  the  river  t 
get  a  drink.  He  would  have  died  of  thirst  if  they  had  kept 
the  hole  closed  much  longer. 

This  is  the  season  of  the  year  when  the  mind  of  the  aver- 
age man  is  filled  with  terrible  forebodings,  and  he  is  harras- 
sed  with  the  thought  that  the  hole  in  the  seat  of  h:s  pants  is 
below  the  tail  of  his  coat,  and  he  involuntarily  ooks  over 
his  shoulder  to  see  if  a  woman  is  near,  and  buckles  up  his 
suspenders  so  that  his  pants  chate  his  elbow. 


108 
THE    LEGEND    OF    THE    LAKE. 


Every  noted  place  of  resort  has  an  Indian  legend,  and 
the  first  thing  Ldid  after  getting  my  dinner  was  to  look  up 
the  legendist.  I  wanted  to  hear  how  it  was  that  the  In- 
dians had  ceased  to  frequent  this  spot.  So  in  looking  for 
the  boss  legendist  I  struck  Judge  Lamoreaux,  of  Dodge 
county,  who  had  been  here  with  a  party  of  friends,  Mr. 
Hayes,  and  Mr.  Van  Brunt,  with  all  their  wives.  They 
had  been  searching  for  ferns  and  legends  and  they  had  a 
car  load.  The  Judge  had  heard  of  the  legend,  and  he  took 
me  one  side,  and  with  tears  in  his  eyes  related  to  me  the 
horrible  story  just  as  he  had  received  it  from  an  Indian  named 
O'Flanegan,  who  sells  relics  in  the  shape  of  rye.  If  I  can 
control  my  emotion  long  enough  to  write  it,  it  will  be  a  big 
thing  for  history. 

Years  ago  an  Indian  chief  who  lived  in  a  dog  tent  and 
caught  rattlesnakes  for  a  side  show,  had  a  daughter,  a  beau- 
tious  maiden,  about  the  color  and  odor  of  smoked  bacon, 
and  she  wore  a  red  blanket  cut  biased,  and  a  tilter,  under  a 
polonaise  made  over  from  her  last  year's  striped  silk.  She 
was  the  belliest  squaw  in  the  hills,  and  took  the  premium  at 
all  the  county  fairs,  and  she  could  shoot  a  deer  equal  to  any 
buck  Indian.  Her  name  was  Hiawasamantha,  and  she  had 
two  lovers,  a  Frenchman  and  a  young  Indian.  In  figuring 
up  the  returns  there  was  some  doubt  as  to  who  was  elected, 
so  the '  father  of  the  girl  decided  to  go  behind  the  returns, 
and  settle  it  by  a  commission.  There  was  an  eagle's  nest 
half  way  up  the  rocks,  with  young  eagles  in  it,  and  the  old 
chief  said  that  the  one  that  got  there  first  and  brought  him 
a  young  eagle,  should  have  the  squaw.  She  got  on  a  stump 
to  watch  the  race,  and  away  they  went.  The  Frenchman 
climbed  up  the  back  stairs  and  got  there  ahead  of  the  Indian, 
when  the  young  Indian  drew  from  his  trowsers  leg  a  bar  of 
railroad  iron  and  drove  it  to  the  hilt  in  the  breast  of  the 
Frenchman,  not,  however,  till  the  Frenchman  had  drawn 
from  his  pistol  pocket  a  300  ton  Krupp  gun  and  sent  a  solid 
shot  weighing  280  pounds  crashing  into  the  skull  of  the  In- 
dian, and  both  rolled  to  the  bottom  of  the  bluff,  dead.  Dr. 
Hall,  of  Baraboo  was  called,  and  he  probed  for  the  ball, 
but  could  not  find  it,  and  neither  could  he  get  the  bar  of 
railroad  iron  out  of  the  Frenchman,  and  so  they  were  buriec. 


109 

on  the  spot  where  now  stands  the  Cliff  House.  The 
squaw  looked  around  for  another  fellow,  but  they  all  had 
other  engagements,  the  excursion  train  having  arrived 
from  La  Crosse,  and  so  she  went  up  on  the  crag  and 
said,  "Big  Injun  me,"  and  jumped  off  and  was  dashed 
into  1,347  pieces,  and  the  wedding  was  broke  up.  Pieces 
of  the  squaw  can  now  be  found  among  the  rocks,  petri- 
fied, but  retaining  the  odor  of  the  ancient  tribe.  I  got 
a  piece  of  her,  evidently  a  piece  broken  off  her  ear, 
which  retains  its  shape  perfectly,  and  will  long  be  a  remind- 
er of  my  visit  to  Devil's  Lake.  (P.  S. — Disreputable  parties 
•are  selling  pieces  of  stuff  purporting  to  be  genuine  remains 
of  this  beauteous  maiden,  but  they  are  base  imitations. 
None  genuine  unless  the  trade  mark  is  stamped  on  them.) 


It  has  been  discovered  that  cholera  morbus  can  be  pre- 
vented by  vaccination,  the  same  as  small  pox.  Take  a  good 
sized  cucumber,  sharpen  it  at  the  point,  lay  bare  the  stom- 
ach, and  pierce  it  until  the  seeds  begin  to  flow  from  the  cu- 
cumber, then  poultice  the  wound  on  the  inside,  with  a  glass 
of  brandy,  to  which  has  been  added  a  little  peppermint. 
This  is  worth  trying. 

Any  person  who  wants  to  buy  a  Sewing  Machine  should 
accost  the  editor  of  THE  SUN  on  the  subject.  We  have  a 
seventy  five  dollar  sewing  machine,  that  has  never  been  tread 
at  all.  We  have  been  for  a  year  trying  to  sell  it  at  a  private 
sale,  and  have  had  detectives  on  the  track  of  parties  who  we 
suspected  wanted  to  buy  a  sewing  machine,  but  every  time, 
just  before  we  got  there  some  other  man  would  invariably 
sell  a  machine,  and  get  the  money  in  his  pocket.  Now,  we 
don't  want  to  go  into  the  sewing  machine  business,  or  interfere 
with  the  regular  trade,  but  we  are  going  to  get  that  blasted  lock 
stitch,  stem  winding,  base  burning  quill  wheel  off  our  mind 
if  it  is  the  last  ace  of  our  mortal  career.  We  owe  a  man 
three  dollars,  haven't  got  the  money,  and  that  sewing  ma- 
chine stares  us  in  the  face,  representing  $75  of  hard  earned 
advertising.  The  populace  that  is  suffering  for  sewing  ma- 
chines is  requested  to  move  on  our  works  at  once.  We  yearn 
for  seventy  five  dollars,  with  all  that  the  name  implies.  If 
not  sold  soon,  the  next  creditor  that  draws  on  us  for  $75 
will  receive  tliat  machine  through  the  bank. 

TO 


110 

A    NEW    SPARKING    SCHEME. 


A  number  of  fathers  who  have  daughters,  have  formed  a 
society,  the  object  of  which  is  to  charge  young  men  who 
visit  the  girls,  for  meals,  gas,  wear  and  tear  of  furniture,  etc. 
There  has  been  so  much  sparking  going  on  which  did  not 
mean  business,  that  the  organization  has  seemed,  necessary. 
The  charges  are  made  every  Monday  morning,  and  if  not 
paid,  the  young  men  are  bounced  the  next  time  they  call. 
In  some  instances  it  is  C.  O.  D.,  the  payments  being  made 
at  once.  Young  men  who  mean  business  do  not  complain, 
because  it  is  understood  that  if  they  marry  the  girls,  the 
money  is  returned  to  them,  or  used  to  set  them  up  house- 
keeping. In  this  way  quite  a  sum  is  realized.  If  the 
sparking  does  not  result  in  marriage,  the  money  goes  to  pay 
running  expenses  of  the  house,  or  to  clothe  the  girls.  A 
couple  was  married  on  the  West  Side  a  few  weeks  ago,  who 
had  been  keeping  company  for  two  years,  and  the  father  of 
the  bride  presented  to  them  two  hundred  and  seventy  dol- 
lars and  fifty  cents.  The  most  of  it  was  for  gas  and  coal, 
though  about  sixteen  dollars  was  for  a  front  gate  that  was 
broken.  The  young  man  kicked  on  paying  for  repairing 
the  gate,  at  the  time,  alleging  that  some  one  else  had  been 
there,  but  the  old  man  told  him  he  could  quit  if  he  didn't 
like  it.  As  he  had  already  paid  over  two  hundred  dollars, 
he  stayed  in.  It  seems  to  us  as  though  this  new  idea  would 
revolutionize  the  noble  art  of  sparking. 

"Darling  kiss  my  eyelids  down,"  is  the  name  of  the  new- 
est sentimental  song.  Yes,  and  get  a  mustache  in  her  eye, 
and  have  her  knock  your  teeth  out  with  her  boot  heel. 
These  innocent  appearing  songs  get  more  people  into  trouble 
than  all  the  Sunday  schools 

A  fashion  item  says,  "The  drawers  this  year  are  made 
very  short,  and  some  have  lace  ruffles."  Some  fashion 
reporter  has  evidently  been  looking  over  our  back  fence  at 
the  clothes  line.  But  they  got  awfully  fooled.  The  short- 
ness of  those  drawers  was  caused  by  the  flannel  shrinking 
and  the  "lace  ruffles"  the  reporter  noticed  is  where  a  calf 
chewed  them  when  they  were  hanging  out  to  dry  last  fall  on 
Black  Hawk  Island,  when  a  gun  kicked  us  out  of  a  boat. 
Some  of,  these  fashion  reporters  think  they  are  smart. 


Ill 

FISHING  FOR  PIECES  OF  WOMAN. 


There  are  lots  of  ludicrous  scenes  to  be  observed  on  the 
railroads  and  conductors  are  loaded  with  stories  that  would 
cause  a  marble  monument  to  split  its  sides  laughing.  Some 
day  we  are  going  to  borrow  a  conductor,  and  take  him  out 
in  the  woods,  and  place  a  revolver  to  his  head  and  make 
him  stand  and  deliver  a  lot  of  stories.  The  other  day  as 
conductor  Fred  Underwood's  train  from  Chicago  arrived  on 
the  trestle  work  on  the  south  side,  the  whistle  blew,  the  air 
break  was  touched  off,  and  the  train  came  up  standing  sc 
quick  that  a  woman  lost  her  false  teeth  in  the  sleeper,  and 
everybody's  hair  stood  up  like  a  mule's  ears.  Every  window 
had  a  head  out,  and  when  the  conductor  got  out  on  the 
platform  he  saw  the  engineer  and  fireman  on  the  ends  of 
the  ties  looking  down  into  the  mud  and  water,  shading  their 
eyes  as  though  looking  for  the  eclipse. 

There,  sticking  out  of  the  mud  were  two  human  legs,  and 
as  one  leg  had  a  piece  of  listing  tied  around  it,  just  above 
the  veal,  the  conductor  knew,  instinctively,  that  the  surface 
indications  showed  that  ;here  was  a.  woman  in  there.  Then 
he  thought  that  the  engine  had  probably  struck  a  female, 
and  torn  her  all  to  pie».,ts,  and  of  course  he  knew  that  the 
company  would  expect  mm  to  bring  home  enough  for  a 
mess,  or  a  funeral.  Spitting  on  his  hands  and  calling  a 
brakemaa  with  a  transom  hook  out  of  the  sleeper,  to  fish  with, 
they  relied  up  their  trowsers  and  waded  in,  alter  telling  the 
porter  to  bring  a  blanket  to  put  the  pieces  in.  The  brake- 
man  got  there  first  and  took  hold  of  onefoo',  when  the  con- 
ductor got  hold  of  the  brakeman's  coat  tail  and  pulled. 
The  passengers  turned  away  sick,  expecting  to  see  the 
mangled  remains  brought  to  the  surface.  They  pulled,  and 
directly  the  balance  of  the  deceased  came  \;p.  It  was  an 
Irish  lady,  with  a  tin  pail,  who  had  been  on  the  way  to  take 
her  husband's  dinner  to  him,  and  she  stood  on  one  side  to 
let  the  train  pass,  and  had  lost  her  balance  and  fallen  into 
the  mud.  As  her  head  came  out  of  the  mud,  she  squirted 
water  out  of  her  mouth,  kicked  the  brakeman  in  the  ear  and 
said, 

"Lave  go  of  me,  I  am  a  dacent  woman!" 

The  conductor  asked  her  if  she  was  hurt. 

"Hurted  is  it,"  said   she,  "Ivery  bone  in  me  body  is  kflt 


112 

intirely,  and  I  have  lost  me  tay  cup,"  and  she  looked  in  her 
tin  pail  in  distress. 

After  vainly  trying  to  get  the  conductor  to  wade  in  and 
search  for  her  "tay  cup,"  she  permitted  them  to  assist  her 
into  the  car,  where  an  old  doctor  from  Racine  volunteered 
to  examine  her  to  see  if  she  was  mortally  injured.  He  put 
his  hand  on  her  shoulder,  and  asked  her  if  she  was  in  any 
pain. 

"Divil  the  pain,  except  the  loss  of  me  tay  cup,"  said  she, 
"and  kape  yer  owld  hands  off  me,  for  I  am  a  dacent 
woman." 

She  shook  herself  in  the  car  and  got  mud  all  over  every- 
body, and  finally  took  her  pail  and  jumped  off  at  a  cross 
street  before  arriving  at  the  depot.  As  the  train  came  into 
the  depot  ten  minutes  late,  and  the  conductor  jumped  oft", 
all  mud  from  head  to  foot,  as  though  he  had  been  playing 
spaniel  and  retrieving  a  wounded  duck,  Supt.  Atkins  looked 

at  his  clothes  and  caid,  "Where  in have  you  been  all 

the  time  ?"  The  conductor  took  a  wisp  of  straw  to  wipe 
himself  off,  and  as  he  threw  it  under  a  car  he  said  he  had 
been  engaged  in  the  artificial  propagation  of  the  human 
race.  In  fact  he  had  been  engaged  in  the  noble  work  oi 
raising  woman  to  a  higher  sphere.  He  was  allowed  to  go 
on  probation  and  wash  himself.  The  brakeman  went  down 
there  next  day  and  was  fishing  in  the  same  hole.  He  said 
he  didn't  know  but  there  might  be  more  women  in  there, 
but  they  say  he  was  after  the  "tay  cup." 


A  greenback  orator  in  Newago,  Mich.,  began  his  speech 
as  follows:  "Man  is  apt  to  indulge  in  the  illusions  of  hope 
and  listen  to  the  voice  of  that  siren  which  transform  men  in- 
to beasts."  At  this  point  some  one  hit  him  in  the  stomach 
with  a  large  parsnip,  and  freedom  shrieked  as  Kosciusko  fell. 
He  was  permitted  to  have  his  remarks  printed. 

People  who  send  children  to  the  store  after  groceries 
should  caution  them  not  to  eat  on  the  way  home.  A  little 
girl  bought  some  yeast  cakes  at  Mart  Watson's  the  other 
day,  and  began  to  eat  one,  and  before  she  got  home,  she 
had  raised  so  that  her  clothes  were  altogether  too  small,  and 
her  mother  had  to  bake  her  with  a  slipper  before  she  could 
get  them  off.  It  is  awful  "raisin." 


113 

AN  INDIAN  ATTACK. 


Intelligence  from  Bismark,  Dacotah,  is  to  the  effect  that 
the  La  Crosse  surveying  party,  composed  of  those  eminent 
surveyors,  Lycurgus  Rusk,  Will  Ustick  and  young  Morris, 
had  been  driven  back  to  Bismark,  by  the  hostile  Indians. 
It  would  have  been  a  sorry  day  for  those  Indians  if  they  had 
attacked  the  young  men  here  in  La  Crosse,  as  they  would 
have  been  slaughtered  indiscriminately.  It  is  easier  to  fight 
Indians  here  at  home  than  away  out  there  on  the  plains. 
We  cannot  think  that  these  young  men  gave  up  the  object  of 
the  expedition  without  a  struggle,  and  from  what  we  know  of 
the  sanguinary  nature  of  the  boys,  we  are  sure  that  many  red 
men  have  bitten  the  dust.  In  imagination  we  can  see  the 
plains  covered  for  miles  with  the  bleaching  bones  of  the  sav- 
age, but  too  impetuous  Indians.  We  can  see  a  Pawnee  brave 
and  six  squaws  attacking  young  Rusk,  on  front,  flank  and 
rear,  see  him  run  them  through  with  his  trusty  surveyor's 
telescope,  and  as  they  lie  in  heaps  at  his  feet,  hear  him  say, 
"May  the  great  spirit  forgive  me.  Me  father  was  a  soldier 
too,  and  not  afraid  to  die  !  Bring  on  another  wigwam  full." 
And  we  can,  by  the  aid  of  a  double  lens  imagination,  see 
young  Will  Ustick,  attired  in  a  swallow  tailed  coat,  kid 
gloves  and  a  butcher  knife,  entrenched  behind  a  bit  of  sage 
brush,  hurling  hand  grenades  and  sixty  pound  percussion 
shells,  into  the  sullied  ranks  of  the  savages,  killing  them  by 
thousands,  and  as  his  ammunition  runs  out,  and  he  is  cap- 
tured, the  chief  of  the  tribe  is  about  to  have  him  sawed  up 
into  gang  planks  by  a  gang  saw,  we  can  see  a  young  Poca- 
hontas,  dressed  in  a  string  of  beads,  a  buckskin  game  bag 
and  a  shaker  sun  bonnet,  throw  herself  upon  him  and  say 
to  herj-stern  parent,  "Save  him,  old  man,  save  him  for  my 
sake,  and  I  will  give  you  a  coal  stove  chromo !"  And  the 
old  man  says:  "It  shall  be  as  you  wish.  The  pale  face  is 
saved.  Poky,  remember  the  eagle  eye  of  your  parent  is  on 
you  two  young  critters,"  and  the  band  strikes  up  a  waltz, 
and  the  young  couple  waltz  across  the  prairie  to  her  wig- 
wam, and  send  for  the  medicine  man  of  the  tribe.  Another 
turn  of  the  wheel  and  we  see  young  Buffalo  Bill  Morris,  with 
his  trusty  dog,  keeping  at  bay  the  savages,  while  the  red 
men  play  marbles  on  his  coat  tails.  When  the  true  history 
of  this  Indian  fight  is  written,  we  are  sure  that  our  view  of 


114 

it  will  not  be  far  out  of  the  way,  and  we  trust  Gen.  Rusk 
will  see  that  an  appropriation  is  made  by  Congress  to  pay 
these  intrepid  and  daring  young  men  for  their  loss  of  blood 
and  treasure. 

We  have  experienced  both  kinds  of  tights — that  is,  have 
observed  them  at  a  distance,  but  never  felt  the  blighting 
effects  of  either — and  the  hundred  dollar  tights  make  us 
more  dizzy  than  the  latter.  We  want  to  take  the  pledge, 
never  to  look  upon  the  wine  when  it  is  red,  or  the  tights 
either. 


It  is  a  singular  fact  that  when  a  minister  announces  the 
Lord's  Supper  for  Sunday,  and  an  oyster  supper  for  Wed- 
nesday evening,  the  former  is  only  attended  by  a  few  of  the 
old  settlers  and  plenty  of  victuals  are  left  over,  while  the 
latter  is  so  crowded  that  there  isn't  an  oyster  apiece  all 
around. 


The  government  has  issued  a  new  double  barreled  breech 
loading  postal  card  which,  like  a  good  rule,  works  both 
ways.  For  instance,  we  can  send  one  o/  the  postal  cards  to 
a  man  at  Oshkosh,  and  inform  him  that  he  o^ves  us  two 
dollars,  and  ask  him  what  he  is  going  to  do  about  it.  He 
can  tell  us,  on  the  same  card,  to  go  to  the  devil,  and  ask 
us  what  we  are  going  to  do  about  it,  all  for  one  price  of 
admission,  one  stamp  admits  to  both  shows.  What  the 
country  needs  now  is  a  postal  card  that  a  subscriber  can 
remit  two  dollars  in,  before  he  forgets  it. 


An  exchange  says  on  looking  into  his  cash  accounts,  recent- 
ly, the  duke  of  Hamilton  found  to  his  consternation  a  deficit 
which  could  not  be  accounted  for  of  no  less  a  sum  than 
^1,500,000.  How  did  this  unpleasant  state  of  things  occur  ?" 
O,  you  can't  tell.  Such  things  are  liable  to  happen. 
Only  last  week  the  Sun's  cashier  found  that  there  was  a 
deficit  in  the  cash  account.  He  went  over  it  half  a  dozen 
times,  and  was  on  the  point  of  going  crazy  when  the  editoi 
happened  to  remember  that  he  had  invited  H.  H.  Giles  out 
to — that  is,  to  go  out  with  him,  and  so  the  ten  cents  was 
accounted  for.  We  cannot  wonder  that  the  Duke  of  Ham- 
ilton was  astonished. 


115 
KILLING  BIG  GAME. 


The  Conductors  on  the  St.  Paul  railroad  are  most  all  good 
sports  with  a  shot  gun.  There  is  Howard  and  Clason,  and 
Russell,  who  never  tire  of  talking  of  the  millions  of  chick- 
ens, ducks,  wild  turkeys  and  so  forth  that  they  have  killed. 
They  have  tried  to  get  conductor  Green  interested  in  field 
sports,  but  he  always  said  the  game  was  not  big  enough  for 
him.  He  said  he  had  his  opinion  of  men  that  would  sur- 
round a  little  chicken  with  spike  tailed  dogs,  and  then  kill  it 
and  call  it  sport.  What  he  wanted  was  big  game.  Noth- 
ing less  than  a  bear  would  do  him.  Last  week  the  owners 
of  the  cinnamon  bear  that  was  brought  down  from  the  Yel- 
lowstone, decided  to  have  it  killed,  and  some  one  told  them 
to  get  Green  to  kill  it,  as  he  was  an  old  bear  hunter  from 
the  Rocky  Mountains.  Green  said  he  was  rusty  on  bears, 
not  having  had  a  tussel  with  a  grizzly  in  several  years,  but  if 
they  couldn't  get  anybody  else  to  chance  the  bear  he  would 
make  hash  of  it.  So  they  went  down  to  the  ice  house  where 
the  bear  was.  Green  said  he  didn't  want  anybody  to  go  in 
with  him,  because  they  might  get  hurt.  He  put  on  Clason's 
hunting  suit,  took  a  carving  knife  in  his  teeth  and  a  revolver 
in  his  hand,  and  went  in  and  looked  the  bear  in  the  eye.  The 
bear  knew  Green  meant  business,  and  he  began  to  feel  around 
for  his  ticket  The  conductor  advanced  to  within  eleven 
feet  of  the  bear,  when  all  at  once  the  animal  sprang  at  him, 
growling  and  showing  his  teeth.  Green's  first  impulse  was 
t'j  pull  the  bel!  rope,  and  order  the  cuss  to  get  out  of  the  ice 
house,  but  he  saw  the  bear  coming  through  the  air  towards 
him,  and  there  was  not  four  hours  to  lose,  so  he  drew  the  re- 
volver, took  aim  at  the  bear's  left  eye  and  pulled.  There  was 
a  purl  of  smoke,  and  the  bear  fell  lifeless  at  his  feet.  Placing 
the  animal  in  his  game  sack,  he  wiped  the  blood  from  his 
knife  and  said  to  some  men  who  stood  outside,  their  faces 
ashy  pale :  "  Always  shoot  bears  in  the  left  eye."  The  men 
were  pleased  io  see  him  come  out  alive  and  they  shook  him 
warmly  by  the  hand.  The  other  conductors,  the  shooter?, 
are  jealous  of  Green,  and  they  are  telling  how  he  killed  the 
bear  by  going  up  in  the  loft  of  the  ice  house  and  falling  on 
him,  and  one  conductor  says  Green  shot  the  bear  with  a 
crow  bar  through  a  knot  hole.  Another  said  the  bear  had  all 
four  of  his  legs  tied  and  that  a  dose  of  poison  was  adniinis- 


116 

tered  through  a  syringe,  attached  to  a  pole,  while  another 
says  that  the  bear  died  from  fright.  All  these  stories  are  the 
result  of  jealousy.  The  bear  was  killed  just  as  we  say,  and 
there  are  few.  men  that  would  tackle  him — that  is,  few  men 
aside  from  conductors. 


A  black  bear  was  brought  into  town  for  sale  on  Friday, 
having  been  killed  by  Tom  Rand,  near  Onalaska.  He 
killed  it  with  a  little  rifle  that  didn't  look  big  enough  to  hurt 
a  hen.  If  bears  are  so  sociable  as  to  come  within  sight  of 
La  Crosse  to  be  killed,  it  will  be  a  good  excuse  for  husbands 
to  stay  at  home  nights. 


Scott  Siddons  is  said  to  have  obtained  a  divorce  from  the 
party  whose  shadow  used  to  fall  on  the  cash  drawer  in  the 
box  office.  If  actresses  would  swear  off  marrying  galoots 
who  have  no  object  in  life  except  to  spend  the  money  the 
darling  little  women  make  so  easily,  there  would  be  much 
more  happiness  in  the  profession.  They  should  occasionally 
marry  an  editor,  who  would  scorn  to  spend  their  money. 


Mr  E.  H.  Lane  is  canvassing  the  city  for  the  Universalist 
Bath.  We  don't  know  why  it  should  be  called  a  "Universalist 
Bath,"  as  it  more  nearly  resembles  a  Baptist  Bath,  as  we  re- 
member it.  The  bath  is  a  queer  thing,  consisting  of  an  India 
Rubber  hop  sack,  fastened  to  an  immense  ox  bow.  The 
ends  are  placed  on  to  chairs,  the  water  put  in,  and  you  get 
in  and  hippopotamus  and  take  a  complete  bath  from  Dan 
to  Beersheba,  in  a  tea  cup  full  of  water.  If  anybody  should 
come  in,  and  catch  you  with  your  breeches,  as  it  were,  down 
on  the  floor,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  drink  the  water,  wrap 
the  rubber  dingus  around  you,  and  tell  them  to  "lay  on 
Macduff."  For  children,  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  put  a  cor- 
set around  the  waist  of  the  bath,  put  in  a  homeopathic  dose 
of  water,  and  souse  the  young  ones.  Next  to  the  Colorado 
method  of  bathing,  which  is  to  hang  a  damp  rag  on  a  tree 
and  climb  up  the  rag,  this  Universalist  bath  beats  everything. 
Mr  Lane  will  very  likely  call  on  you  and  show  you  how  the 
old  thing  works.  It  is  also  good  to  cook  oysters  in  and  you 
can  blow  it  up  and  use  it  for  a  valise. 


117 

HOW  PECK  AJND  ANOTHER  MULE  CRUSHED  THE 
REBELLION. 


[The  following  Lecture  was  delivered  by  the  Author,  GEO.  W.  PECK,  IB 
tious  Western  Cities,  during  the  seasons  of  1876-7-8.] 

At  the  outset,  I  desire  to  make  a  candid  admission.  This 
lecture  is  a  funny  lecture.  This  admission  is  made  at  this 
time,  because  I  might  forget  it  at  the  close,  and  I  would  not 
desire  to  have  any  person  go  away  with  a  wrong  impres- 
sion. And  yet  this  was  not  intended  originally  for  a  humor- 
ous lecture;  it  was  a  serious  piece  of  business,  I  assure  you. 
I  felt  as  if  the  country  demande'd  the  true  history  of  the  war. 
but  after  I  had  got  it  written,  in  an  unguarded  moment  I 
read  it  over  to  a  friend,  in  private,  and  when  he  came  to, 
he  said  if  I  wasn't  mighty  careful  when  I  read  it  in  public  I 
would  make  somebody  laugh.  That  idea  struck  me  as  very 
ludicrous,  and  I  advertised  it  immediately  as  a  funny  lecture. 
It  was  the  merest  accident  in  the  world.  This  lecture  was 
first  delivered  in  a  church  in  Baraboo,  for  the  benefit  of  a 
sick  soldier,  and  it  was  so  successful,  financially,  that  I  have 
since  been  delivering  it  for  the  benefit  of  the  heathen.  And 
it  is  needless  to  remark  before  an  intelligent  audience,  that  I 
am  the  heathen,  myself.  It  was  so  successful,  that  after 
I  decided  to  call  this  a  humorous  lecture  I  spared  no 
pains  or  expense  to  make  it  a  success.  The  cover  cost  $  1.50. 
And  speaking  of  expense,  I  advertised  for  sealed  proposals 
to  furnish  jokes  for  it,  and  I  got  answers  from  some  of  the  best 
almanac  makers  in  the  country.  They  said  they  would  do 
anything  for  me.  Some  of  the  best  things  in  this  are  from 
Dr.  Ayer's  Almanac — the  yellow  covered  one. 

A  good  deal  depends  on  the  start,  for  a  humorous  lecture, 
so  when  I  went  to  Baraboo  I  hired  some  good  fellows  to  go 
along  and  do  the  laughing,  along  at  first,  till  the  people  got 
used  to  it.  No  person  could  ask  for  a  better  send  off  than  I 
got  that  first  evening.  I  had  it  arranged  with  them,  that 
when  I  put  my  handkerchief  to  my  face  or  took  a  drink  of 
water  they  were  to  laugh,  and  stamp  their  feet.  There  was 
only  one  mistake  made  during  the  evening.  I  was  telling 
about  a  dying  soldier,  and  just  as  I  had  got  to  where  he 
breathed  his  last,  I  became  very  much  affected,  and  my  eyes 
began  to  leak,  and  I  took  out  my  handkerchief  and  beat 


118 

back  the  briny  billows.  One  of  my  friends  observed  the 
signal,  and  though  surprised  to  see  it  in  such  an  affecting 
place,  there  was  nothing  mean  about  him  and  he  laughed 
immoderately,  and  kicked  a  board  off  the  pew.  He  after- 
wards told  me  he  had  his  doubts  about  it,  but  supposed  I 
knew  my  business.  This  came  near  breaking  up  the  show, 
but  when  the  constable  came  in  to  remove  my  applauding 
friend,  I  told  him  to  stay  his  hand,  it  was  a  part  of  the  pro- 
gramme. After  the  meeting  was  out  a  good  many  came 
forward  to  embrace  me,  and  one  old  lady  said  it  was  the 
most  affecting  discourse  she  had  ever  listened  to,  but  some 
times  it  was  all  she  could  do  to  keep  from  laughing.  There 
may  be  those  present  to-night  who  will  feel  like  laughing; 
they  needn't  hesitate  to  do  so,  on  my  account.  I  have  got 
used  to  it.  From  the  lavish  notices  of  the  press  in  regard 
to  this  lecture,  you  cannot  fail  to  see  that  it  is  a  success. 
The  press  is  the  lever  that  moves  the  world.  If  it  hadn't 
been  for  the  press,  I  don't  know  as  I  should  have  written 
any  notices  of  the  lecture  at  all.  If  there  is  anything  I 
pride  myself  on  it  is  lavish  encomiums  on  my  own  lecture. 
But  to  proceed.  If  I  were  asked  the  question  who 
broke  the  back  bone  of  the  rebellion,  I  should  be  compelled 
in  justice  to  myself  and  to  history,  to  say,  "I  cannot  tell  a  lie, 
I  did  it  with  my  little  mule."  There  was  two  of  us — too 
much  credit  cannot  be  accorded  to  the  mule,  the  other  one. 
I  am  aware  that  there  is  a  prejudice  existing  against  the 
mule,  as  a  class.  That  the  mule  is  not  received  with  that 
enthusiasm  that  it  deserves.  That  the  contrariness  of  the 
mule  has  been  the  subject  of  remark.  But  when  the  people 
of  America  know,  as  I  know,  and  as  I  will  tell  them  at  four 
shillings  a  head,  children  half  price — that  but  for  the  peculi- 
arity of  the  mule,  the  rebellion  would  not  have  been  squashed 
when  it  was,  they  will  unite  with  me  in  doing  homage  to 
the  long  suffering  animal.  I  trust  that  when  you  hear  my 
true  history  of  the  breaking  of  the  backbone  of  the  rebellion, 
a  tenderer  feeling  will  exist  in  your  heart  of  hearts,  for 
the  mule,  and  that  hereafter  when,  in  your  travels,  you  meet 
one,  and  hear  its  voice  go  out  in  plaintive  tones,  as  though 
•  inviting  your  sympathy,  you  will  look  upon  the  animal  with 
compassion,  and  think  that  there  are  worse  people  in  the 
world  than  the  mule.  If  my  discourse  shall  be  the  means  of 


119 

creating  a  better  feeling  towards  this  patient  animal,  life  will 
not  continue  to  be  a  blank. 

For  eight  long  and  weary  years  I  have  been  a  close  stu- 
dent of  the  histories  of  the  late  war  with  the  South,  but  the 
books  that  have  been  written,  all,* with  one  accord,  fail  to 
mention  the  name  of  our  Hero,  but  for  whose  patriotic  ser- 
vices and  devotion  to  the  flag,  by  flood  and  field,  the  war 
might  be  now  going  on  in  the  South,  if,  indeed,  the  rebels 
had  not  actually  invaded  the  North,  desolated  our  firesides 
and  laid  waste  our  loved  country,  from  Maine  to  California, 
and  from  Beef  Slough  to  Oshkosh.  In  my  researches  in 
history,  I  find  the  names  of  Grant,  Sherman,  Thomas,  and 
Dr.  Mary  Walker,  but  not  a  word  about  the  subject  of  my 
address.  The  memory  of  men  who  took  part  in  the  war  has 
been  perpetuated  in  marble,  where  they  are  dead,  and  in 
biographies,  poetry  and  post  offices,  where  living,  but  the 
trooper  of  whom  I  shall  speak,  has  neither  tombstone,  biog- 
raphy, poetry  or  post  office  created  to  his  memory,  but  re- 
mains unhonored  and  unsung,  as  though  he  had  never  faced 
the  leaden  hail,  or  bared  his  breast  to  the  deadly  bayonet, 
or  been  pierced  to  the  very  vitals  by  the  death-dealing  hard 
tack,  and  the  fatal  army  dried  apple.  Even  Quiner's 
History  ot  Wisconsin  Soldiers  carefully  avoids  any  mention 
of  the  battle  scarred  veteran,  this  second  G.  Washington, 
father  of  his  country,  or  step  father,  as  it  were.  I  will  go  a 
step  farther,  and  inform  you  that  the  hero  of  whom  I  speak, 
at  this  moment  stands  before  you. 

1  have  been  humiliated,  nay,  grieved,  many  a  time  and 
oft,  while  in  the  presence  of  other  soldiers  of  the  late  war, 
when,  in  an  unguarded  moment,  I  have  made  an  allusion 
to  some  circumstance  that  occurred  when  we  were  in  battle. 
A  look  of  doubt  would  overspread  the  faces  of  those  present, 
and  some  entertaining  idiot  would  say,  "Why,  you  !  Were 
you  in  the  army  ?" 

I  should  say  I  was !  I  should  casually  remark  that  I  was 
present.  I  have  no  empty  sleeve  to  show.  I  am  not  mu- 
tilated, not  to  any  alarming  extent.  But  I  can  show  what 
many  with  empty  sleeves  cannot,  and  which  causes  me 
much  sadness,  an  empty  pocket  book.  That  is  the  only 
scar  I  have  got.  It  is  the  only  place  I  am  wounded,  but  it 
is  in  a  vital  part. 

Born  of  poor  but  respectable  parents,  I  inherited  a  martial 


120 

spirit.  "Me  uncle  was  a  constable,  and  even  as  a  cheild,  me 
heart  leaped  forth  to  hear  him  tell,  of  struggles  fierce  and 
wild."  He  was  a  democrat. 

Yes,  inheriting  this  hypochondria,  as  I  did,  was  it  strange 
that  I  was  a  soldier  myself?  When  the  rebels  fired  upon 
Fort  Sumter,  the  fiery  spirit  within  me  was  aroused.  I 
left  my  printing  press  in  the  furrow — I  owed  for  it — I  left 
my  comfortable  home,  with  all  its  enjoyments — it  was  a 
boarding  house — but  for  the  sake  of  argument  it  shall  be 
called  comfortable,  though  the  landlady  had  a  way  of  leaving 
her  false  teeth  around  in  tumblers,  that  I  despised,  and  of 
collecting  her  board  money  by  distress  of  the  guest's  bag- 
gage, which  is  distressing  to  a  sensitive  spirit  like  mine.  I 
say  when  the  rebels  fired  on  Fort  Sumter  1  arose  as  one 
man,  turned  my  face  to  the  foe — and  got  married.  This 
may  seem  a  trifling  circumstance  to  many,  who  have  never 
been  married.  I  know  there  are  veterans  before  me  who 
will  agree  with  me,  that  war,  with  its  wide-spread  desolation, 
is  a  trifling  thing,  compared  to  marriage.  That  is,  the  fel- 
low that  gets  married  the  first  time,  thinks  it  is.  I  had 
never  been  married,  hardly  at  all,  up  to  that  time,  and  prob- 
ably I  might  have  remained  in  a  condition  to  become  an 
interesting  son-in-law  in  some  family,  had  it  not  been  for 
the  firing  on  Fort  Sumpter.  This  shows  what  trifling  things 
will  change  the  whole  course  of  one's  life.  I  heard  the 
sound  of  the  first  shot  at  Surnter,  through  the  newspapers, 
and  I  thought,  there  is  no  knowing  where  this  thing  will  end, 
and  it  is  every  man's  duty  to  throw  around  himself  all  the 
protection  possible  in  times  of  danger.  So  I  got  married. 
And  so  the  war  went  on.  Mr.  Lincoln  called  for  seventy- 
five  thousand  men.  I  should  have  been  the  first  to  go,  from 
my  native  town,  only  I  was  afraid  that  there  would  be  too 
many  answering  to  the  call.  I  didn't  know  how  the  hotel 
accommodations  would  be  around  Washington.  It  was  all  I 
could  do  to  keep  from  going.  All  my  friends  wanted  me 
to  go,  but  my  business  was  such  I  couldn't  leave  it.  Not 
that  I  had  so  much  business,  but  that  was  what  the  rest  of 
the  fellows  said  that  didn't  go.  Why,  if  when  Mr.  Lincoln 
counted  up  the  troops  that  answered  to  his  call,  he  had 
found  that  he  had  lacked  a  troop,  and  only  had  seventy- 
four  thousand  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine,  I  would  have 
buckled  on  my  armor  and  gone  to  Washington,  and  seen 


121 

about  the  war,  but  he  never  said  anything  about  it.  That 
was  where  I  always  blamed  Abe.  Had  he  seemed  as  anx- 
ious about  my  coming  to  Washington,  as  my  landlady  was 
that  I  should  go,  things  might  •  have  been  different,  and  the 
cruel  war  might  have  been  settled  by  the  first  seventy-five 
thousand  men.  I  never  saw  a  person  take  on  as  that  board- 
ing house  keeper  di'd,  when  she  found  that  Wisconsin  had 
filled  her  quota  without  me.  She  was  a  patriotic  woman. 
Her  whole  soul  seemed  to  go  out — she  wanted  me  to 
"  go  out "  too — and  she  also  acted  to  me  as  though 
it  would  be  a  real  comfort  to  her  to  be  bereaved. 
She  said  that  if  I  would  go,  my  board  could  run  right 
along,  just  as  though  I  was  at  home,  and  I  could  have  my 
place  when  I  came  back.  And  speaking  of  patriotic 
women,  right  here,  let  me  say  a  word  for  the  noble  women 
of  the  land,  who  at  the  first  call  for  help  from  the  hospitals, 
in  the  field,  left  their  knitting  work  in  the  furrow,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  erect  currant  jelly,  and  lint  and  bandages  to  tempt 
the  appetites  of  the  wounded  veterans.  It  was  not  the 
fault  of  these  noble  women,  that  in  the  division  of  sanitary 
stores,  the  officers  got  the  jelly,  and  the  soldiers  got  the  lint 
and  bandages.  In  the  hurry  and  bustle  incident  to  war, 
such  mistakes  were  bound  to  be  made.  When  the  box  of 
sanitary  stores  was  opened  in  camp,  and  the  soldier  drew 
forth  a  pair  of  tall  stockings,  run  at  the  heel,  and  gazed  on 
them  with  a  firm  and  steadfast  eye,  it  brought  to  his  mind 
home,  friends  and  kindred,  and  reminded  him  of  some  fa- 
miliar clothes  line  in  the  back  yard  at  home.  He  did  not 
throw  them  away  because  they  were  not  his  kind  of  stock- 
ings, but  put  them  on  proudly,  rolled  them  down  at  the 
elbow,  and  wore  them  in  memory  of  the  kind  donor,  till  he 
wore  the  heels  out,  when  he  pulled  the  legs  up  and  put  on 
another  pair.  Those  were  the  times  that  tried  men's  souls, 
it  they  had  no  stockings  inside  the  box  cars  that  were  issued 
instead  of  shoes.  Soldiers  were  not  proud.  They  did  not 
throw  away  a  pair  of  stockings  just  because  the  feet  were 
worn  out.  I  have  known  a  soldier  to  be  doctored  for 
dropsy  of  the  lower  limbs,  for  a  year,  and  finally,  when  he 
changed  doctors  an  examination  was  had,  and  it  was  shown 
that  it  was  nothing  but  stockings  that  ailed  him.  He  was 
one  of  those  men  that  didn't  want  to  make  trouble 
for  the  laundress.  But  the  war  went  on,  with  varying 
n 


122 

fortunes  for  each  side— principally  the  Union  side.  The 
battle  of  Bull  Run  was  fought.  There  may  be  those  before 
me  who  remember  the  circumstance,  how  our  troops  came 
marching  home  again  with  glad  and  gallant  tread,  just  pre- 
vious to  the  Black  Horse  Cavalry.  There  was  a  good  deal 
of  patriotism  displayed  that  day.  For  years  the  southern- 
ers had  boasted  that  their  horses  were  the  fleetest,  and  that 
the  southern  men  had,  as  it  were,  more  endurance,  on  foot 
than  the  northern  men. 

This  was  the  first   opportunity   northern  men  had  had  to 
hurl  the  lie  back  into  the  teeth  of  the  haughty  southerners, 
and  right  well  did  they  act  their  part.     The  start  from  Bull 
Run  to  Washington  was  very  near  even;  some  said  that  the 
rebel-,  were  a  little  ahead,  but  before  the  quarter  stretch  was 
passed,  the   northern  men  took  the  lead,  and  maintained  it 
with  the  most  singular   unanimity  and  enthusiasm  possible 
to  conceive.    In  some  instances  soldiers  on  foot  were  known 
to  distance   the   lieetest  horses  of  the   rebels.     This  superi- 
ority of  the  human  being  over  the  brute  creation  was  more 
particularly  noticeable  where  Congressmen  were  engaged  in 
the  race,  pitted  against  a  black  horse.    The  reason  the  Con- 
gressmen beat  in  the  race  might   have  been  that  they  were 
anxious  to  get  to  Washington  to  attend  to  some  business  of 
vital   importance  to   the  country.     Anyway,  after  that  day 
there  was   never  any  more  bragging  about  the  soonness  of 
southern    horses  and   men,  as   compared  with  the  northern 
men.     The  record  made  that  day  was  the  best  in  the  world. 
I  don't  suppose  there  was  a  madder  man  north  of  Mason 
and   Dixon's   line   than  I  was,  when  the  news  came  of  the 
defeat  of  our   army  at  Bull  Run.     I  blamed  myself  for  not 
going  into  the  army  at  the  first  call  jf  Mr.  Lincoln,  and  felt 
ashamed   that  I  had  waited   for  a  special  invitation.     I  felt 
as  though  it  wanted  some   good  man  there  to  set  the  boys 
an   example   of  firmness,  and   beat  back   the   invader,  but 
that  modesty  that  has  always   kept  me  back,  did  so   in  this 
instance,  and  so  the  first  great  battle  of  the  rebellion  was  lost 
to  the  Union  forces.     I  took   it  very   nuch  to  heart,  and 
worried  so  over  it  that  I  got  sick,  so  that  when  Mr.  Lincoln 
called  for  three  hundred  thousand  more  men,  my  physician 
positively  forbade  my  going  into   the  army,  on  the  ground 
that  the  excitement  incident  to  battle  would  carry  me  away. 
He  said  that  my  excitable   nature   would  make  me  trouble 


123 

and  that  probably  the  first  time  I  saw  a  rebel  regiment  I 
would  want  to  rush  right  in  and  capture  the  whole  body  of 
men.  I  was  my  own  physician  at  that  time,  and  was  doc- 
toring myself  by  the  homeopathic  school  of  practice,  and  I 
doubted  my  ability  to  stand  an  allopathic  dose  of  carnage. 
I  chafed  to  go  into  the  army,  but  restrained  my  naturally 
patriotic  impulse,  on  account  of  my  health.  A  great  many 
did  that  year.  Finally'  Mr.  Lincoln  became  cognizant  of 
the  delicacy  men  had  of  accepting  general  invitations  to 
his  tea  party,  so  he  adopted  a  system  of  special  invitations. 
This  was  called  drafting.  Quite  a  number  of  Wisconsin 
people  received  these  invitations — though  nearly  all  of  them 
sent  in  their  regrets.  Mr.  Lincoln  arranged  it  so  that  those 
who  received  invitations  to  go  to  Washington,  and  who  had 
previous  engagements,  could  send  him  regrets,  to  the  extent 
of  $300.  Many  did  so.  In  fact  all  who  could  borrow  the 
money,  or  get  spavined  some  way,  concluded  that  there 
would  be  enough  without  them,  anyway,  so  they  restrained 
their  patriotic  impulses,  and  let  the  old  man  run  his  own 


war. 


Ll  • 

How  it  occurred,  I  don't  know,  but  my  name  was  on  one 
of  the  lists  to  be  drafted  from,  and  I  had  a  suspicion  that 
I  should  draw  a  prize.  I  was  always  lucky  in  that  way. 
The  matter  weighed  upon  my  mind  until  I  determined  to 
throw  up  my  business,  and  rush  to  the  defence  of  my  fire- 
side. With  that  view  I  went  to  Madison,  resolved  to  accept 
some  position  where  my  peculiar  style  of  warfare  could  be 
turned  to  the  most  account  towards  the  salvation  of  our  glo- 
rious republic.  Armed  with  a  letter  from  a  county  politi- 
cian who  had  alyays  been  my  friend,  about  election  time, 
addressed  to  Lucius  Fairchild,  Secretary  of  State,  I  entered 
the  presence  of  that  great  man.  I  remembered  a  piece  that 
I  used  to  speak  in  school,  in  which  there  was  some  instruc- 
tion as  to  how  to  act  when  "  the  blast  of  war  blows  in  one's 
ear."  It  was  this: 

"  Then  imitate  the  action  of  the  tiger,  stiffen  the  sinews, 
summon  up  the  blood,  disguise  fair  nature  with  hard  favored 
rage.  Then  lend  the  eye  a  terrible  aspect ;  let  it  pry  through 
the  portage  of  the  head  like  the  brass  cannon,"  et  cetera. 

Well,  1  got  myself  up  in  that  shape  as  nearly  as  possible, 
and  confronted  "  Lush."  Fairchild.  He  had  been  in  the 
arn.y,  had  been  through  battles  innumerable,  and  had  lost 


124 

an  arm,  but  when  he  saw  me  come  in  and  stand  there  in  all 
my  refulgent  beauty,  my  prophetic  soul  seeming  to  boil  over 
with  fiery,  untamed  wrath,  and  righteous  indignation,  at  the 
men  who  had  trampled  on  our  flag,  I  thought  "Lush." 
seemed  to  weaken.  Speaking  of  courage,  he  couldn't  help 
seeing  at  a  glance  that  I  had  it  in  its  most  violent  form.  As 
soon  as  he  could  recover  himself  sufficiently  to  speak,  he 
asked  what  he  could  do  for  me.  Then  I  told  him  how  I 
had  suffered  for  two  years,  had  endured  untold  agony, 
thinking  of  the  way  the  rebels  were  conducting  themselves, 
yet  that  I  had  never  been  situated  exactly  so  that  I  could 
leave  home,  but  that  now  I  was  ready  to  wade  in  blood.  I 
told  him  that  I  thirsted  for  human  gore,  and  wanted  to  lay 
down  my  life  on  the  altar  of  my  country.  I  told  him  I  was 
a  bold,  bad  man,  told  him  that  my  friends  wanted  me  to 
have  a  commission,  and  be  in  a  position  where  I  could  lead 
men  to  glory  01  the  grave.  Lucius  looked  me  over.  He 
glanced  at  my  tiger-like  actions.  He  gazed  at  the  portals 
of  my  head,  where  my  eyes  wero  prying  through,  like  the 
brass  cannon,  previously  spoken  of.  His  eye  took  in  my 
blood,  that  I  had  summoned  up.  He  dwelt  upon  my  stiff- 
ened sinews,  and  asked  what  position  I  would  have.  I  de- 
liberated long  upon  the  matter,  and  finally  told  him  if  it 
didn't  make  any  difference  to  him,  I  would  like  the  appoint- 
ment of  sutler.  At  this  decision  on  my  part,  as  to  what  po- 
sition I  coveted,  I  could  not  see  that  Mr.  Fairchild  was 
much  impressed,  though  his  lips  quivered,  and  he  seemed 
to  take  in  the  situation.  He  deliberated  a  moment,  and 
spake.  I  shall  never  forget  the  burning  pathos  that  he 
threw  into  the  next  few  words.  He  seemed  wrought  up  to 
a  pitch  where  he  felt  that  he  must  do  something  for  his 
bleeding  country.  He  arose  up  unanimously,  and  placing 
his  remaining  hand  upon  my  shoulder,  and  looking  me 
calmly  in  the  eye,  said  : 

"Young  man,  you  go  right  up  to  Camp  Randall  and  en- 
list. Tell  them  that  I  sent  you." 

My  friends,  I  went  out  of  that  room  in  the  great  Capitol 
of  the  State  harrassed  by  conflicting  emotions.  I  went  out 
and  leaned  against  one  of  the  iron  pillars,  and  vowed  before 
high  heaven  that  I  would  never  let  up  on  the  rebels  till 
every  mother's  son  of  them  had  laid  down  their  arms. 
Resolving  to  sell  my  life  as  dearly  as  possible,  I  looked 


125 

around  and  found  which  town  was  paying  the  highest 
bounty,  and  enrolled  myself  as  a  soldier  in  the  Union  Army. 

It  will  be  remembered  by  all  that  from  December,  1863, 
forward,  our  armies  were  victorious. 

That  was  about  the  time  I  enlisted.  The  first  thing  I 
did  after  joining  my  regiment  was  to  make  the  acquaintance 
of  the  chaplain.  My  friend  had  thoroughly  convinced  me 
that  the  army  was  demoralizing  in  its  influence  upon  human 
hot  house  plants  like  me,  and  they  wanted  me  to  throw 
around  myself  the  best  influences  possible.  So  on  my  arrival 
on  the  tented  field,  I  took  checks  for  my  baggage,  and 
visited  the  chaplain's  quarters,  to  make  the  acquaintance  of 
the  good  man.  He  was  a  young  man  of  about  thirty  sum- 
mers, or  somewheres  along  there,  and  received  me  as  though 
I  was  a  young  couple  that  wanted  to  get  married.  Me 
asked  me  after  the  state  of  my  mind.  I  told  him  my  mind 
was  as  well  as  could  be  expected  under  the  circumstances, 
but  that  I  had  a  superstition,  or  a  premonition,  chat  1  should 
fall  in  the  first  engagement,  pierced  by  rebel  artillery.  I 
said  more,  I  never  "shall  see  my  own  my  native  land.  Take  a 
message  and  a  token  to  some  distant  friends  of  mine,  for 
I  was  born  at  Henderson,  Jefferson  County,  State  of  New 
York."  The  chaplain  was  touched.  He  leaned  upon  his  sword 
and  wiped  away  a  tear,  and  told  me  to  brace  up  and  have  some 
style  about  me.  He  spoke  comforting  words  to  me.  The  most 
comforting  words  he  spoke,  and  words  that  burned  deeply  into 
my  soul  were  these:  "George,  let  us  irrigate."  I  told  him  that 
his  language  was  new  to  me,  that  I  had  not  been  a  veteran  but 
ten  days,  and  begged  him  to  be  more  explicit.  He  opened 
his  heart  and  his  secretary,  which  was  made  of  a  hard  tack 
box  set  upon  the  end,  and  drew  forth  a  document,  with  a 
large  seal  on  the  neck.  From  his  pocket  he  drew  forth  a 
luning  fork  and  a  cork  screw.  With  the  tuning  fork  he 
broke  the  seal  and  wire  from  over  the  cork  of  the  document, 
and  with  the  cork  screw  he  opened  it  and  bade  me  peruse 
the  contents.  I  did  as  directed.  I  was  completely  in  his 
power  from  the  opening  of  the  bottle.  This  was  the  first 
active  service  that  I  had  performed.  I  drank.  If  the 
words  that  he  spoke  burned  deeply  into  my  soul,  the  medi- 
cine that  he  prescribed  burned  more  deeply  into  my  upper 
leather.  The  liquor  was  what  is  called  "Louisiana  Rum," 
or  creole  search  warrant,  and  if  there  was  a  soldier  present 


126 

here  that  ever  drank  any  of  it,  I  could  prove  that  it  was  a 
burning  shame,  but  as  only  two  persons  ever  survived  drink- 
ing it,  the  chaplain  and  myself,  I  have  nothing  but  my 
word,  unsupported,  to  convince  you  of  the  strength  of  this 
device  of  the  enemy.  "I  had  been  tenderly  reared  and  drank 
out  of  the  bottle,  but  before  the  first  swallow  had  taken  up 
its  line  of  march  towards  my  stomach,  I  was  sorry  I  had 
enlisted.  Aquafortis  and  nitro  glycerine  would  have  been 
as  milk  and  honey  compared  with  that  draught.  As  soon 
as  I  could  get  breath,  I  told  the  chaplain  to  write  to  my 
friend,  that  I  died  with  my  face  to  the  foe.  I  was  unsophis- 
ticated then,  but  before  the  liquor  had  got  half  way  down 
me  I  was  so  phisticated  that  I  could  see  two  chaplain's. 
That  liquor  would  melt  the  hardest  heart,  and  was 
no  more  like  Wisconsin  Benzine  than  Sherman's  march 
to  the  sea  was  like  a  Sunday  school  picnic '  procession. 
Molten  lead  would  have  been  cooling. 

The  chaplain  looked  on,  coolly,  until  I  had  recovered  suf- 
ficiently to  converse,  when  he  said  that  I  was  the  man  he 
had  been  looking  tor.  He  had  tried  me  in  the  crucible, 
and  found  that  I  could  stand  fire,  and  now  he  would  have 
me  detailed  as  his  orderly.  He  said  in  that  position  I  need 
have  no  fear  of  rebel  bullets,  all  he  required  in  an  orderly 
was  cheek.  In  that  position  I  seemed  to  lose  all  fear  of 
death.  Always  in  the  advance,  while  on  the  march,  with 
the  Sutler's  wagon  and  the  ambulance,  I  took  my  life  in  my 
hand,  but  seemed  to  possess  a  charmed  one.  I  shall  never 
regret  the  day  when  I  made  the  acquaintance  of  the  chap- 
lain, and  established  such  amicable  relations  with  him. 
The  last  I  heard  of  him  he  was  a  bright  and  shining  orna- 
menc  on  the  marble  top  of  the  freedmen's  bureau,  and  I 
have  never  wondered  at  the  bursting  ot  the  Freedman's  Sav- 
ings Bank,  since  I  knew  he  was  one  of  the  officers. 

But  all  chaplains  were  not  like  the  one  I  have  mentioned. 
Some  of  them  were  brave,  and  noble  men,  who  entered 
the  service  for  the  good  they  might  do,  never  thinking 
of  the  salary.  As  a  general  thing,  however,  a  chaplain 
was  about  as  useless  a  piece  of  furniture  to  a  regiment 
as  a  seven  octave  sewing  machine  would  be  to  the  naked 
native  of  the  Fejee  Islands.  At  the  bedside  of  a  dying 
soldier  they  were  sometimes  handy,  but  it  was  always  our 
luck,  when  a  soldier  was  about  to  pass  beyond  the  river, 


127 

to  have  the  chaplain  away  attending  a  nigger  prayer 
meeting,  or  away  looking  after  the  spiritual  welfare  of  some 
planter's  chickens,  and  some  rough  soldier  had  to  stand  by 
and  tell  the  poor  dying  boy  of  the  beautiful  world  beyond 
where  the  troops  would  all  be  mustered  out,  and  there  never 
would  be  war  any  more.  There  was  one  thing,  however, 
noticeable  in  our  regiment,  and  that  was  that  when  a  soldier 
died,  in  the  absence  of  the  chaplain,  the  soldier's  friends 
always  succeeded  in  getting  the  -joldier's  watch  and  money. 
It  may  have  happened  so,  but  it  was  noticeable.  In  time  I 
found  that  the  position  of  chaplain's  orderly  was  not  of  that 
sanguinary  nature  that  I  coveted,  and  did  not  give  me  that 
Bccpe  which  I  desired,  to  make  a  name  to  hand  down  to 
posterity.  It  was  a  safe  place.  If  there  should  be  another 
war,  and  any  young  man  about  to  enlist  should  ask  me 
which  was  the  safest  place,  I  should  not  hesitate  to  rec- 
ommend the  position  of  chaplain's  orderly,  except  that  it 
would  have  a  tendency  to  injure  the  reputation  of  the  young 
man.  But  it  was  too  quiet  for  me,  and  one  day,  when  a  lot 
of  our  soldiers  had  been  out  on  a  scout,  and  came  to  camp 
wounded  and  bleeding,  and  with  their  haversacks  filled 
with  green  corn  and  sweet  potatoes,  I  rebelled.  The  sight 
of  blood,  and  the  smell  of  the  boiled  corn  and  fried  sweet 
potatoes  made  me  envious  of  the  glory  my  companions  were 
achieving,  while  I  was  frittering  away  the  best  years  of  my 
life  as  assistant  chaplain.  So  I  told  the  Colonel  of  my 
regiment  that  he  must  have  noticed  by  this  time  that  I  was 
better  fitted  for  active  service,  than  for  camp  life,  and  that 
he  should  promote  me.  I  said  that  when  the  cruel  war 
was  over  I  expected  to  publish  *.  country  newspaper,  and  if 
he  would  use  his  influence  to  place  me  in  a  position  where 
I  could  show  the  mettle  within  me,  I  should  feel  it  my 
duty  to  support  him  for  member  of  Congress,  or  Alderman, 
or  something,  when  we  were  again  settled  in  civil  life.  The 
Colonel  was  touched.  I  seemed  to  touch  everybody.  He 
said  he  had  always  had  a  desire  to  serve  his  country  in  the 
halls  of  legislation,  and  that  he  had  noticed  my  innate 
bravery  in  the  many  trying  situations  in.  which  I  had  pur- 
posely been  placed,  and  had  intended  to  reward  me  with 
promotion.  He  said  I  could  already  consider  the  laurel 
wreath  on  my  brow,  and  the  yellow  stripes  on  my  arm,  for 
on  the  morrow  he  should  proclaim  me  Commissary  Sergeant 

\ 


128 

of  Co.  L.  Well  do  I  remember  the  commotion  that  was 
created  in  the  department  of  the  gulf,  when  the  appointment 
was  made.  We  were  lying  at  Baton  Rouge,  La.  Before  an 
hour  the  wires  flashed  the  news  from  Vickshurg  to  New 
Orleans,  and  from  Mobile  to  Morganza's  Bend.  A  banquet 
was  given  in  my  honor,  by  the  corporals  of  the  company  to 
which  the  beauty  and  chivalry  of  the  southern  capitol  city 
were  invited,  speeches  were  made  and  dancing  was  indulged 
in.  The  women  who  sold  biscuit  in  camp  for  fourteen 
cents,  and  grape  shot  pies  with  the  crust  sewed  on,  were 
present,  as  well  as  the  females  who  did  the  washing  of  shirts 
for  the  company,  and  the  scene  was  one  of  such  magnifi- 
cence that  no  description  could  do  it  justice. 

I  allowed  my  moustache  to  grow  in  order  to  look  fierce, 
and  entered  upon  my  duties  with  high  hopes  of  early  dis- 
tinction. It  was  my  duty  to  issue  rations  to  the  company. 
It  was  also  my  duty  to  steal  the  rations.  My  services  with 
the  chaplain  had  eminently  qualified  me  for  the  position. 
In  the  whole  history  of  the  war  there  is  not  on  record  an 
instance  where  a  commissary  sergeant  threw  more  soul  into 
the  issuing  of  hard  tack  and  corned  mule,  than  in  the  case 
of  the  undersigned.  Within  three  short  weeks  I  was  accused 
of  stealing  soap  and  candles  and  selling  them  to  the  negroes, 
and  the  charge  was  so  susceptible  of  proof  that  I  was  on 
the  brink  of  being  appointed  a  quartermaster,  but  the  good 
angel  that  always  watched  over  me,  kept  me  from  such  a 
fate.  My  desire  to  hew  down  rebels  and  revel  in  gore  was 
in  part  appeased  by  being  compelled  to  cut  up  beef  for  issu- 
ing to  my  command,  but  even  that  did  not  satiate  my 
appetite  for  the  field  of  carnage,  and  I  pined  away.  The 
Colonel  saw  that  I  was  not  happy,  and  one  day  I  told  him 
that  when  I  got  out  of  the  arrny  I  should  propose  him  for  a 
candidate  for  President  of  the  United  States.  He  fell  upon 
my  neck  and  wept,  and  told  me  that  he  had  recommended 
me  for  the  position  of  Second  Lieutenant. 

The  arrival  of  that  commission  was  a  turning  point  in  the 
war.  If  the  announcement  of  my  promotion  to  Sergeant 
created  an  excitement  in  the  Department  of  the  Gulf,  what 
shall  be  said  of  the  joy  that  was  created  throughout  the 
North,  and  the  consternation  thai  prevailed  in  the  Southern 
army,  when  it  was  known  that  shoulder  straps  had  been  con- 
feired  on  me  for  gallantry  on  the  field,  in  issuing  corned  mule 


129 

to  my  command.  Letters  poured  in  from  the  North  con- 
gratulating me  on  my  success,  and  imploring  me  to  pay  the 
balance  I  owed  the  writers.  Very  soon  after  I  was  com- 
missioned we  began  to  hear  of  rebels  surrendering.  ' 

We  were  at  Morganzia,  I  .a.,  just  starting  on  a  raid,  and  I 
was  placed  in  command  of  thirty  veteran  soldiers,  put  on 
the  advance  guard,  and  instructed  that  if  I  run  on  to  a  rebel 
picket  post  to  simply  feel  of  the  enemy  and  report.  It  is  fearful 
to  go  into  battle  the  first  time,  to  feel  that  you  may  in  a  moment 
be  made  useless  for  future  reference.  We  started  out 
and  I  was  in  a  sweat.  Here  was  I,  a  raw  recruit,  never 
having  exchanged  courtesies  with  the  enemy,  in  fact  never 
having  been  introduced  to  any  of  them,  in  charge  of  a  lot 
of  veterans  who  had  been  there  before  and  thirsted  for  a 
charge.  I  must  admit  that  I  was  not  as  anxious  for  blood  as 
I  had  been.  I  was  looking  for  something  that  I  was  afraid 
I  should  find.  The  command  was  mounted  on  veteran 
horses  that  had  been  chasing  rebels  for  three  years,  and 
liked  no  better  fun,  and  they  entered  into  the  spirit  of  it 
equal  to  the  men.  In  selecting  a  horse  for  active  service,  I 
had  picked  out  a  blonde  mule,  one  that  had  a  gentle 
soprano  voice,  that  blended  with  mine  in  the  most  beauti- 
ful manner.  This  mule  was  sir-named  Samantha,  and  those 
who  were  best  acquainted  with  Samantha,  liked  her  best. 
This  mule  seemed  to  have  reason,  and  could  almost  con- 
verse, but  I  had  my  doubts  about  Samantha's  speed,  and 
that  is  one  reason  I  selected  her.  I  didn't  believe  in  doing 
things  too  fast,  and  I  was  afraid  the  horses  and  men  would 
be  too  impetuous  and  rash,  if  they  saw  the  enemy.  Day- 
light was  just  approaching  and  we  were  riding  along  one  of 
those  southern  roads  as  level  as  a  floor.  The  balance  of  the 
command  was  a  short  distance  behind  us.  not  half  as  anx- 
ious as  I  was.  Just  at  the  break  of  day  we  looked  about 
twenty  rods  ahead,  and  there  were  about  twenty  rebel  sol- 
diers, mounted  ready  for  business.  I  remembered  my  h. 
structions,  to  feel  the  enemy,  but  I  thought  I  could  feel 
th°.m  as  well  twenty  rods  off  as  nearer.  I  could  always 
reach  a  good  distance.  There  was  a.  big  veteran  corpora] 
riding  near  me,  and  I  said  to  him  "Jack,  how  is  the  best  way 
to  feel  of  the  enemy,  when  you  have  an  enemy  to  feel  of." 
jack,  I  thought,  had  his  doubts  about  me,  and  my  bravery. 
He  looked  up  as  unconcerned  as  possiHle.  and  said  "charge 


130 

'em !  to  be  sure !"  At  that  remark  each  particular  hair  on 
my  head  stood  on  end  like  quills  upon  the  fretful  porcupine. 
If  I  had  been  sure  that  the  rebels  would  move  on  when  we 
charged'  them,  I  would  have  felt  different,  but  I  didn't  know 
but  they  would  stay  there.  How  did  I  know  but  they  would 
shoot.  I  was  brave  enough,  I  always  was  brave.  But 
standing  there  wouldn't  help  matters  any,  so  I  got  ready  for 
business.  I  rose  in  my  stirrups,  patted  Samantha  on  the 
left  ear  and  told  her  not  to  get  agitated,  and  rush  headlong 
into  the  thickest  of  the  fray.  I  told  her  that  she  must  re- 
member her  position  in  society.  That  she  was  an  officer's 
horse,  and  must  remember  and  maintain  the  dignity  of  her 
station.  I  told  her  that  in  battle  an  officer's  place  was  in 
rear  of  his  command.  I  was  so  agitated  that  I  forgot  all 
the  commands  I  ever  knew,  and  all  I  could  say  was,  "wrap 
the  flag  around  me  boys,  mother  I've  come  home  to  die." 
This  did  not  have  the  desired  effect.  When  one  of  the  rebels 
took  deliberate  aim  and  fired  at  us,  I  dodged  down  behind 
Samantha's  ears  and  said,  in  a  loud  voice,  "The  combat 
deepens,  on  ye  brave !"  There  was  a  sound  of  horses'  hoofs, 
a  yell,  and  away  the  brave  went.  A  solitary  horseman 
might  have  been  seen  in  the  rear,  with  the  bridle  reins 
wound  around  his  hands,  trying  to  hold  a  blonde  mule. 
That  was  me,  persuading  Samantha  that  it  was  not  neces- 
sary to  be  in  such  a  confounded  hurry.  We  had  all  day  be- 
fore us,  and  there  was  no  necessity  of  getting  excited.  My 
whole  soul  was  thrown  into  the  one  effort  to  hold  that  mule, 
but  there  seemed  to  be  a  sort  of  special  Providence  in  Sa- 
mantha's being  hard  bitted.  All  of  the  natural  contrariness 
of  the  mule  here  showed  itself.  She  seemed  to  act  as 
though  possessed  ol  a  spirit  of  evil,  and  she  just  pulled  on 
that  bridle  on  one  end  while  I  pulled  on  the  other.  Every 
jump  she  made  we  were  nearing  the  enemy,  and  if  I  had 
had  writing  materials  handy  I  would  at  once  have  tendered 
my  resignation.  The  track  was  getting  too  fresh,  as  it 
were.  Resolving  to  stop  that  mule,  or  perish  in  the  attempt 
I  threw  all  my  strength  into  one  effort  and  pulled.  Great 
Heavens!  What  was  that  crash?  The  bridle  rein  had 
broken,  and  Samantha  was  mistress  of  the  situation,  and  the 
way  she  clawed  dust  was  a  caution.  She  couldn't  have  split 
the  air  wide  open  any  more  if  a  bundle  of  straw,  saturated 
with  kerosene  had  been  fastened  to  her.  In  two  minutes 


181 

Samantha  and  me  caught  up  with  the  veterans,  had  passed 
them,  and  were  overtaking  the  southern  confederacy.  I 
shut  my  eyes,  said  "Now  I  lay  me,"  and  let  Samantha  went. 
There  was  about  three  inches  of  nice  mud  on  the  ground, 
and  every  horse  seemed  to  have  taken  a  contract  to  throw 
as  much  as  possible  on  me.  Talk  about  Sheridan's  ride — it 
was  a  rocking  horse  excursion  in  a  parlor,  compared  to 
mine.  The  rebels  fired  over  their  shoulders  at  us,  just  as 
careless  as  though  they  didn't  care  if  they  did  hit  some  of  us. 
My  men  fired  through  between  their  horses  ears  at  them. 
I  never  was  so  scared  since  I  was  married,  as  I  was  that 
morning.  \Ye  followed  those  devils  about  five  miles,  and 
never  caught  a  rebel.  But  when  we  stopped  we  found  that 
the  whole  southern  army  had  come  out  of  the  woods  and 
got  in  our  rear,  between  us  and  our  command,  and  wouldn't 
let  us  go  back.  I  pawed  the  mud  out  of  my  eyes  and 
looked  back,  and  thought  I  could  see  Robert  E.  Lee,  Gen- 
eral Beauregard,  Albert  Sydney  Johnson,  and  all  the  rebel 
generals,  in  command  of  divisions  and  army  corps,  holding 
a  council  of  war  as  to  the  safest  method  to  adopt  to  cap- 
ture my  handful  of  men.  I  wished  then,  that  I  had  been 
contented  to  remain  in  the  position  of  chaplain's  orderly. 
Well,  to  give  the  whole  history  of  the  war  in  a  short  space, 
we  took  to  the  woods,  and  they  followed  us,  and  we  bush- 
whacked around  nearly  all  day,  swam  streams,  waded 
swamps,  and  finally  reached  our  command  about  five  o'clock 
in  the  afternoon.  1  did  not  stop  to  make  my  toilet,  but 
rode  up  to  the  commanding  officer  to  report.  My  hat  was 
gone,  my  face  was  scratched  with  briars  and  poisoned,  and 
swelled  up  as  big  as  a  bushel  basket,  my  new  coat  was  torn 
^o  rags,  and  Samantha  had  fallen  down  in  a  swamp  and 
rolled  over  me,  and  I  was  covered  with  mud  and  glory  from 
head  to  foot,  wounded  and  bleeding  from  loss  of  pluck.  I 
saluted  the  officer,  and  he  asked  me  where  in  Chicago  I  had 
been  all  summer.  I  told  him  I  had  been  feeling  the  enemy. 
He  was  one  of  those  mild,  Christian  gentlemen,  who  never 
go  off  when  they  are  not  loaded  He  looked  at  me,  ani.' 
said  :  "My  young  Christian  friend,  let  me  tell  you  what  you 
have  done.  You  have  cut  a  dog  in  two,  and  cut  it  biased. 
You  look  as  though  the  enemy  had  been  feeling  of  you."  I 
told  him  if  he  had  any  more  enemies  to  feel  of,  I  should  con- 
sider it  an  especial  favor  if  he  would  allow  me  to  hire  a  man 


132 

to  feel  of  them  in  my  place.  After  noticing  the  effect  of  my 
report  on  the  commanding  officer,  I  dismounted  and  took  a 
piece  of  fence  rail  and  proceeded  to  maul  Samantha.  At 
that  time  I  did  not  realize  all  that  she  had  done  for  her  suf- 
fering country.  I-  felt  that  she  had  trifled  with  my  feelings, 
and  been  guilty  of  conduct  unbecoming  an  officer  and  a 
gentleman.  She  had  disobeyed  the  command  of  her  supe- 
rior officer,  and  the  only  thing  I  could  do  was  to  maul  her 
with  a  rail.  But  she,  poor,  patient  thing,  stood  and  took  it 
with  the  same  grace  that  a  politician  would  a  post  office, 
and  made  no  sign. 

If  the  simple  announcement  of  my  having  been  commis- 
sioned created  such  joy  at  the  North,  and  such  consterna- 
tion at  the  South,  what  shall  be  said  of  the  sensation  it  cre- 
ated, throughout  Christendom,  when  the  news  of  that  raid 
of  mine  was  known  throughout  the  world.  Within  a  week 
the  rebel  army  before  Richmond  became  demoralized,  and 
General  Lee  was  compelled  to  surrender.  It  seems  that  it 
wasn't  Lee  that  I  saw  there.  Within  two  weeks  there  was 
not  a  rebel  under  arms  east  of  the  Mississippi  river,  and 
Kirby  Smith,  with  a  small  command,  was  in  Texas,  in  con- 
stant telegraphic  communication  with  rebel  sympathizers  in 
Louisiana,  who  kept  him  posted  as  to  my  movements,  until 
finally  he  received  news  that  my  command,  with  Samantha, 
was  about  to  go  through  Texas,  when  he  made  forced 
marches  to  the  Rio  Grande,  crossed  to  Mexico,  under 
cover  of  night,  and  disappeared  in  the  land  of  the  Monte- 
zumas,  probably  the  scaritest  man  that  ever  lived.  Thus  by 
one  little  bold  stroke,  by  a  few  men,  under  the  command  of 
a  leader  whose  whole  soul  was  up  in  arms,  and  who  dared 
to  brave  death  in  its  most  horrid  form,  was  the  back  bone  o£ 
the  rebellion  broken,  and  America  was  free.  The  fate  of  the 
country  hung  by  a  single  thread,  as  it  were,  or  a  piece  of 
leather.  Suppose  my  bridle  had  not  broken,  and  I  had 
held  Samantha  back,  that  terrible  charge  on  that  terrible 
morning  would  have  lost  its  force,  the  rebels  would  have 
been  emboldened,  and  the  war_ might  have  been  going  un- 
til this  time.  It  is  dreadful  to  think  of.  Is  it  strange,  then, 
that  I  should  have  a  deep  feeling  of  love  and  admiration 
for  the  soldiers  of  the  late  war.  That  I  should  desire  to 
press  them  to  my  aching  bosom,  whenever  I  meet  them? 
But  there  are  instances  where  my  affection,  for  the  soldiers 


133 

is  unrequited.  I  will  relate  one,  that  you  may  weep  with  me. 
A  few  weeks  since,  the  lady  who  shares  with  me  the  glory 
of  my  military  record,  and  prepares  my  frugal  hash,  re- 
marked that  we  were  about  out  of  wood.  1  hastened  to 
the  wood  market,  and  looked  over  the  loads  of  granger 
wood,  when  my  eye  fell  upon  one  granger  dressed  in  a  blue 
army  overcoat,  soiled  to  an  eminent  degree.  He  leaned 
pensively  against  a  hitching  post,  meditating,  and  ever  and 
anon  a  wild  light  would  appear  in  his  eye,  as  though  he 
were  fighting  his  battles  over  again,  and  he  would  seize  a 
stick  of  cord  wood  and  belt  one  of  his  mules  over  ihe  head. 
I  knew  by  that  action  that  he  had  been  a  soldier,  and  my 
heart  melted  to.ward  him.  Soldiers  had  few  enjoyments  and 
no  person  who  has  never  been  a  soldier  can  appreciate  the 
felicity  there  is  in  mauling  a  mule,  i  had  felt  that  way  my- 
self, at  times,  before  Samantha  converted  me.  I  looked  at 
the  soldier  and  said.  "It  is  to  such  as  these  that  the  nation 
owes  its  life.  He  may  have  saved  the  day  at  Gettysburg, 
or  Chancellorsville.  It  is  our  duty  to  patronize  the  saviors  of 
our  country."  I  thought  it  was  better  to  pay  a  soldier  a  dol- 
lar too  much  for  a  load  of  water  elm  wood,  than  to  dwell  in  the 
tents  of  the  wicked,  so  I  bought  his  wood.  As  he  moved  up 
street  I  admired  him.  Such  a  haughty  bearing  could  never 
have  been  acquired,  outside  the  army.  As  he  drove  along 
toward  my  cot  I  imagined  that  he  was  a  division  com- 
mander, that  me  and  the  mules  were  brigade  commanders, 
the  load  of  wood  the  soldiers,  and  that  we  were  going  forth 
to  do  battle.  However,  in  time  the  wood  was  unloaded. 
I  bought  it  on  time,  and  I  said  to  him,  "Comrade,  in  what 
department  did  you  serve  your  country  in  the  late  unholy 
rebellion?  Tell  me  of  some  of  your  hair-breadth  escapes, 
and  let  us  commune  together."  That  soldier  got  up  on  the 
hind  end  of  his  wagon,  changed  a  chew  of  plug  tobacco  to 
the  other  side  of  his  mouth  and  said,  "Rebellion,  not  much; 
I  went  to  Canada  during  the  war  to  visit  my  neighbor-in-law. 
I  traded  a  canteen  of  whisky  to  a  crippled  soldier  for  this 
overcoat.  Not  any  carnage  in  mine."  And  tickling  his  off 
mule  on  the  left  ear,  he  shouted,  "get  up,  Elizabeth,"  and  he 
was  gone. 

"A  comrade  bent  to  lift  him."  I  felt  just  as  though  it 
would  be  a  pleasure  to  lift  him  once  or  twice.  But  he  had 
vanished  like  dew  before  THE  SUN. 


134 
A   PLEA    FOB    THE    BULL  HEAD. 


The  late  meeting  of  the  State  Fish  Commissioners  at  Mil- 
waukee was  an  Important  event,  and  the  discussions  the 
wise  men  indulged  in  will  be  valuable  additions  to  the  litera- 
ture of  the  country,  and  future  readers  of  profane  history 
will  rise  up  and  call  them  blessed.  It  seems  that  the  ac- 
tion of  the  Milwaukee  common  council  in  withdrawing  the 
use  of  the  Water  Works  from  the  commissioners,  will  put  a 
stop  to  the  hatching  of  whitefish.  This  is  as  it  should  be. 
The  whitefish  is  an  aristocratic  bird,  that  will  not  bite  a 
hook,  and  the  propagation  of  this  species  of  fish  is  wholly 
in  the  interest  of  wealthy  owners  of  fishing  tugs,  who  have 
nets.  By  strict  attention  to  business  they  can  catch  all  the 
whitefish  out  of  the  lake,  a  little  faster  than  the  State  ma- 
chine can  put  them  in.  Poor  people  cannot  get  a  smell  of 
whitefish.  The  same  may  be  snid  of  brook  trout.  While 
they  will  bite  a  hook,  it  requires  more  machinery  to  catch 
them  than  ordinary  people  can  possess  without  mortgaging 
a  house.  A  man  has  got  to  have  a  morocco  book  of  ex- 
pensive flics,  a  fifteen  dollar  bamboo  jointed  rod,  a  three 
dollar  trout  basket  with  a  hole  morticed  in  the  top,  a  cor- 
duroy suit  made  in  the  latest  style,  top  boots,  of  the  Wel- 
lington pattern,  with  red  tassels  in  the  straps,  and  a  flask  of 
Otard  brandy  in  a  side  pocket.  Unless  a  man  is  got  up  in 
that  style,  a  speckled  trout  will  see  him  in  Chicago,  first, 
and  then  it  won't  bite.  The  brook  trout  is  even  more  aris- 
tocratic than  the  whitefish,  and  should  not  be  propagated 
at  public  expense. 

But  there  are  fish  that  should  be  propagated,  in  the  inter- 
est of  the  people.  There  is  a  species  of  fish  that  never 
looks  at  the  clothes  of  the  man  who  throws  in  the  bait,  a 
fish  that  takes  whatever  is  thrown  to  it,  and  when  once  hold 
of  the  hook  never  tries  to  shake  a  friend,  but  submits  to  the 
inevitable,  crosses  its  legs  and  says  "  Now  I  Jay  me,"  ami 
comes  out  on  the  bank  and  seems  to  enjoy  being  taken.  It 
is  a  fish  that  is  the  friend  of  the  poor,  and  one  that  will 
sacrifice  itself  in  the  interest  of  humanity.  That  is  the  fish 
that  the  State  should  adopt  as  its  trade  mark,  and  cultivate 
friendly  relations  with,  and  stand  by.  We  allude  to  the 
bullhead. 

The  bullhead  never  went  back  on  a  friend.     To  catch 


135 

the  bullhead  it  is  not  necessary  to  tempt  his  appetite  with 
porter  house  steak,  or  to  display  an  expensive  lot  of  fishing 
tackle.  A  pin  hook,  a  piece  of  liver,  and  a  cistern  pole,  is 
all  the  capital  required  to  catch  a  bullhead.  He  lays  upon 
the  bottom  of  a  stream  or  pond,  in  the  mud,  thinking. 
There  is  no  fish  that  does  more  thinking,  or  has  a  better  head 
for  grasping  great  questions,  or  chunks  of  liver,  than  the  bull- 
head. His  brain  is  large,  his  heart  beats  for  humanity,  and 
if  he  can't  get  liver,  a  piece  of  a  tin  tomato  can  will  make 
a  meal  for  him.  It  is  an  interesting  study  to  watch  a  boy 
catch  a  bullhead.  The  boy  knows  where  the  bullhead  con- 
gregates, and  when  he  throws  in  his  hook  it  is  dollars  to  but- 
tons that  "  in  the  near  future  "  he  will  get  a  bite.  The  bull- 
head is  democratic  in  all  its  instincts.  If  the  boy's  shirt  is 
sleeveless,  his  hat  crownless,  and  his  pantaloons  a  bottomless 
pit,  the  bullhead  will  bite  just  as  well  as  though  the 
boy  is  dressed  in  purple  and  fine  linen,  with  knee  breeches 
and  plaid  stockings.  The  bullhead  seems  to  be  dozing — 
bulldozing,  we  might  say — on  the  muddy  bottom,  and  a 
stranger  might  say  that  he  would  not  bite.  But  wait.  There 
is  a  movement  of  his  continuation,  and  his  cow-catcher 
moves  gently  toward  the  piece  of  liver.  He  does  not  wait 
to  smell  of  it,  and  canvass  in  his  mind  whether  the  liver 
is  fresh.  It  makes  no  difference  to  him.  He  argues  that 
here  is  a  family  out  of  meat.  "My  country  calls,  and  I 
must  go,"  says  the  bullhead  to  himself,  and  he  opens  his 
mouth  and  the  liver  disappears. 

It  is  not  certain  that  the  boy  will  think  of  his  bait  for  half 
an  hour,  but  the  bullhead  is  in  no  hurry.  He  lays  in  the 
mud  and  proceeds  to  digest  the  liver.  He  realizes  that  his 
days  will  not  be  long  in  the  land,  or  water,  more  properly 
speaking,  and  he  argues  that  if  he  swallows  the  bait  and  di- 
gests it  before  the  boy  pulls  him  out,  he  will  be  just  so  much 
ahead.  Finally  the  boy  thinks  of  his  bait,  and  pulls  it  out, 
and  the  bullhead  is  landed  on  the  bank,  and  the  boy  cuts 
him  open  to  get  the  hook  out.  Some  fish  only  take  the 
bait  gingerly,  and  are  only  caught  around  the  selvage  of  the 
mouth,  and  they  are  comparatively  easy  to  dislodge.  Not 
so  with  the  bullhead.  He  says  if  liver  is  a  good  thing  you 
can't  have  too  much  of  it,  and  it  tastes  good  all  the  way 
down.  The  boy  gets  down  on  his  knees  to  dissect  the  bull- 
head, and  get  his  hook,  and  it  may  be  that  the  boy  swears. 


136 

It  would  not  be  astonishing,  though  he  must  feel,  when  he 
gets  his  hook  out  of  the  hidden  recesses  of  the  bullhead,  like 
the  minister  that  took  up  a  collection  and  didn't  get  a  cent, 
though  he  expressed  thanks  at  getting  his  hat  back.  There 
is  one  drawback  to  the  bullhead,  and  that  is  his  horns.  We 
doubt  if  a  boy  ever  descended  into  the  patent  insides  of  a 
bullhead,  to  mine  for  limerick  hooks,  that  did  not,  before  his 
work  was  done,  run  a  horn  into  his  vital  parts.  But  the  boy 
seems  to  expect  it,  and  the  bullhead  enjoys  it.  We  have 
seen  a  bullhead  lay  on  the  bank  and  become  dry,  and  to  all 
appearances  dead  to  all  that  was  going  on,  and  when  a  boy 
sat  down  on  him  and  got  a  horn  in  his  elbow,  and  yelled 
murder,  he  bullhead  would  grin  from  ear  to  ear,  and  wag  his 
tail  as  though  applauding  for  an  cud  core. 

The  bullhead  never  complains.  We  have  seen  a  boy 
take  a  dull  knife  and  proceed  to  follow  a  fish  line  down  a 
bullhead  from  his  head  to  the  end  of  his  subsequent  anatomy, 
and  all  the  time  there  would  be  an  expression  of  sweet  peace 
on  the  countenance  of  the  bullhead,  as  though  he  enjoyed 
it.  If  we  were  preparing  a  picture  representing  "Resigna- 
tion," for  a  chromo  to  give  to  subscribers,  and  wished  to 
represent  a  scene  of  suffering,  in  which  the  sufferer  was 
light  hearted,  and  seeming  to  recognize  that  all  was  for  the 
best,  we  should  take  for  the  subject  a  bullhead,  with  a  boy 
searching  with  a  knife  for  a  long  losf  fish  hook. 

The  bullhead  is  a  fish  that  has  no  scales,  but  in  lieu  there- 
of is  a  fine  India  rubber  skin,  that  is  as  far  ahead  of  fiddle 
string  material  for  strength  and  durability  as  possible.  The 
meat  of  the  bullhead  is  not  as  choice  as  that  of  the  mackerel, 
but  it  fills  up  a  stomach  just  as  well,  and  THE  SUN  insists 
that  the  fish  commissioners  shall  drop  the  hatching  of  aris- 
tocratic fish,  and  give  the  bullhead  a  chance.  There's  mil- 
lions in  it. 


Now  the  city  is  being  sodded  and  fenced  in,  it  might  be 
proper  to  remove  the  beautiful  grotto,  made  of  pine  boards, 
directly  in  the  rear  of  the  city  building,  or  some  party  of  ex- 
plorers, who  meander  about  the  gravel  walks,  will  go  in  there 
and  smell  woolen  burning.  Let  the  frequent  visitors  to  the 
grotto  be  like  the  leopard,  and  change  their  spots. 


137 

THAT  CUSSED  COW. 

A  goodly  portion  of  the  people  of  the  4th  ward,  who  have 
been  kept  awake  night  after  night  by  a  sleepless  spotted  cow 
tvith  a  country  bell  on,  who  resides  in  the  vicinity  of  Ninth 
and  King  streets,  felt  that  the  publication  of  the  report  of 
tiie  indignation  meeting  last  week  would  have  the  desired 
effect,  and  that,  if  nothing  else  occurred,  the  cow  would 
hide  her  head  in  shame,  or  lay  still  nights.  But  her  flag  is 
still  there.  Her  bunting  remains,  and  she  is  bunting  some- 
thing all  night. 

Well,  President  Burton,  of  the  Anti-Cow  Bellogian  Society, 
leeling  that  the  former  meeting  of  the  society  was  not  suffi- 
ciently appreciated  by  the  owner  of  the  spotted  cow,  called 
a  special  meeting  of  the  society  on  Thursday  evening.  The 
meeting  was  held  in  Mr.  CargilFs  barn,  the  President  occu- 
pying as  a  rostrum  a  barrel  oi  coke  in  a  box  stall,  while  the 
members  sat  around  on  wagon  jacks,  buggy  shafts,  and  in- 
verted water  buckets.  A  number  of  new  members  were 
initiated,  including  Mr.  Jones,  Elder  Abbott,  Mr.  Van  Val- 
kenberg,  Mr.  Martindale  and  Mr.  Tenney.  The  initiatory 
ceremony  is  very  impressive.  The  candidates  were  met  in 
the  alley,  by  the  W.  C.  O.  D.,  on  the  point  of  a  cow  horn. 
They  were  blindfolded  and  a  halter  placed  on  them,  and 
they  were  led  into  the  barn,  when  the  oath  was  administered, 
an  oath  which  is  the  most  blood-thirsty  and  terrible  that  it  is 
possible  to  imagine,  alter  which  they  signed  their  names  on 
the  side  of  the  granary  with  red  chalk,  when  they  were  ad- 
mitted to  full  fellowship 

After  the  new  members  had  been  embraced  by  the  older 
ones,  and  they  had  got  the  grip,  President  Burton  said  that 
reports  of  committees  were  in  order.  Mr.  Cargill  from  the 
committee  to  steal  the  bell,  reported  in  the  absence  of  chair- 
man Webb.  He  said  that  he  had  helped  surround  the  cow, 
;.r,ii  when  they  were  about  to  cut  the  strap  and  go  for  the 
bell,  they  found  that  the  bell  was  put  on  the  cow's  neck  with 
a  piece  of  chain,  and  there  was  an  iron  lock  on  the  chain, 
which  no  one  but  a  burglar  could  unlock.  He  said  the 
committee  had  not  felt  authorized  to  employ  a  burglar  with- 
out consulting  the  society. 

The  committee   appointed   to  shoot   the  cow,   asked  for 


138 

further  time,  and  that  they  be  permitted  to  poison  the  cow. 
1  he  request  was  granted. 

The  President  announced  that  the  committee  appointed 
to  sue  the  owner  of  the  cow  for  damages  had  been  unable  to 
find  who  the  owner  was.  They  had  followed  her  around  to 
find  who  milked  her,  but  had  never  seen  any  one  engaged  in 
that  occupation.  The  committee  tried  to  milk  her,  but  she 
would  not  give  down,  and  two  of  the  committee  believed 
she  was  farrow. 

Mr.  Howard  desired  to  make  a  minority  report  on  the 
subject  of  the  cow  being  farrow.  He  said  he  differed  from 
the  majority  of  the  committee,  on  the  subject,  and  to  sub- 
stantiate his  statements,  he  would  read  a  few  volumes  of 
agricultural  Reports,  which  he  brought  with  him.  (The 
society  voted  that  the  cow  was  not  farrow,  rather  than  hear 
the  agricultural  Reports  read.) 

President  Burton  said  he  would  like  to  hear  from  some  of 
the  new  members,  on  the  subject  of  ridding  the  neighbor- 
hood of  the  cow. 

Mr.  Tenney  said  his  absence  from  home  was  the  only  ex- 
cuse for  not  being  a  charter  member  of  the  society,  but  his 
heart  was  with  them,  He  said  they  used  to  have  just  such 
trouble  with  cows  in  Boston,  and  he  was  on  a  vigilance  com- 
mittee once,  that  slaughtered  a  large  number  of  cows,  and 
gave  the  horns  to  the  poor.  He  said  that  he  had  been  in 
the  hardware  business,  and  knew  some  of  the  tricks  of  the 
trade,  and  he  was  convinced  that  the  cow  belonged  to  Mr. 
Jones,  and  that  he  had  adopted  this  method  of  advertising 
his  cow  bells,  instead  of  the  newspapers. 

At  this  point  all  eyes  were  turned  toward  Mr.  Jones  and 
some  were  talking  of  mobbing  him,  but  when  Mr.  Jones  drew 
a  navy  revolver  from  each  boot  and  rose  as  though  to  speak, 
he  was  granted  a  respectful  hearing,  the  President  getting  be- 
hind a  barrel  of  coke,  in  order  to  hear  better.  Mr.  Jones  said, 
while  he  believed  that  this  cow  was  a  better  advertising 
medium  than  most  newspapers,  because  she  had  a  larger 
circulation,  and  was  very  generally  red,  yet  he  must  deny 
the  allegation  even  if  it  become  necessary  to  shoot  the  alli- 
gator. He  wanted  to  know  if  it  would  stand  to  reason  that 
he  would  go  out  three  times  a  night,  with  nothing  on  but 
his  shirt,  and  throw  bricks  at  his  own  cow,  and  chase  her  up 
the  alley.  Perish  the  thought,  and  the  cow.  He  said  he 


139 

had  the  reputation  in  this  community  of  being  a  mild  man, 
and  not  easily  aroused  to  deeds  of  violence,  but  since  he  had 
been  deprived  of  a  summer's  sleep,  and  since  he  had  been 
bitten  on  the  leg  by  Van's  dog,  he  was  an  altered  man.  He 
said  those  who  thought  he  was  mild,  knew  not  the  fiery 
spirit  within  him.  He  said  he  felt  as  though  nothing  but 
blood  could  atone  for  his  wrongs.  And  he  began  firing  his 
the  revolvers  in  every  direction.  The  assembly  got  down  on 
floor,  until  the  battle  was  over,  when  they  examined  and 
found  that,  though  the  doors  were  all  closed,  he  did  not  hit 
the  barn,  and  a  feeling  of  safety  again  took  possession  of  the 
Society. 

Rev.  Mr.  Abbott,  who  had  been  sitting  on  a  kerosene 
can,  took  the  floor.  He  said  that  since  he  had  resided  in 
the  neighborhood  he  had  enjoyed  the  most  pleasant  rela- 
tions with  all  the  neighbors,  and  had  always  endeavored  to 
do  as  he  would  be  done  by.  Since  that  cow  bell  had  begun 
to  be  heard  he  had  lost  much  sleep,  and  it  was  an  injury  to 
his  health.  He  said  he  could  stand  as  much  as  anybody 
and  not  desire  to  be  considered  as  complaining,  but  he 
would  be  dam 

Mr.  Bently  rose  to  a  point  of  order.  The  chair  told  the 
gentlemen  to  state  his  point  or  order.  He  asked  if  that 
kind  of  language  was  not  prohibited  by  the  constitution. 
The  chair  said  he  hoped  the  gentlemen  would  confine  them- 
selves to  the  subject  under  consideration,  which  was  the  cow. 

Mr.  Abbott  said  he  was  about  to  remark,  when  inter- 
rupted, that  he  had  not  desired  to  complain,  but  he'd  be 
damaged  considerably,  in  health  and  in  temper,  if  the  cow 
was  permitted  to  run  at  large.  He  hoped  she  would  be 
scutued  and  sunk. 

Mr.  Van  Valkenberg  desired  to  say  that 

At  this  point  a  scouting  party  that  had  been  sent  out  to 
reconnoiter  the  position  ot  the  enemy  returned  and  reported 
that  the  cow  was  entrenched  behind  a  woodpile  in  the  alley 
back  of  Burton's  and  was  apparently  sleeping.  Immediate- 
ly all  was  confusion.  The  society  was  transformed  into  a 
military  company  and  placed  in  charge  of  Captain  J.  B. 
Webb,  who  deployed  skirmishers,  and  proceeded  on  the 
enemy's  works  at  once. 

The  report  of  the  sanguinary  battle,  with  the  result,  will 
be  given  next  week. 


140 
A  "TONEY"  VEHICLE. 


Any  person  that  wants  to  buy  four  runners  to  put  in  place 
of  buggy  wheels,  should  call  on  us.  They  are  these  patent 
runners  that  you  have  seen  advertised.  They  are  not  hand- 
some, but  they  are  cheap.  A  few  years  ago  we  took  the 
runners  on  advertising,  and  put  them  on  a  basket  phaeton. 
It  v/as  the  worst  looking  vehicle  that  ever  was  seen.  We 
had  to  blindfold  the  pony  to  hitch  him  on,  and  he  looked 
back  and  saw  it,  gave  one  snort  and  run,  but  his  legs  got 
tangled  in  the  forward  runners  and  he  fainted.  Nothing 
would  stampede  a  flock  of  women  like  that  sled.  One  Sun- 
day we  drove  up  in  front  of  a  church  just  as  people  were 
coming  out,  and  they  turned  pale^iid  went  back,  and  some 
got  over  the  fence,  though  we  told  them  it  was  not  loaded. 
It  looked  like  a  "daddy  long  legs"  that  had  been  stepped 
on.  A  dry  goods  man  offered  us  a  silk  dress  pattern  if  we 
would  hitch  it  in  front  of  a  rival  store.  One  day  we  drove 
up  behind  a  cow  that  was  eating  a  frozen  cabbage  in  the 
street,  and  when  she  saw  it  she  bellowed  and  run  on  to  an 
iron  picket  fence  and  killed  herself.  We  suggested  to  the 
owner  of  the  cow  that  probably  the  cold  cabbage  didn't 
agree  with  her.  "Cabbage  be  danged,"  said  he,  "there 
ought  to  be  a  law  to  punish  a  man  for  driving  around  scar- 
ing cows  with  such  a  wind  mill  as  that."  It  scared  every- 
thing but  boys.  They  hung  on  to  it  by  the  dozen.  We 
shall  never  forget  Phil.  Parsons,  of  Madison,  who  was  up 
here  for  his  health.  He  seemed  pleased  to  have  us  invite 
him  to  ride  around  town,  but  when  he  come  to  see  the  rig 
he  struck,  the  said  he  never  did  care  much  about  riding 
around  a  strange  place.  We  urged  him  to  get  in,  but  he 
stood  off  and  looked  at  it  and  shook  his  head,  and  said 
that  in  his  present  condition  he  didn't  think  it  advisable. 
He  said  he  hadn't  lived  to  his  time  of  lite  to  make  a  4th  of 
July  procession  of  himself,  not  in  the  winter.  If  anybody 
wants  to  create  a  sensation  they  had  better  buy  those  run- 
ners. 


•  A  French  doctor  claims  that  during  death  by  hanging, 
life  remains  longest  in  the  intestines.  It  is  just  so  during 
death  via  cucumber. 


141 
GRANITE  HEAD  CHEESE. 


A  few  years  ago  there  was  some  excitement  at  Grand 
Rapids  over  the  discovery  of  a  bed  or  quarry  of  granite. 
Some  of  it  was  taken  out,  from  the  top  of  the  quarry,  and 
polished,  and  proved  to  be  as  fine  as  any  that  is  imported. 
Further  working  of  the  quarry,  however,  has  developed  a 
strange  thing.  The  anther  they  go  down  the  softer  it  is,  and 
it  has  been  learned  that  the  quarry  is  all  head  cheese,  such 
as  is  sold  by  butchers.  On  top  it  is  petrified,  and  polishes 
very  nicely,  but  a  little  below  it  is  nice  and  fresh,  and 
can  be  cut  out  with  a  knife,  all  ready  for  the  table.  A 
friend  in  Milwaukee,  who  has  ar  uncle  living  at  Grand 
Rapids,  has  furnished  us  with  a  quantity  of  it,  some  of 
which  we  have  eaten,  and  were  it  not  for  the  fact  that 
we  know  it  came  from  the  quarry,  it  would  be  hard  to 
convince  us  that  it  was  not  concocted  out  of  the  remains 
of  a  butcher  shop.  The  people  up  there  are  very  enthusi- 
astic over  this  discovery,  and  there  is  talk  of  running  Hon. 
J.  N.  Brundage  for  congress,  on  the  head  cheese  ticket,  in 
order  thai-  he  may  use  his  influence  to  get  head  cheese 
adopted  as  an  army  ration,  and  also  as  currency  with  which 
to  wipe  out  the  national  debt.  The  discovery  of  this  quarry 
will  make  a  revolution  in  the  food  production  of  the  coun- 
try.   

A  man  on  King  Street  gave  a  boy  a  goat'the  other  day,  and 
he  tied  a  rope  around  its  neck  to  lead  it  home.  The  boy 
wanted  to  go  through  the  gate,  but  as  the  goat  concluded 
to  jumped  over  the  fence  and  pull  the  boy  through  between 
the  pickets,  he  let  the  goat  have  its  own  way.  The  boy  got 
through  the  fence  in  instalments,  leaving  his  shirt  collar  and 
one  pants  leg  on  the  pickets,  the  goat  dragged  him  out  into 
the  middle  of  the  street,  and  then  there  occurred  a  sangui- 
nary encounter  to  see  whether  the  boy  or  the  goat  should  boss 
the  moving.  At  one  time  the  spectators  thought  the  goat 
would  take  the  boy  home.  The  animal  used  the  boy  for  a 
cultivator,  and  they  tore  up  the  street  like  hands  working  on 
the  road,  til!  .he  goat  slipped  the  rope  over  his  head,  and 
ihen  the  boy  £athe:t:d  himself  up  by  the  armful,  and  went 
and  told  his  mother  that  he  got  his  rope  back  anyway.  She 
combed  him  with  a  piece  of  barrel. 


142 
TAKE    YOUR    J..ATIN    STRAIGHT. 

The  school  board,  at  its  "last  session  adopted  the  following 
rule:  "The  continental  system  of  pronounciation  of  the 
Latin  language  shall  hereafter  be  taught  in  all  classes  study- 
ing Latin  in  the  High  schools  of  the  city  of  La  Crosse,  and 
no  other  system  of  pronounciation  shall  be  allowed  except 
by  direction  of  the  board  of  education." 

We  are  glad  the  rule  has  been  adopted,  as  there  is  no 
doubt  that  the  continental  system  is  the  best.  We  have 
been  pained  beyond  measure,  as  no  doubt  all  of  the  school 
board  have,  at  hearing  the  scholars  pronounce  Latin  by  'tother 
system.  No  longer  ago  than  last  Saturday,  when  we  were 
in  Mons  Anderson's,  a  girl  came  in  and  asked  for  a  pair  of 
Latin  corsets,  by  the  Onalaska  system  of  pronounciation. 
The  clerk,  not  understanding,  went  and  got  a  pair  of  those 
undershirts  and  drawers,  complete  in  one  number,  with  no 
tale  to  be  continued.  The  girl  blushed,  the  clerk  did  not 
understand,  and  we  had  to  explain  by  the  continental  sys- 
tem, and  the  girl  got  her  corsets,  but  suppose  there  had  not 
been  a  Latin  scholar  standing  around  there  waiting  for  his 
wife  to  buy  a  package  of  safety  pins,  what  a  predicament 
the  girl  would  have  been  in.  On  behalf  of  the  people, 
THE  SUN  thanks  the  board  of  education  for  adopting  the 
continental  system  of  pronounciation,  only  they  ought  to  go 
further,  and  make  it  a  crime  punishable  with  suicide  for  any- 
body to  pronounce  it  in  any  other  way.  There  has  been 
suffering  enough  by  pronouncing  it  the  old  way. 

A  man  died  in  Oshkosh  who  was  over  eighty  years  of  age. 
After  the  funeral  the  minister  who  conducted  the  services, 
said  to  the  son  of  the  deceased,  "your  father  was  an  octo- 
genarian." The  young  man  colored  up,  doubled  up  his  fist, 
and  said  to  the  minister  that  he  would  li^e  to  have  him  re- 
peat that  remark.  The  minister  said,  "I  say  your  father 
was  an  old  octogenarian."  He  had  not  more  than  got  the 
word  out  of  his  mouth  before  the  young  man  struck  him  on 
the  nose,  knocked  him  down,  kicked  him  in  the  ear,  and 
when  pulled  off  by  a  policeman,  he  said  no  holyghoster  could 
call  his  dead  father  names,  not  around  him.  The  minister 
said  he  couldn't  have  been  more  surprised  if  some  one  had 
paid  a  year's  pew  rent,  than  he  was  when  that  young  man's 
fist  hit  him. 


143 
ON  PAPER. 


Years  ago  there  used  to  be  a.  party  of  boarders  at  one  of 
the  La  Crosse  hotels  that  were  full  of  fun.  There  were 
Kennedy  and  John  B.  Webb,  for  instance,  who  never  let  a 
chance  slip  to  create  amusement.  Then  there  was  lawyer 
Wood  ward,  -who  never  joked  much,  and  who  would  as 
soon  have  expected  to  be  struck  by  lightning  as  to  have  a 
trick  played  on  him.  At  that  time  the  board  was  unusually 
bad.  Times  were  hard,  the  house  was  not  paying,  the  pro- 
prietors were  disgusted,  and  the  bill  of  fare  was  rather  thin. 
One  day  the  two  first  mentioned  bachelors  put  up  a  job 
on  Woodward.  They  got  a  bill  of  fare  and  filled  it  out  with 
all  the  fine  dishes  they  could  think  of,  and  made  a  lay  out 
that  would  have  done  credit  to  Delmonico.  This  bill  of 
fare  they  placed  at  Wood  ward's  plate,  the  waiter  girl  was 
let  into  the  secret,  and  after  all  the  rest  had  been  seated  at 
the  table,  Woodward  came  in.  Being  a  trifle  near  sighted, 
he  placed  the  bill  ot  fare  close  to  his  eyes  and  read  ''terra- 
pin." For  fear  his  eyes  deceived  him  he  looked  again,  but 
the  terrapin's  flag  was  still  there.  Said  he,  "It  is  years  since 
I  have  eaten  terrapin  fish.  Kate,  bring  me  some  terrapin." 
The  girl  went  to  the  kitchen  and  got  a  generous  slice  of 
the  sirloin  of  a  catfish  and  placed  it  before  Woodward.  He 
tasted  of  it,  looked  grave  and  doubtful,  and  said :  "  I  will 
take  some  of  the  ox-tail  soup."  She  brought  him  a  plate  of 
a  beverage  that  looked  as  though  vegetables  had  been 
washed  in  it,  and  he  tasted  of  it  and  set  it  on  one  side,  and 
said  he  would  take  a  little  canvass  back  duck,  with  jelly. 
She  went  out  and  came  back  and  said  it  was  all  gone,  when 
he  looked  again  at  the  bill,  and  said  never  mind,  he  would 
have  some  of  the  wild  turkey.  She  returned  with  some 
corned  beet  and  cabbage,  which  he  ate.  He  never  was  a 
man  to  make  a  fuss.  While  eating  his  corned  beef,  his  eye 
glanced  down  to  the  bottom  of  the  bill  of  fare  and  he  said 
he  would  have  some  charlotte  russe,  and  some  plum  pud- 
ding, ice  cream  and  walnuts.  The  girl,  almost  bursting  with 
suppressed  emotion,  went  out  and  got  a  slice  of  prune  pie, 
with  eight  hundred  flies  holding  a  convention  on  the  crust. 
This  was  too  much.  Woodward  looked  at  Kennedy  and 
Webb,  then  at  Kate,  then  at  the  pie,  and  then  he  said  that 
it  was  the  most  elaborate  dinner  on  paper  that  he  had  seen, 


144 

but  the  most  unsatisfactory  that  he  had  experienced  in  that 
house.  Kennedy  said  he  had  noticed  it  himself,  and  Webb 
said  it  was  like  some  generals  in  the  army,  lightning  on 
dress  parade,  but  pretty  scarce  in  action.  Woodward  has 
forgiven  them  now. 


"How  to  reach  young  men, ".was  the  topic  at  the  young 
men's  prayer  meeting  on  Thursday.  An  old  gentleman  on 
the  East  Side  who  broke  a  toe  nail  by  kicking  the  gate  post 
just  as  a  young  man  went  down  the  sidewalk,  would  also  like 
to  know.  Bait  your  hook  with  a  mighty  good  looking  girl 
that  wears  a  sealskin  cloak,  and  you  can  reach  young  men. 


There  is  danger  that  our  greatest  fear  in  regard  to  the  ar- 
tesian well  will  be  realized,  and  that  is,  that  the  borers  will 
strike  some  medicinal  water.  They  claim  that  they  will  be 
as  careful  as  possible,  and  if  they  receive  warning  of  striking 
a  jalap  factory,  they  will  turn  out  and  let  it  pass.  Already 
two  wonderful  cures  have  been  performed.  One  case  is 
that  of  a  gentleman  who  was  paralyzed,  with  a  white  swell- 
ing on  his  neck,  has  been  compelled  to  wear  a  crutch  and 
two  canes,  for  two  years.  The  other  day  he  picked  up  a 
handful  of  sand  that  had  just  come  out  of  the  hole,  and 
smelled  of  it.  Immediately  he  felt  a  sensation  that  was  pe- 
culiar. He  thought  the  contractor  had  kicked  him  a  Hide 
to  the  larboard.  Well,  he  had.  But  the  effect  was  startling. 
The  man  dropped  his  crutch  and  canes  and  walked  as  well 
as  ever.  He  went  down  to  the  depot  and  whipped  a  man 
from  Sparta,  who  had  induced  him  to  try  Sparta  water  years 
ago,  and  then  he  went  out  in  Minnesota,  where  he  is  earn- 
ing three  dollars  a  day  harvesting.  The  other  case  was  that 
of  city  treasurer  Scharpf,  who  had  a  swelling  in  the  left  lobe 
of  his  safe.  It  had  been  pronounced  $500.  Others  had 
tried  to  relieve  him  of  it,  but  without  avail.  Since  they  have 
been  boring  that  well,  the  swelling  has  gone  down..  There 
is  another  larger  one  coming,  but  it  is  thought  the  well  will 
relieve  him.  If  smelling  of  the  wet  sand  is  going  to  cure 
people,  the  Lord  only  knows  how  it  will  be  when  we  get 
down  a  few  hundred  feet.  Still  there  is  no  use  of  moving 
away.  If  anybody  moves  away  we  shall  send  k  to  them  in 
barrels. 


145 

JOKE  GET  THE  HAT. 


Somehow,  during  the  election  excitement,  Frank  Hatch 
hapened  to  bet  right  just  once.  He  bet  a  hat,  and  on  Mon- 
day he  went  to  Putnam  &  Philbrick  and  selected  one  of  the 
finest  silk  ones.  When  he  went  out  in  the  street  everybody 
noticed  it,  and  a  reception  was  held.  They  all  congratu- 
lated Frank,  except  Ike  Usher.  Ike's  hat  was  a  year  old, 
and  the  contrast  was  so  remarkable  that  Ike  would  not  walk 
on  the  street  with  Hatch.  Frank  said  that  Ike's  hat  used 
to  be  a  very  fine  looking  hat,  but  at  present  it  was  a  dis- 
grace to  the  force.  Mr.  Usher  was  offended,  and  he  swore 
revenge.  He  went  to  a  professional  drunkard  on  Division 
street  and  said  that  if  he  should  happen  to  get  drunk  Mon- 
day night  and  Hatch  should  happen  to  arrest  him,  he  would 
give  the  drunkard  five  dollars  if  the  drunkard  would  smash 
Frank's  new  hat.  The  fellow  said  he  would  flatten  it  flatter 
than  flatness  itself.  Just  after  dark  Mr.  Hatch  was  walking 
down  Third  Street,  "Whoop,  hurrah  for  Tilden,  (hie)  "endrix." 
The  remark  seemed  so  out  of  place  that  Frank  went  down 
there.  The  man  was  lying  on  the  sidewalk,  and  telling  the 
barrel  to  roll  over  and  not  take  up  all  the  bed.  Mr.  Hatch 
accosted  the  man  gently,  telling  him  he  would  catch  cold 
there,  and  that  he  had  better  go  with  him  to  the  city  hotel. 
The  man  said  he  would  be — counted  in  if  he  did,  and 
riatch  bent  over  him  to  take  him  by  the  lily  white  hand, 
when  a  drunken  boot  came  down  on  the  top  of  that  hat, 
and  drove  it  clean  down  to  Frank's  nose.  Of  course  it 
could  go  no  further.  Then  the  man  pulled  Frank  down 
and  the  hat  struck  the  end  of  a  salt  barrel,  knocked  it  off, 
and  the  man  raised  up  and  sat  down  on  it,  and  kicked  it 
into  the  street.  Frank  got  the  man  away,  and  a  boy  brought 
his  hat  to  the  police  station,  just  as  Usher  and  Littlejohn 
and  Knutson,  and  all  the  policeman  entered.  It  is  said 
that  they  all  stood  on  the  corner  over  by  Kevin's  watching 
the  arrest.  The  hat  was  a  sight  to  behold,  as  it  laid  in  state, 
on  the  safe,  and  aU  the  boys  making  comments  on  it.  It 
looked  like  a  six  inch  stove  pipe  elbow;  that  a  profane  man 
had  been  attempting  to  fit  to  a  five  inch  stove  pipe.  It 
looked  some  like  an  old  dripping  pan  that  has  been  thrown 
out  in  the  street,  and  had  been  run  over  by  wagons.  It 
.looked  like  the  very  dickens.  And  yet  we  have  no  doubt 


146 

Hatch  will  say  this  is  a  lie,  because  he  now  wears  a 
good  hat,  but  we  know  the  hat  he  now  wears  he  got  by 
trading  a  flani\el  shirt  to  a  grasshopper  sufferer,  and  it  no 
more  resembles  the  beautiful  new  hat  he  won  on  election 
than  nothing.  After  Hatch  went  out  of  the  office,  Usher 
let  the  man  "escape,"  and  he  is  five  dollars  ahead,  and  Ike 
has  got  even  with  Hatch. 


There  is  no  end  to  the  attainments  of  science.  The  latest 
thing  out  is  female  underclothes  all  in  one  piece,  consisting 
of  shirt  and  drawers.  Though  these  double  garments  are 
not  handsome  to  look  at  on  a  person,  they  are  very  handy 
and  comfortable,  and  a  great  saving.  The  saving  in  shirt  tail 
alone,  that  has  heretofore  been  of  no  earthly  use  except  to 
tuck  in,  is  enormous.  In  these  hard  times  every  inch  that 
is  saved  even  on  the  humblest  shirt  tail,  helps  to  pay  the 
National  debt. 


The  meanest  thing  we  have  seen  was  on  Third  Street  the 
other  day.  A  boy  from  the  counfry  came  into  a  place  of 
business  where  rabbits  are  hanging  up  outside  and  asked  the 
man  what  good  rabbits  were  worth.  The  man  told  him 
that  good  fat  rabbits  ought  to  bring  from  twenty  to  twenty- 
five  cents.  The  boy  went  out  and  bought  some  pow- 
der and  shot  and  started  for  home.  He  said  he  could  kill 
forty  rabbits  in  a  day.  Two  days  after  we  happened  in  the 
same  place  and  a  wagon  drove  up,  and  the  same  boy  called 
the  same  proprietor  out  and  showed  him  half  a  wagon  box 
full  of  rabbits,  and  asked  what  he  was  paying.  The  man 
looked  the  rabbits  over  and  said  he  would  give  five  cents 
apiece,  for  ten  of  them.  There  never  was  an  under  jaw  went 
down  the  way  that  boy's  did.  The  man  explained  that  al- 
most everybody  had  gone  to  killing  rabbits  and  the  market 
was  overstocked.  The  failure  of  the  great  eastern  powers  to 
go  to  war  had  stopped  the  foreign  demand  for  rabbits,  and 
.they  were  a  drug  in  the  market.  That  the  price  quoted, 
twenty  cents,  was  in  anticipation  of  an  eastern  war.  The 
boy  sold  his  rabbits  and  went  home  feeling  as  though  he 
had  been  bull-dozed. 


147 

LA  CROSSE  NEBECTTDNEZZER  WATER. 


It  is  the  great  ambition  of  our  life  to  bring  to  the  notice  of 
the  people  of  the  world  the  curative  powers  of  the  La 
Crosse  water,  that  all  who  may  be  suffering  from  any  dis- 
ease, however  complicated,  may  be  cured,  and  all  men  may 
become  healthy,  and  women  too,  and  doctors  will  have  to 
go  out  harvesting.  The  La  Crosse  artesian  well,  was  begun 
last  fall,  and  completed  as  soon  as  the  contractor  found  he 
couldn't  make  any  money  at  it.  It  was  rumored  thai.  ?ie 
struck  granite,  and  in  fact  several  little  specks  of  granite 
were  tound  in  the  stuff  that  come  from  the  hole,  but  it  is 
pretty  generally  believed  now  that  the  granite  particles  got 
in  from  the  top,  unknown  to  the  contractor.  The  water 
came  to  within  ten  feet  of  the  surface,  and  struck.  It  never 
would  come  any  further,  and  the  world  would  have  re- 
mained in  ignorance  of  its  curative  powers,  only  for  Powers, 
who  put  in  a  hydraulic  ram,  and  the  blockade  was  broken, 
the  water  now  flows  to  the  surface,  and  all  is  well. 

Attention  was  first  called  to  the  curative  powers  of  the 
water,  by  a  singular  incident.  A  teamster  whose  duty  it  was 
to  haul  stone,  was  in  the  habit  of  stopping  at  the  well  to  water 
his  mules.  One  of  the  mules  was  in  a  sad  state.  He  was 
blind  in  one  eye,  had  a  spavin,  a  ringbone,  the  heaves,  his 
liver  was  torpid,  his  lungs  were  badly  affected,  and  his  friends 
feared  that  he  was  not  long  for  the  stone  quarry.  He  had 
no  family.  Soon  after  tlie  mule  began  to  drink  the  water 
the  driver  noticed  a  great  change  come  over  him.  Previ- 
ously he  had  seemed  resigned  to  his  fate,  but  latterly  he  was 
ambitious.  One  day  while  playfully  mashing  the  mule  over 
the  head  with  a  sled  stake,  the  driver  noticed  that  a  new  eye 
had  grown  in  the  place  of  the  former  cavity,  and  as  the 
mule  kicked  him  with  more  than  his  accustomed  vigor,  he 
noticed  that  the  spavin  and  ring  bone  were  gone,  and  the 
foimer  plaintive  melody  of  his  voice  gave  place  to  a  bray 
that  resembled  the  whistle  of  the  Alex.  Mitchell.  When  it 
was  known  that  the  mule  had  been  cured,  others  tried  the 
water,  men  who  had  never  drank  it  before,  until  to-day 
there  are  thousands  who  will  testify  to  the  benefits  arising 
from  its  use.  We  could  give  the  names  of  many  who  have 
been  snatched  from  the  grave— the  La  Crosse  water  is  a 


148 

regular  body  snatcher— but  we  will  first  give  an   analysis  of 
the  water. 

Believing  that  the  water  was  destined  to  play  a  prominent 
part  in  solving  the  great  question  of  how  to  euchre  death, 
we  sent  a  quantity  of  it  to  the  eminent  Prof.  Alonzo  Brown, 
M.  D.  V.  S.  of  Jefferson,  Wis.,  with  a  letter  of  transmittal 
authorizing  him  to  analyze  it  thoroughly,  and  give  us  the 
result,  at  our  expense.  The  following  is  Prof.  Brown's  an- 
alysis : 

LABORATORY  JEFFERSON  LIVERY  STABLE, 

August  3,  1877. 
Lieut.   GEO.  W.  PECK, 

4th  Wis.  Cavalry, 

Dear  Sir: 

Yours  of  July  25th,  received.  I  should  have  attended  to 
the  water  before,  but  have  had  several  cases  of  blind  stag- 
gers in  my  barn,  which  has  kept  me  busy.  I  have  exam- 
ined the  water  by  every  process  known  to  science,  and  pro- 
nounce it  bully.  I  took  it  apart  at  my  leisure,  and  find  that 
it  contains  to  one  U.  S.  washtub  full,  of  741  cubic  inches, 
the  following  stuff: 

Chloride,  of  Sodium,  (common  salt) 2  sacks. 

Chloride  of  Pilgariic 40,02 1  grains. 

Bicarbonate   of  erysipelas 1 1,602       " 

Bicarbonate  of  pie  plant 2,071       " 

Blue  pills 21,011       " 

Bicarbonate  of  soda  water  (vanilla.) 17,201       " 

Sulphate  of  Potasalager  beer 61,399       " 

Bicarbonate  corrugated  iron- j  8,020       " 

Mustang  Liniment 240       " 

Boneset  and  summer  savory 10,210       " 

Dow's  Liver  Cure,  (6  bottles  for  $r.) 16,297       " 

Bromide  of  Alcock's  Porous  Plaster 22,222       " 

Flouride  of  Pain  Killer  [for  cucumbers,] 055       " 

Paris  Green oo  i       " 

Spruce  gum  and  Vinegar  Bitters 075       " 

In  sujuiitting  this  analysis  permit  me  to  say  that  I  find 
traces  of  mock  turtle  soup,  and  India  Rubber.  I  consider 
the  La  Crosse  Nebecudnezzer  water  the  most  comprehen- 
sive water  that  I  have  ever  analyzed,  and  I  would  recom- 


149 

mend  it  for  any  disease  that   human  beings  or  animals  may 
have. 

Very  Respectfully 

ALONZO  BROWN, 

Prof,  of  Chemistry  in  Jefferson   Livery  stable,  and  late 
veterinary  surgeon  4th  Wis.  Cavalry. 

We  have  known  Mr.  Brown  long  and  well,  and  his  state- 
ment in  regard  to  the  water  can  be  relied  upon.  Citizens 
should  retain  a  copy  of  this  analysis  for  future  reference. 

Mr.  E.  W.  Keyes,  of  Madison,  writing  under  date  of 
August  rst,  says:  "The  La  Crosse  water  you  sent  me  has 
caused  an  entire  new  crop  of  hair  to  grow  upon  my  head. 
I  had  been  bald  for  years,  and  offered  five  hundred  dollars, 
for  any  medicine  that  would  cause  hair  to  grow.  Enclosed 
find  five  hundred  dollars,  and  send  me  more  water.  I  want 
to  try  it  on  Murphey,  of  the  Sentinel.  I  think  it  would  be 
a  good  joke  on  Murphey." 

But  wait  till  we  get  all  the  letters  written  from  prominent 
men  who  have  been  cured. 


We  have  heretofore  entirely  overlooked  the  magnetic 
qualities  of  the  La  Crosse  water.  It  will  be  remembered 
that  the  Fond  du  Lac  water  is  advertised  as  magnetic 
water,  and  it  has  been  said  that  a  knife  blade,  after  being 
soaked  in  the  water  will  take  up  a  watch  key  or  a  steel  pen. 
That  is  nothing  compared  to  the  La  Crosse  water.  Last 
week  a  man  who  had  been  soaked  in  La  Crosse  water,  took 
up  a  watch,  key  and  all,  and  a  policeman  who  had  been 
using  the  water  took  up  the  man,  with  the  watch.  A  pair 
of  ice  tongs,  made  of  steel,  on  being  soaked  in  the  water, 
took  up  a  piece  of  ice  weighing  over  a  hundred  pounds, 
and  a  farmer  named  Dawson,  atter  drinking  the  water  took 
up  a  stray  colt.  A  young  couple  stopped  the  other  evening 
and  took  a  drink  of  water  and  walked  up  Fourth  street, 
and  before  they  got  to  Seymour's  corner  they  were  walking 
so  close  together  that  you  couldn't  tell  which  the  bustle 
was  on.  We  have  never  seen  water  that  had  so  much  mag- 
netism in  as  t'.iis.  A  pot  of  it  on  a  house  is  better  than  a 
lightning  rod. 


150 

A  TERRIBLE  SCENE. 


Last  Saturday  a  party  of  gentlemen  were  sailing  at 
Brown's  Lake,  near  Burlington.  Hon.  David  Vance,  an 
old  sailor,  had  charge  of  the  lanyards,  and  the  crew  con- 
sisted of  Tom.  St.  George.  L.  E.  Overman,  W.  B.  Button 
and  G.  Smith.  Mr.  Vance's  eye  was  suddenly  attracted  to 
the  shore,  by  seeing  a  girl  in  a  swing.  His  comrades  told 
him  to  beware,  and  to  look  not  upon  the  girl  when  she  was 
red  headed,  for  at  last  she  biteth,  etc.,  but  Mr.  Vance,  who 
is  an  old  campaigner,  said  he  was  a  great  student  of  nature 
and  he  wanted  to  see  whether  they  were  wearing  stripes  this 
year,  or  plain.  While  he  was  twisting  his  neck  she  careened 
— the  boat  did — no  Racine  county  girl  ever  careens — she 
careened,  from  the  effects  of  a  zephyr  which  struck  her  jib 
— the  boat's  jib,  please  understand.  Mr.  Vance,  who  had 
one  hand  on  her  rudder,  and  the  other  somewhere  else,  saw 
that  she  was  bound  to  fill  with  water,  and  he  shouted  "Hard 
a-port !"  and  prepared  to  climb  into  her  rigging.  Mr.  St. 
George,  with  a  coolness  that  was  simply  remarkble,  said  there 
was  no  hard  a-port  on  board,  or  hardly  anything  else,  but 
he  would  swim  ashore  and  get  a  bottle  of  beer.  It  was  very 
annoying  to  an  old  sailor  like  Mr.  Vance,  to  have  a  crew  of 
landsmen,  not  familiar  with  nautical  phrases,  but  he  did  the 
best  he  could.  Said  he,  "She  is  going  over.  Jump  on  her 
side."  They  all  knew  what  that  meant,  and  in  a  moment 
they  were  on  her  side,  the  sail  was  down  in  the  water,  and 
they  were  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  shore.  No  one  can 
picture  their  despair.  There  they  were,  the  waves  rolling 
eight  or  nine  inches  high,  night  coming  on,  no  provisions, 
and  the  girl  in  the  swing  reading  a  dime  novel.  Hunger 
stared  them  in  the  stomach,  and  yet  they  would  never 
desert  the  ship,  because  they  couldn't  swim,  the  \vater  was 
over  two  feet  deep,  and  they  had  their  best  clothes  on. 
They  were  beginning  to  get  hungry  and  it  was  decided  to 
kill  one  of  their  number  and  eat  him.  It  was  decided  to 
kill  Smith.  It  was  argued  that  there  would  be  Smiths 
enough  left  in  the  world  anyway,  and  Smith  said  he  would 
rather  be  killed  than  to  try  to  eat  either  of  the  other  fellows. 
"Water !  water !"  cried  Mr.  St.  George,  as  his  thirst  be- 
came unbearable,  and  his  brain  began  to  reel.  Mr.  Vance 
asked  him  why  he  didn't  dip  up  some  of  the  lake  water  in 


151 

his  hat  and  drink  it.  St.  George  gasped  that  there  was  no 
ice  in  it,  and  besides  he  didn't  want  to  get  his  hat  wet.  It 
was  decided  to  kill  Smith  by  slow  starvation,  and  then  eat 
him.  Overman  offered  to  wade  ashore  and  get  a  bottle  of 
mustard  and  some  bread,  but  they  wouldn't  allow  it,  fearing 
he  would  not  come  back,  but  leave  them  to  perish  alone. 
While  Smith  was  starving  to  death,  so  they  could  eat  him, 
the  crew  wrote  letters  home.  A  bottle  was  found  in  Mr. 
Button's  pocket  into  which  the  letters  were  placed  and  the 
bottle  thrown  into  the  vasty  deep.  Smith  was  just  taking  a 
last  gasp,  when  there  appeared  on  the  horizon  a  sail.  Mr. 
Vance  told  them  to  brace  up,  as  deliverance  was  at  hand. 
As  the  boat  neared  them  it  proved  to  contain  Wright,  the 
Racine  postmaster,  who  had  been  over  where  the  girl  was 
swinging.  He  guided  his  boat  to  the  wreck  and  in  a  short 
time  the  crew  was  safe.  It  was  a  terrible  ordeal,  but  all  of 
the  men  are  as  well  as  could  be  expected  under  the  circum- 
stances. The  girl  is  hearty,  too. 

They  are  telling  a  good  joke  on  Chaptn,  of  Columbus,  a. 
lawyer  of  note.  Chapin  is  one  of  the  best  single  handed 
talkers  in  the  world.  He  will  sit  down  beside  a  man  and 
talk  on  any  subject  with  which  he  is  familiar,  and  will  so 
claim  the  attention  of  the  man  he  is  talking  to  that  it  is  im- 
possible for  him  to  rise.  He  has  fine  command  of  the 
English  and  Oshkosh  language,  and  is  really  one  off  the 
most  interesting  conversationalists  that  one  will  meet  with 
in  a  life  time.  Some  time  last  year,  when  Chapin  was  a 
member  of  the  Board  of  Charities,  he  entertained  Gabe 
Fouck  for  a  couple  of  hours,  on  the  state  of  the  country, 
and  other  topics  that  were  absorbing  the  minds  of  the 
great  men.  Bouck  was  so  interested  that  he  didn't  get  a 
chance  to  get  a  word  in  edgways.  After  midnight  Chapin 
concluded  his  few  casual  remarks,  and  put  on  his  over  shoes, 
preparatory  to  going  out,  when  Gabe  recovered  himself 
sufficiently  to  say,  -'Why  Chape,  where  are  you  going  at 
this  time  of  night?"  Chape  said  he  was  going  to  the  Deaf 
and  Dumb  Asylum,  at  Delavan.  Gabe  took  in  the  situa- 
tion at  once,  and  said,  "  For  God's  sake,  Chape,  you  are  not 
going  down  there  to  learn  to  talk  with  your  hands  too  ?" 
The  remark  was  too  good  to  keep,  and  it  worked  out,  and 
Chape  has  not  said  much  since. 


152 

GETTING   IN    THE    WRONG    PEW. 


There  is  a  pious  drummer  traveling  for  a  Milwaukee  gro- 
cery house,  one  of  those  truly  good  men  who  will  sell  you 
bean  coffee  with  one  hand  and  point  to  the  golden  streets  of 
Jerusalem    with  the  other.     Passing  by  Fay's  auction  store 
the  other  day,  the  drummer  heard  an  organ  peeling  out  the 
tune,  "  Rock  of  Ages  Cleft  for  Me,"  and  Durr  yelled  out, 
"Come  in,  services  will  commence  in  a  few  minutes."     The 
pious  drummer  noticed  the  crowd  in  waiting,  and  turning 
to  a  man  standing  near  in   his  shirt  sleeves,  he  asked  him 
what  was  going  on  in  there.     The  man  said  it  was  the  after- 
noon meeting  of  the  Young  Men's  Christian    Association. 
The  drummer  set  down  his  sample  case,  went  in  and  took 
off  his  hat  and  sat  down  in  a  cane  seat  chair,  and  as  Mr. 
Root,  who  was  at  the  organ,  which  was  for  sale,  played  the 
beautiful  tune,  "  From  Greenland's  Icy  Mountains,"  a  sweet 
peace  seemed  to   steal   over  the  audience,  and  the  pious 
drummer  placed  his  handkerchief   to  his  face  and  closed 
his  eyes.     Brother  Robinson  noticed  the   strange  conduct 
of  the  man,  and  said  to  him,  "  My  friend,  you  seem  to  be 
in  trouble,  can  I   help  you?"     The  man  sighed  and  said, 
"I  am  a  miserable  sinner,  from  Milwaukee,  and  I  feel  that  it 
is  good  to  be  here."     Robinson  told  a  policeman  to  watch 
the   fellow  and   see  that   he   didn't  steal   any   boot   packs. 
Pretty  soon  Mr.  Durr  got  on  the  counter,  and  his  bare  head 
and  Wesleyan   countenance   drew   every   eye.     The   pious 
drummer  looked  at  him  with  awe.     Durr  broke  the  stillness 
by  saying:  "Gentlemen,  you  have  heard  our  organ.     It  has 
eight  stops,  and  you  can  play  anything  on   it,  from  church 
music  to  dancing   tunes.     It  is  a  lock   stitch,  stem    winder 
and  how  much  do  I  hear?     After  I  sell  this  organ  we  wil 
sell  a  pair  of  bob  sleds,  a  mule   and   some  furniture.     Bid 
lively."     The  pious   drummer  opened  his  eyes  and  saw  he 
was  in  the  wrong  pew,  and   he  went  out.     Standing  on  the 
sidewalk,  he   pulled  off  his  coat,  spit   on  his  hands,  looked 
up  and  down,  and  said  to  the  policeman,  "I  am  a  meek  and 
lowly  follower,  and   don't   want  no  muss,  but  by  the  great 
mug   wump  I  can    whip   the  son   of  a  tinker  in  his   shirt 
sleeyes  that  played  an  auction  on  me  for  a  prayer  meeting. 
You  hear   me."     The  policeman   told  him    the  boys  were 
always  that  way,  and  cooled  him  down,  and  he  took  his 


153 

sample  case  and  went  away.  From  the  description  he  gare 
of  the  man  who  sent  him  in  there,  it  was  either  Frank  Bige- 
low  or  Ben.  Simonton. 


The  residence  of  John  Turner,  of  the  Mauston  Star, 
was  entered  by  burglars  a  few  nights  since,  and  his  clothes 
were  stolen,  containing  all  his  money  and  his  railroad  pass. 
We  can  imagine  an  editor  around  bare  as  to  legs,  etcetery, 
and  out  of  money,  but  to  be  without  a  railroad  pass  must 
indeed  be  a  sad  state  of  affairs.  When  burglars  burgle  an 
editor  it  is  a  sign  that  confidence  is  restored  under  Hayes' 
administration.  We  trust  that  editors  throughout  the  State 
who  are  blessed  with  this  world's  goods  to  the  extent  of 
more  than  one  pair  of  pants,  will  send  one  pair  at  least  to 
John  Turner,  Mauston,  Wis.,  by  express.  We  are  probably 
as  poor  as  any  editor,  but  we  have  sent  him  those  alligator 
pants  that  have  created  such  a  sensation  in  years  gone  by. 
It  is  true  they  are  a  little  bit  fringy  about  the  bottoms,  and 
the  knees  are  worn  through,  and  concealment,  like  a  worm 
in  the  bud,  has  gnawed  the  foundation  all  out  of  them,  but 
in  a  little  town  like  Mauston,  such  things  will  not  be  no- 
ticed. John,  take  them,  in  welcome,  and  when  the  cold 
winds — but  you  better  carry  bricks  in  your  coat  tail  pockets. 
That  is  the  way  we  wore  them  the  last  three  or  four  years. 


There  is  a  place  up  back  of  Hood's  over  the  hill,  where  boys 
congregate  to  slide  down  hill.  The  other  a  party  of  young 
out  calling,  happened  to  see  the  boys  coasting,  and 
they  went  to  the  hill  bent  on  having  a  good  time.  Two  of 
them  borrowed  a  sled,  and  got  on,  one  in  front,  with  her  feet  on 
each  side,  to  steer  the  sled  with  her  heels,  the  way  the  boys  do 
They  started  and  went  down  kiting,  the  blood  rushed  in 
their  cheeks,  and  when  they  got  to  the  bottom  they  looked 
handsome.  They  started  to  haul  the  sled  up,  and  the  one 
who  steered  the  sled  seemed  to  walk  wide.  Arriving  at  the 
top  of  the  hill  one  of  the  girls  who  had  watched  the  affair 
said  to  the  steerer,  "How  did  you  like  it?"  With  a  damp 
look  she  replied,  "If  I  had  had  weather  strips  on  the  tops  of 
my  stockings  I  should  not  have  been  the  total  wreck  that  I 
am  no\v.  I  am  going  right  straight  home."  Her  brother 
said  he  wondered  what  made  Samautha  stand  up  behind  the 
-oal  stove  all  the  evening,  but  snow  will  melt. 


154 
SELLING    CLAMS. 


At  the  concert  on  Wednesday  night,  the  last  piece  sung 
was  a  trio,  by  Marie  Rose,  Brignoli  and  Carleton.  The  men 
stood  on  each  side  of  the  girl,  and  began  to  jaw  at  her.  It 
was  in  some  other  language,  and  we  could  only  understand 
by  the  motion  of  their  mouths  and  their  actions.  It  seemed 
as  though  the  men  were  trying  to  sell  clams  to  her.  First 
Brignoli  began  to  whoop  it  up,  and  describe  the  clams  he 
had  to  sell,  and  try  to  get  her  to  invest.  He  yelled  at  her, 
and  seemed  really  put  out,  and  she  was  as  spunky  as  any 
girl  we  ever  saw.  When  Brignoli  got  out  of  breath,  Carle- 
ton  began  to  tell  her  that  Brig,  had  been  lying  to  her,  that 
his  clams  were  made  of  India  rubber,  and  she  could  never 
digest  them  in  the  wide  world,  and  he  wound  up  by  telling 
her  she  could  have  his  clams  at  ten  per  cent,  discount  fo» 
cash.  By  this  time  she  was  about  as  mad  as  she  could  be, 
and  she  pitched  into  both  of  them,  looked  cross,  and  sung 
like  blazes,  went  away  up  the  musical  step  ladder  to  zero, 
and  wound  up  by  telling  them  both,  to  their  face,  that  she 
would  see  them  in  Chicago  before  she  would  buy  a  con- 
demned clam.  And  then  they  all  went  off  the  stage  as 
though  they  had  been  having  a  regular  fight,  and  Brignoli 
acted  as  though  he  would  like  to  eat  her  raw.  That's  the 
way  it  seemed  to  us,  but  we  are  no  musician. 


Trustworthy  advices  from  the  city  of  Mexico,  says  a  dis- 
patch, shows  that  the  country  is  on  the  verge  of  serious 
trouble.  Now,  there  is  stability  for  you  — there  is  stick-to- 
itiveness — there  is,  we  may  say,  tenacity  for  you.  Other  na- 
tions which  find  themselves  on  the  verge  of  serious  trouble, 
fidget  around  and  get  up  a  fuss,  and  can't  keep  still.  But  it 
is  not  so  with  Mexico.  Ah,  no.  When  Mexico  finds  her- 
self on  the  verge  of  serious  trouble,  she  sits  right  down  in  the 
sand  and  dangles  her  feet  over  the  verge,  and  she  looks  aloft 
and  is  firm  and  fearless  of  heart.  Go  there  twenty  years, 
forty  years  or  fifty  years  afterwards — go  there  with  a  hanker- 
chief  tied  over  your  ..'yes,  so  you  can't  see  a  thing — feel  your 
way  cautiously  along  until  you  come  to  the  verge,  of  serious 
trouble — you  touch  something.  It  is  Mexico.  And  she 
has  been  there  all  the  while, 


155 

1O3ABLY  BROKE  UP  THE  BALL. 


A  party  of  well  meaning  young  people  from  Ripon  nearly 
broke  up  a  dance  at  Hazen's  cheese  factory,  out  in  the 
country  a  spell  ago.  The  people  around  there  are  quiet, 
sober  country  people,  who  confine  themselves,  in  dancing, 
to  plain  quadrilles  and  country  dances,  with  an  occasional 
monnie  musk,  or  a  plain  waltz.  These  young. Ripon  people 
are  on  the  dance  bigger  than  a  wolf,  and  they  have  learned 
all  the  Boston  dips,  and  Saratoga  bends,  and  Newport  colic 
dances,  and  everything  new.  There  is  one  dance  they  have 
learned  which  is  peculiar,  to  say  the  least.  It  is  a  species 
of  waltz,  but  the  couple  gets  together  so  odd  that  a  person 
that  sees  it  for  the  first  time  just  leans  against  something 
and  fans  himself.  When  the  music  strikes  up  a  waltz  the 
young  man  opens  his  arms  and  doubles  himself  up  like  a 
boy  with  cholera  infantum,  his  hind  leg  cramps  and  his 
head  lops  over  on  one  side,  and  he  looks  sick,  his  back 
humps  up  like  a  case  of  chronic  inflammatory  rheumatism, 
and  he  is  ready.  The  girl  who  is  with  him,  when  he  begins 
to  have  spasms,  at  once  seems  to  go  into  a  trance.  Her 
back  gets  up  like  a  cat,  she  bends  over  towards  him,  her 
forward  leg  gets  out  of  joint  at  the  knee,  her  neck  takes  a 
cramp,  her  mouth  opens  and  she  lolls,  her  eyes  roll  like  a 
steer  that  has  turned  the  yoke,  and  just  before  she  dies,  she 
falls  into  the  arms  of  the  deceased,  and  they  are  ready. 
For  a  moment  they  stand  and  squirm  like  angleworms  on  a 
hook,  and  froth  at  the  mouth,  and  look,  as  they  stand 
there,  like  a  pile  driver  that  has  been  run  into  by  an  engine. 
They  teeter  up  and  down  a  little,  and  then  fly  off  on  a  tan- 
gent, and  they  flop  around  in  unexpected  places  among  the 
other  dancers,  jump  like  a  box  car,  bump  against  other 
couples,  and  at  every  bump  they  are  driven  closer  together, 
until  they  are  so  near  that  it  does  seem  as  though  they  will 
have  to  be  pried  apart  with  a  handspike  ;  they  look  into 
each  other's  eyes  as  though  they  would  bite,  and  they  keep 
going  around  till  their  backs  are  broke.  Well,  a  party  of 
these  kind  of  dancers  went  to  the  cheese  factory  where  the 
country  people  were  gathered,  and  after  dancing  a  few 
quadrilles,  the  fiddlers  struck  up  an  old  fashioned  waltz. 
While  the  visiting  dancers  were  going  into  spasms  to  get 
ready  to  wade  in,  the  floor  filled  with  the  country  couples, 


156 

who  were  waltzing  around  «ld  fashioned,  when  all  of  a  sud- 
den those  Ripon  people  began  to  work.  They  flopped 
across  the  cheese  factory,  knocked  down  a  couple  from 
Pickett's  Corners,  caromed  on  a  fellow  and  his  girl  from 
Brandon  and  sent  them  against  a  barrel  of  lemonade, 
glanced  across  the  hall  and  struck  an  old  lady  amidships 
that  had  just  started  to  call  her  girl  off  the  floor  because  she 
was  afraid  the  girl  would  catch  them  Ripon  cramps,  knocked 
her  under  a  bench,  where  she  lay  and  called  for  her  hus- 
band, Isaiah,  to  come  and  pick  her  up  in  a  basket.  In  less 
than  two  minutes  all  the  other  dancers  hauled  off,  and 
stood  on  benches  and  looked  at  them.  Some  of  the  coun- 
try girls  hid  their  heads  and  said  they  wanted  to  go  home. 
The  visitors  slid  around  the  hall,  caught  each  other  on 
the  fly,  run  the  bases,  and  come  under  the  wire  neck  and 
neck,  just  as  the  man  who  played  second  fiddle  fell  over  the 
base  viol  in  a  dead  faint,  and  the  man  that  played  the  pic- 
calo  rolled  under  the  music  stand,  stricken  with  apoplexy. 
The  manager  of  the  dance  called  a  constable  who  was  pres- 
ent, and  told  him  to  arrrest  the  party,  and  handcuff  them 
and  take  them  to  the  Oshkosh  insane  asylum,  where  they 
had  escaped.  The  young  men  explained  that  they  were 
not  crazy,  and  that  it  was  only  a  new  kind  of  dance,  and 
they  were  reluctantly  allowed  to  remain,  on  condition  that 
they  "wouldn't  cut  up  any  more  of  them  city  monkey  shines, 
not  afore  folks." 


Some  persons  must  have  trifled  with  the  feelings  of  the 
Madison  Democrat  when  he  was  here,  as  he  abuses  our  omni- 
bus line  terribly.  He  says  "the  omnibusses  are  about  twenty- 
five  feet  long,  covered  with  patched  rags,  and  drawn  by  four 
legged  snails."  Nothing  could  be  more  unjust.  The  omni- 
busses here  are  the  finest  in  the  world,  and  are  all  drawn 
by  horses  that  have  a  record  below  2:35.  We  learn  that 
some  boys  took  the  agent  of  the  Democrat  riding  in  a  meat 
wagon  that  is  used  to  convey  offal  from  the  slaughter  houses, 
and  told  him  it  was  an  omnibus.  We  have  otten  felt  that 
the  boys  were  wrong  in  playing  these  practical  jokes  on 
verdant  people.  This  man  may  be  a  high-minded,  sensitive 
person,  who  will  always  regret  that  he  came  to  La  Crosse, 
when  he  knows  how  he  was  trifled  with,  and  we  trust  this 
will  be  the  last  of  such  work. 


157 

A  MAD  MTNTSTEB. 


There  is  probably  the  maddest  minister  living  at  Black 
River  Falls,  that  can  be  found  in  America  to-day.  He  is  a 
real  nice  man,  and  his  name  is  Burt  Wheeler.  He  preaches 
good  sound  sense,  and  everybody  likes  him.  He  has  got 
friends  at  Neillsville,  and  all  around  there.  At  Black  River 
Falls  there  is  no  license,  and  liquor  is  unknown,  while  at 
Neillsville  there  is  license,  and  one  can  have  benzine  at 
every  meal.  The  other  day  the  express  took  a  jug  from 
Neillsville  to  the  Falls,  directed  to  the  reverend  gentleman, 
and  on  the  card  attached  to  the  jug  handle  was  the  follow- 
ing notice : 

"Ola  Bourbon. — We  have  license  here,  and  knowing  you 
have  none  in  your  town  we  thought  it  but  kindness  to  re- 
member your  wants." 

When  a  jug,  or  a  keg  arrives  at  the  Falls  by  express, 
every  citizen  notices  it,  and  they  investigate,  and  when  the 
jug  came  into  the  express  office  the  expressman  winked,  and 
in  a  few  minutes  half  the  population  of  the  darling  little 
village  was  there.  They  read  the  note  on  the  card  and 
winked  at  each  other.  One  man  as  he  took  a  piece  of  cut 
sugar  out  of  a  barrel,  said  he  had  long  suspected  that  Burt 
liked  his  toddy.  Another  fellow,  picking  a  mouthful  off  a 
codfish,  remarked  that  you  couldn't  always  tell  about  these 
confounded  ministers.  Frank  Cooper,  the  editor  of  the 
Banner,  though  he  looked  pained  when  he  saw  the  name 
"Old  Bourbon"  on  the  jug,  and  noticed  the  immense  size 
of  the  jug,  remarked  that  it  was  the  best  way  not  to  con- 
demn a  man  till  the  returns  were  all  in.  The  reverend  gen- 
tleman was  interrupted  in  his  preparation  of  his  sermon  by 
a  neighboring  lady  who  just  dropped  in  to  tell  the  news,  and 
when  she  sighed  and  told  him  that  his  jug  of  whisky  which 
he  had  ordered  from  Neillsville,  was  in  the  express  office,  he 
could  hardly  believe  his  ears.  He  had  always,  to  the  best 
of  his  knowledge  and  belief,  tried  to  lead  a  different  life,  and 
this  was  too  much — too  much  bourbon.  Scratching  out 
the  last  line  that  he  had  written,  which  was  something 
about  something  biting  like  an  anaconda,  and  stinging  like 
a  ready  reckoner,  he  put  on  his  coat  and  started  down 
town,  resolved  to  face  the  multitude,  conscious  of  his  inno- 
cence. He  approached  the  express  office  a  littk  nervous, 


158 

THe  crowd  •  filled  the  street,  and  as  he  passed  a  raftsman 
with  red  breeches  on,  said  he  wouldn't  have  such  a  nose  as 
that  on  him  for  a  hundred  dollars.  "He  is  full  now,"  said 
another,  as  the  ReVerand  gentleman  put  his  hand  on  an 
awning  post  to  steady  himself  in  the  trying  emergency.  A 
man  who  was  sitting  on  a  salt  barrel,  whittling  a  shingle, 
and  who  had  one  trowsers  leg  tucked  in  his  boot,  and  a  red 
sash  around  him,  said  if  it  could  be  proved  that  Wheeler 
was  a  drinking  man  it  would  be  a  hard  blow  at  religion,  but 
he  didn't  know  as  he  cared  a  blank,  anyway.  The  elder 
went  in  the  express  office  and  the  crowd  fell  back  to  give 
the  chief  mourner  a  chance  to  look  at  the  late  lamented. 
There  was  a  different  expression  on  every  face.  Some 
looked  as  though  they  were  glad  he  had  been  caught  in  the 
act,  while  others  wore  a  mournful  expression,  as  though 
they  had  been  suddenly  bereaved.  He  was  pale,  yet  de- 
termined, and  as  he  read  the  inscription  he  said,  so  help  him 
John  Rogers,  he  had  never  ordered  any  whisky,  and  never 
drank  any,  and  didn't  know  anything  about  this  jug.  Turn- 
ing to  those  present  he  said :  "This  is  some  horrid  night- 
mare." The  expressman  said  it  was  no  nightmare,  it  was 
whisky.  Wheeler  said  if  the  charges  were  paid  he  would 
take  it,  and  taking  the  jug  out  doors  he  raised  it  high  in  the 
air  and  dashed  it  upon  the  pavement,  amid  the  applause  of 
his  friends.  At  this  point  Hon.  Wm.  T.  Price  come  along, 
and  was  told  what  had  happened.  He  looked  at  the  amber 
liquid  oozing  down  between  the  stones  on  the  pavement, 
put  his  finger  in  some  of  it,  smelled  of  it,  touched  it  to  his 
tongue,  and  turning  to  the  yet  pale  and  excited  Reverend, 
he  said : 

"  Wheeler,  you  have  maintained  a  noble  principle,  but 
you  have  destroyed  four  gallons  of  the  d — dest  finest  maple 
syrup  that  was  ever  brewed  in  Clark  county." 

It  was  true,  Doc.  French,  and  Tom  Reed,  of  Neillsville, 
two  good  friends  of  the  Rev.  Wheeler,  had  sent  him  the 
syrup,  knowing  that  he  could  use  it  in  his  family,  and  being 
jokers  they  had  put  the  bourbon  card  on  the  jug,  just  for 
fun,  with  the  alleged  result  above  stated.  Temperance  men 
should  always  smell  of  the  cork,  at  least,  before  mashing  the 
jug.  We  have  practiced  that  a  good  many  years,  and  never 
lost  a  gallon  of  maple  syrup. 


159 

A  SAFE  INVESTMENT. 


Up  to  the  present  time  THE  SUN  has  struggled  along 
from  infancy  to  middle  age,  without  a  safe  in  its  office.  It 
has  never  needed  one.  It  does  not  need  one  now,  but 
custom  has  much  to  do  with  these  things.  The  associa- 
tions that  surround  one,  go  far  towards  making  these 
changes.  When  we  look  at  the  immense  safes  in  the 
office  of  our  neighbor,  filled  with  bonds  and  mortgages,  we 
feel  that  a  safe  will  look  well.  So  we  purchased  a  sort  of  an 
iron  range,  with  a  nickle  plated  knob,  and  a  lock  with  as 
many  figures  on  it  as  a  tax  list  or  a  lottery  advertisement, 
and  placed  it  where  it  will  strike  the  visitor  on  his  first  en- 
trance. Ah,  what  an  imposing  affair  it  is.  As  we  lean  back 
in  a  chair  and  look  at  it,  and  close  our  eyes,  we  can  see 
millions  in  it,  in  our  mind.  It  is  a  cross  between  Alex. 
Mitchell's  safe,  and  a  child's  bank.  It  is  not  full,  but  it  has 
evidently  been  taking  something.  It  is  a  grand  feeling  to 
walk  along  the  streets  and  feel  that  your  head  contains  the 
secret  which  opens  the  safe.  No  one  but  yourself  and  your 
maker,  and  the  maker  of  the  safe,  knows  the  three  numbers, 
which  will  cause  it  to  open.  The  numbers  are  safe  with 
you,  and  the  All  Seeing  Eye  you  have  confidence  will  not 
give  it  away,  so  that  the  only  show  that  a  burglar  has  is  to 
get  solid  with  the  maker  of  the  safe. 

What  a  piece  of  mechanism  is  the  lock  of  a  safe.  The 
man  we  bought  it  of  gave  us  the  programme  that  opens  it. 
You  go  to  the  dial,  turn  the  knob,  put  your  finger  by  your 
nose  and  wink.  If  you  leave  out  the  wink,  the  safe  will  not 
open,  but  we  never  leave  out  the  wink.  The  trouble  is,  if 
there  is  a  lady  customer  in  with  a  bill,  and  we  go  to  open 
the  safe,  we  wink  too  many  times  and  have  to  go  all  over  it 
again.  Then  we  place  the  numbers  in  their  order,  4-11-44, 
and  when  the  "four"  is  exactly  opposite  the  dipthong,  we 
turn  the  knob  back  three  revolutions,  light  a  cigar  and  walk 
three  times  around  the  room.  That  is  to  give  the  mechan- 
ism in  the  inside  time  to  coalesce.  Then  we  put  the 
"eleven"  in  its  place,  turn  the  knop  forward  one  revolution, 
and  put  on  our  hat  and  go  out  and  take  a  drink.  That  is 
in  the  programme,  and  we  sometimes  think  the  inventor  of 
the  lock  is  interested  in  a  brewery.  Then  we  come  back, 
wipe  our  mustache  on  Ihe  tail  of  a  linen  coat,  place  the  fig- 


160 

ares  "44"  directly  over  the  pointer,  whistle  "There's  a.  land 
that  is  fairer  than  this,"  place  the  right  foot  forward,  then 
turn  the  knob,  the  door  swings  on  its  hinges,  and  the  untold 
wealth  of  the  Indies  lies  before  us,  in  our  alleged  mind. 

O,  safe,  are  you  honest  ?  Are  you  true  to  us  ?  You 
look  pure  and  chaste,  and  your  new  overskirt  of  varnish, 
and  your  puffed  niching  of  gold  and  blue,  sets  you  off  to 
good  advantage,  but  you  may  not  be  impregnable.  You 
have  always  gone  in  good  society,  and  no  scandal  has  ever 
been  attached  to  your  name.  Your  purity  and  innocence 
has  been  remarked  by  all  who  have  met  you,  and  there 
are  none  who  would  dare  to  intimate  but  that  you  would 
maintain  your  reputation  against  any  attack,  but  sometimes 
we  think  we  should  hesitate  to  leave  you  all  alone,  with  the 
light  turned  down,  all  night  and  over  Sunday,  in  the  com- 
pany of  an  eloquent,  pursuasive,  good  looking  burglar, 
armed  with  a  Jimmy,  and  we  fear  that  his  warm  hearted 
can  of  powder  would  strike  a  responsive  chord  in  your  im- 
pulsive nature,  and  that  you  would  yield  up  the  jewels  con- 
fided to  you,  and  your  honor,  your  reputation,  your  stand- 
ing among  safes  would  be  forever  ruined.  And  yet  we  may 
be  wrong. 

But  what  would  it  profit  a  burglar  to  gain  the  whole  con- 
tents, and  wear  out  his  soles  ?  If  he  got  in  that  sate,  he 
would  find  a  package  of  bills  that  we  have  tried  for  a  year 
to  collect,  and  we  would  give  him  the  bills  if  he  asked  for 
them,  and  he  could  save  his  powder.  He  would  find  one 
bill  of  sixteen  dollars,  with  an  endorsement  that  one  dollar 
is  paid,  after  thirteen  dollars  worth  of  shoe  leather  had  been 
worn  out.  And  yet  the  burglar  would  have  a  soft  thing  on 
cigars  with  that  bill,  for  everytime  he  visited  the  doctor  he 
would  tell  him  when  to  come  again,  and  give  him  a  cigar. 
Another  thing  the  burglar  would  find  would  be  a  protested 
draft  from  a  great  Philadelphia  patent  medicine  advertiser. 
The  burglar  could  take  a  tie  pass  that  is  in  the  safe,  and 
walk  to  Philadelphia,  and  trade  out  the  twenty-five  dollar 
draft,  by  taking  Buchu  on  account. 

But  no  burglar  that  has  any  respect  for  himself,  we  feel 
sure,  will  ever  do  us  the  injury  to  scrape  the  paint  off  of 
that  safe. 


161 

AGRICULTURAL    ADDRESS. 
(The  following  Address  was  delivered  at  the  Berlin  Fair,  held  Sept.  13, 1878.] 

FELLOW  CITIZENS  :  Were  I  to  assert  that  I  am  not  proud 
to  be  called  from  my  home  by  "  the  beautiful  Michigan 
Sea,"  as  the  poet  calls  it,  to  talk  to  you  upon  a  subject  that 
is  dear  to  all  of  us,  I  should  tell  a  campaign  lie.  I  feel  hon- 
ored that  you  have  selected  me  from  among  all  the  states- 
men, who  at  this  season  of  the  year  are  looking  out  for  the 
interests  of  the  farmers,  because  I  believe  you  have  a  desire 
to  pay  tribute  to  advanced  ideas  of  agriculture.  How 
pleasant  it  is  for  neighbors  to  get  together  at  a  stated  period 
each  year,  when  the  summer  is  past  and  the  harvest  is  ended, 
to  compare  notes,  and  see  who  is  paying  the  most  interest, 
to  place  upon  exhibition  your  handiwork,  enter  into  a  pleas- 
ant rivalry  as  to  whose  horned  cattle  shall  bear  off  the  blue 
and  red  millinery  ribbons,  to  size  up  your  pumpkins,  observe 
how  beautiful  other  people's  bed  quilts  would  have  been  if 
they  had  been  made  after  your  pattern,  speculate  upon  how 
much  wheat  you  would  have  raised  to  the  acre  if  it  hadn't 
been  for  the  chinch  bugs,  admire  the  fast-steppers  as  they 
haul  two  wheeled,  round  shouldered  men  around  the  circular 
highway,  so  near  like  a  horse  race  that  you  couldn't  tell  the 
difference,  unless  you  knew  positively  that  it  was  an  agricul- 
tural exhibition,  and  to  go  home  with  the  firm  conviction 
that  each  man  has  on  his  farm  better  articles  than  were  ex- 
hibited by  anybody. 

I  will  not  waste  valuable  time  by  the  stereotyped  allusions 
to  this  beautiful  country,  the  Garden  of  Eden  where  we  all 
live,  a  land  that  is  fairer  than  all  the  other  lands  in  the  world, 
except  a  few  drawbacks,  nor  to  compliment  everybody  upon 
everything  they  have  done  or  left  undone,  as  is  the  custom. 
This  land  of  the  free  is  good  enough,  if  we  make  it  good, 
and  if  we  make  it  bad,  it  is  just  as  bad  as  any  country  under 
the  sun.  It  all  depends  on  how  the  people  act. 

The  object  that  every  man  has  in  view,  whether  he  be 
farmer,  mechanic,  preacher,  politician,  editor  or  tiamp,  is  to 
make  money.  The  farmer  looks  kindly  upon  any  scheme 
that  promises  to  increase  his  crops,  lighten  his  labor,  or 
make  more  valuable  that  which  he  raises;  the  mechanic  is 
not  vexed  to  have  his  wages  raised,  and  kicks  like  a  man 
when  they  are  cut  down ;  the  preacher  between  sermons  is 


162 

thinking  of  a  land  that  is  fairer  than  this,  where  the  wicked 
cease  from  troubling  and  they  never  spring  a  donation  party 
on  the  unwary,  the  politician  is  looking  at  his  feet  to  see  if 
they  will  fit  the"  shoes  of  another  politician  whose  place  is 
coveted,  and  whose  salary  is  the  chief  end  of  man,  theeditoi 
is  looking  out  for  the  main  chance,  totally  regardless  of  the 
color,  race,  or  previous  condition  of  the  man  whose  money 
flows  into  his  coffers,  and  the  tramp  is  the  most  independent 
of  the  whole  lot,  if  he  has  a  meal  in  his  haversack  and  the 
walking  is  good  to  the  next  town.  All  are  cast  in  the  same 
mold,  and  all  mean  to  do  the  fair  thing  as  near  as  they  can. 

The  farmer  has  more  to  contend  with  than  all  others,  be- 
cause his  interests  are  more  diversified.  And  it  is  right  to 
have  a  diversity  of  interests,  as  the  right  card  is  liable  to 
turn  up  somewhere.  If  a  farmer's  wheat  is  killed  by  rain, 
he  is  consoled  by  the  fact  that  rain  is  just  what  his  corn 
needs.  If  his  cattle  die  of  disease,  his  consolation  lies  in 
the  hope  that  pork  will  bring  a  good  price.  If  boys  steal 
his  watermelons,  he  knows  by  experience  that  they  will  have 
the  cholera  morbus.  So  everything  that  is  unpleasant  has 
its  compensation. 

We  should  study  how  to  prevent  the  calamities  that  befall 
crops,  and  experiment  on  preventatives.  For  instance,  now, 
about  the  rusting  of  wheat.  Is  there  not  something  that 
can  prevent  that  staple  product  from  rusting?  If  I  was  a 
farmer  and  had  a  large  field  of  wheat,  and  there  should 
seem  to  be  indications  of  rust,  I  would  take  a  piece  of  flan- 
nel cloth,  saturate  it  with  sweet  oil,  and  go  over  it  myself, 
and  wipe  off  the  rust.  Such  a  process  will  work  wonders  on 
a  shot  gun.  Why  will  it  not  do  on  a  field  of  wheat?  This 
may  seem  impracticable  to  some,  and  may  be  scoffed  at, 
but  we  must  remember  that  every  new  idea  that  has  been 
advanced  by  scientific  men  has  been  laughed  to  scorn,  until 
it  proved  successful. 

Again,  it  is  admitted  that  the  rusting  of  wheat  is  caused 
by  rain  and  sunshine,  spread  on  a  little  too  thick.  Nature 
furnishes  rain  and  sunshine,  but  she  does  not  at  all  times 
place  them  where  they  will  do  the  most  good.  She  seems 
'to  depend  upon  man  to  utilize  what  she  furnishes.  Now, 
why  not  erect  awnings  over  a  field  of  wheat,  made  so  as  to 
be  rolled  up  when  you  desire  the  sun,  or  rolled  down  when 
you  have  got  enough  ?  You  arrange  to  control  the  elements 


163 

of  nature  on  your  cranberry  marshes,  why  not  buy  striped 
tent  cloth,  and  control  the  sun  and  rain  on  your  wheat 
fields  ?  These  tents  would  add  to  the  appearance  of  a  farm, 
and  make  a  good  place  for  tramps  to  sleep.  Before  leaving 
the  subject  of  wheat,  permit  me  to  allude  to  the  oft  repeated 
cry  of  chinch  bugs.  It  does  seem  to  me  that  those  bugs 
can  be  summarily  disposed  of  at  very  little  expense.  Most 
farmers  have  relf-raking  reapers.  It  would  be  but  little 
trouble  to  attach  fine  tooth  combs  to  the  arm  that  holds  the 
rake,  and  go  over  the  field  and  comb  the  bugs  out  of  the 
heads  of  ihe  grain,  as  is  done  on  a  smaller  scale  at  an  early 
period  in  the  existence  of  nearly  every  man.  If  this  method 
is  considered  too  wearing  upon  the  thumb  nails,  a  solution 
can  be  procured  at  a  drug  store  that  will  destroy  chinch 
bugs  or  kill  every  head  of  wheat. 

These  suggestions  are  crude,  but  they  are  thrown  out  in 
the  hope  that  the  inventive  genius  of  the  land  will  find  an 
idea  that  can  be  improved  upon.  The  elements,  rain  and 
sun,  and  wind,  and  cold  are  at  times  against  us,  and  there 
is  no  rule  that  can  be  adopted  that  will  succeed  always,  and 
we  get  tangled  when  we  think  how  nature  sometimes  slops 
over.  For  instance,  up  in  La  Crosse  valley  this  spring  a 
farmer  got  drunk,  and  remained  drunk  three  weeks,  while 
all  his  neighbors  were  sowing  their  wheat,  and  he  never 
turned  a  furrow.  They  ail  pitied  him  and  his  family,  as  they 
looked  at  their  fields  of  wheat  all  dragged  in  nicely.  He 
sobered  up  about  the  time  that  wheat  was  sprouting,  and 
went  to  work  and  plowed  and  sowed.  The  result  was  that 
the  wheat  sown  early  was  destroyed  by  rain,  rust,  and  nine 
kinds  of  bugs,  and  they  never  cut  it  at  all,  while  the  drunk- 
en man  had  twenty-five  bushels  to  the  acre.  I  do  not  men- 
tion this  as  an  argument  in  favor  of  farmers  getting  drunk 
for  two  weeks  in  the  spring,  but  to  illustrate  how  uncertain 
everything  is  in  this  wicked  world. 

There  are  so  many  improvements  that  can  be  inaugarated 
on  a  farm  that  it  is  hard  to  tell  where  to  commence.  If  the 
awning  project  is  good  for  sun  and  rain,  why  is  not  a  gigan- 
tic street  sprinkler  a  good  thing  for  drouth,  where  a  farmer 
is  not  provided  with  water  works  and  hose  ?  With  a  sprink- 
ler the  field  could  be  kept  wet,  and  the  time  occupied  would 
keep  the  farmer  from  going  to  town  with  a  two  horse  team 
to  buy  a  spool  of  thread. 


164 

It  is  a  pleasure  to  every  true  friend  of  agriculture  to  se« 
the  change  that  has  come  over  Wisconsin  in  the  last  few- 
years  in  the  matter  of  stock.  Not  many  years  ago  the 
average  farmer  seemed  to  think  a  four  legged  creature  with 
hair  and  horns,  that  would  give  milk,  and  come  up  nights, 
was  a  cow,  and  that  there  could  be  no  improvement.  To- 
day there  is  hardly  a  farmer  but  that  has  some  blooded 
stock,  and  the  days  of  the  old  crockery  crate  cow,  that 
wouldn't  get  fat,  are  numbered.  The  old  cow,  with  her 
skim  milk,  has  been  sold  to  the  butcher,  and  in  her  place  is 
found  the  round,  fat,  sleek  aristocratic  cow,  that  acts  just  as 
though  she  was  offended  if  the  company  that  visits  the 
farmer's  house  did  not  pay  a  compliment  to  her.  On  many 
farms  blooded  stock  give  receptions  regularly,  and  entertain 
guests  in  a  royal  manner.  Farmers  have  found  that  it  pays 
to  raise  good  stock,  and  it  is  much  pleasanter  to  have  the 
cattle  buyer  come  to  your  place  and  beg  you  to  sell  him 
stock,  and  keep  offering  you  higher  prices,  when  you  don't 
want  to  sell,  than  to  lead  an  old  brindle  cow  to  market, 
looking  as  though  her  sides  were  wash  boards  covered  with 
an  old  buffalo  robe,  and  sell  her  for  twelve  dollars  and  take 
half  of  the  pay  in  wagon  grease  and  clothes  pins  out  of  the 
store.  And  if  it  pays  to  raise  blooded  stock,  why  not  go  in- 
to it  more  extensively?  There  is  no  end  to  the  money  that 
can  be  made.  Why  not  go  to  raising* elephants?  A  good 
elephant  will  sell  for  eight  thousand  dollars.  A  pair  of  ele- 
phants can  be  bought  by  a  community  of  farmers  pooling 
their  issues  and  getting  a  start,  and  in  a  few  years  every  farm 
can  be  a  menagerie  of  its  own,  and  every  year  we  can  rake 
in  from  eight  to  twenty-four  thousand  dollars  from  the  sale 
of  surplus  elephants.  It  may  be  said  that  elephants  are 
hearty  feeders,  and  that  they  would  go  through  an  ordinary 
farmer  in  a  short  time.  Well,  they  can  be  turned  out  into 
the  highway  to  browse,  and  earn  their  own  living.  This 
elephant  theory  is  a  good  one,  and  any  man  that  is  good  on 
figures  can  sit  down  and  figure  up  a  profit  in  a  year  suffi- 
cient to  go  into  bankruptcy. 

The  artificial  propagation  of  fish  has  attracted  much  atten- 
tion of  late  years,  and  the  success  of  experiments  has  shown 
that  every  farmer  that  has  a  stream  of  water  on  his  land  can 
raise  fish  enough  to  get  rich  in  five  years,  four  months,  and 
twenty-one  days.  The  hatching  of  fish  eggs  has  become  an 


165 

important  factor  in  the  food  production  of  the  country,  and 
many  farmers  whose  "setting  around"  has  heretofore  pro- 
duced nothing  but  patches  on  the  elbows  of  the  pants,  has 
found  that  the  noble  industry  of  "setting"  is  productive  of 
much  wealth.  There  is  no  labor  in  hatching  fish.  All  you 
have  to  do  is  to  procure  eggs,  place  them  in  the  water,  and 
let  nature  take  its  course.  A  farmer  who  has  a  good  fish 
pond  is  an  object  of  interest,  and  he  will  find  that  visits  from 
city  friends  with  fish  poles  will  be  too  numerous  to  mention. 
To  raise  fish  successfully  a  man  needs  a  well  intentioned 
bull  dog  and  a  shot  gun  that  goes  off  accidentally  when  it 
is  not  loaded.  The  artificial  propagation  of  amphibious  ani- 
mals will  follow  the  success  of  raising  fish,  and  the  time  is 
not  far  distant  when  every  farmer  whose  farm  is  located  on 
the  Fox  River,  will  have  a  school  of  hippopotamuses.  These 
animals  are  easy  to  raise,  and  can  be  artificially  propagated, 
and  the  selling  price  is  quoted  at  $25,000.  From  the  sale 
of  two  or  three  good  hippopotamuses  a  year  the  farmer  would 
become  more  independent  than  if  he  owned  a  brewery. 

Many  farmers  are  discovering  that  there  is  plenty  of 
money  in  the  dairy  business,  and  butter  is  getting  to  be  an 
everyday  occurrence,  and  cheese  fills  a  want  long  felt. 
However,  many  men  go  into  the  cheese  business  that  do 
not  understand  it,  and  the  consequences  are  that  the  market 
is  full  of  cheese  that  does  not  average  well.  Some  pick 
their  cheese  before  it  is  ripe,  while  others  let  it  remain  on 
the  vines  until  it  will  drive  a  tramp  out  of  a  smoking  car.  If 
there  is  any  doubt  as  to  a  cheese  being  ripe  it  should  be 
plugged.  If  the  core  is  red,  and  it  looks  like  a  nice,  cool 
summer  resort  in  there,  it  is  safe  to  pick  it.  A  Bohemian 
on  the  train  last  night  had  some  cheese  in  his  vest  pocket 
that  was  too  ripe,  and  the  conductor  had  to  disinfect  the 
car,  and  order  the  Bohemian  to  be  quarantined  before  the 
train  would  be  allowed  to  enter  the  city.  Cheese  is  all 
right  in  its  place,  but  it  don't  want  to  be  allowed  to  lay 
above  ground  too  long  after  it  has  departed  this  life.  If 
farmers  will  pay  a  little  attention  to  cheese  in  its  different 
stages,  much  trouble  can  be  avoided.  In  union  there  is 
strength.  So  there  is  in  a  smoking  car. 

There  is  an  industry,  my  friends,  that  seems  to  be  entirely 
monopolized  by  one  or  two  counties  in  the  southern  part  of 
the  State,  in  which  more  money  can  be  made,  acco 


166 

the  investment,  than  in  any  other  species  of  agriculture.  I 
allude  to  the  raising  of  wolves,  in  order  to  sell  the  scalps  to 
the  state.  You  devote  a  good  deal  of  time  and  labor  to  the 
raising  of  sheep,  and  what  do  you  get  for  it.  The  best 
sheep  cannot  lay  more  than  eight  pounds  of  wool  in  a  sea- 
son, and  even  if  you  get  fifty  cents  a  pounds  for  it,  you  have 
not  got  any  great  bonanza.  Now,  the  state  encourages  the 
raising  of  wolves,  by  offering  a  bounty  of  ten  dollars  for  a 
piece  of  skin  off  the  the  head  of  each  wolf.  It  does  not 
cost  any  more  to  raise  a  wolf  than  it  does  to  raise  a  sheep, 
and  while  sheep  rarely  raise  more  than  two  lambs  a  year,  a 
pair  of  good  wolves  are  liable  to  raise  twenty  young  ones  in 
the  course  of  a  year,  if  it  is  a  good  year  for  wolves.  In  ad- 
dition to  the  encouragement  offered  by  the  state,  many 
counties  give  as  much  more,  so  that  one  wolf  scalp  will 
bring  more  money  than  five  sheep.  You  will  readily  see 
that  our  wise  legislators  are  offering  inducements  to  you 
that  you  should  be  thankful  for.  You  can  establish  a  wclf 
orchard  on  any  farm,  and  with  a  pair  of  good  wolves  to 
start  on,  there  is  millions  in  it.  The  cultivation  of  the  wolf 
is  bound  to  become  a  leading  industry  in  other  counties,  as 
it  has  already  become  in  Grant  and  Crawford  counties.  The 
scalp  of  a  wolf  is  legal  tender  anywhere.  They  will  live  on 
any  soil,  and  since  the  new  process  has  been  discovered 
which  causes  hair  to  grow  on  a  bald  headed  wolf,  it  is  not 
impossible  to  grow  two  or  three  scalps  a  year  on  each  wolf, 
and  get  from  the  state  and  county  twenty  dollars  for  each 
scalp.  A  small  flock  of  wolves  is  better  than  a  large  flock  of 
sheep.  It  will  pay  to  raise  sheep  simply  as  food  for  wolves. 
This  subject  of  wolf  culture  is  receiving  great  attention,  and 
as  the  editor  of  an  agricultural  paper,  I  am  constantly  in 
receipt  of  letters  asking  where  a  good  article  of  wolves  can 
be  obtained  for  seed.  I  have  the  address  of  an  eminent  wolf 
culturist  that  I  will  furnish  to  any  farmer  wHo  desires  to  go 
into  wolf  culture.  I  would,  however,  warn  you  against 
disreputable  parties  who  are  raising  a  breed  of  dogs  that  so 
nearly  resemble  wolves  that  in  many  instances  the  state  au- 
thorities have  been  deceived  into  paying  bounties  on  their 
scalps.  This  is  wrong,  and  is  almost  equal  to  passing  a 
ninety  cent  dollar  on  to  an  unsuspecting  greenbacker.  As 
farmers,  we  cannot  be  too  careful  about  engaging  in  any 
deception.  Such  conduct  is  on  a  par  with  placing  a  stone 


167 

in  a  crock  of  butter,  or  hiding  a  boy,  weighing  one  hundred 
pounds,  in  a  load  of  hay,  and  selling  him  by  the  ton,  as  is 
often  done  at  Oshkosh. 

The  raising  of  watermelons  is  becoming  an  important  in- 
dustry in  this  State,  and  no  county  is  better  adapted  to  the 
business  than  Green  Lake  County.  Your  warm,  genial  soil, 
and  pure  air  is  what  the  watermelon  needs  while  in  the  pro- 
cess of  incubation.  However,  there  is  one  drawback  to  the 
watermelon  that  is  causing  it  to  lose  ground,  and  that  is  the 
prevalence  of  cholera  morbus  in  its  vital  parts.  If  some 
farmer  can  experiment  and  raise  a  species  of  watermelon 
that  is  safe  at  all  times,  that  will  not  innocently  take  posses- 
sion of  a  man,  and  in  such  a  moment  as  ye  think  not,  cause 
an  orangemen's  riot  to  take  place  in  nis  paragoric  regions, 
that  farmer  will  cause  a  monument  to  be  erected  to  his 
memory  with  a  shaft  higher  than  the  monument  to  Wash- 
ington. As  it  is  now  it  is  safer  to  curry  a  mule  than  to  eat 
watermelon.  What  the  country  needs  is  a  melon  from 
which  the  incendiary  ingredients  have  been  removed.  It 
seerns  to  me  that  by  proper  care,  when  the  melon  is  grow- 
ing on  the  vines,  the  cholera  morbus  can  be  decreased,  at 
least,  the  same  as  the  cranberry  has  been  improved,  by  cul- 
tivation. The  experiment  of  planting  homeopathic  pills  in 
the  hill  with  the  melon  has  been  tried,  but  homeopathy, 
while  perhaps  good  in  certain  cases,  does  not  seem  to  reach 
the  seat  of  disease  in  the  watermelon.  \\  hat  I  would  ad- 
vise, and  the  advice  is  free  to  all,  is  that  a  porous  plaster  be 
placed  upon  watermelons,  just  as  they  are  beginning  to  ri- 
pen, with  a  view  to  draw  out  the  cholera  morbus.  A  mus- 
tard plaster^might  have  the  same  effect,  but  the  porous  plas- 
ter seems  to  me  to  be  the  article  to  fill  a  want  long  felt.  If, 
by  this  means,  a  breed  of  watermelon  can  be  raised  that 
will  not  strike  terror  to  the  heart  of  the  consumer,  this  agri- 
cultural address  will  not  have  been  delivered  in  vain. 

If  it  would  not  be  considered  out  of  place  I  would  make 
a  few  remarks  on  a  subject  that  is  as  dear  to  us  farmers  as  to 
any  class  of  men,  and  that  is  the  currency  of  the  country. 
There  are  a  few  men  in  every  community  who  know  more 
about  finances  than  the  oldest  statesmen,  who  have  studied 
the  currency  question  for  a  lifetime,  and  they  will  sit  on  a 
wagon  box  in  your  barn  yard,  and  whittle  a  piece  of  shin- 
gle, or  a  corn  cob,  and  tell  you  that  a  piece  of  paper  with 


168 

a  proper  label  on  is  as  good  as  gold,  and  that  i'f  we 
can  have  enough  of  it  we  are  fixed.  It  is  too  true.  If  we 
have  enough  of  it  we  are  fixed  so  that  we  can  wear  our  old 
clothes  until  they  drop  off,  and  then  go  naked.  Paper  will 
not  do.  What  we  want  is  a  currency  that  every  farmer  can 
issue  for  himself.  A  law  should  be  passed  making  the  pro- 
ducts of  the  farm  a  legal  tender  for  all  debts,  public  and  pri- 
vate, including  duties  on  imports,  interest  on  the  public 
debt,  and  contributions  for  charitable  purposes.  Then  we 
shall  have  a  new  money  table  about  as  follows: 

Ten  ears  of  corn  make  one  cent. 

Ten  cucumbers  make  one  dime. 

Ten  watermelons  make  one  dollar. 

Ten  bushels  of  wheat  make  one  eagle. 
When  this  is  done  the  gentlemen  who  are  now  engaged 
in  canvassing  for  and  advocating  the  unlimited  issue  of  tis- 
sue paper  money,  will  find  their  occupation  gone,  and  they 
can  go  to  work  and  earn  cucumbers  and  other  currency. 
Then  it  will  be  a  great  day.  Then  we  can  hitch  up  our 
four  horse  teams,  put  sideboards  on  our  wagons,  and  take 
our  currency  to  town.  With  baskets  of  cucumbers  we  can 
purchase  our  dry  goods,  with  watermelons  we  can  strike 
terror  to  the  hearts  of  the  grocers,  and  the  banker  will  be 
obliged  to  take  our  pumpkins  and  squashes  on  deposit,  or 
be  arrested  for  treason,  and  when  the  tax  gatherer  comes 
around  we  can  give  him  a  check  on  the  bank  for  produce, 
which  he  in  turn  can  pay  into  the  State  treasury  for  the 
State  tax,  and  everything  will  be  lovely. 

It  is  often  remarked  and  believed  by  many,  that  farmers 
are  in  the  habit  of  grumbling  a  great  deal,  and  that  their 
tempers  are  not  the  most  amiable,  and  the  great  newspapers, 
whose  editors  do  not  know  a  plowshare  from  a  railroad 
share,  compare  the  farmers  with  the  grand  old  men  of  an- 
cient times,  the  patient  men.  I  do  not  wish  to  be  under- 
stood as  detracting  one  iota  from  the  sublime  patience  of  Job, 
but  where  would  Job's  patience  have  been  if  he  had,  when 
enjoying  those  historic  boils,  been  obliged  to  go  out  into  the 
barnyard  and  teach  a  calf  to  drink  out  of  a  tin  pail?  After 
the  calf  had  mashed  the  middle  finger  of  the  left  hand, 
tipped  over  the  pail  of  milk  on  Job's  trousers  legs,  bunted 
him  on  the  biggest  boil,  and  kicked  him  after  he  was  down, 
if  the  patient  Job  did  not  swear  the  shingles  off  the  barn, 


169 

he  would,  I  am  sure,  have  hired  an  orator  from  Milwaukee 
to  swear  a  little  for  him.  Or,  gentlemen,  imagine  Job  try- 
ing to  break  a  yoke  of  steers. 

Take  the  meek  Moses,  for  instance.  In  those  days  a  man 
could  afford  to  be  meek.  But  suppose  Moses  had  got  up 
some  winter  morning  and  found  six  feet  of  snow  between 
the  house  and  the  barn,  and  the  boys  all  gone  to  Ripon  to  a 
dance.  After  he  had  shoveled  the  snow  all  out,  and  was 
leaning  on  the  shovel,  wondering  if  it  was  going  to  be  much 
of  a  storm,  and  a  gust  of  wind  should  drift  the  snow  all 
back  into  the  path,  do  you  suppose,  now,  honestly,  that 
Moses  would  have  been  much  meeker  than  some  of  you? 
It  is  my  unbiased  judgment  that  he  would  have  gone  into 
the  house  and  pulled  off  his  boots  and  waited  for  those  con- 
founded boys  to  come  home. 

They  say  Methuselah  was  the  oldest  man.  Do  you  sup- 
pose he  was  any  older  than  some  of  the  farmers  of  the 
present  day  feel,  after  pitching  bundles  all  day  on  the  hurri- 
cane deck  of  a  threshing  machine?  Would  his  ancient 
back  ache  any  worse  than  backs  do  these  days  alter  mowing 
away  straw  ? 

\Ye  hear  of  the  wisdom  of  Solomon,  and  picture  in  our 
mind  a  man  who  knew  it  all,  and  who  never  got  mad  about 
anything.  Suppose  a  hired  man  had  run  away  with  Solo- 
mon's favorite  daughter,  and  got  married  over  at  Eureka, 
on  the  sly,  don't  you  suppose  the  old  man  would  have 
pranced  around  very  much  like  the  farmer  of  the  present 
day,  and  loaded  his  gun  with  buck-shot  ?  Or  suppose  Solo- 
mon's boys  should  have  gone  to  a  camp  meeting,. and  come 
back  after  he  had  got  the  all  the  chores  done,  smelling  like 
a  brewery,  do  you  suppose  Solomon's  wisdom  would  have 
been  able  to  account  for  it  ?. 

Suppose  that  Mrs.  Job  had  a  hired  gwl  that  was  perfect 
in  every  respect,  and  should  go  off  picking  cranberries  the 
day  before  the  threshers  came,  would  Mrs.  Job  have  been 
any  more  patient  than  our  farmers'  wives  of  the  present  day? 
I  am  aware  that  many  people  find  fault  because  there  is 
an  occasional  farmer  who  is  too  sharp  in  a  bargain,  but  as  a 
class  farmers  will  average  well  with  ministers  and  editors. 
Adam  \vas  the  first  man — that  ever  fixed  strawberry  boxes 
so  that  the  bottom  was  raised  up  two  inches.  It  was  not 
•that  he  wished  to  cheat  on  the  measure,  but  it  was  to  keep 


170 

the  berries  from  crushing.  And  when  he  took  the  first  lot 
to  market,  and  the  grocery  man  was  going  to  have  him  ar- 
rested,he  stood  up  like  a  man  and  said,  "I  caanot  tell  a  lie, 
Eve  did  it." 

There  is  no  law  that  compels  a  farmer  to  buy  every  agri- 
cultural implement  that  an  agent  comes  along  and  recom- 
mends. I  would  not  say  a  word  against  labor-saving  ma- 
chinery, for  the  Lord  knows  that  anything  that  will  take  a  crick 
out  of  a  farmer's  back,  whether  it  be  a  machine,  or  a  patent 
medicine,  is  a  good  thing  to  have  in  a  family,  but  I  believe  that 
half  the  farm  implements  that  are  offered  for  sale,  and  can- 
vassed for,  are  nuisances,  and  a  damage  to  the  farmer. 
And  a  man  who  urges  you  to  buy  a  thing  that  you  cannot 
see  that  you  absolutely  need,  is  an  enemy,  and  should  be 
classed  with  the  lightning  rod  peddler,  the  book  agent,  the 
cloth  peddler  and  the  tramp.  I  do  not  advocate  the  mis- 
cellaneous killing  of  these  peddlers  and  tramps,  not  killing 
them  in  cold  blood,  but  I  would  advise  every  farmer  to  have 
a  Gattling  gun  on  his  premises,  and  practice  with  it  often. 
If  these  peddlers  happen  to  come  along  when  you  are 
practising  with  your  gun,  and  they  are  killed,  accidentally, 
any  jury  will  acquit  you.  Or  if  you  are  not  in  favor  of  the 
unlimited  use  of  gunpowder,  keep  a  mule,  and  when  these 
people  call  upon  you  to  sell  you  their  wares,  and  take  your 
note,  ask  them,  in  a  kindly  manner,  to  take  a  ride  on  your 
mule.  In  this  way  a  good  mule  will  pay  for  his  keeping. 

While  I  believe  in  the  efficacy  of  prayer  on  general  prin- 
ciples, I  would  not  advise  any  class  to  depend  on  that  alto- 
gether to  ward  off  t'.ie  rains,  or  to  cause  the  rain  to  pour,  or 
to  keep  off  the  frost  until  everybody  is  ready  for  it.  It  will 
not  work,  infallibly.  You  can  see  that  in  this  cranberry  bus- 
iness. Just  maintain  the  even  tenor  of  your  way,  be  as 
good  as  you  can  without  getting  into  a  profuse  perspiration, 
and  trust  in  Providence.  Everything  will  come  out  right  if 
you  wait  long  enough.  Be  contented  with  your  lot,  and 
be  loyal  to  your  state  and  country.  When  the  winter  is 
cold,  and  you  are  froze  up,  and  they  talk  to  you  of  the  sun- 
ny south,  think  of  the  yellow  fever,  and  pile  on  the  wood. 
.  If  people  talk  to  you  of  the  splendid  climate  of  California, 
tell  them  there  is  no  place  like  home. 

Let  farmers  maintain  the  reputation  they  have  acquired 
for  honesty,  industry,  brotherly  kindness,  and  all  will  be  well. 


171 

The  call  of  suffering  never  needs  the  aid  of  an  ear  trumpet 
to  reach  the  farmer  ;  the  call  of  his  country  is  heard  always 
without  being  repeated.  His  life  has  many  features  that 
are  unpleasant,  but  on  the  whole  he  is  more  independent 
than  the  millionaire,  more  happy  than  the  aristocratic  devo- 
tee of  fashion,  and  when  he  dies,  though  his  remains  may 
not  be  encased  in  a  silver  burial  case  or  be  drawn  to  its  last 
resting  place  by  six  horses,  with  gorgeous  millinery,  it  is 
usually  followed  by  sincere  mourners,  loving  friends,  and 
sympathizing  neighbors,  and  when  the  last  trump  shall 
sound,  his  horny  hand  is  more  apt  to  grasp  that  of  St.  Peter's 
at  the  gate,  than  is  the  hand  of  the  demagogue  who  despised 
him  as  a  laboring  man  here  below,  and  he  is  as  liable  as 
any  to  occupy  an  orchestra  chair  in  the  front  row,  before 
the  throne  that  all  people  will  delight  to  see  alter  the  work 
of  life  is  over. 


The  magnetic  qualities  of  the  artesian  well  have  demon- 
strated the  fact  that  the  water  is  in  some  way  connected  with 
the  Madison  lakes.  The  other  evening  parties  who  stood 
beside  the  fountain  could  plainly  hear  strains  of  music  come 
up  from  the  bowels  of  the  earth  with  the  water.  To  every 
U.  S.  gallons  of  water  there  was  at  least  a  quart  of  choice 
music.  Listeners  could  readily  distinguish  strains  of  "Mollie 
Darling,"  "It's  funny  when  you  feel  that  way,"  and  "Rock 
of  ages,  cleft  for  me"  and  Mr  Hatch  said  he  could  hear  "a 
life  on  the  ocean  wave,"  in  a  voice  that  sounded  very  much 
like  that  of  Brass,  of  Madison.  It  worried  us  a  good  deal 
until  we  got  the  Madison  papers,  which  gave  an  account  of 
Mr.  Brass's  experimenting  with  a  telephone,  and  listening  to 
music  played  in  houses  away  over  on  the  lake.  It  was  the 
Madison  music  that  we  heard,  through  the  aid  of  Brass's 
telephone,  assisted  by  the  La  Crosse  magnetic  water,  and 
there  is  no  longer  any  doubt  but  that  the  well  is  connected 
with  the  Madison  lakes  by  an  underground  passage,  instead 
of  running  into  Car's  pop  factory,  as  was  supposed  two 
weeks  ago. 

A  correspondent  asks  us  if  new  subscibers  are  coming  in. 
O,  yes,  we  have  got  a  cow  that  will  be  sold  to  the  highest 
bidder.  Something  has  got  to  come  in,  to  pay  for  all  this 
outlay  on  THE  SUN. 


172 

LAY  UP  APPLES  IN  HEAVED. 


They  tell  a  good  story  at  Portage  City,  at  the  expense  of 
Senator  Barden,  or  a  minister,  we  don't  know  which.  Bar- 
den  had  a  lot  of  apples  sent  him  last  fall,  and  he  was  anxious 
to  sell  them,  before  winter  set  in.  One  day  he  thought  of  a 
new  minister  that  had  settled  in  Portage,  so  he  made  up  his 
mind  to  take  him  up  a  couple  of  barrels,  supposing  that 
when  he  went  to  heaven,  and  saw  the  big  ledger  opened, 
there  would  be  a  credit  about  as  follows : 

L.  W.  BARDEN, 

in  acct.  with  Providence, 
1876 

Oct.  21.     By  two  bbls.  apples,  ©  $3 $6.00 

"     "         "      Drayage 30 


Total $6.30 

Barden  loaded  them  on  a  dray,  and  got  on  it,  with  his 
pants  in  his  boots,  and  went  up  to  deliver  them  himself.  He 
stopped  at  the  minister's  gate,  and  hurried  the  apples  off, 
and  rolled  them  inside  the  gate,  and  tried  to  gel  away  be- 
fore the  minister  had  time  to  thank  him.  Just  as  he  was 
about  to  drive  away  the  door  opened  and  the  man  of  God 
came  out  and  says  he : 

"Look  here !     You  put  them  apples  in  the  cellar  !" 
Barden  told   him  he  was   in   something  of  a  hurry,   and 
really  he  could  not  spare  the  time.     The  minister  raised  his 
voice  to  a  sort  of  "auction  pitch,"  and  said: 

"Here,  now.  You  don't  know  your  business,  Mr.  Dray- 
man. You  roll  them  apples  into  the  cellar,  or  I  won't  ac- 
cept them." 

The  Senator  was  by  this  time  as  mad  as  Senators  usually 
get.  He  jumped  od?  the  dray,  threw  the  two  barrels  of 
apples  on,  and  drove  off,  say  ing  he  didn't  care  a  continental 
dam  if  the  minister  eat  dried  apples  all  winter.  And 
he  took  them  back  to  his  store,  and  it  is  safe  to  say  that  he 
will  not  give  many  more  apples  to  that  minister. 

MORAL. — Never  despise  a  man  because  he  wears  a  ragged 
coat,  for  he  may  be  a  Senatorial  granger  angel  in  the  dis- 
guise of  a  drayman.  And  you  may  have  to  fill  up  on  tur- 
nips instead  of  apples. 


GRASSHOPPERS  AND  WILD  GEESE. 


The  editor  of  this  great  moral  and  religious  illuminator, 
accompanied  a  party  of  distinguished  citizens  of  La  Crosse 
out  into  Southern  Minnesota  not  long  since,  to  take  note 
of  the  ravages  of  the  grasshoppers,  and  to  form  an  idea  of 
the  trouble  that  is  in  store  for  that  state  in  the  future  at  the 
hands  — or  appetites,  rather — of  the  grasshoppers.  We  also 
took  guns  along  to  protect  ourselves  from  the  wild  geese 
which  are  so  desperate  out  there,  and  the  James  brothers. 
We  found  that  they  have  laid  eggs  all  over  the  western  por- 
tion of  Minnesota — not  the  geese,  or  the  James  Brothers 
— but  the  grasshoppers,  and  the  prospect  is  anything  but 
encouraging  to  the  farmers  that  are  keeping  soul  and  body 
together  by  eating  black  bread  and  pumpkin.  Our  expedi- 
tion made  a  geological  survey  of  Martin  county  particularly,  • 
and  a  portion  of  Northern  Iowa,  and  if  grasshopper  eggs 
were  as  valuable  as  gold,  paying  dirt  could  be  struck  any- 
where, and  worked  to  good  advantage.  We  have  taken  a 
square  inch  of  dirt  from  the  surface  of  the  ground,  and 
found  nearly  a  thousand  grasshopper  eggs,  each  one  of 
which  is  dead  sure  to  hatch  out.  Grasshopper  eggs  differ 
from  hens'  eggs  in  the  circumstance  that  they  never  spoil. 
The  oldest  inhabitant  can  not  remember  of  a  single  grass- 
hopper egg  that  ever  failed  to  connect. 

The  process  by  which  grasshoppers  deposit  their  eggs 
may  be  interesitng  to  those  who  have  never  been  out  west 
to  grow  up  with  the  country,  so  we  will  impart  the  informa- 
tion that  has  cost  us  much  labor  and  research.  The  eggs 
are  found  about  an  inch  below  the  surface  of  the  ground. 
The  eggs  are  laid  by  the  female  hoppers.  When  she  feels 
as  though  she  \vanted  to  lighten  her  burden,  she  stands  up 
on  her  narrative  like  a  dog  and  begins  to  dig  a  hole  with 
her  north  end.  She  works  patiently  until  she  has  a  hole  in 
the  ground  about  the  size  of  a  lead  pencil,  an  inch  or  so 
deep.  The  hole  is  so  near  the  size  of  the  subsequent  end 
of  the  hopper  that  should  you  take  her  by  the  nap  of  the 
neck  to  pull  her  out  of  the  hole,  she  would  break  in  the 
middle  before  she  would  let  go.  After  the  hole  is  all  ready 
the  grasshopper  spits  on  her  hands  and  lays  down  her 
bundle,  which  consists  of  material  for  a  sack,  and  con- 
tains from  thirty  to  seventy-five  eggs.  She  covers  up  the 


174 

hole  and  comes  out  looking  as  though  she  had  been  run 
through  a  clothes  wringer,  and  with  an  appetite  that  would 
shame  a  free  lunch  fiend,  and  she  attacks  anything  that  the 
he  grasshopper  has  left  in  the  neighborhood  to  eat. 

These  eggs  are  laid  late  in  the  summer,  and  they  do  not 
hatch  out  till  the  next  spring.  Nothing  on  earth  except 
crushing  them  to  powder  will  prevent  those  eggs  from  hatch- 
ing. They  may  be  frozen  as  stiff  as  a  mackerel  and  they 
will  come  out  all  right.  They  may  be  drowned  and  they 
still  live.  When  the  proper  time  comes,  when  the  granger 
is  looking  the  other  way,  and  the  sun  begins  to  shine  for  all, 
the  eggs  open  and  out  comes  a  tiny  grasshopper  with  his 
mouth  open,  and  he  begins  to  eat  in  a  minute,  and  keeps  it 
up  till  death  relieves  him.  He  will  eat  anything  that  grows, 
and  the  larger  he  gets  the  more  he  will  eat.  After  a  few 
hours  fooling  around  on  the  ground  the  young  grasshopper 
gets  on  a  bush  or  stalk,  hangs  on  by  his  teet,  and  his  wings 
begin  to  unfold,  and  in  ten  minutes  he  is  ready  to  fly,  when 
he  goes  up  in  the  air,  winks  at  the  farmer  with  one  eye,  and 
goes  to  harvesting  without  money  and  without  price. 


The  unusual  solemnity  which  pervades  the  editorial  col- 
umns of  THE  SUN  this  week  is  owing  to  the  fact  that  the 
musical  convention  has  been  singing  solemn  tunes  in  the 
hall  over  our  head.  It  has  seemed  at  times,  as  though  we 
should  cry  our  eyes  out,  as  the  melancholy  church  music 
floated  down  to  us  from  the  hundred  mouths  above,  laden 
with  the  breaths  of  the  angels  who  compose  the  chorus, 
some  of  whom  evidently  chew  cloves  and  some  don't.  At 
times  when  some  unusually  solemn  song  has  been  sung 
eighty  or  ninety  times  during  the  forenoon,  we  have  felt 
that  we  would  give  a  million  dollars,  and  our  hope  for  a 
future  postorhce,  if  they  would  sing  something  else,  some 
cheerful  tune,  like,  "Bury  me  beneath  the  daisies,"  or  "Sad 
autumn  leaves."  This  singing  has  taken  away  our  appetite 
and  made  a  melancholy  wreck  of  one  that  was  full  of  life 
and  pepper  sauce  only  three  short  days  ago. 

It  is  getting  so  that  politicians,  when  casting  about  for  a 
candidate  for  an  office  of  honor,  ask,  "Will  he  bleed  ?"  If  he 
bleeds,  he  is  a  statesman. 


175 

WHAT  THEY  WERE  FIGHTING   FOR. 


The  cause  of  the  war  uetween  Russia  and  Turkey,  does 
not  seem  to  be  sufficiently  understood,  and  while  we  had 
much  rather  some  other  eminent  geologist  would  explain 
the  causes  that  led  to  the  crossing  of  the  Russian  army  into 
Herzegobraugh,  still,  as  no  one  else  seems  disposed  to  ex- 
plain it,  we  will  attempt  to  do  so.  It  seems  that  the  Czar- 
o witch  has  all  the  time  been  displeased  with  the  manner  in 
which  the  Schlesvvig-Holstein  question  was  finally  settled 
by  a  vote  of  eight  to  seven,  and  he  has  been  meditating  re- 
venge ever  since.  So,  when  SneezeyournosofT  and  Gallop- 
aroundthesmokehouseski  visited  him  last  year,  he  ordered 
Sixsnits,  and  they  talked  it  over.  The  Sublime  Porte  was 
too  much  for  them  and  went  to  their  heads,  and  it  was  de- 
cided to  make  Rome  howl.  Turkey  was  notified  that  she 
must  swallow  the  protocol,  which  she  attempted  to  do,  but 
it  stuck  in  her  throat,  and  wouldn't  go  down.  Romania 
concluded  to  remain-and  see  the  thing  out,  and  wheat  went 
up  to  a  dollar  and  eighty  cents.  Muscovitz  ordered  Garibal- 
di to  move  on  his  works  at  once,  and  Marco  Bozarius  cheered 
his  band,  and  the  harem  of  the  lustful  Turk  sung  "Hold  the 
Fort  for  1  am  coming."  This  was  more  than  the  Czar 
could  stand  and  calling  his  trusty  braves  about  him  they 
danced  the  scalp  dance,  bid  good  bye  to  every  fear,  and 
waded  in.  The  Porte  sold  wheat  short  and  when  asked  to 
put  up  a  margin,  he  said  "go  to  Herzegovina,"  and  buying 
a  case  of  red  stockings  for  his  wifes,  as  a  token  of  death  be- 
fore dishonor,  he  took  the  field.  The  entrance  to  the  Black 
Sea  was  sealed  up  with  sealing  wax,  confining  the  Skowhe- 
gan  fleet  of  Monitors,  and  now  all  we  are  waiting  for  is  blood. 


The  Milwaukee  Sentinel,  in  its  state  items,  tells  of  a  young 
lady  named  Shipman  being  shot  four  miles  above  Big  Bend. 
She  must  have  been  taller  than  the  Portage  girl.  A  doctor 
there  was  at  a  sociable,  and  an  old  lady  asked  him  if  there 
was  anything  new,  anybody  going  to  die,  or  anything. 
Well,  he  said  he  had  just  amputated  a  woman's  leg  up  near 
the  depot  and  the  trains  made  so  much  noise  she  would 
probably  die. 


176 

PERSEVERANCE    WILL   WIN. 


There  is  nothing  a  merchant  likes  so  well  as  to  have  a 
customer  come  and  trade,  and  say,  "I  noticed  your  adver- 
tisement in  the  paper."  It  tickles  the  merchant  all  over, 
and  he  feels  good  natured  for  weeks.  When  we  first  went 
to  La  Crosse  there  was  a  man  named  Smith  in  the  grocery 
business.  We  tried  all  the  devices  known  to  the  craft  to  get 
him  to  advertise  in  our  paper,  but  he  stood  us  off  in  one 
way  and  another.  Finally,  as  a  last  resort,  we  went  to  all 
his  customers  and  told  them  to  always  say  when  trading 
with  Smith,  "I  noticed  your  advertisement  in  THE  SUN." 
Smith  laughed  at  it  at  first,  but  maintained  that  he  would  be 
tetoally  d — d  if  he  would  ever  advertise.  His  customers 
kept  it  up,  however,  and  about  forty  times  a  day  he  would 
hear  the  remark,  "Mr.  Smith,  I  noticed  your  advertisement 
in  THE  SUN."  The  old  man  was  getting  mad,  and  we  knew 
it  was  only  a  matter  of  time  when  he  would  wear  out,  and 
come  down  with  an  advertisement.  One  day  we  were 
walking  up  street  with  a  minister,  and  as  we  got  along  by 
Smith's  the  minister  said  he  had  got  to  go  to  Smith's  and 
get  a  mackerel.  We  told  the  minister  we  wanted  to  get  a 
little  drive  on  Smith,  and  asked  him,  as  a  special  favor,  to 
say  the  fatal  words  to  him,  as  he  bought  the  mackerel.  So 
the  elder  went  in  and  asked  him  for  an  orthodox  mackerel. 
Smith  was  not  feeling  very  good.  His  hair  pulled  a  little, 
and  he  had  been  eating  a  lemon.  Just  as  he  put  the  hook 
into  the  tail  of  the  mackerel,  and  slapped  it  on  to  the  side 
of  the  barrel  to  shake  off  the  brine,  the  minister  put  on  one 
of  his  most  engaging  smiles,  nibbled  a  piece  of  cheese,  and 
said,  "  by  the  way,  Mr.  Smith,  I  noticed  your  advertisement 
in  THE  SUN."  He  hadn't  more  than  got  the  words  out  of 
his  mouth  before  Smith  turned  pale.  Smith  was  a  violent 
man.  He  grabbed  the  mackerel  by  the  tail  and  swatted  the 
poor  minister  over  the  head  and  ears,  and  said,  "Take  that, 
you  cussed  old  liar."  It  was  all  done  in  a  second,  and 
Smith  was  sorry  before  the  reverend  gentleman  had  got  the 
brine  half  out  of  his  ears.  Probably  that  elder  was  not  mad. 
He  got  the  brine  out  of  his  eyes  and  seemed  to  be  searching 
for  the  infinite,  or  an  ax  helve,  and  as  he  spit  on  his  hands 
we  stepped  up  and  took  all  the  blame  on  ourself,  apolo- 
gizing for  Smith,  and  explained  how  the  minister  come  to 


177 

lie  so  and  it  was  all  made  up,  and  Smith  agreed  to  adver- 
tise, which  he  fulfilled  most  religiously,  ever  after.  We 
promised  never  to  tell  the  story,  ^.s  long  as  we  lived  in  La 
Crosse,  but  now  that  we  are  away,  and  old  Smith  is  going 
to  be  elected  City  Clerk  there  again,  and  the  minister  has 
never  told  a  lie  since,  we  can't  hold  in.  This  is  a  true  story. 


Last  summer,  when  the  tramps  were  so  plenty,  and  the 
papers  were  full  of  murders  and  rapes  and  all  kinds  of  wick- 
edness, an  old  bachelor  was  coming  home  one  evening,  and 
when  passing  a  house  he  heard  a  scream  that  fairly  made 
his  hair  stand.  He  knew  there  was  three  ladies  in  the 
house,  and  they  were  unprotected,  and  the  thought  occurred 
to  him  that  a  tramp  had  gained  admittance  to  the  house, 
and  was  perhaps  murdering  the  ladies.  While  he  hesitated 
another  heart-rending  scream  was  heard,  and  he  took  his 
200  pounds  over  the  fence,  and  rushed  into  the  open  door 
in  a  second,  and  a  scene  met  his  gaze  calculated  to  terrify  a 
bachelor.  One  of  the  young  ladies  was  in  a  large  stuffed 
chair,  as  pale  as  death,  with  her  hand  on  her  heart,  or  there- 
abouts, and  the  other  stood  on  a  chair,  with  her  skirts  pulled 
up  so  you  could  see  your  hand  before  your  face.  The 
bachelor  rushed  amongst  them,  his  cane  uplifted  ready  to 
brain  the  tramp  at  once.  He  took  in  the  situation.  He 
asked  if  he  could  be  of  any  assistance.  The  girl  on  the 
chair  said,  "  O,  there  is  a  mouse  in  here  somewhere,  won't 
you  help  catch  it."  With  a  smile  that  was  child-like  and 
bland,  he  said :  "  Ladies,  if  you  have  got  any  tramps  about 
the  house  you  want  to  kill,  I  am  your  man.  But  when  it 
comes  to  hunting  mice,  in  a  strange  house,  well,  I  ain't  no 
rat  terrier,  nor  no  Thomas  H.  Cat.  Good  evening."  And 
he  went  out  like  a  fresh  meteor.  * 


The  question,  "can  a  person  live  on  air,"  has  been  argued 
for  many  years.  Men  in  cities  have  lived  for  months  on 
what  is  called  "wind  pudding,"  that  is  walking  around  a 
block  or  two  with  the  mouth  open  and  then  inhale  the  air 
that  comes  from  a  hotel  kitchen,  laden  with  beef  steak  and 
onions.  But  these  men  have,  after  a  time,  been  missed  from 
jheir  accustomed  haunts,  and  it  is  believed  they  die. 


180 

A  DOMESTIC  TRAGEDY, 


A  family  livingon  King  street  had  a  domestic  that  was  con- 
tinually tasting  of  everything.  The  lady  of  the  house  had 
some  bottled  beer,  and  occasionally  she  would  open  a  bottle 
and  drink  a  wine-glassfull,  and  cork  the  bottle  tight  for 
another  time.  When  she  came  to  try  the  beer  again,  it  would 
be  gone.  She  tried  every  way  to  find  out  what  became  of 
the  beer.  The  girl  said  she  had  noticed  the  cat  down  cel- 
lar a  good  many  times,  and  very  likely  the  cat  might  drink  it. 
After  a  number  of  bottles  had  disappeared  the  lady  swore 
vengeance  on  that  cat.  She  made  up  her  mind  she  would 
teach  that  cat  a  lesson  that  would  make  her  sick  of  beer. 
So  she  caused  her  bald  headed  husband  to  get  at  the  drug 
store  a  bottle  of  ipecac,  and  after  opening  a  bottle  of  beer 
she  poured  the  drug  into  the  beer-bottle,  with  about  a  pint  of 
beer.  You  might  think  it  wrong  to  spoil  good  beer  that 
way,  but  the  lady  wanted  to  make  the  cat  sick.  The  trap 
had  been  set  about  an  hour,  when  the  lady  heard  a  noise  as 
of  loud  conversation  in  the  kitchen.  She  listened  and  heard 
the  following  conversation;  "O,  Lord  —  ye-o-o-p  —  have  mercy 
—  yo-o-p!  O,  I  am  ye-h-o-o-p  poisoned  —  yo-i-c-k!"  The 
lady  opened  the  door,  expecting  to  see  the  cat  sick,  but 
what  was  her  astonishment  to  see  a  hired  girl  as  big  as  a 
prize  ox,  lying  on  the  floor,  with  one  leg  over  the  wood  box 
and  the  other  under  the  stove,  her  head  rolled  up  in  a  piece 
of  carpet,  heaving  up  Jonah  as  though  she  had  been  trying 
to  learn  to  smoke.  The  kind  lady,  the  pretty  good  Samari- 
tan, asked  her  how  long  she  had  been  that  way,  and  she 
said  she  didn't  touch  that  bottle  at  all.  The  lady  told  her 
she  would  feel  better  when  she  got  over  it,  and  left  her,  and 
when  she  did  get  over  it  she  looked  as  though  she  had  been 
to  a  picnic.  The  cat  was  just  as  well  and  hearty  as  ever  it 
was  in  its  life,  and  the  girl  is  not  at  that  house  any  more, 
much. 


They  have  invented  an  india  rubber  angle  worm  for  fish 
bait,  so  natural  that  you  can't  tell  the  difference  till  you  put 
the  bait  in  your  mouth.  That  may  do  for  ordinary  fish,  but 
those  brook  trout  up  in  Mormon  Cooley  will  go  up  to  your 
artificial  angle  worm  and  read  "Goodyear's  patent,"  and 
then  stand  on  their  heads  and  wiggle  their  tails  at  you. 


181 

HOW  THE  "OLD    SQUARE"  PREVENTED     BLOOD- 
SHED IN  THE  WOODSHED. 


It  was  a  calm,  still  night. 

Any  story  writer  that  starts  a  story  in  a  hurricane,  when 
the  wind  is  blowing  across  the  wild  more  than  half  the  time, 
is  a  liar.  People  don't  like  windy  stories. 

It  was  a  calm,  still  night,  as  aforesaid.  That  is,  it  was 
going  to  be.  The  sun  had  just  sank  to  rest  over  towards 
Bigelow's,  and  the  sky  for  more  than  sixty  feet  on  each  side 
of  where  the  sun  had  crawled  into  its  customary  hole  was 
lit  up  with  all  the  colors  of  Joseph's  many  coat,  and  re- 
minded the  beholder  of  the  early  spring  circus  bill,  on  a  high 
board  fence,  with  its  blue  zebras  with  green  stripes,  its  lav- 
ender lions  with  black  tails,  jumping  sixteen  hundred  feet  to 
crush  a  poor  little  monkey  that  had  done  nothing  but  travel 
with  an  organ  grinder.  Children  half  price. 

It  was  in  the  year  1869,  and  I  was  at  Fort  Atkinson,  vis- 
iting my  venerable  paternal  relative,  who  held  the  proud 
position  of  Chief  Justice  of  the  village.  I  had  just  returned 
from  New  York,  where  I  had  spent  two  years  and  $2,000, 
and  had  walked  part  of  the  way  back,  and  as  I  sat  there  on 
the  grass  watching  the  sunset,  without  a  nickel  in  my  pocket, 
I  wondered  how  I  could  obtain  the  address  of  some  boss 
highwayman,  with  a  view  of  hiring  out.  The  "square"  was 
leaning  against  a  tree  singing  an  old  Methodist  hymn,  when 
a  solitary  horseman  might  have  been  seen  coming  up  the 
path. 

He  was  on  foot.  It  was  fashionable  that  year  for  solitary 
horsemen  to  go  on  foot.  The  man  coming  up  the  road  had 
a  coat  over  his  arm,  a  stout  stick  in  his  hand,  and  a  No.  1 1 
chew  of  tobacco  in  his  rnouth.  His  pants  were  tucked  in 
his  boots,  and  at  every  four  steps  he  would  spit  on  his  hand 
and  grasp  that  stick  as  though  he  wanted  to  brain  some  per- 
son. My  first  impression  was  that  he  was  some  farmer  who 
had  had  his  melon  patch  robbed  years  before,  when  I  lived 
there,  that  he  had  heard  I  was  at  home  and  had  sauntered 
over  to  take  a  few  water  melons  out  of  my  hide,  and  I  was 
about  to  take  up  a  collection  of  myself  and  go  away  from 
there,  when  he  called  my  sire  to  the  fence,  where  they  held 
an  animated  conversation  for  some  minutes.  My  father 
peemed  to  be  trying  to  pacify  tht  man,  and  to  put  off  till  tp» 


182 

morrow  something  that  the  visitor  thought  ought  to  be  done 
that  night.  The  man  took  out  a  knife  and  cut  off  the  most 
immense  chew  of  plug  tobacco  that  I  ever  saw  a  man  put 
himself  outside  of,  and  as  a  sort  of  clincher,  said  : 

"Wall,  Squar,  if  you  won't  go  up  thar  and  tie  that  knot, 
here's  his  measure  on  this  stick,  five  feet  nine  and  a  half, 
and  kinder  slim.  Tell  Pete  Eicherbrought  to  send  up  a 
cheap  coffin  in  the  mornin'.  And,  squar,  it  might  save  ex- 
pense to  the  county  if  you'd  sw'ar  in  a  coroner's  jury  and 
let  'em  ride  up  with  Pete.  I  tell  ye  squar,  said  the  old  man, 
as  he  took  the  back  of  his  hard  hand  and  wiped  a  tear  off 
his  nose  :  "Tnar'll  be  a  weddin  to-night  or  a  funeral  at  ten 
o'clock  to-morrow,  and  it's  fur  you  to  say  which.  He  is 
corraled  in  the  wood  shed,  lookin'  into  the  muzzle  of  a  shot 
gun,  and  you  better  hurry  up,  or  it  will  begin  to  get  monot- 
onous for  him." 

The  Squire  left  the  old  man  and  come  to  me  and  said  the 
man  wanted  him  to  go  that  night,  nine  miles  up  into  Bark 
woods  to  marry  his  daughter  to  a  man  who  ought  to  marry 
her  but  who  objected  te  the  seeming  haste.  The  Squire 
said  he  was  getting  too  old  to  go  bumming  around  in  Bark 
woods,  dark  nights,  but  rather  than  have  a  fellow  killed,  he 
would  go  and  perform  the  ceremony,  if  I  would  go  along 
and  drive. 

"Is  there  any  money  in  it?"  said  I,  as  my  hand  wandered 
aimlessly  about  the  emptiest  pocket  that  ever  was. 

The  Squire  alleged  that  there  were  millions  in  it,  and  said 
he  would  divide  with  me  the  fee  he  got  for  the  job,  so  it 
was  decided  to  go.  The  prospective  father-in-law  sat  on 
a  stump,  with  his  coat  across  his  knee,  while  we  hitched  up, 
holding  in  his  hand  the  staff  on  which  he  had  measured  his 
man  either  for  the  grave  or  the  bridal  couch. 

By  the  time  the  horse  was  hitched  and  the  Squire  had 
put  his  portfolio  of  papers  necessary  for  such  occasions  un- 
der the  cushion,  it  was  very  dark,  and  the  outlook  was  not 
pleasant,  but  the  procession  started,  conscious  that  a  great 
duty  was  about  to  be  performed,  and  the  nine  miles  were 
begun.  The  old  man  with  the  staff  took  the  lead  on  foot, 
and  plnnged  into  the  woods.  Occasionally  he  would  come 
to  a  bad  place  in  the  road  and  would  sing  out : 

"Keep  a  little  to  the  right,  Squire,  or  we  may  have  a  fun- 


183 

eral  before  we  get  thar,"  and  the  horse  would  sheer  around 
the  obstruction,  and  the  buggy  would  keep  right  side  up. 

It  was  the  lonesomest  wedding  procession  that  I  ever  took 
part  in.  The  o\vls  hooted,  and  made  me  think  of  a  poor 
bridegroom  shut  up  in  a  woodshed;  waiting  for  the  execu- 
tioner to  come.  Squire  became  communicative,  and  said  : 

"Come  to  think  of  it,  unless  the  man  wants  to  marry  the 
girl,  I  don't  see  how  I  can  do  it.  A  marriage  has  got  to 
be  a  free  will  affair  on  both  sides.  Now  the  girl  may  be 
willing  enough  for  two,  but  if  the  bridegroom  stands  out, 
and  says  he  ''don't  have  to,"  why,  there  is  no  use  for  me 
there.  While  I  want  to  see  justice  done,  it  is  not  my  busi- 
ness to  bull-doze  anybody.  When  the  proper  time  comes, 
and  I  ask  him  if  he  takes  this  woman  to  be  his  wedded  wife 
he  must  say  yes,  and  I  guess  when  we  get  there,  George, 
you  better  go  into  the  wood  shed  and  use  your  powers  of 
persuasion  to  get  him  to  see  it  in  the  right  light.  Tell  him 
that  it  is  the  best  way  out  of  it,  and  that  the  country  is  look- 
ing to  him  to  do  the  square  thing  by  the  girl.  I  know  you 
can  fix  it,  if  you  go  right  for  him,  but  it  wouldn't  do  lor  me, 
in  my  capacity  of  the  Justice  of  the  Peace." 

I  didn't  like  the  idea  of  going  into  a  woodshed  with  a 
desperate  man  who  had  been  held  at  bay  for  several  hours 
to  compel  him  to  marry  anybody.  How  did  I  know  but 
he  would  knock  me  down  and  walk  on  me.  However, 
after  three  hours  of  the  slowest  riding,  through  the  darkest 
woods  in  the  world,  a  dog  began  to  bark,  and  as  he  run  out 
and  jumped  upon  the  old  man  I  knew  that  we  were  near 
the  happy  home,  where  two  souls  were  to  be  united.  An 
old  lady  came  to  the  door  with  a  tallow  candle,  which  only 
tended  to  show  her  own  repulsive  features,  and  make  every- 
thing else  darker  than  before.  I  got  out  first  and  followed 
the  old  man  into  the  house.  He  sat  down  and  wiped  the 
perspiration  off  his  face,  and  asked  his  wife  if  everything  was 
lovely. 

"Yes,  lovely  as  h— ,"  said  the  ancient  old  woman,  as  she 
kicked  the  dog  under  the  table..  The  house  was  a  log  one, 
with  a  hole  to  climb  up  a  ladder  in  the  ceiling.  On  one 
side  of  the  house  was  a  log  woodshed,  at  the  door  of  which 
stood  a  young  huntsman,  with  a  shot  gun.  A  noise  inside 
showed  that  it  was  occupied.  In  looking  over  the  room, 
after  the  Squire  came  in,  I  saw  a  barefooted  young  female 


184 

sitting  on  a  bunk  in  one  corner  of  the  room.  She  was  evi- 
dently the  bride.  She  had  a  red  ribbon  in  her  hair,  and  a 
calico  dress,  with  an  enormous  hoop  skirt,  was  her  bridal 
outfit.  Her  face  was  red,  as  well  as  her  hair,  and  she 
looked  as  little  like  a  bride  as  any  person  it  was  my  fortune 
to  meet.  Her  eyes  were  nearly  white,  or  a  light  gray,  and 
if  she  had  any  eye  lashes  they  were  not  visible  to  the  naked 
eye.  •  Her  nose  was  straight  down  for  a  couple  of  inches, 
where  it  swerved  to  the  right  a  little,  and  then  went  down 
another  inch  and  then  turned  up  as  though  it  sme't  woolen 
burning.  Her  mouth  looked  like  a  slice  cut  out  of  a  green 
watermelon,  with  the  yellow  seeds  resembling  the  teeth. 
This  fact  was  not  observed  by  her  smiling,  but  she  had  a 
hair  lip,  which  set  the  teeth  off  to  advantage.  She  talked 
through  her  nose,  the  way  a  hair  lipped  person  always  does, 
and  when  I  asked  her  if  this  marriage  was  voluntary  on  her 
part,  she  said  through  her  nose,  "you  met  your  life,"  in  a 
manner  that  showed  me  that  her  palate  was  gone  but  not 
forgotten.  I  turned  from  the  picture,  with  a  feeling  that  I 
had  got  the  worth  of  my  money,  in  riding  nine  miles  in  the 
darl-. 

The  Squire  asked  for  a  Bible,  and  that  created  a  commo- 
tion. The  old  lady  had  sent  the  old  man  up  in  the  garret 
to  find  it,  and  by  the  noise  it  seemed  as  though  he  was  turn- 
ing everything  over  up  there  to  find  it,  and  occasionally  he 
would  swear  in  the  most  civilized  manner,  notwithstanding 
he  lived  in  the  woods.  I  did  not  remember  ever  hearing 
any  finer  swearing,  among  the  wealthy  classes  of  New  York 
where  every  luxury  was  easily  obtained,  and  every  new  oath 
was  to  be  found  in  the  morning  papers,  to  read  with  your 
cup  of  coffee.  Finally  the  old  lady  went  to  the  ladder  and 
yelled  as  follows : 

"Reuben  what  did  you  do  with  the  bible  last  fall  wheo 
you  honed  your  razor  on  it,  the  time  you  went  to  Hebron 
to  election.  Don't  you  remember  the  time  you  come  home 
with  the  gash  cut  in  your  head,  and  your  little  finger 
broke?" 

"O,  dry  up,  will  you,"  said  Reuben,  "and  not  tell  every- 
thing you  know.  You  had  it  last  spring,  don't  you  remem- 
ber, the  time  that  tract  peddler  was  here  and  stayed  a  week, 
and  you  killed  a  chicken  every  day?  That  feller  you  read 
about  in  the  Jefferson  JSanner,  that  married  six  wives,  and 


185 

was  arrested  in  Iowa  for  bigamy.  He  was  the  prayinist 
cuss  I  ever  seen  for  one  that  was  married  as  much  as  he 
was." 

Finally  after  the  bride  had  whispered  to  the  old  lady,  she 
called  Reuben  down,  and  asked  the  squire  what  particular 
passage  in  the  bible  he  wanted  to  find.  The  squire  said  he 
didn't  care  for  any  particular  passage,  only  it  always  looked 
a  little  more  business-like  to  have  a  bible  around.  She  told 
him  the  leaves  had  all  been  torn  out  of  the  bible  for  gun 
wadding  and  sich,  except  a  few  pages  about  Daniel  in  the 
lion's  den,  that  her  daughter  read  a  good  deal,  when  she 
was  out  of  novels.  The  squire  said  the  cover  would  do, 
and  he  motioned  to  me  to  go  into  the  woodshed  and  inter- 
view the  bridegroom. 

On  opening  the  door  of  the  woodshed  and  putting  a  can- 
dle inside,  I  saw  a  young  man  about  twenty-two  years  of 
age,  with  a  very  ignorant  face.  His  forehead  sloped  back 
so  that  it  looked  like  a  good  place  to  slide  down  hill.  His 
eyes  were  small,  close  together,  black,  and  they  seemed  to 
be  looking  into  each  other.  He  was  cross-eyed,  bow- 
legged,  and  altogether  as  ugly  and  sullen  a  looking  devil 
as  one  would  see  in  a  week's  travel,  in  the  Five  Points.  He 
sat  on  a  pile  of  wood  and  looked  down  at  his  feet.  I 
asked  him  if  he  was  prepared  to  make  the  the  only  repara- 
ration  that  lay  in  the  power  of  man  to  make  the  girl  he  had 
betrayed. 

"How?"  says  he,  grating  his  teeth,  and  looking  ugly. 

"By  marrying  her,"  I  said,  with  a  bald-headed  and  phi- 
lanthropic look.  He  said  he  didn't  know  as  that  was  any^ 
thing  to  me.  Then  I  told  him  that  the  news  of  his  betrayal 
of  the  girl  had  gone  to  Jefferson,  Fort  Atkinson,  Hebron 
and  Cold  Spring,  and  men  from  those  places,  bold,  deter- 
mined men,  had  sworn  that  he  must  marry  her  before  morn^ 
ing,  or  they  would  hang  him.  That  they  were  on  the  way 
there  then,  and  that  they  were  led  by  the  most  desperate 
men  in  the  country.  I  told  him  that  I  was  one  of  Pinker- 
ton's  detectives,  and  being*  at  the  Fort  on  business,  and 
hearing  of  the  outrage  that  was  about  to  be  perpetrated  on 
a  young  man  just  entering  upon  a  life  of  honor,  I  had  felt 
compelled  to  come  right  to  him  and  tell  him.  I  said  the 
mob  had  sent  a  justice  of  the  peace  to  marry  him,  who  was 


186 

then  in  the  next  room  The  mob  would  bring  a  coffin,  and 
there  would  be  one  thing  or  the  other. 

He  seemed  inclined  to  think  that  I  was  giving  him  wind, 
and  a  curl  showed  itself  on  his  lip,  but  just  then  a  fearful 
yelling  was  heard  in  the  road.  It  was  a  wagon  load  of 
farmers'  hands  returning  home  from  a  fair  at  Jefferson, 
pretty  full  of  benzine.  The  young  man  took  them  for  the 
mob,  and  said  he  believed  he  had  rather  be  a  live  bride- 
groom than  a  dead  head  in  a  funeral  procession,  and  the 
wedding  could  go  on,  but  he  said  if  he  had  thought  it 
would  ever  come  to  this  he  would  never  have  taken  that 
hair  lipped  Jezebel  home  from  singing  school,  if  she  got 
lost  in  the  woods. 

So  we  went  into  the  "parlor,"  my  arm  locked  lovingly  in 
that  of  the  bridegroom,  the  young  man  who  had  the  gun 
came  inside  the  doorway,  the  old  lady  got  down  by  the 
lire  and  gave  a  last  pull  at  the  bridal  trousseau  to  make  it  set, 
and  told  the  bride  to  keep  her  feet  under  her  dress  so  the 
town  folks  wouldn't  see  that  she  had  no  shoes,  the  prospective 
father-in-law  took  a  chew  of  tobacco  and  came  as  near 
smiling  as  it  was  possible  to  do  under  the  circumstances, 
the  Squire  put  on  his  spectacles  and  beamed  a  good  natured 
smile  on  the  couple,  the  same  as  though  they  were  worth  a 
mil  ion  apiece,  and  I  showed  them  how  to  stand  up  and 
get  their  hands  together,  and  told  them  what  to  say.  After 
asking  them  some  formal  questions,  he  asked  the  girl  if  she 
would  take  the  young  man  to  be  her  wedded  husband,  and 
she  saH  "  yeth  "  through  her  nose,  via  her  dilapidated  pal- 
ate. Then  he  asked  the  young  man  if  he  would  take  the 
girl  he  hid  by  the  hand  to  be  his  wedded  wife,  and  with  a 
choke  in  his  throat  he  said  yes,  evidently  feeling  like  the 
girl  who  eat  the  tomatoes,  and  said  she  liked  them  well 
enough,  but  it  did  seem  as  though  she  should  be  sea  sick. 
Then  the  Squire  with  the  bible  cover  in  his  hand,  looked 
over  his  spectacles  to  see  if  everything  was  all  right,  and 
neither  of  them  was  going  back  on  it,  deliberately  pro- 
nounced them  "man  and  wife.'* 

The  girl  heaved  a  sigh,  the  bridegroom  grated  his  teeth 
;•; ;  d  did  the  same,  and  in  fact  all  present  followed  suit.  The 
Siiuire  packed  up  his  documents  to  go  home,  it  being  now 
near  eleven  o'clock,  when  the  old  man  said  to  him  : 

"Squar,  about  your   pay  for  this  job,  the  boy  hasn't  got 


187 

anything  but  a  wife,  and  she  don't  amount  to  much,  and  I 
am  a  little  short,  but  as  soon  as  I  kill  my  hogs  I  will  send 
some  meat  do\vn  to  you  at  the  Fort. 

The  Squire  said  that  would  be  all  right,  and  we  went  out 
to  the  buggy.  I  told  the  old  man  that  I  had  got  one  favor 
to  ask,  and  that  was  that  he  keep  that  son-in-law  of  his 
chained  up  till  we  got  out  of  the  woods,  as  I  had  lied  to 
him  in  the  most  conscientious  manner  possible,  and  if  he 
found  it  out  he  might  follow  us  and  shoot  into  the  hind  end 
of  the  buggy.  He  said  he  would  swear  on  the  bible  cover 
that  his  relative  should  do  no  harm,  and  we  drove  away 
into  the  darkness. 

The  old  Squire  never  got  his  meat,  to  my  knowledge.  I 
never  got  my  half  until  the  other  day  there  was  a  caddy 
of  sausage  came  from  the  Fort  Atkinson  Justice,  to  my  ad- 
dress, and  it  reminded  me  of  that  dark  night's  work,  and  I 
have  here  given  it,  with  the  remark  that  it  is  very  nearly  all 
true. 


Gen.  Miles  had  a  fight  with  the  Nez  Persimons  Indians 
the  other  day,  killing  a  number  of  the  Indians,  and  losing 
twenty-three  soldiers.  The  rest  of  the  Indians  got  aAvay,  and 
then  General  Howard  came  up  all  out  of  breath  and  said: 
"Show  'em  to  me."  Howard  will  keep  on  rushing  into  dan- 
gerous places  till  he  gets  scalped  with  a  number  eleven  moc- 
casin. 


Bob.  Ingersoll  is  taking  a  rest  from  his  persecutions  of 
the  Creator,  and  is  traveling  in  the  Yo  Semite  region  of 
California.  Bob  does  not  believe  there  is  a  God,  but  if  he 
was  riding  a  kicking  mule,  down  the  precipice  near  the  big 
trees,  and  the  saddle  should  turn  over  with  him,  and  his 
foot  should  be  caught  in  the  stirrup,  after  the  mule  had 
kicked  him  a  few  times  in  the  judgment  seat,  which  is  the 
bowels,  in  his  case,  he  would  be  very  apt  to  bellow  like  a 
calf,  and  say  "  O,  Lord,  please  unbuckle  that  cussed  strap." 
We  should  like  to  hear  Bob  had  met  with  some  such  acci- 
dent, just  so  he  would  recognize  the  foreign  government  of 
the  Lord,  which  at  present  he  totally  ignores.  Not  that 
we  have  anything  against  Ingersoll, 


188 
THROW  OUT  THEM  POTATOES. 


It  is  not  generally  known,  except  up  town,  but  some  of  the 
men  who  drive  the  grocery  delivery  wagons  have  some  of 
the  finest  races  on  the  saw  dust  streets  back  on  the  prairie. 
Their  horses  are  trained,  and  when  a  rival  grocery  wagon 
drives  up  alongside  there  is  business.  The  other  day  a  cit- 
izen who  had  come  near  being  run  over,  and  had  his  plug 
hat  smashed  and  his  umbrella  turned  wrong  side  out,  trying 
to  get  across  the  road  in  front  of  a  race,  went  into  a  grocery, 
whose  proprietor  is  a  strict  disciplinarian,  and  told  him  that 
the  man  who  drove  his  wagon  was  just  killing  the  horse  by 
inches,  racing  with  the  other  grocery  fellows.  The  grocer 
wouldn't  have  been  more  astonished  if  a  man  had  paid  him 
ten  dollars  on  account.  He  made  up  his  mind  he  would 
put  a  stop  to  it,  so  just  before  it  was  time  for  his  man  to  go 
out  with  a  load  of  stuff,  he  went  up  Main  street  and  station- 
ed himself  in  the  alley  back  of  Wing's  house.  He  had  not 
long  to  wait.  A  noise  down  by  the  Congregational  Church 
and  a  cloud  of  sawdust  told  him  the  race  had  been  called. 
He  peeked  around  the  corner  and  saw  that  his  man  and  a 
rival  grocery  man  were  trying  to  get  all  the  speed  possible 
out  of  the  steeds.  He  made  up  his  mind  he  would  wait  till 
they  got  opposite  him,  and  then  step  out  and  stop  his  man, 
discharge  him  on  the  spot,  and  deliver  the  groceries  himself. 
He  put  one  eye  through  a  knot  hole  in  the  fence,  and  saw 
his  horse  was  about  twelve  feet  behind,  and  forgetting  what 
he  was  there  for  he  siezed  a  piece  of  slab  and  went  out  and 
struck  his  horse,  and  yelled  to  his  man,  "Andrew,  throw  out 
some  of  them  baskets  of  potatoes,  and  warm  up  that  horse  a 
little  with  that  mop  handle."  And  he  followed  in  the  dust 
without  his  hat,  offering  to  bet  ten  dollars  that  his  horse 
could  trot  the  stuffing  right  out  of  that  other  horse,  letting 
him  drive.  It  beats  all  how  men  will  change  their  views. 


A  Green  Bay  couple  coming  home  from  a  dance  in  a 
buggy,  /ell  asleeep,  and  the  horse  walked  into  town. 
When  fumd  he  had  her  ear  in  his  mouth,  and  her  eyes 
were  rolled  heavenward  so  that  the  whites  looked  like  a 
china  saucer.  His  arm  was  around  her  waist  and  her  arms 
were  both  about  his  neck,  and  both  seemed  mad  when  they 
were  awakened,  and  it  took  two  men  to  pull  them  apart. 


189 
TRAINS  WITHOUT  CONDUCTORS. 


Since  the  introduction  of  the  patent  air  brake  on  passenger* 
trains,  by  which  brakemen  have  been  dispensed  with,  a 
number  of  patent  right  men  have  been  studying  up  some 
contrivance  to  do  away  with  conductors.  All  have  failed 
except  one,  and  that  fortunate  inventor  is  Col.  Johnson,  of 
the  Railroad  Eating  House,  Milwaukee.  He  has  been  en- 
gaged for  two  years  on  this  patent,  and  has  got  it  so  near 
completed  that  he  has  filed  a  caveat  at  the  Patent  Office, 
and  as  his  rights  are  secured,  it  can  do  no  harm  to  describe 
the  invention,  as  it  is  destined  to  work  quite  a  revolution  in 
the  railroad  business.  It  has  been  Col.  Johnson's  idea  that 
an  arrangement  could  be  made  so  that  an  engineer  of  a  train 
could  have  the  whole  train  under  his  charge,  to  stop  the 
it,  start  it,  collect  fares,  and  bounce  impecunious  passen- 
gers, from  his  position  on  the  engine,  and  do  it  all  by  steam, 
wind  and  water.  A  series  of  pneumatic  tubes  run  from  the 
door  of  each  car  to  the  engine,  with  speaking  tubes.  A 
passenger  gets  on  the  platform,  and  through  the  speaking 
tube  asks  the  engineer  what  the  fare  is  to  such  a  place. 
The  answer  is  returned,  the  fare  is  put  in  the  hopper  of  the 
pneumatic  tube,  it  goes  to  the  engineer,  he  pulls  a  string,  the 
door  flies  open  and  the  passenger  enters.  Not  the  least  im- 
portant part  of  the  machinery  is  the  patent  aeolian  "  boun- 
cer," as  it  is  called.  A  pair  of  ice  tongs  are  placed  so  as  to 
grasp  the  passenger  by  the  seat  of  the  pants,  or  the  polon- 
aise, as  the  case  may  be,  when  he  or  she  gets  on  the  plat- 
form. These  tongs  are  connected  with  the  air  brakes,  in 
such  a  manner  that  by  the  engineer's  touching  a  spring  the 
whole  force  of  the  compressed  air  takes  possession  of  the 
tongs,  and  the  passenger  is  snatched  bald  headed,  metaphori- 
cally speaking.  For  instance,  a  passenger  gets  on  the  plat- 
form at  Portage,  and  the  ice  tongs  grasp  him  or  her  securely. 
If  he  or  she  pays  the  fair,  the  door  is  opened,  the  tongs  re- 
lease their  hold,  and  the  person  is  allowed  to  enter.  .But  if 
the  engineer  should  find  that  they  had  no  money,  or  that 
their  pass  had  run  out,  and  they  were  trying  to  beat  their 
way,  he  would  pull  the  string  and  they  would  be  lifted  back 
on  to  the  depot  steps  and  stood  on  their  heads,  raised  in  the 
air  and  made  to  see  stars.  Col.  Johnson  has  been  offered  a 
fabulous  sum  for  his  patent,  but  he  has  not  decided  whether 


190 

to  sell  or  lease  it.  A  trial  trip  tvas  made  at  Milwaukee,  the 
other  day,  and  though  the  machine  was  not  perfect,  the  ex 
periment  was  not  altogether  a  failure.  A  car  was  arranged 
with  the  apparatus,  and  went  out  to  the  Soldier's  Home. 
Col.  Johnson  and  a  number  of  prominent  railroad  men  were 
on  board.  They  got  a  veteran  soldier  and  a  Polack  woman 
to  allow  the  machine  to  experiment  on  them.  The  machine 
took  hold  of  the  soldier  and  the  engineer  jerked.  The  man 
had  one  leg  torn  off,  and  the  seat  or  his  overcoat  was  ru- 
ined. He  wouldn't  try  again,  so  they  let  the  woman  step 
on  the  platform.  The  engineer  turned  it  the  wrong  way 
and  the  car  seemed  full  of  compressed  air,  and  a  smell  of 
limberger  cheese  pervaded  the  premises.  When  the  smoke 
cleared  off  the  woman  was  not  to  be  found.  After  voting 
the  machine  a  success  the  party  started  for  Milwaukee.  On 
nearing  the  city  a  pair  of  wooden  shoes  were  seen  in  the 
air  coming  down,  and  they  lit  in  the  canal  by  the  tannery.  A 
pair  of  corsets  struck  on  Plankinton's  packing  house,  and 
sections  of  spinal  cord,  and  one  leg  of  a  pair  of  red  draw- 
ers came  down  in  the  Soldiers'  Home,  and  hair  was  found 
on  the  top  of  the  car.  It  is  thought  the  engineer  loaded 
the  air  bouncer  too  heavy,  and  that  it  kicked.  However, 
Col.  Johnson  was  not  discouraged,  and  will  soon  have  his 
patent  on  all  cars.  The  husband  of  the  Polack  woman 
wanted  Johnson  to  pay  him  three  dollars,  but  he  said  he 
didn't  want  to  buy  the  woman.  All  he  wanted  was  to  hire 
her,  anyway.  Col.  Johnson  is  a  great  inventor.  It  was  he 
that  invented  the  stomach  pump,  and  the  automatic  candle 
enunciator,  for  awakening  guests  in  the  night  to  take  early 
trains.  The  latter  he  sold  to  Mr.  Williams,  of  Prairie  du 
Chien,  for  a  large  amount,  and  took  his  pay  in  trade. 

The  season  of  dog  sleds  has  arrived,  and  now  in  such  a 
moment  as  ye  think  not  a  son  of  a  gun  of  a  boy  will  yell  "get 
out  of  the  way,"  and  before  you  have  time  to  catch  your 
breath  a  bull  dog  will  run  between  your  legs  and  you  will 
strike  on  the  pavement,  with  a  hand  sled  pawing  into  the 
small  of  your  back,  and  a  boy  will  crawl  out  from  under  you, 
your  legs  will  be  tangled  up  in  ropes  and  straps,  your  elbow 
skinned,  and  the  bull  dog  will  chaw  your  hat,  and  growl  at 
you.  And  when  you  get  up  the  boy  will  ask  you  to  help 
him  to  hitch  up  his  dog.  They  call  it  fun. 


191 

HA.NSCOMS  COLT. 


Somehow  Hanscom  came  in  possession  of  a  nankeen 
colored  colt.  To  ordinary  horsemen  the  colt  did  not  seem 
to  be  endowed  with  any  particularly  good  points,  but  the 
o\vner  differed  from  a  majority  of  his  neighbors.  The  colt 
was  coming  two  years  old  in  the  spring,  and  Hanscom  made 
up  his  mind  that  it  was  time  the  colt  was  broke.  So,  busi- 
ness being  a  little  slack,  he  concluded  to  break  the  colt  him- 
self. He  hired  a  sulky,  and  hitched  up  the  saffron  colored  step 
ladder,  and  every  morning,  from  daylight  till  eight  o'clock, 
Hanscom  might  have  been  seen  driving  around  town.  As 
long  as  the  old  mare  was  driving  along  ahead,  the  colt  did 
well,  and  Hanscom,  as  he  sat  in  the  sulky,  with  the  lines 
wound  around  his  hands,  his  shoulders  bent  forward  to  be 
ready  for  an  emergency,  looked  like  Budd  Doble.  He  was 
enjoying  it,  and  getting  up  an  appetite  that  was  a  terror  to 
war  prices.  The  other  morning  he  left  the  mare  at  home, 
and  drove  the  colt  alone.  The  colt  went  well  till  he  got 
down  by  Doc.  Kennett's  house,  then  he  backed  the  sulky 
up  on  the  sidewalk,  with  one  wheel  in  the  gutter,  Haascom's 
back  against  a  tree,  and  stood  there.  Capt.  Rossevelt  came 
along  and  asked  Hanscom  what  he  was  doing  there. 
Hanscom  took  hold  of  one  wheel  to  keep  from 
falling  off  the  sulky,  and  said  he  was  waiting  for 
Doc.  Kennett  to  come  out.  He  wanted  to  see 
Doc.  Boss  Callahen  came  along  and  laughed  out  loud  at 
Hanscom,  and  said  he  would  send  Heath's  photograph 
wagon  up  and  have  his  picture  taken.  Everybody  in  the 
First  ward  came  along  and  said  comforting  words  to  Hans- 
com, and  finally,  just  before  he  starved  to  death,  a  team 
came  along  and  the  colt  followed  it  off.  Then  there  was  a 
difference  of  opinion  between  Hanscom  and  the  colt.  Hans- 
com wanted  to  go  home  and  the  colt  did  not,  but  it  was 
finally  settled  by  the  colt  deciding  to  back  the  sulky  home.. 
This  would  have  been  all  right  if  it  had  not  been  for  a  wood 
pile  which  the  colt  backed  into.  The  wood  belonged  to 
Mr.  Austin,  and  when  he  came  out  and  Hanscom  asked 
him  what  he  would  take  for  the  whole  25  cords,  Austin  said 
he  didn't  wish  to  sell  the  wood,  but  "he  would  move  it  out  of  the 
way  so  he  could  get  by,  if  he  would  wait.  Hanscom  said 
he  would  wait,  though  he  hated  to  put  him  to  so  much 


192 

trouble.  Before  the  work  of  removing  the  w»od  was  begun 
a  boy  came  along  with  a  velocipede,  and  the  colt  got  away 
from  there.  He  reared  up  both  ends  at  once,  and  looked 
like  a  yellow  calf  struck  by  a  locomotive  and  he  ran  like  a 
steer.  Hanscom  remained  on  deck.  His  flag  was  still 
there.  Finally  the  colt  stopped  and  backed  against  a  barn. 
The  owner  came  out,  and  Hanscom  asked  him  how  far  it 
was  to  Viroqua.  He  said  he  had  an  appointment  to  preach 
there.  The  man  said  if  he  was  in  a  hurry  he  would  move 
his  barn  on  to  a  vacant  lot  adjoining.  Hanscom  says  he 
has  got  the  kindest  lot  of  neighbors  of  anybody.  Finally  he 
got  the  colt  headed  away  from  home,  and  he  backed  up  to 
Hanscom's  house,  about  10  o'clock.  They  were  both  hun- 
gry. He  says  now  he  thinks  that  colt  is  too  young  to  break, 
and  he  is  going  to  wait  til!  fall  and  hire  Al.  Shepard  to  break 
him.  If  the  colts  Hanscom  has  promised  us  are  that  kind 
we  refuse  to  take  them 


A  correspondent  wants  to  know  who  is  the  author  of  the 
beautiful  song,  "Gently  Down  the  Stream  we  Glide."  Tha 
author  of  that  poem  is  Hon.  N.  S.  Murphey,  of  the  Milwaukee 
Sentinel.  At  the  time  that  George  Fasset,  of  the  Plankinton 
House,  turned  on  the  fire  alarm  by  mistake,  when  he  thought 
he  was  ringing  for  a  bell-boy,  the  firemen  surrounded  the 
house  and  began  to  throw  water.  Murphey  was  in  a  room 
in  the  second  story,  and  becoming  frightened  he  opened  the 
window  and  was  about  to  jump  on  the  pavement.  Chief 
Beck  saw  him  and  told  him  to  jump  OR  a  stream  of  water 
that  was  being  thrown  by  the  firemen,  and  slide  down.  The 
stream  was  turned  to  his  window,  when  he  straddled  it, 
threw  his  arms  around  the  solid  column  of  water  and  slid 
down  in  safety.  He  rushed  to  the  Sentinel  office  and  wrote 
the  song,  "Gently  Down  the  Stream  We  Glide."  When  he 
found  that  it  was  a  false  alarm,  and  that  there  had  been  no 
danger,  he  wrote  a  piece  of  prose  entitled,  "Dam  a  fool, 
anyway."  Murphey  is  one  of  the  best  writers  on  the  press. 

Tom  Reed,  consul  to  Maderia,  was  received  with  a  salute 
of  several  guns,  from  a  ship  in  the  harbor.  Tom  got  down 
behind  a  cracker  barrel  and  got  his  wife  to  look  over  the 
side  of  the  vessel  and  see  which  way  the  guns  were  pointed. 
He  said  he  was  brave  enough,  but  he  didn't  want  any  rol- 
Jer  molds  pointed  towards  ham. 


193 
TROUBLE  AT  THE  DEBATING  SOCIETY. 


There  is  no  use  of  talking,  these  great   political  questions 
can  never  be  settled  by  argument.     It  has  been  tried  in  our 
debating  society.     Last  Saturday  night  they  had  under  dis- 
cussion a  resolution  to  the  effect  that  the   electoral  commis- 
sion was  a  fraud  and  a  disgrace  to  the  nation.     The   repub- 
lican young  men  took  the  negative,  while  those  of  a  demo- 
cratic turn  of  mind  took   the  affirmative.     Party  lines  were 
closely  drawn  and  it  was  noticed  that  after  each  speech  on 
either   side   bad   blood   was   being   raised,  and  a  row   was 
brewing.     Mr.  Howe,  Mr.  Goodwin,  Mr.  Moore,  Mr.  Wal- 
lace, and  other  republicans  had  shown  conclusively  that  the 
democratic  party  was  out  of  state's  prison  simply  on  proba- 
tion, while  the   democratic   orators,  such  as  young  Mr.  Ro- 
dolf,  Mr.   Daniels,  Mr.   Taller   and  Mr.  Cook,  had  demon- 
strated that   the   republicans   who    were   in   state's    prison 
for   stealing,  comprised   nearly   two-thirds   of  the   working 
force  of  the   party.     Mr.    Rodolf  had   the   floor,  and   was 
making  a  beautiful  peroration  on  the  life  and  public  services 
of  the   late    Boss  Tweed,  and   holding   him    up  as  a  bright 
and  shining  ornament  beside  any  prominent  republican  that 
could  be  mentioned,  when  a  voice   said  "liar!"     Mr.  Ro- 
dolf stopped,  placed  his  hand  on  his  pistol  pocket,  and  asked 
to  have  the  remark  repeated.     Mr.  Wallace  got  up  and  said 
that  he  characterized  any  man,  and  he  did  it  boldly,  who  made 
such  statements,  as  an   insurance   agent,  and  he  dared  any 
person   to  take  it  up.     The  chairman,  Mr.  Daniels,  said  he 
had   hoped   the  discussion  would  be   conducted   amicably, 
and  he  longed  for  peace,  but  he  said  he   could  everlastingly 
whip  any   republican   that  would  call  a  democrat  an   insur- 
ance agent.     Hr.  Howe  jumped  up  on  a   bench   and  said 
that  was  the  kind  of  a  hairpin  he  was,  and  he  began  peeling 
his  coat,  when  Mr.  Cook,  who   was  in  the  back  part  of  the 
room,  turned  off  the   gas,  and   took  a  chair   and  began  to 
take  an  account  of  stock.     The  chairman  was  struck  in  the 
mouth  with  the  corner  of  the   Commercial  College   black- 
board, and  he   feel  down  and  a  boot  heel  trod  on  his  fore- 
head.    A  chair  leg  took  Mr.  Howe  on  the  upper  lip,  and 
glanced  off  and  knocked  Mr.  Moore  down  stair?  into  a  pile 
of  slabs.     Mr.  Rodolf  attempted  to  get  out   the  back  door 
to  call  the   police,  when   he  was  knocked  down  by  a  fire 


192 

trouble.  Before  the  work  of  removing  the  w»od  was  begun 
a  boy  came  along  with  a  velocipede,  and  the  colt  got  away 
from  there.  He  reared  up  both  ends  at  once,  and  looked 
like  a  yellow  calf  struck  by  a  locomotive  and  he  ran  like  a 
steer.  Hanscom  remained  on  deck.  His  flag  was  still 
there.  Finally  the  colt  stopped  and  backed  against  a  barn. 
The  owner  came  out,  and  Hanscom  asked  him  how  far  it 
was  to  Viroqua.  He  said  he  had  an  appointment  to  preach 
there.  The  man  said  if  he  was  in  a  hurry  he  would  move 
his  barn  on  to  a  vacant  lot  adjoining.  Hanscom  says  he 
has  got  the  kindest  lot  of  neighbors  of  anybody.  Finally  he 
got  the  colt  headed  away  from  home,  and  he  backed  up  to 
Hanscom's  house,  about  10  o'clock.  They  were  both  hun- 
gry. He  says  now  he  thinks  that  colt  is  too  young  to  break, 
and  he  is  going  to  wait  til!  fall  and  hire  Al.  Shepard  to  break 
him.  If  the  colts  Hanscom  has  promised  us  are  that  kind 
we  refuse  to  take  them 


A  correspondent  wants  to  know  who  is  the  author  of  the 
beautiful  song,  "Gently  Down  the  Stream  we  Glide."  Tho 
author  of  that  poem  is  Hon.  N.  S.  Murphey,  of  the  Milwaukee 
Sentinel.  At  the  time  that  George  Fasset,  of  the  Plankinton 
House,  turned  on  the  fire  alarm  by  mistake,  when  he  thought 
he  was  ringing  for  a  bell-boy,  the  firemen  surrounded  the 
house  and  began  to  throw  water.  Murphey  was  in  a  room 
in  the  second  story,  and  becoming  frightened  he  opened  the 
window  and  was  about  to  jump  on  the  pavement.  Chief 
Beck  saw  him  and  told  him  to  jump  oa  a  stream  of  water 
that  was  being  thrown  by  the  firemen,  and  slide  down.  The 
stream  was  turned  to  his  window,  when  he  straddled  it, 
threw  his  arms  around  the  solid  column  of  water  and  slid 
down  in  safety.  He  rushed  to  the  Sentinel  office  and  wrote 
the  song,  "Gently  Down  the  Stream  We  Glide."  When  he 
found  that  it  was  a  false  alarm,  and  that  there  had  been  no 
danger^  he  wrote  a  piece  of  prose  entitled,  "Dam  a  fool, 
anyway."  Murphey  is  one  of  the  best  writers  on  the  press. 

Tom  Reed,  consul  to  Maderia,  was  received  with  a  salute 
of  several  guns,  from  a  ship  in  the  harbor.  Tom  got  down 
behind  a  cracker  barrel  and  got  his  wife  to  look  over  the 
side  of  the  vessel  and  see  which  way  the  guns  were  pointed. 
He  said  he  was  brave  enough,  but  he  didn't  want  any  rol- 
ler molds  pointed  towards  him. 


193 

TROUBLE   AT   THE   DEBATING    SOCIETY. 


There  is  no  use  of  talking,  these  great   political  questions 
can  never  be  settled  by  argument.     It  has  been  tried  in  our 
debating  society.     Last  Saturday  night  they  had  under  dis- 
cussion a  resolution  to  the  effect  that  the    electoral  commis- 
sion was  a  fraud  and  a  disgrace  to  the  nation.     The   repub- 
lican young  men  took  the  negative,  while  those  of  a  demo- 
cratic turn  of  mind  took   the  affirmative.     Party  lines  were 
closely  drawn  and  it  was  noticed  that  after  each  speech  on 
either   side   bad   blood   was   being   raised,  and  a  row   was 
brewing.     Mr.  Howe,  Mr.  Goodwin,  Mr.  Moore,  Mr.  Wal- 
lace, and  other  republicans  had  shown  conclusively  that  the 
democratic  party  was  out  of  state's  prison  simply  on  proba- 
tion, while  the   democratic   orators,  such  as  young  Mr.  Ro- 
dolf,  Mr.   Daniels,  Mr.   Taller   and  Mr.  Cook,  had  demon- 
strated that   the   republicans   who    were   in   state's    prison 
for  stealing,  comprised   nearly   two-thirds   of  the   working 
force  of  the   party.     Mr.    Rodolf  had   the   floor,  and   was 
making  a  beautiful  peroration  on  the  life  and  public  services 
of  the   late    Boss  Tweed,  and   holding   him   up  as  a  bright 
and  shining  ornament  beside  any  prominent  republican  that 
could  be  mentioned,  when  a  voice  said  "liar!"     Mr.  Ro- 
dolf stopped,  placed  his  hand  on  his  pistol  pocket,  and  asked 
to  have  the  remark  repeated.     Mr.  Wallace  got  up  and  said 
that  he  characterized  any  man,  and  he  did  it  boldly,  who  made 
such  statements,  as  an   insurance   agent,  and  he  dared  any 
person   to  take  it  up.     The  chairman,  Mr.  Daniels,  said  he 
had   hoped   the  discussion  would  be   conducted   amicably, 
and  he  longed  for  peace,  but  he  said  he   could  everlastingly 
whip  any   republican   that  would  call  a  democrat  an   insur- 
ance agent.     Hr.  Howe  jumped  up  on  a   bench  and   said 
that  was  the  kind  of  a  hairpin  he  was,  and  he  began  peeling 
his  coat,  when  Mr.  Cook,  who   was  in  the  back  part  of  the 
room,  turned  off  the   gas,  and   took  a  chair   and  began  to 
take  an  account  of  stock.     The  chairman  was  struck  in  the 
mouth  with  the  corner  of  the   Commercial  College   black- 
board, and  he   feel  down  and  a  boot  heel  trod  on  his  fore- 
head.    A   chair  leg  took   Mr.  Howe  on  the  upper  lip,  and 
glanced  off  and  knocked  Mr.  Moore  down  stairs  into  a  pile 
of  slabs.     Mr.  Rodolf  attempted  to  get  out   the  back  door 
to  call  the   police,  when   he  was  knocked  down  by  a  fire 


194 

poker,  and  a  table  was  turned  over  on  him,  and  a  lily  white 
hand  belonging  to  Wallace  pulled  out  a  lot  of  whiskers.  Ro- 
dolf  said  "wrap  the  flag  around  me  boys,"  and  expired  to 
slow  music.  Young  Mr.  McDonald  jumped  up  and  said, 
"Count  me  in,  Mr.  Returning  Board,"  and  made  for  Mr. 
Pettingill,  a  wicked  republican.  Pettingill  said,  "Count  me 
out,"  and  he  slid  down  the  banister,  and  went  down  into 
Solberg's  grocery  and  armed  himsrlf  with  a  codfish  and  went 
home.  Mr.  Cook  was  struck  in  the  stomach  with  an  una- 
bridged dictionary,  and  a  bottle  of  violet  ink  meandered 
down  the  Wah  Lung  of  Mr.  McDonald.  Mr.  Usher,  the 
policeman,  who  had  been  watching  the  proceedings,  found 
that  the  republicans  were  largely  missing,  so  he  moved  that 
the  resolutions  be  adopted,  which  was  done,  all  present 
voting  in  the  affirmative.  This  vexed  question  is  at  last  set- 
tled, but  at  what  a  sacrifice.  The  boys  are  all  as  well  as 
could  be  expected. 

It  is  one  of  the  mottoes  of  THE  SUN  never  to  publish 
anything  that  would  cause  a  blush  to  mantle  the  cheek  of 
innocence,  or  anybody.  And  yet,  occasionally,  a  person 
finds  fault.  Not  long  since  a  man  said  he  liked  THE  SUN 
well  enough,  only  it  had  too  much  to  say  about  patched 
breeches,  which  was  offensive  to  some.  Well,  some  people 
are  so  confounded  high  toned  that  if  they  were  going  to 
have  a  patch  put  on  they  would  have  it  way  up  on  the 
small  of  their  back.  Some  of  the  best  women  in  the  world 
have  sat  up  nights  to  sew  a  patch  on  their  husband's  pants. 
Martha  Washingion  used  to  do  it.  But,  G.  Lordy,  a  family 
newspaper  must  not  speak  of  a  patch.  When  you  take 
patches  away  from  the  people  you  strike  a  blow  at  their 
liberties.  Don't  be  too  nice. 


Some  idiot  has  invented  a  "cat  teaser"  to  put  on  fences  to 
keep  cats  from  sitting  there  and  singing.  It  consists  of  a 
three-cornered  piece  of  tin,  nailed  on  top  of  of  the  fence. 
We  hope  none  of  our  friends  will  invest  in  the  patent,  for 
statistics  show  that  while  cats  very  often  sit  on  fences  to  med- 
tiate,  yet  when  they  get  it  all  meditated  and  get  ready  to  sing 
a  duet,  they  get  down  off  the  fence  and  get  under  a  currant 
bush.  We  challenge  any  cat  scientist  to  disprove  the  as- 
sertion. 


195 

WATERTOWN  JTJ.NTCION. 


It  does  not  seem  as  though  much  that  is  entertaining 
could  be  written  about  a  railroad  junction,  with  nothing  but 
a  depot,  a  hotel  and  a  saloon,  to  look  at,  does  it  ?  O,  you 
can't  tell.  Sometimes  we  think  that  if  we  were  banished  to 
an  uninhabited  island,  in  the  midst  of  Lake  Koshkonong, 
we  could  fool  around  and  have  lots  of  fun,  if  we  had  our 
shot  gun  along,  and  it  was  the  duck  season.  As  soon  as 
we  struck  the  depot  platform  at  Watertown  Junction  the 
other  night,  and  saw  Pierce,  the  man  that  keeps  the  tavern 
there,  we  regretted  not  having  a  shot  gun  along.  For  a 
year  and  over  we  have  had  him  marked  for  the  sacrifice. 
He  played  a  trick  on  us  last  Summer  that  seals  his  fate,  just 
as  soon  as  we  have  our  gun  along  and  we  meet  him. 

Pierce  is  probably  the  meanest  man  of  his  size  this  side 
of  Kilbourn.  Of  course,  you  take  a  man  seventeen  or 
eighteen  feet  high,  and  broad  in  proportion,  and  he  could 
be  meaner  than  Pierce,  but  we  will  turn  him  out  against  any 
man  of  his  size  for  single  handed  meanness.  One  day  last 
summer  we  stopped  at  the  Junction  with  young  Mr.  Forrest 
Smith,  of  La  Crosse,  and  found  that  it  would  be  necessary 
to  wait  about  three  hours  for  a  train  west.  Desiring  to  go 
down  to  the  city,  a  mile  distant,  and  feeling  repugnance  to 
walking,  owing  to  an  old  army  wound  in  the  hind  leg,  we 
asked  Pierce  it  he  couldn't  hitch  up  a  horse. 

Pierce  never  liked  us  very  well,  anyway,  and  he  tried  to 
get  out  of  it.  He  said,  however,  the  only  horse  he  had  in 
the  barn  was  a  dangerous  horse,  that  would  run  away  and 
kick  things.  Smith  said  that  kind  of  a  horse  was  right  into 
his  hand  and  we  told  Pierce  to  hitch  him  up.  He  said  he 
didn't  like  to,  unless  our  lives  were  insured,  and  he  went  on 
to  tell  how  the  horse  had  run  away  the  week  before  and  killed  a 
couple  of  traveling  men.  But  finally  he  brought  out  the 
horse.  It  was  a  kind  of  a  brindle  horse,  about  thirteen  feet 
high,  clapboarded  on  the  sides  with  ribs,  and  the  most 
vicious  looking  eye  that  we  ever  saw.  He  was  quiet  enough 
when  being  hitched,  only  he  seemed  to  be  looking  around 
for  a  fence  to  jump  over.  Pierce  actually  looked  sad  as  he 
handed  us  the  reins,  and  told  us  to  watch  him  as  he  turned  a 
corner,  and  for  heaven's  sake  not  to  let  him  get  his  tail  over 
the  lines,  for  he  would  jump  right  over  a  house.  We  told 


196 

Smith  we  had  just  as  soon  walk  down  town,  anyway,  but  he 
said  he  was  going  to  ride  if  that  horse  busted  Watertown 
wide  open.  Pierce  said  if  we  come  to  a  bridge,  or  if  there 
was  a  barrel  by  the  side  of  the  road,  or  a  man  come  along 
with  a  wheelbarrow,  we  better  get  out  and  hold  him  by  the 
head.  And  as  we  drove  off,  he  said,  as  a  tear  dropped  from 
his  eye: 

"Now,  George,  if  anything  happens,  you  can't  blame  me, 
can  you  ?" 

Welly  we  thought  if  ever  a  man  had  a  kind  heart  in  him, 
it  was  Pierce,  and  we  started  the  horse.  The  first  thing  we 
come  to  was  a  railroad  track,  and  Smith  got  out  and  went 
ahead  to  look  for  trains.  The  horse  picked  up  his  left  ear, 
and  crooked  about  seven  feet  of  his  neck,  but  he  wasn't 
ready  for  trouble  and  Smith  got  in.  The  horse  walked  leis- 
urely along  the  turhpike  for  about  forty  rods,  when  suddenly 
a  fly  got  on  his  hurricane  deck,  and  he  switched  his  tail, 
and  when  it  came  back  it  got  straddle  of  both  lines,  and  he 
stopped.  We  expected  the  side  show  would  begin  its  after- 
noon performance,  and  handing  the  lines  to  Smith  we  swung 
our  feet  around  back  of  the  huggy  to  jump  out,  in  order  to 
walk  down  town,  riding  having  become  irksome.  Smith 
sawed  on  the  lines  to  get  them  out  from  under  there  till  we 
thought  he  would  saw  the  whole  tail  off,  but  the  horse 
never  noticed  it  at  all.  He  just  stood  there  and  seemed  to 
be  chewing  gum.  Just  then  we  saw  a  tramp  coming  along, 
and  he  was  called  up.  It  was  about  the  time  the  Christian 
Advocate  was  offering  a  premium  of  a  chromo  for  every 
tramp  that  was  killed,  and  no  questions  asked.  We  told  the 
tramp  we  could  a  tail  unfold,  if  we  wanted  to,  but  we  felt 
like  encouraging  the  deserving  poor,  and  if  he  would  re- 
move that  horse's  tail  from  over  the  lines,  we  would  give 
hirn  two  shillings.  He  bit  like  a  bass,  and  walked  up  to 
the  rear  verandah  of  the  horse,  and  took  hold  of  his  tail. 
We  closed  our  eyes,  expecting  that  the  air  would  be  full  of 
tramps,  and  that  his  brains  would  be  spattered  all  over  the 
dashboard.  It  is  fearful  to  think  that  you  have  killed  a 
man,  or  placed  him  in  a  position  to  be  killed,  and  we  ex- 
perienced a  relief  when  the  tail  was  removed  from  over  the 
lines  and  we  paid  the  tramp  the  quarter.  The  horse  went 
along  all  right  for  a  couple  of  blocks,  when  we  saw  a  barrel 
on  the  sidewalk,  and  it  occurred  to  us  that  that  was  the  place 


urn 

where  the  trouble  was  going  to  be.  Smith  got  out  and  stood 
in  front  ofthe  barrel,  so  as  to  make  it  look  more  like  some- 
thing else,  and  the  horse  went  along  all  right.  Then  he  got 
in  and  pretty  soon  there  was  a  corner  to  turn,  and  there  on 
the  corner  was  a  wheelbarrow. 

Pierce  said  the  horse  was  terrible  on  a  corner,  and  that  a 
wheelbarrow  would  set  him  crazy.  Thinking  of  the  two 
traveling  men  the  horse  had  killed,  we  got  out  to  lead  him, 
knowing  that  if  he  was  going  to  run  away  we  could  let  go, 
and  Smith  could  drive.  Any  one  can  drive  a  horse  when 
he  is  running  away.  He  went  around  the  corner  all  right, 
and  didn't  seem  to  notice  the  wheelbarrow,  but  it  was  a 
cpmmon  one  with  only  one  wheel,  and  we  thought  may  be 
it  was  not  his  kind  of  a  wheelbarrow.  Then  he  walked  all 
right  till  the  bridge  was  reached,  and  Smith  got  out  and  led 
the  horse  across.  It  is  probable  that  both  of  us  were  scared, 
for  citizens  began  to  gather  around  the  buggy  to  ask  what 
was  the  matter.  Moak,  the  postmaster,  came  up  with  Doc. 
Spaulding,  thinking  some  accident  had  happened,  and  Cal. 
Cheney,  and  Peter  Brook,  and  Jule  Keyes  and  Uncle  Dennis, 
and  all  of  them  got  around,  and  we  had  to  tell  them  to 
keep  still  for  fear  they  would  scare  the  horse. 

"Scare  him  !"  says  Tom  Peck,  a  horse  dealer  there,  who 
happened  to  come  up,  "You  couldn't  scare  him  with  nitro- 
glycerine. I  traded  him  to  Pierce  for  a  bull  pup  with  a  spot 
on  the  eye.  That  horse  is  safe.  He  worked  in  "  Soje" 
Brown's  brick-yard  in  Jefferson  tor  twenty-two  years,  before 
old  Grieve  used  him  on  the  Cold  Spring  stage.  You  needn't 
be  afraid  of  that  horse.  You  can't  drive  him  off  of  a  walk." 

Well,  if  a  man  had  died,  right  there,  and  given  us  the  yel- 
low fever,  we  couldn't  have  been  more  astonished.  If 
Postmaster  Moak  had  resigned  his  office,  our  astonishment 
couldn't  have  been  any  greater.  The  horse  stood  there 
leaning  against  a  post,  and  he  didn't  look  half  as  savage. 
We  looked  at  Smith,  and  the  color  began  to  come  back 
into  his  face.  He  look  at  us  and  smiled  a  sort  of  sickly 
smile  that  boded  no  good  to  Pierce.  Pierce  had  deceived 
two  bad  men.  He  had  trifled  with  the  feelings  of  brave 
persons  who  would  never  sleep  till  they  had  got  even  with 
him. 

We  left  the  crowd  laughing  at  us,  and  drove  around  a 
block  to  a  pile  of  boards  behind  a  barn.  Smith  got  a  piece 


198 

of  pork  barrel  stave,  and  we  got  a  couple  of  pickets  off  a 
fence,  and  we  both  got  in,  resolved  to  drive  that  horse  off 
of  a  walk,  if  the  lumber  held  out.  Pointing  him  towards 
the  depot,  Smith  applied  the  barrel  stave,  and  we  agitated 
the  pickets  across  his  back.  Never  a  muscle  moved.  You 
might  as  well  pound  a  baggage  car.  He  walked  right  along 
as  though  it  was  the  most  natural  thing  in  the  world  to  be 
mauled  with  whitewash  pickets.  In  time  we  drove  up  to  the 
depot,  and  Pierce  was  standing  there,  real  glad  we  had  got 
back  safe.  We  never  spoke  to  him.  When  he  put  the  old 
crockery  crate  in  the  barn  he  asked  what  made  those  white 
streaks  all  along  the  back  of  the  horse.  That  was  white- 
wash oft"  of  the  pickets.  We  never  would  have  told  him^ 
but  Smith  remarked  that  the  horse  got  scared  at  a  wheel- 
borrow  and  run  through  a  picket  fence,  and  over  into  a 
grave  yard,  and  we  supj  o;e  Pierce  believed  it.  We  have 
been  studying  ever  since  to  get  even  with  Pierce.  What 
kind  of  a  way  was  that  to  treat  a  friend,  anyway  ?  We 
wouldn't  have  hurt  4iis  horse.  O,  it  is  the  natural  cussedness 
that  is  in  him. 


Speaking  of  porous  plasters,  the  party  who  advised  us  by 
mail,  to  use  turpentine  freely,  to  take  off  the  plaster,  is  re- 
quested to  call  at  this  office.  It  it  is  not  our  wish  to  have  a 
conflict  with  any  human  being,  or  have  any  hard  feelings, 
but  when  any  person  advises  us  to  bathe  the  small  of  our 
back  with  spirits  of  turpentine,  friendship  ceases.  We  are 
too  confiding,  we  know  that  well  enough,  and  are  too  apt 
to  take  advice  in  such  matters  without  giving  that  thought 
which  should  precede  all  great  undertakings.  Suffice  it  to 
say  that  we  tried  the  experiment,  and  that  we  are  alive,  and 
so  as  to  be  about,  with  faculties  unimpaired,  is  one  of  the 
marvels  of  the  nineteenth  century.  It  is  our  candid,  un- 
biased opinion  that  turpentine  is  a  delusion  and  a  snare, 
calculated  to  deceive.  It  insinuates  itself  into  the  pores, 
and  goes  around  like  a  roaring  lion,  seeking  whom  it  may 
devour.  And  it  didn't  have  any  more  effect  on  that  plaster 
than  flattery  or  pills  would  on  the  jaundiced  bust  of  Lincoln 
in -the  post  office.  However,  we  bear  no  malice  to  any  one, 
but  if  the  person  that  advised  us  to  use  turpentine  to  take 
off  that  porous  plaster  ever  crosses  our  path,  there'll  be  a  job 
for  some  bearers.  Why  wonder  at  the  prevalence  of  crime  ? 


199 

PULLED    THE    WROJSTQ    THING. 


There  is  nothing  that  will  so  mix  a  man  up  as  to  make  a 
hundred  thousand  dollars  speculating  in  wheat.  We  say 
this  on  information  and  belief.  The  clerk  of  the  Plankinton 
House,  Milwaukee,  Mr.  Geo.  Fassett,  made  a  lucky  strike 
the  other  day,  and  in  the  evening  buttoned  a  hundred  thou- 
sand dollars  in  his  trousers  pocket,  and  all  night  he  thought 
what  he  would  buy  with  it.  During  the  forenoon  he  was 
buying  brown  stone  houses,  in  his  mind,  and  thinking  of 
charitable  objects  on  which  he  could  bestow  a  few  thousand. 
In  the  office  of  the  hotel  are  two  dinguses,  one  of  which  is 
to  call  the  office  boy  from  the  other  side  of  the  river,  and 
the  other  is  the  fire  alarm  telegraph.  While  our  George  was 
thinking  of  his  wealth,  and  how  much  easier  it  was  to  get 
rich  sudden,  than  to  be  poor,  a  guest  asked  him  if  he  could 
send  a  package  of  dirty  linen  to  the  laundry.  In  a 
moment  the  hand  of  the  clerk  was  on  the  concern  that 
calls  a  messenger,  and  he  gave  a  ring  that  had  in  it  a  hun- 
dred thousand  dollars,  and  he  sat  down.  In  about  two  min- 
utes a  steam  fire  engine  came  down  Spring  street  just  a 
whooping,  and  took  suction  on  the  corner,  and  before 
George  could  think,  a  line  of  hose  was  run  into  the  office. 
He  had  pulled  the  wrong  handle.  Before  he  could  tell 
them  a  word  an  engine  came  across  the  bridge  with  steam 
up,  and  seventy-five  firemen  came  in  through  the  bar-room 
and  run  two  lines  of  hose  up  stairs,  and  the  guests  began  to 
get  out  their  trunks.  A  hook  and  ladder  company  run  lad- 
ders up  the  windows,  and  hauled  hose  into  the  parlor,  and 
down  through  the  hall.  A  patent  fire  escape  was  set  up  in 
the  alley,  and  another  engine  came  down  West  Water  street 
and  run  a  line  of  hose  in  through  the  billiard  room.  Every 
body  flew  around  and  the  fire  brigade  connected  with  the 
hotel  got  out  the  hose  belonging  to  the  house,  and  a  lot 
more  engines,  and  insurance  agents  came  in  with  a  tarpaulin, 
and  the  house  was  full  of  firemen,  and  the  whole  town  col- 
lected. And  George,  where  was  he  ?  Where  was  the  boy 
that  stood  on  the  burning  deck  ?  He  saw  that  he  had  made 
a  mistake,  the  mistake  of  his  life,  and  had  pulled  the  wrong 
dingus,  and  wrapping  his  toga  around  him,  he  laid  down 
on  a  basket  of  Beaches  and  said,  "I  die  by  the  hand  of  an 
assassin."  Those  were  his  last  words.  But  no,  come  to 


200 

think,  he  did  say,  as  the  firemen  were  reeling  up  their  hose 
in  disgust,  "Boys,  -take  something,"  and  the  soft  moon  rose 
up  slowly,  and  calmly  she  looked  down,  upon  a  row  of  peo- 
ple standing  in  front  of  a  counter,  and  one  ot  them  said, 
"a  little  more  sugar  in  mine,  please." 


Peter  Cooper  always  carries  a  rubber  air  cushion,  which 
he  blows  up  and  places  in  a  chair  or  street  car,  before  sitting 
down.  The  other  day  in  a  Third  avenue  car,  he  was  seated 
on  his  air  cushion,  when  a  well  dressed  lady  sat  down  be- 
side him.  She  had  a  large  pin  to  fasten  up  her  dress  on  the 
side,  and  as  she  sat  down  the  pin  struck  Peter's  air  cushion, 
and  the  air  began  to  escape  with  hissing  sound.  The  stream 
of  air  struck  the  lady  on  the  side  of  the,  as  it  were,  the — 
well,  where  would  it  naturally  strike  a  person,  if  not  on  the 
elbow  ?  She  looked  at  Mr.  Cooper,  and  he  began  to  sink 
down,  and  look  as  though  the  greenback  returns  were  com- 
ing in,  and  then  the  woman  stopped  the  car  and  yelled  for  a 
policeman,  claiming  the  old  man  had  stabbed  her.  Both 
were  taken  to  a  police  station,  when  it  being  found  that  she 
was  not  wounded,  Peter  was  allowed  to  go  and  have  his 
cushion  mended. 

A  correspondent  wants  to  know  if  we  think  it  is  right  for 
Beecher  to  get  $30,000  a  year  for  preaching,  and  then  to 
say  that  poor  people  ought  to  live  on  bread  and  water.  O, 
we  don't  know.  If  they  give  him  too  much  money,  he  could 
give  some  of  it  away  if  he  wanted  to.  He  may  be  all  right, 
but  we  should  not  be  surprised  to  see  him  sell  out  his  influ- 
ence with  Plymouth  Church  to  the  devil,  if  he  could  be 
promised  an  appointment  to  run  the  only  ice  house  in  hell. 
He  is  great  on  monopolies,  Beecher  is,  and  yet  we  may  mis- 
judge him.  Our  correspondent  better  write  to  him  about  it. 


There  is  a  general  belief  that  the  Indian  war  was  got  up 
to  frighten  the  traveling  administration  home.  Secretary 
Schurz  and  Gen.  Key  are  so  busy  at  their  desks  that  they  do 
not  look  up  when  a  man  comes  in  to  assess  them  for  politi- 
cal purposes.  The  other  day  a  boy  in  the  street  whooped 
like  an  Indian  and  Schurz  held  his  hair  on  with  one  hand 
and  crawled  under  the  table.  He  says  that  this  Indian 
business  beats  anything  he  ever  saw. 


201 
WE  ALL  GOT  BEHIND  SOMETHING. 


There  is  no  use  of  disguising  the  fact,  that  when  that 
crazy  man  got  the  revolver  away  from  the  deputy  sheriff 
and  went  whooping  around  bareheaded,  in  his  stocking  feet, 
wild  as  a  hawk,  firing  it  promiscuously,  there  was  a  feeling 
of  unsafeness,  as  it  were,  and  men  who  would  be  brave  even 
to  rashness,  ordinarily,  felt  as  though  it  was  none  of  their 
funeral,  and  they  gave  State  street  a  wide  berth.  At  this 
point  permit  us  to  make  a  personal  explanation.  We  felt  as 
though  we  ought  to  spring  on  the  man  and  capture  him, 
and  once  we  got  within  two  blocks  of  him,  and  was  just 
gathering  for  a  final  spring.  It  was  our  intention  to  grasp 
him  by  the  throat  with  our  left  hand,  look  him  firmly  in  the 
eye.  take  the  revolver  away,  bind  him  hand  and  foot  with  a 
bed  cord,  which  we  intended  to  go  to  the  house  and  uncord 
from  one  of  those  old-fashioned  beds ;  that  was  what  we  were 
after  when  our  folks  found  us  under  the  bed — and  then  turn 
h'm  over  to  Hatch.  It  maybe  asked  what  the  crazy  man 
would  be  doing  all  the  time  we  were  looking  him  in  the  eye. 
That  never  occurred  to  us.  However,  an  incident  occurred 
which  allowed  him  to  escape,  and  Hatch  got  him,  so  it  is 
just  as  well.  We  were  rushing  down  State  street  after  the 
fleeing  man,  when,  just  at  the  Third  street  crossing  we 
noticed  that  we  were  gaining  on  him.  The  revolver  was 
just  as  plain  as  the  nose  on  your  face.  Jn  a  moment  more 
we  should  be  upon  him,  and  blood  would  flow.  People 
gave  way  for  us  and  gazed  upon  us  with  blanched  faces. 
At  this  moment  we  looked  down  Third  street  and  saw  Ben 
Simonton  making  middling  tall  time  towards  his  feed  store, 
and  all  of  a  sudden  we  remembered  that  we  owed  him  six 
shillings  for  some  oats,  and  before  we  could  prevent  it  we 
were  going  down  Third  street  to  pay  Ben  and  the  man  got 
away.  Finding  Mr.  Simonton  behind  a  barricade  of  grain 
sacks,  we  hurriedly  paid  him,  and  were  about  rushing  away 
without  waiting  for  our  change,  to  catch  the  man,  when 
Ben  stood  before  us  and  would  not  let  us  go.  He  said  good 
men  were  too  scarce,  and  he  finally  prevailed  upon  us  to  go 
behind  some  sacks,  out  of  harm's  way.  That  was  the  reason 
we  didn't  catch  the  man. 

Harvey  Hubbard  said  when  he  saw  that  crazy  man  with 
the  revolver,  he  happened  to  think  that  he  had  left  his  dog 


202 

untied  and  he  went  back  to  tie  him  up,  for  fear  ne  would 
get  out  and  bite  somebody. 

Smith  was  down  on  the  corner  when  the  crazy  man  got 
the  revolver.  At  the  first  shot  the  coat  tails  of  Smith's  coat 
flapped  past  Pasche's  corner  like  a  streak  of  gray  lightning, 
and  the  old  man  was  about  two  feet  ahead  of  his  coat  tail- 
He  said  he  was  in  a  hurry  to  go  down  to  the  postoffice  to 
get  the  Christian  at  Work  out  of  his  box.  He  was  not 
afraid  of  the  man. 

Symes  almost  had  hold  of  the  man,  but  happened  to  think 
that  the  boys  were  out  of  copy,  so  he  went  back  to  the 
office.  He  said  when  asked  why  he  didn't  stop  the  man, 
that  he  didn't  have  any  bill  against  him. 

Will  Webb  could  have  seized  the  crazy  man,  but  he  had 
to  go  and  feed  his  dog.  He  said  a  dog  always  ought  to  be 
ted  about  ten  o'clock. 

After  the  crazy  man  fired  two  shots,  Capt.  Roosevelt's 
rheumatism  left  him,  he  jumped  over  a  freight  wagon  loaded 
with  dry  goods  boxes,  and  made  the  best  time  on  record  to 
his  store.  He  said  he  had  never  had  any  introduction  to 
the  man,  and  being  naturally  of  a  retiring  disposition,  he 
wasn't  going  around  scraping  acquaintances.  Besides,  he 
didn't  know  but  the  man  had  been  ordered  out  of  town. 

Somebody  asked  Bunn  Webb  why  he  didn't  catch  him. 
He  said  he  hadn't  lost  any  crazy  man. 

We  asked  Postmaster  Seymour  to  go  down  with  us  and 
help  catch  the  crazy  man  and  get  the  revolver  away  from 
him.  Seymour  said  the  president's  civil  service  order  pre- 
vented him  from  taking  any  active  part  in  worldly  affairs, 
but  he  would  tend  post  office  and  let  Ellis  and  the  rest  of 
the  force  go  and  catch  him,  as  the  man  ought  to  be  caught. 

Orange  Williams,  of  Janesville,  was  on  the  street  when 
the  crazy  man  came  along  firing  the  pistol,  and  seeing  how 
cool  and  collected  we  were — we  had  just  collected  fifty 
cents  from  an  ice  man — he  asked  us  what  the  celebration 
was  about.  We  told  him  there  was  no  celebration,  only  an 
escaped  lunatic  shooting  a  few  people.  That  was  the  last 
we  saw  of  Williams  until  the  man  was  captured,  and  when 
we  helped  him  down  out  of  the  tree  in  front  of  BussePs  office 
and  asked  him  what  he  had  his  umbrella  raised  for  up  there 
he  said  he  was  afraid  of  getting  his  feet  wet.  He  said  if  he 
had  lived  here  he  would  have  captured  the  man. 


203 

MADISON  LETTERS. 


[Following  are  extracts  from  letters  written  the  La  Crosse  SUN  by  Mr.  Peck 
during  sessions  of  the  legislature  :J 

It  is  my  painful  duty  to  write  another  great  long  lettei. 
I  say  painful,  because  it  is  getting  so  it  strains  me  to  do  any- 
thing. Early  in  the  season  I  could  sit  down  and  write  three 
columns  of  lies  with  one  hand  tied  behind  me,  and  never 
blush,  but  now  it  is  different.  Since  Beecher,  the  great  re- 
vivalist, was  here,  and  spoke  so  eloquently  on  the  fall  of 
man,  and  the  need  of  making  arrange  merits  for  the  future, 
1  have  become  a  changed  man.  It  hurts  me  to  lie  now, 
and  when  anything  hurts,  then  I  quit.  It  is  wrong  to  lie, 
and  a  man  who  follows  it  up  will  come  to  some  bad  end.  I 
came  near  coming  to  a  bad  end,  on  the  cars  the  other  day. 
A  fellow  from  Kilbourn  put  some  brass  headed  carpet  tacks 
on  a  seat  in  the  smoking  car,  and  I  sat  down  in  the  next 
seat  to  them.  A  German  from  Portage,  with  a  meerscham 
pipe,  he  came  to  a  bad  end.  He  sat  in  that  seat.  There 
are  those  who  say  the  Germans  are  phlegmatic,  and  slow  of 
speech,  and  slow  to  see  the  point  of  a  joke.  That  foreigner 
from  Portage  was  not  of  that  kind.  He  saw  through  the 
joke  in  less  than  two  minutes  from  the  time  he  struck  the 
seat,  and  any  person  who  says  a  German  has  not  command 
of  the  English  language,  is  a  liar.  He  arose  as  one  man, 
and  striking  an  attitude,  with  one  hand  on  his  meerscham 
pipe,  and  the  other  on  Jordan's  stormy  bank,  he  addressed 
the  speaker  in  the  following  choice  but  parliamentary  lan- 
guage. Making  a  gesture  around  to  the  southwest,  allowing 
his  hand  to  remain  where  it  would  do  the  most  good,  he 
asserted : 

"Kritz  Dunntr-vetter  Gott  for  Damnokmall  Hellity  split 
ouskaspieled  Nord  Stern  Buffalo  county  Deiteher  Verein 
Ortalaska,  How  high  is  dot,  dam  fool  of  yourself  " 

The  brakeman  told  if  him  he  didn't  stop  swearing  and  take 
his  hand  off  his  pistol  pocket,  he  would  throw  him  through 
a  window,  and  gallop  over  him.  Then  the  German  sat 
down,  but  he  appeared  to  have  something  heavy  weighing 
on  his  mind. 


Well,  there  is  something  the   matter  with  me   this  winter, 
as  sure  as  you  live.     I  can't  go  on  any  railroad  without  some- 


204 

thing  will  happen  to  make  the  train  behind  for  a  day  or  two. 
Feeling  that  I  had  treated  the  old  St.  Paul  Railroad  very 
shabbily  by  patronizing  the  Northwestern  so  largely,  I 
came  down  this  time  on  the  St.  Paul  road.  What  I  want 
to  do  is  to  divide  my  patronage  between  the  two  roads  as 
equally  as  possible,  so  that  there  shall  be  no  jealousy  between 
the  two  corporations.  I  want  to  avoid  any  clash  between 
the  great  monopolies,  such  as  would  be  inevitable  if  I  should 
pay  for  all  my  riding  on  one  particular  road.  The  St. 
Paul  road  had  already  begun  to  feel  the  loss  of  my  custom, 
and  a  number  of  the  general  officers  had  asked  me  if  any- 
thing had  happened  to  break  our  friendly  relations,  and  so 
I  started  Tuesday  morning  on  the  old  standby.  From  the 
moment  I  got  into  the  bus,  everything  was  lovely,  except 
that  I  wondered  how  Dave  Law  could  wear  that  new  over- 
coat if  all  the  trips  contained  only  two  such  passengers  as 
myself  and  the  conductor,  neither  of  whom  had  a  nickel. 
Cheered  by  the  smile  of  Colonel  McCarty,  the  train  was 
boarded  on  its  arrival  from  the  North,  and  it  was  immedi- 
ately seen  that  the  company  had  done  everything  possible 
to  make  me  comfortable.  There  was,  among  the  passengers 
the  sheriff  of  Pierce  county,  Tom  Nelson,  with  an  idiot,  on 
the  way  to  the  Asylum.  One  look  from  that  idiotic  person 
would  drive  sleep  from  a  graven  image.  He  would  look  at 
you,  cross  eyed,  from  three  different  directions  at  once,  and 
with  both  hands  he  would  be  conveying  crackers  and  cheese 
into  his  capacious  maw.  Then  when  you  began  to  get 
used  to  him,  and  drop  off  into  a  gentle  slumber  he  would 
give  vent  to  one  of  the  most  unearthly  yells  ever  heard. 
Not  loud,  but  deep,  and  varied  in  its  expression.  It  would 
be  a  cross  between  the  bark  of  a  mad  dog,  and  the  noise 
that  would  be  made  by  a  man  choking  to  death,  and  the 
hair  would  stand  on  end.  Then  there  was  a  new  married 
couple  ahead  of  me,  from  Winona,  that  had  evidently  been 
married  early  in  the  evening.  They  acted  awful.  She 
would  look  at  the  idiot — not  her  husband,  but  the  other  one 
—and  become  frightened,  and  hug  up  close  to  the  other 
idiot,  and  the  cussed  fool  would  draw  away  from  her,  and 
tell  her  to  be  careful.  Then  she  would  bite  him  on  the  ear,  and 
he  would  never  bite  back  on  her  ear,  but  would  color  up 
and  look  out  of  the  window.  Between  the  two  idiots  I  think 
the  one  on  the  way  to  the  Asylum  knew  the  most.  J  have 


205 

never  seen  a  young  woman  seem  to  suffer  as  much  for  want 
of  sympathy,  and  encouragement,  as  she  did,  and  as  old  as 
I  am,  and  as  hardened  as  I  have  become,  from  buffeting 
around  the  world,  at  times,  as  I  watched  them,  and  saw  her 
pleading  for  encouragement,  and  looking  at  him  with  her 
soft,  liquid  eyes,  and  falling  upon  him,  and  biting  his  ear, 
and  feeling  as  though  she  wanted  to  be  wrapped  up  in  his 
arms  and  squoze,  it  did  seem  to  me,  as  gray  as  I  am,  that  I 
never  could  curl  up  in  one  of  those  car  seats  and  go  to 
sleep.  But  I  did. 

About  four  o'clock  in  the  morning,  when  near  Tomah,  I 
woke  up  and  found  them  asleep,  her  head  on  his  shoulder, 
his  mouth  full  of  hair,  her  hand  in  his  bosom,  and  his  hand 
in  his  hip  pocket,  and  both  were  snoring,  and  the  other 
idiot  laughing  and  eating  cheese.  Just  tnen  I  looked  out 
of  the  window  and  saw  a  bob  sled  coming  down  apparently 
out  of  the  clouds,  a  binding  pole  bumping  against  the  fence, 
the  air  full  of  hay,  one  steer  coming  down  head  first  in  the 
road,  and  another  with  the  yoke  on,  whooping  it  up  the 
road  with  his  tail  up,  and  two  scared  men  in  the  road  yell- 
ing "whoa,  dam  you!"  The  train  stopped, and  I  went  out. 
The  engine  had  run  into  a  load  of  hay  on  the  track,  the 
steers  having  got  stuck  and  couldn't  haul  it  off.  The  engine 
looked  like  an  elephant  that  had  gone  through  a  hay  stack. 
The  pilot  was  gone,  the  engineer  was  saying  his  catechism, 
the  farmers  were  trying  to  bring  the  remaining  steer  to, 
and  to  catch  the  other  one,  and  trying  to  explain  to  Cap. 
Beardsley  how  it  happened.  We  all  helped  mow  the  hay  off 
the  engine,  and  pick  pieces  of  bob  sled  out  of  the  works  of 
the  machine,  and  we  started  again.  During  all  the  haying 
the  new  married  couple  never  woke  up,  and  for  fear  they 
were  dead,  Mr.  Beardsley  felt  of  her  pulse  and  I  felt  of  the 
man's,  and  while  her's  was  beating  at  180  a  minute,  his  was 
27  degrees  below  zero.  I  never  saw  such  a  discrepancy  be- 
fore in  my  life. 

Well,  we  got  to  Portage  just  as  Mr.  Fox's  folks  were  sit- 
ting down  to  breakfast,  and  as  they  seemed  to  expect  it,  we 
all  eat  with  them,  leaving  the  new  married  couple  alone  in 
the  car.  There  are  times  when  all  people  want  to  be  alone, 
and  when  we  returned  to  the  car  she  was  at  the  tank  drink- 
ing ice  water,  and  he  was  shivering  with  his  overcoat  on. 
An  arctic  expedition  would  be  a  4th  of  July  picnic,  for 
warmth,  beside  that  man. 


206 

As  usual  the  La  Crosse  delegation,  consisting  of  Senator 
Wing,  Attorney  General  Dyson,  and  the  bulldozer,  took  the 
Northwestern  train,  at  La  Crosse,  for  this  place  on  Monday 
night,  and  all  participated  in  an  accident.  The  accident 
consisted  of  the  train  arriving  in  Madison  on  time.  Such  a 
thing  has  not  occurred  before  since  the  snow  has  been  so 
deep.  When  the  party  arrived  at  the  hotel  at  Elroy  the 
landlord  opened  all  the  doors,  supposing  that-  Wing  was 
going  to  sleep  there  again.  He  says  Wing  is  better  than  a 
coal  stove.  It  seems  an  awful  price  to  pay  six  shillings  for 
a  meal  when  you  are  not  hungry,  but  you  have  got  to  do  it 
or  the  landlord  will  think  you  are  from  the  country,  and 
have  a  lunch  in  your  satchel.  There  is  nothing  that  so 
gives  a  man  away  as  to  open  a  satchel  and  take  out  a  lunch. 
I  have  been  riding  on  the  cars  and  have  made  the  acquaint- 
ance of  people  who  would  listen  to  my  stories,  and  take  in 
every  word  as  gospel  truth.  They  would  seem  to  hang  on 
my  words  with  pleasure,  and  be  apparently  glad  they 
had  become  acquinted  with  one  who  combined  so  many 
graces  of  mind  and  person,  and  they  would  gather  around 
so  as  not  to  miss  a  single  lie  that  I  might  tell.  And  yet 
when  I  took  a  paper  parcel  out  of  my  valise  and  opened  up 
a  lunch,  consisting  of  bread  and  onions,  and  sausage  and 
sweitzer  cheese,  they  would  draw  coldly  away  from  me  and 
and  sit  in  the  farther  part  of  the  car,  and  appear  never  to 
have  known  me.  Why  it  is  I  do  not  know.  I  arn  not 
mean  about  a  lunch,  always  offering  to  divide.  I  remember 
once  of  offering  a  lady  from  Eau  Claire  a  slice  of  bread  and 
a  half  of  a  red  onion.  She  looked  hungry,  and  yet  she 
said  she  didn't  care  to  eat.  Thinking  she  had  a  delicacy 
about  accepting  food  at  the  hands  of  one  who  was  almost  a 
stranger  to  her,  I  turned  the  bread  and  onion  into  her  lap, 
and  said  she  was  entirely  welcome  to  it.  What  did  she  do  ? 
Instead  of  eating  it,  and  thanking  me,  she  threw  it  out  of 
the  window,  and  went  and  sat  by  the  stove.  I  was  never 
so  offended  in  my  life.  That  woman  may  see  the  time  she 
will  want  that  onion,  and  I  would  see  her  almost  perish  of 
starvation  before  she  could  have  any  more  of  my  onion. 

But  I  have  got  off  from  the  Northwestern,  away  over  on 
to  the  St.  Paul  Road,  and  I  will  come  back.  On  the  train 
that  night  was  a  woman  with  ten  children ;  none  of  them 
over  ten  or  eleven  years  old.  She  got  them  all  into  three 


207 

seats,  and  it  was  interesting  to  see  her  look  at  them  as 
though  taking  an  account  of  stock.  She  seemed  overworked, 
and  the  passengers  took  an  interest  in  her.  She  was  from 
somewhere  up  the  Valley  road,  near  Wausau,  and  was  going 
to  Baraboo,  where  her  husband  was  going  to  meet  her  with 
a  sleigh.  It  became  a  question  as  to  how  she  was  going  to 
unload  them,  but  two  large  hearted  gentlemen,  Myron 
McCord  and  George  Kidder,  of  Hudson,  offered  to  assist  her. 
When  the  train  stopped  at  Baraboo  these  gentlemen  each 
took  a  load  of  little  fellows,  and  the  mother  took  the  balance, 
and  they  went  out  in  the  cold.  The  husband  was  waiting, 
and  after  consuming  a  few  minutes  in  kissing  his  family,  he 
loaded  them  into  the  straw  for  an  eight  mile  ride,  thanked 
the  gentlemen,  and  hoped  they  might  be  similarly  blessed, 
and  drove  oft,  and  McCord  and  Kidder  came  in  the  car 
looking  happy,  until  Me,  who  had  carried  a  pair  of  twins, 
found  some  mdasses  candy  on  his  vest,  in  two  different  lan- 
guages, and  then  it  took  all  the  way  to  Madison  to  wash  it 
off,  so  his  vest  did  not  have  that  peculiar  molasses  smell. 
All  is  not  gold  that  glitters,  and  all  men  who  appear  to  be 
kind  hearted  to  those  in  trouble,  are  not  so,  but  those  two 
men  are,  and  Myron  uses  violet  perfumery  on  his  vest. 


Everybody  seems  to  think  everything  of  me  here,  and  yet 
they  do  play  some  uncommon  severe  jokes  on  me.  There 
is  a  man  here  named  Smith,  who  has  an  imported  short 
horn  velocipede,  which  he  rides  around  the  asphaltum  walks 
in  the  park.  Years  ago  I  learned  to  ride  a  velocipede,  and 
when  Mr.  Chittenden,  of  the  Commercial  Times,  challenged 
me  to  get  on  it,  in  a  weak  moment  I  did  so.  I  hope  I  may 
be  forgiven  for  doing  so.  I  say  I  got  on  it.  I  could  ride  a 
little,  and  when  I  began  to  get  a  little  confidence,  and  got 
proud,  a  nigger  came  along  with  a  wheelbarrow  loaded  with 
coal.  Chittenden,  or  some  of  them,  said  they  would  bet 
the  beer  1  couldn't  catch  the  nigger.  Well,  I  knew  I  could 
catch  the  nigger.  I  hadn't  lost  any  nigger,  but  when  he 
started  on  a  run,  with  his  wheelbarrow,  I  started  with  the 
velocipede.  I  wish  I  could  draw  a  curtain  over  this  busi- 
ness, but  confession  is  good  for  the  sole  of  one's  pants.  I 
was  gaining  on  the  colored  population,  and  a  crowd  was 
looking  on,  and  the  black  man  looked  around  to  see  how 
near  I  was,  and  he  run  his  wheelbarrow  into  a  tree,  just  as  I 


208 

overtook  him,  and  there  was  a  crash.  There  we  were,  all 
piled  up,  one  of  the  nigger  and  two  of  me,  and  the  wheel- 
barrow and  bycicle,  and  the  coal.  I  was  split  from  the 
back  of  my  neck  away  down  there  by  my  sirloin,  my  ear 
was  full  of  asphalt  pavement,  one  handle  of  the  wheelbar- 
row had  run  up  my  trowsers  leg  and  was  trying  to  pull  the 
rest  of  the  wheelbarrow  and  the  nigger  up  too;  the  colored 
man's  head  had  run  through  between  me,  and  my  vest  pock- 
ets were  full  of  coal.  The  hind  wheel  of  the  velocipede  was 
across  my  neck,  my  elbow  was  skinned  clear  to  its  ankle, 
and  my  wrist  was  out  of  joint.  I  could  stand  all  that,  but 
to  lay  there  on  the  ground  with  a  colored  man,  and  have 
the  velocipede  stand  and  kick  me  after  I  was  down,  and 
have  the  wheelbarrow  try  to  hook  me,  and  to  have  the 
crowd  laugh  and  yell,  was  too  much,  and  yet  I  won  the 
beer.  Any  man  who  saw  the  race  would  say  I  caught  the 
nigger,  and  yet  Chiltenden  wants  to  leave  it  to  the  Su- 
preme Court  Returning  Board.  That  beats  me. 


There  are  a  great  many  stories  told  here  about  Madison 
boarding  houses.  Nearly  one-third  are  liable  to  contain 
boarders  during  the  session.  The  experience  of  young  Mr. 
Meeker,  of  La  Crosse,  in  seeking  a  boarding  house,  is  a 
warning.  He  had  made  up  his  mind  that  to  be  a  good  cor- 
respondent of  a  La  Crosse  paper,  one  must  be  careful  to  get 
more  sleep  than  it  is  possible  to  obtain  around  the  hotels, 
which  are  so  full,  so  he  secured  a  boarding  house.  At  early 
candle  light  on  the  first  night  he  bid  his  friends  an  affection- 
ate adieu,  and  went  home.  On  the  stairs  he  stepped  on  a 
cat  and  a  litter  of  kittens,  and  at  the  top  of  the  stairs  he  fell 
over  a  slop  pail,  which  fell  down  stairs  and  stunned  the  old 
cat.  and  drowned  some  of  the  kittens.  Another  boarder 
stuck  his  head  out  of  a  room  and  asked  Meeker  if  he  had 
struck  granite.  "Avast  there  !  Ship  ahoy,"  said  Meeker,  as 
he  poured  the  water  out  of  his  boots.  Then  he  went  to  his 
room  and  turned  in.  There  was  no  light,  and  he  got  into 
bed.  It  was  the  cold  night  of  the  season  and  he  began  to 
.freeze.  He  felt  down  to  the  foot  of  the  bed  for  more 
clothing,  and  got  hold  of  a  brick  and  run  his  arm  into 
about  a  foot  of  snow,  that  was  on  the  bed.  The  wind 
blew  a  perfect  hurricane,  and  the  brick  was  put  on  to  hold 
the  bed  clothes  down.  He  got  up  and  put  on  his  ulster  and 


209 

overshoes  and  went  back  to  bed,  and  froze  it  out  till  morn- 
ing, and  got  up  a  sadder  man.  The  water  in  his  pitcher 
was  solid  ice,  the  snow  bank  on  the  bed  was  so  large  that 
nothing  but  a  snow  plow  could  clear  it  off,  one  ear  wa» 
froze,  and  he  had  thawed  a  place  in  the  snow  two  feet  by 
six,  that  looked  like  a  bath  tub.  He  looked  the  thing  over 
and  made  up  his  mind  he  would  not  take  any  more  cheap 
boarding  house  in  his,  and  he  now  sits  and  thaws  his  ear  at 
the  grate  in  the  reading  room  of  the  .Park  Hotel,  and  sleeps 
out  in  the  park,  with  a  board  sign  "keep  off  the  grass,"  over 
him  for  a  bed  quilt,  and  he  says  it  beats  that  boarding  house 
for  warmth,  by  a  good  big  majority. 

The  State  Historical  Society  has  been  enriched  by  a  valu- 
able specimen,  and  a  reminder  of  the  prowess  of  one  of  her  • 
mighty  hunters.  It  is  the  head  of  a  buffalo  bull,  slaughtered 
by  Major  Burnett,  of  River  Falls,  the  present  Member  from 
Piercer  county,  better  known  as  "Buffalo  Bill,"  by  those  who 
are  acquainted  with  him.  He  was  out  on  the  plains  last 
summer,  organizing  Sunday  Schools  among  the  benighted 
Indians.  One  day,  after  starting  a  new  Sabbath  school  at  a 
Sioux  encampment,  he  started  for  the  agency  alone,  on  foot, 
a  distance  of  forty  miles,  through  snow  so  deep  that  in  many 
places  he  was  obliged  to  dig  his  way  under  the  drifts. 
Through  a  hostile  country,  his  way  was  not  a  way  of  pleas- 
antness, nor  his  path  a  path  of  peace.  When  he  had  ac- 
complished about  half  the  distance,  and  had  sat  down  on  a 
grassy  mound  to  lunch  off  a  piece  of  raw  dog  that  a  friendly 
squaw  had  given  him,  with  her  blessing,  and  a  pair  of  bead 
moccasins,  he  saw  a  large  bull  making  directly  for  him,  with 
his  head  down  and  blood  in  his  eye.  The  Major  was  un- 
armed except  that  he  had  a  testament,  and  a  hair  pin  that 
he  had  found  in  his  vest  pocket  after  lerving  the  camp  of 
the  Sioux,  where  he  was  presented  with  the  raw  dog.  His 
first  thought  was  to  dig  a  hole  and  crawl  into  it,  and  pull 
the  hole  in  after  him,  but  his  time  was  limited,  the  bull  was 
nearing  his  outer  works,  and  so  he  climbed  a  shag  bark 
hickory.  The  bull  stopped  under  the  tree,  and  the  Major, 
at  the  proper  moment,  hurled  the  hair  pin  into  his  vitals, 
and  the  bull  expired.  The  major  saved  the  head  for  the 
State  Historical  Society,  and  gave  the  larger  part  of  the  valu- 
able meat  to  his  friend.  Jerry  Flint,  of  River  Falls,  as  a  slight 
token  of  esteem.  When  he  reached  home  the  whole  vill- 


210 

lage  turned  out  to  welcome  the  Major,  and  his  people  sent 
him  to  to  the  legislature.  In  fact  here  was  a  case  of  bull- 
dozing. Some  of  his  enemies  endeavor  to  make  people 
believe  that  the  Major  bought  the  bull's  head  and  so  forth 
of  an  Indian  for  six  shillings,  but  those  who  know  the  fiery 
spirit  within  him  will  not  believe  it.  People  who  gaze  upon 
the  placid  features  of  the  bull,  over  the  door  af  the  State 
Historical  Society,  Iktle  dream  of  the  hot  place  the  Major 
was  in  before  he  climbed  the  tree. 

I  rise  to  a  personal  explanation.  The  papers  all  around 
here  are  saying  that  I  have  a  new  Sunday  Lecture,  with  a 
bad  title,  as  bad  in  fact  as  elder  Huntly's  "Boss  Devil."  The 
way  of  it  was  this.  A  man  in  a  neighboring  city  tele- 
graphed me  to  know  if  I  would  deliver  a  "Sunday  Lecture," 
and  telling  me  to  choose  my  subject,  and  answer  by  tele- 
graph. I  thought  it  was  some  joke  of  the  boys.  The  idea 
of  my  delivering  a  Sunday  lecture  was  ridiculous,  so,  in  a 
moment  of  thoughtlessneess  I  telegraphed  back,  "What  in 

the  d do  you  take  me  for?"  I  supposed  that  that  would 

be  enough  to  inform  the  man  that  I  was  not  in  the  busi- 
ness. What  do  you  suppose  he  did  ?  He  telegraphed 
back  to  me  as  follows:  "All  right.  We  have  advertised  you 
for  Sunday.  Subject,  "What  the  d — 1  do  you  take  me  for." 
You  can  judge  something  of  my  surprise  and  indignation. 

That  is  how  it  was. 

The  ball  at  the  governor's  reception  was  something  fine. 
About  ten  o'clock  everybody  had  been  presented  to  the  re- 
ceptors, and  then  dancing  was  begun  in  earnest.  In  one 
room  Severance  and  Williams' band  furnished  the  music,  and 
in  an  other  Bach's  Milwaukee  band  made  the  welkin  ring. 
There  is  something  about  Severance  and  Williams'  band 
draws  people  together.  For  instance,  a  waltz  is  being  played. 
The  people  take  their  places,  and  whirl  around  the  room 
mechanically,  and  a  couple  will  be  far  enough  apart  to  con- 
verse, but  not  near  enough  to  look  naughty.  As  the  waltz 
proceeds,  Tom  Williams  throws  a  little  more  soul,  or  upper 
leather  into  his  silver  cornet,  Ans.  Severance  rolls  back  his 
sleeves,  and  his  hair,  and  puts  the  devil  into  his  violin,  Nate 
Williams  shuts  his  eyes  and  dreams  that  he  is  an  angel,  and 
makes  his  fiddle  talk  love  on  the  half-shell,  Ainsworth's  flute 
is  as  smooth  inside  as  though  it  had  heen  greased,  and  he 
strains  himself  and  lets  out  little  love  notes  not  bigger  than  a 


211 

cambric  needle,  that  go  through  you  like  a  telegraphic  dis- 
patch from  the  other  world,  and  the  musicians  roll  their 
eyes  and  play  soft  and  low,  and  then  you  want  to  look  at 
waltzers.  Those  that  were  far  apart  and  proper,  and  evi- 
dently total  strangers  to  each  other  a  few  moments  before, 
have  been  introduced  "by  the  entire  band,"  and  the  male 
man  comes  forward,  and  the  female  woman  is  not  backward, 
and  they  keep  getting  closer  together,  until  her  head  is  on 
his  shoulder,  and  his  head  is  on  her  hair,  and  their  stomachs 
come  together,  and  so  on  down  the  hall  they  go,  their  eyes 
sot,  their  teeth  loose,  their  fee.  the  only  thing  that  is  alive 
and  kicking,  and  you  couldn't  put  a  piece  of  tissue  paper 
between  them  without  splitting  it,  and  old  people  look  on 
and  groan,  and  around  they  go,  two  souls  with  but  a  single 
thought,  they  stop  breathing,  and  you  will  take  your  oath 
that  they  are  joined  together  till  death  separates  them  or  the 
music  stops,  and  the  waltzers  look  up  mad,  and  gradually 
they  come  apart,  as  though  it  was  the  saddest  moment  of 
their  lives,  and  the  girl  asks  for  a  glass  of  water  which  she 
takes  inside,  though  she  looks  as  though  she  needed  it  all 
over  the  outside.  O,  if  we  all  knew  how  to  waltz,  we 
shouldn't  notice  such  things. 

The  St.  Paul  road  is  probably  the  greatest  wedding  rail- 
road in  America.  There  is  hardly  a  train  that  goes  from  St. 
Paul  to  Milwaukee  but  has  from  one  to  several  healthy  wed- 
ding parties,  and  a  good  many  that  are  not  weddings,  though 
they  have  all  the  symptoms.  And  more  of  those  parties  strike 
Capt.  Teardsley's  train  than  any  other.  Why  it  is  I  do  not 
know,  but  it  is  so.  If  that  young  man  could  be  induced  to 
write  what  he  knows  of  wedding  parties,  the  book  would 
have  a  large  sale.  But  he  is  as  mum  as  an  oyster,  You 
can't  get  him  to  squeal  on  anybody.  Why,  on  that  train 
Monday  morning,  there  were  tour  couples  that  were  either 
married,  or  they  ought  to  be.  There  was  one  couple  pre- 
tending to  be  asleep,  with  one  of  these  knit  comforters  over 
their  faces  for  a  kiver.  They  squirmed  so  that  an  experi- 
enced missionary  could  not  help  seeing  that  they  were  not 
asleep,  and  yet  to  the  ordinary  passenger  there  was  nothing 
unusual.  I  asked  Cap.  if  there  wasn't  trouhle  over  there, 
and  he  said  no,  they  were  going  to  Milwaukee  to  attend  a 
funeral.  Funeral  be  dashed.  Do  people  bite,  and  hug,  and 
get  red  in  the  face,  and  breathe  hard,  and  squirm  around, 


212 

and  whisper,  and  knock  off  frizzes,  and  choke  each  other 
and  perspire  in  a  cold  car,  and  steam,  and  eat  ears,  when 
when  they  are  going  to  a  mneral  in  Milwaukee  ?  Get  out. 
You  can't  fool  me.  When  a  couple  get  under  a  comforter, 
or  a  newspaper,  or  a  shawl,  or  an  overcoat,  in  the  night, 
looking  as  though  they  were  just  out  of  a  band  box,  and 
then  get  straightened  out  at  Kilbourn  bridge,  and  look  as 
though  they  had  been  run  away  with  and  tipped  over,  and 
mussed,  their  collars  wrinkled,  ear  rings  gone,  long  hair  in 
the  man's  vest,  hair  pins  in  his  vest  pocket,  and  blisters  on 
her  left  ear,  and  their  lips  chapped,  and  they  go  out  on  the 
platform  to  look  at  the  scenery,  and  get  the  air,  and  both 
look  wilted,  and  sick  to  the  stomach,  and  he  holds  her  up 
against  the  brake  by  the  waist,  to  keep  her  from  falling  into 
the  water,  you  don't  never  want  to  think  they  are  going  to 
a  funeral.  It  is  a  picnic,  old  man,  and  don't  you  forget  it. 
They  don't  act  that  way  from  grief. 

Well,  you  can't  get  any  sleep  on  board  a  car  where  there 
is  a  wedding  party,  not  if  you  are  made  of  the  kind  of  bass 
wood  I  am. 

Well,  I  had  the  worst  joke  on  me  here.  I  sent  my  bag- 
gage home  from  Madison,  all  except  a  night  shirt,  and 
paper  collar  box,  these  I  put  in  a  paper  bag,  and  when  I 
arrived  iiere  the  clerk  at  the  tavern  seemed  hurt.  He  seemed 
to  suspect  me.  The  paper  bag  was  blowed  up  so  it  was 
real  full.  After  staying  here  one  day,  and  I  was  ready  to 
go,  as  usual  I  attempted  to  let  my  baggage  down  in  the 
alley  from  the  back  window.  What  do  you  think  hap- 
pened ?  Wny,  the  night  shirt  was  so  thin  that  the  wind  in 
the  bag  jus,t  took  it  and  floated  it  right  up  in  the  air.  It 
sailed  right  up  over  the  livery  stable  and  out  by  Alex.  Mitch- 
ell's residence,  around  over  the  signal  station  and  away  over 
Lake  Michigan,  toward  Grand  Haven.  I  was  never  so  as- 
tonished in  my  life,  and  hereafter  I  shall  put  a  brick,  or  a 
bottle,  or  an  editorial,  or  something  heavy  in  my  valise.  A 
passenger  who  came  in  on  the  Grand  Haven  boat  says  a 
balloon  was  seen  sailing  over  Michigan.  Just  as  I  am  about 
to  leave,  the  clerk  at  the  Plankinton  House  has  received  a 
dispatch  from  Niles,  to  the  effect  that  a  noise  was  heard  over 
that  city,  as  of  the  -collapse  of  a  balloon,  and  soon  after  a 
female  night  shirt,  with  ruffles  on,  came  floating  down,  and 
the  sender  of  the  dispatch  wants  to  know  if  any  female  is 


213 

missing  from  Milwaukee,  and  if  there  is  any  reward  for  her. 
He  thinks  he  can  save  some  of  the  pieces  of  her.  And 
that  cussed  night  shirt  has  got  my  name  on  the  phlebotomy. 
S'death ! 


EXPEDITION  IN  SEARCH  OF  A  DOUGHNUT. 


Twas  midnight's  holy  hour,  and  silence  was  orooding 
like  a  gentle  spirit  o'er  the  still  and  pulseless  world."  Not 
a  sound  was  heard,  except  Robert's  dog  baying  at  a  sorrel 
haired  young  man  and  a  much  mussed  girl,  who  were  return- 
ing home  from  a  suburban  picnic.  As  they  passed  out  of 
hearing,  and  the  dog  was  peacefully  cannibalizing  on  a  link 
of  sausage  that  had  been  condemned  by  the  board  of  health, 
owing  to  a  piece  of  brass  padlock  that  showed  through  the 
silky  nickel  plating  made  of  fiddling  string  material,  a  soft 
cry  of  a  child  was  heard  in  an  upper  room  of  a  mansion 
owned  by  a  prosperous  business  man.  The  head  of  the 
house  heard  it  and  sat  up  in  bed  to  still  the  small  voice,  but 
couldn't,  when  the  mother  of  the  ch'ld  said  that  she  had 
forgotten  to  bring  up  anything  for  the  child  to  eat  in  the 
night,  and  she  must  go  down  cellar  and  get  a  doughnut. 
The  man  said  he  could  never  stay  there  and  enjoy  himself 
in  bed  and  think  of  his  wife  groping  around  in  the  dark 
below  stairs  after  it.  After  telling  him  that  he  would  prob- 
ably come  up  with  a  pickle,  she  let  him  go.  Carefully  he 
got  out  of  bed,  in  an  angelic  frame  of  mind  and  a  night 
shirt,  and  barefooted  he  prepared  to  make  the  descent.  As 
he  stopped  to  hold  one  foot  in  his  hand,  the  instep  of  which 
had  struck  the  rocker  of  the  baby  crib,  she  told  him  the 
doughnuts  were  in  the  third  crock  in  the  pantry  on  the 
floor.  He  said  it  was  one  evidence  of  a  clear  headed 
man,  that  he  could  walk  all  over  his  own  house  in  the 
dark.  At  the  head  of  the  first  pair  of  stairs  he  tripped 
on  a  baby  cart  and  the  tongue  flew  up  and  struck  him 
on  the  knee,  but  by  hanging  to  the  bannisters  he  saved 
himself.  At  the  foot  of  the  stairs  he  tumbled  over  a 
block  house  and  broke  off  a  toe  nail.  He  said  it  was 
a  mean  man  that  wouldn't  sacrifice  a  few  toe  naik  for 
his  little  baby,  and  he  laughed.  He  fell  over  a  dining 
room  chair,  and  sat  down  in  another,  and  when  he  got 


214 

up  he  fell  that  though  he  was  not  proud,  he  was  stuck 
up,  for  on  his  night  shirt  was  a  sticky  fly  paper  that 
had  been  placed  in  readiness  to  catch  the  unwary  early 
fly.  After  peeling  off  the  sticky  paper,  and  subterra- 
neously  swearing  a  neat,  delicate  little  female  swear,  he 
groped  to  the  cellar  door,  and  began  to  go  down. 

Now,  if  there  is  anything  a  boy  ought  to  be  punished  for, 
it  is  for  surreptitiously  eating  a  large  slice  of  musk  melon 
and  leaving  the  rind  on  the  top  stair.  It  tends  to  make 
a  boy  disliked.  The  head  of  the  family  stepped  with  his 
bare  feet  on  the  piece  of  melon,  and  sat  down  so  quick  that 
it  made  his  head  swim.  It  made  him  swim  all  over,  and 
under,  and  everywhere.  But  if  he  sat  down  soon,  he  got 
up  sooner.  If  there  is  one  thing  that  a  house  cat  should  be 
taught,  it  is  to  sleep  elsewhere  than  on  the  top  stair.  When 
he  fell  and  struck  the  sleeping  cat  there  was  a  crisis.  He 
took  in  the  situation  at  once.  An  occasional  disengaged 
feline  toe  nail,  and  a  squall,  told  him  in  burning  words  that, 
while  his  title  to  the  seat  was  contested,  it  would  be  impoli- 
tic to  wait  for  a  commission  of  unbiased  judges  to  decide 
which  was  entitled  to  it.  His  opponent  was  armed,  and 
had  possession,  and  he  fe!t  that  it  would  tend  to  prevent  riot 
and  bloodshed  if  he  quietly  gave  up.  But  he  felt  that  while 
in  his  present  position  the  cat  was  comparatively  harmless,  if 
he  attempted  to  rise  she  would  bring  the  whole  army  and 
navy  into  action,  and  perhaps  cripple  his  resources.  So  he 
decided  to  jump  up  in  a  hurry  before  the  cat  had  time  to 
think  of  her  toe  nails  much.  His  position  was  not  pleasant, 
to  say  the  least,  but  he  jumped  up  in  a  hurry,  hoping  the 
cat  would  remain  and  continue  her  nap.  She  was  not  a 
remaining  cat  and  as  soon  as  his  weight  was  removed  from 
her  person,  she  gave  a  yell  as  though  frightened,  and 
began  to  walk  up  and  down  his  legs,  inside  of  his  night 
shirt.  The  question  as  to  how  many  toe  nails  a  cat  has  got, 
has  never  been  decided,  but  he  says  they  have  a  million, 
and  he  can  show  the  documents  to  prove  it.  She  went  up 
Lim  as  t-ough  he  was  a  fence  post,  and  a  dog  after  her,  and 
he  flew  around  as  though  his  linen  was  on  fire,  and  yelled 
until  his  wife  came  down  to  see  what  was  the  matter.  By 
unbuttoning  the  top  button  the  cat  was  coaxed  out,  under 
protest  however,  and  after  a  light  was  lit  there  was  seen 
about  the  maddest  man  in  the  world.  He  took  a  candle  and 


215 

went  down  after  the  doughnuts,  and  after  running  his  hand 
into  a  jar  of  preserved  peaches,  and  another  of  pickled  pig's 
feet,  he  struck  the  right  one,  and  after  hot  grease  from  the 
candle  had  run  down  his  fingers  he  came  up  with  a  doughnut, 
and  then  the  baby  wouldn't  eat  it,  then  he  sat  down  side- 
ways in  a  cushioned  chair,  applied  arnica  and  swore  till  day- 
light. A  single  shot  was  heard  in  the  cellar  that  morning, 
and  the  young  life  of  that  cat  went  out.  As  he  rode  down 
on  the  street  car  the  next  morning,  people  marvelled  that 
he  should  stand  up  on  the  back  platform,  when  there  were 
so  many  vacant  seats,  and  when  a  neighbor  asked  him  to  be 
seated  he  said,  with  a  yawn,  "No  thank  you,  I  have  been 
sitting  down  a  good  deal  during  the  night,"  and  he  looked 
mad.  It  is  such  things  that  drive  men  to  commit  crimes. 

THE  FIRE  NEW  YEAR'S  DAY. 


If  there  is  anything  the  young  men  of  Rescue  Hose 
Company  pride  themselves  upon,  it  is  in  getting  themselves 
up,  regardless  of  expense,  on  New  Year's  day,  and  calling 
upon  their  lady  friends.  On  Monday  last  these  young  men 
arrayed  themselves  in  their  best  clothes  and  sat  around  in 
stores  and  waited  for  the  time  to  go  calling.  Solomon  in 
all  his  glory,  was  not  arrayed  like  one  of  these  firemen. 
Just  as  the  young  gentlemen  were  about  throwing  away 
their  last  cigar,  at  noon,  preparatory  to  calling  at  the  first 
place  on  the  list,  the  fire  bell  rang,  and  there  was  a  lively  pro- 
cession followed  the  steamer  down  Fourth  street  in  a  few  min- 
utes. It  looked  as  though  a  wedding  had  been  broken  up  and 
bridegrooms  were  running  around  loose.  The  party  arrived 
at  the  scene  of  the  fire,  which  was  Matt.  Larsen's  hotel  on 
corner  of  Second  and  King  streets,  and  such  a  shinning  of 
swallow  tail  coats  up  blue  ladders  was  never  seen.  The 
fellows  that  belonged  in  the  house  threw  out  bedsteads  and 
crockery  on  to  stove  pipe  hats,  and  emptied  beds  on  to 
broadcloth  coats.  The  wedding  party  disappeared  in  the 
third  story  window  with  the  hose,  in  the  smoke,  and  after 
half  an  hour's  work  they  came  out  looking  as  though  they 
had  been  in  the  Ashtabula  railroad  accident.  Young  Mr. 
Smith  had  a  stream  of  dirty  water  sent  up  his  trowsers  leg, 
which  went  clear  up  to  his  collar,  and  wilted  it  beyond  re- 
pair. Mr.  Hatch  entwined  his  doeskin  pants  around  the 
burnt  ridge-pole  of  the  roof,  hung  on  to  a  rafter  with  his 


216 

teeth,  and  chopped  shingles,  and  the  pipeman  Kept  him  wet, 
and  he  looked  like  a  bundle  of  damp  stuff  in  a  paper  mill. 
Mr.  Spence  was -on  the  top  of  the  ladder,  and  Mr.  Drum- 
mond,  was  next  below  him.  In  falling,  Mr.  D.  caught  hold 
of  one  tail  of  Mr.  Spence's  swallow  hammer  coat,  and 
stretched  the  tail  about  two  feet  longer  than  the  other.  Mr. 
Foote  was  as  dry  as  a  bone,  until  the  pipeman  saw  him, 
and  they  nailed  him  up  against  the  wall  with  a  stream,  and 
Foote  was  as  damp  as  a  wet  nurse  in  a  minute. 

Young  Mr.  Osborne,  confidential  adviser  of  Hyde,  Car- 
gill  &  Co.,  got  half  way  up  the  ladder,  and  a  leak  in  the 
hose  struck  him  and  froze  him  to  the  ladder,  and  Mr.  Wat- 
son had  to  strike  a  match  and  thaw  him  loose.  He  wet 
his  pants  from  Genesis  to  Revelations,  and  had  to  go  calling 
•with  an  ulster  overcoat  on.  The  most  of  the  young  men, 
after  returning  from  the  fire,  stood  by  the  stove  and  dried 
themselves,  and  went  calli  ig  all  the  same,  but  the  girls  said 
they  smelt  like  burnt  shingles.  The  boys  were  all  dry 
enough  at  the  dance  in  the  evening. 

THE    SAFEST    BUSINESS. 


About  the  safest  business  a  man  can  go  into  now,  and  a 
business  that  will  bring  the  greatest  returns  for  the  capital 
invested,  in  which,  in  case  of  failure  the  loss  will  be  smallest, 
is  that  of  fishing  for  catfish  with  a  piece  of  liver.  There 
is  no  man  so  poor  but  that  he  can  raise  a  piece  of  liver,  for 
bait,  and  after  fishing  all  day,  if  he  does  not  catch  any  cat- 
fish, why,  he  has  got  his  liver  left  to  eat.  Liver  that  has 
been  soaked  all  day  in  the  river,  is  relieved  of  half  its  impuri- 
ties, and  is  a  healthful  article  of  food.  We  often  wonder 
that  more  people  do  not  enter  into  the  catfish  and  liver  busi- 
ness. It  may  be,  however,  that  people  have  been  deterred 
from  going  into  the  business  by  the  bankruptcy  of  a  colored 
man  who  engaged  largely  in  that  business  a  few  years  ago. 
We  would  not  mention  his  name  on  account  of  the  others 
livers  that  might  ache.  He  had  invested  the  savings  of  a 
life  time  in  a  liver,  and  went  forth  to  do  battle  with  the 
world,  the  flesh  and  the  catfish.  Seated  on  the  levee  on 
Front  street,  he  was  a  picture  for  a  whitewasher.  Presently 
he  felt  a  bite,  and  on  pulling  up  his  line  he  found  that  he 
had  caught  a  wagon  load  of  "scrap  tin,"  that  had  been 
dumped  into  the  river  from  a  tin  shop.  You  know  how 


217 

this  scrap  tin  will  stick  together.  Well,  the  colored  man 
hauled  it  out  on  the  bank  and  proceeded  to  untangle  his 
line  from  tut:  scrap  tin.  He  worked  for  an  hour,  with  great 
patience,  singing  "Hold  the  Fort,  for  I  am  coming,"  as  a 
re-assurance  to  the  waiting  catfish,  perfectly  unmindful  of  a 
large  yellow  dog  that  was  looking  on.  The  dog  saw  the 
liver  on  the  hook,  and  swallowed  it,  hook,  line  and  all,  and 
after  mentally  thanking  his  colored  entertainer  for  the  sump- 
tuous repast,  the  dog  started  to  fulfill  an  engagement  up  on 
Front  street.  The  first  that  the  colored  man  knew  about  it, 
the  pile  of  scrap  tin  started  up  the  bank,  and  the  fish  pole 
toilowed.  The  line  had  become  "taut,"  and  the  dog  no- 
ticed that  there  was  something  wrong  with  his  internal  im- 
provements, as  the  hook  began  a  searching  investigation 
into  his  public  transactions  inside,  and  he  howled  and 
started  for  a  doctor.  The  colored  person  was  astonished  at 
first,  when  he  saw  the  scrap  tin  following  off  the  dog,  but 
taking  in  the  situation  at  once,  he  made  up  his  mind  to 
"strike  for  his  altar  and  his  liver,"  and  he  followed,  bare- 
headed, and  pale  with  suppressed  emotions,  and  yelled  to 
the  populace  to  stop  that  dog.  The  howling,  the  scrap  tin 
following  him,  and  the  colored  man  yelling,  impressed  every 
man  on  Front  street  that  the  dog  had  hydrophobia,  and  the 
man  had  negro  phobia,  and  such  a  scattering  and  climbing 
up  awning  posts  was  never  seen  in  La  Crosse.  Finally  the 
tin  struck  a  post,  the  line  broke,  and  the  dog  went  ofif  with 
a  pound  of  liver,  the  hook,  and  about  twenty  feet  of  line 
and  the  colored  man  worked  the  rest  of  the  day  to  get  the 
rest  of  the  line  untangled.  He  immediately  filed  a  petition 
in  bankruptcy,  received  his  discharge,  and  went  west  and 
died,  a  broken-hearted  man. 

A  burglar  attempted  to  burgle  Cap.  Roosevelt's  house 
one  morning  this  week.  The  captain  got  up  and  begun  to 
untangle  his  legs,  with  a  view  of  sending  one  of  his  barges 
cruising  after  the  enemy,  but  the  enemy  noticed  the  prepar- 
ations that  were  being  made  to  move  on  his  works  at  once, 
and  also  noticing  the  hired  girl  hanging  out  clothes,  he  got 
behind  the  cotton  breastworks  hanging  on  the  line,  and 
make  good  his  escape.  The  captain  is  going  to  keep  one 
barge,  his  left  one,  with  steam  up  all  the  time  now,  and  if  a 
piratical  craft  moves  down  on  him  there  will  be  a  naval  en- 
gagement, and  dead  pirate  if  he  ruins^every  vessel  in  his  fleet. 


218 

THE   HEN. 


Never  trifle  with  the  tender  feelings  of  a  hen.  You  might 
think  that  a  hen  had  no  sensitive  feelings,  and  could  not 
reason  and  think,  but  you  are  at  fault.  We  never  trifled 
with  a  hen  but  once,  and  if  we  know  our  own  heart,  we 
shall  never  do  it  again,  as  long  as  the  memory  of  that  feath- 
ered sufferer  continues  to  haunt  us  in  dreams.  A  few  years 
ago,  while  hunting  wild  geese  and  sand  hill  cranes,  in  south- 
ern Minnesota,  a  farmer  gave  us  four  sand  hill  crane's  eggs. 
They  were  about  as  large  as  two  hen's  eggs,  and  it  occurred 
to  us  that  if  we  could  find  a  hen  that  was  about  to  do  the 
fair  thing  in  the  way  of  raising  a  family,  it  would  be  a  good 
scheme  to  put  the  eggs  under  her  charge,  as  it  were,  and 
see  how  it  would  work.  A  neighbor  had  a  broad  guage, 
double  track,  well  ballasted  hen,  that  gave  evidence  of  a 
desire  to  be  blanketed  and  led  under  the  shed,  a  la  Tim 
Howe.  By  remarks  that  she  made  in  regard  to  the  policy 
of  the  administration,  we  knew  that  she  was  going  to  set, 
so  we  leased  her  for  a  period  of  three  weeks,  and  put  her 
on  the  sand  hill  crane's  eggs.  We  took  the  precaution 
to  blindfold  her,  and  then  removed  the  bandage  from 
her  eyes,  and  away  she  set. 

It  was  an  interesting  study  to  watch  that  hen.  She  sat 
there  as  though  carved  out  of  marble,  her  eyes  gazing  into 
vacancy,  as  though  she  were  getting  the  material  ready  fora 
speech  on  Hayes'  policy,  to  be  hurled  like  a  thunderbolt 
upon  an  unsuspecting  country.  We  sat  by  her,  hour  after 
hour,  not  on  the  eggs,  but  on  a  nail  keg  in  the  barn,  and 
tried  to  fathom  the  deep  mystery  of  thought  that  occupied 
her  brain.  At  times  she  would  look  at  us  with  an  indes- 
cribable expression,  as  though  she  felt  that  something  un- 
usual was  going  to  happen,  or  as  though  we  had  played  a 
trick  upon  her,  but  she  never  once  deserted  her  charge.  In 
about  three  weeks  we  noticed  a  commotion  about  the  base- 
ment of  the  hen.  She  appeared  as  though  agitated  by 
conflicting  emotions.  She  squirmed  around  for  a  few  min- 
utes, and  finally  jumped  off  that  nest  as  though  she  had  a 
bee  in  her  bonnet.  She  leaned  against  a  barrel,  with  one 
wing  on  her  heart,  as  though  to  still  its  beating,  and 
screamed,  as  near  as  we  could  understand  her,  "I  die  by  the 
hand  of  an  assassin,"  We  looked  into  the  nest  and  didn't 


219 

wonder  that  her  appetite  for  setting  had  been  appeased. 
There  were  four  things  in  the  nest  that  looked  like  elon- 
gated balls  of  lavender  colored  yarn,  with  darning  needles 
sticking  up  out  of  each  one.  They  were  young  cranes, 
and  the  darning  needles  were  their  bills,  and  in  all  proba- 
bility they  had  presented  them  to  their  foster  parent.  They 
were  the  worst  looking  feathered  songsters  that  were  ever 
seen.  It  was  some  minutes  before  the  hen  could  compose 
herself  sufficiently  to  look  into  the  nest  so  lately  vacated  by 
her,  but  at  length  she  did  so,  and  our  heart  smote  us  as  we 
saw  the  look  of  dismay,  shame,  anxiety,  remorse,  and  de- 
moralization, that  came  over  her  usually  placid  countenance. 
She  looked  at  the  young  things  just  coming  out  of  the  eggs 
and  a  tear  stole  down  her  cheek.  She  walked  around  the 
nest,  scratched  her  head  with  her  foot  to  assure  herself  that 
it  was  not  some  horrid  dream,  and  then  she  shook  herself 
and  got  up  on  a  barrel  to  make  an  explanation  to  the  rest 
of  the  poultry.  The  other  hens  all  cackled  as  though 
laughing  at  her  statement,  after  looking  into  the  nest,  and 
then  they  got  together  and  talked  it  over.  It  was  plain 
that  they  mistrusted  a  pair  of  clothes  bars  that  were  in  the 
yard,  and  indeed  the  young  cranes  did  look  enough  like  the 
clothes  bars  to  be  own  blood  relation  to  them,  though  one 
old  hen  seemed  to  suspect  the  step  ladder. 

But  the  saddest  sight  was  to  see  the  husband  of  the  ac- 
cused hen,  a  yellow  rooster.  He  came  along,  after  hearing 
the  news,  with  one  wing  scratching  the  ground,  and  looked 
in  the  nest.  He  looked  long  and  earnestly  at  the  cranes 
and  then  put  on  the  air  of  the  soldier  who  returned  from  the 
army  after  a  four  years  absence,  and  found  that  he  was  the 
paternal  relative  of  a  youth  a  year  old.  The  rooster  seemed 
utterly  crushed  at  first,  and  he  put  his  foot  on  his  forehead 
and  sighed  deeply.  Then  he  gave  a  severe  look  at  the  hen, 
and  began  to  talk  to  her,  as  though  asking  her  if  he  had 
not  always  been  a  good  provider,  and  if  he  had  not  invari- 
ably divided  his  last  angle  worm  with  her.  She  seemed  to 
admit  that  he  was  all  right  in  that  respect,  but  insinuated 
that  his  familiarity  with  other  hens,  by  scratching  worms  out 
of  the  ground  for  them,  was  not  above  reproach.  One 
word  brought  on  another,  and  they  separated,  evidently  es- 
tranged for  life.  After  that  he  never  paid  any  attention  to 
her,  but  left  her  entirely.  Deprived  of  his  society,  she  paid 


220 

great  attention  to  the  young  sand  hill  cranes,  and  they  be- 
gan to  grow.  Gradually  the  appearance  of  animated  hat 
racks  wore  off,  and  their  resemblance  to  pile  drivers  increased. 
It  kept  the  old  hen  scratching  to  get  enough  to  feed  them, 
until  they  got  big  enough  to  lunch  off  of  old  cans,  pieces  of 
slab  wood,  and  clothes  that  were  hung  out  to  dry,  when  her 
duties  were  not  as  arduous.  We  cannot  say  that  she  ever 
looked  upon  the  cranes  with  pride,  though  when  they  would 
pitch  into  the  yellow  rooster,  her  former  protector,  and  pull 
out  his  tail  feathers,  and  drive  him  over  the  fence  in  dismay, 
it  did  seem  as  though  she  was  not  altogether  displeased. 
She  would  ultimately  have  recovered  from  the  shock  to  her 
system,  had  it  not  been  that  she  was  isolated  from  hen  so- 
ciety. She  was  pining  away,  until  we  put  some  ducks  eggs 
under  the  other  hens.  When  these  hens  that  had  said  so 
much  about  the  mother  of  the  cranes,  found  that  they  had 
made  a  mistake,  and  hatched  ducks,  they  came  around  and 
tried  to  be  friends  with  the  old  hen,  but  she  waved  them 
away,  and  wouldn't  associate  with  them  at  all.  How  the 
war  might  have  terminated,  no  one  knows,  for  a  weasel  got 
into  the  barn  one  night,  and  in  the  morning  the  remains  of 
the  ducks,  and  the  maternal  relative  of  the  cranes  lay  prone 
upon  the  floor.  The  spark  of  life  had  fled. 


The  only  persons  that  are  real  sure  that  their  calling  and 
election  is  sure,  and  that  they  are  going  to  heaven  across 
lots,  are  the  men  who  are  hung  for  murder.  They  always 
announce  that  they  have  got  a  dead  thing  on  it,  just  before 
the  drop  falls.  How  encouraging  it  must  be  to  children  to 
listen  to  the  prayers  of  our  ministers  in  churches,  who  admit 
that  they  are  miserable  sinners,  living  on  God's  charity,  and 
doubtful  if  they  would  be  allowed  to  sit  at  his  right  hand, 
and  as  they  tell  the  story  of  their  unworthiness  the  tears 
trickle  down  their  cheeks.  Then  let  the  children  read  an 
account  of  a  hanging  bee  and  see  how  happy  the  con- 
demned man  is,  how  he  shouts  glory  hallelujah,  and  con- 
fesses that,  though  he  killed  his  man  he  is  going  to  heaven. 
A  child  will  naturally  ask  why  don't  the  ministers  murder 
somebody  and  make  a  dead  sure  thing  of  it. 


221 
RAISING  A  MORTGAGE. 


The  letter  published  below  was  written  to  an  Oshkosh 
minister  in  response  to  an  invitation  to  us  to  be  present  and 
make  a  speech  at  a  mass  meeting  to  be  held  on  Sunday,  to 
raise  money  to  pay  a  mortgage  on  a  Methodist  church. 
The  letter  is  almost  good  enough  to  publish,  as  it  contains 
some  advice  from  a  non-sectarian  stand  point,  and  as  the 
Christian  Statesman  and  all  the  alleged  Christian  papers 
have  neglected  to  publish  it,  we  do  so,  in  the  hope  that  it 
may  have  a  wide  circulation  and  give  other  mortgaged 
church  societies  ideas  about  raising  money.  The  following 
s  the  first  epistle  to  the  Oshkoshonians : 

SUN  OFFICE,          I 
MILWAUKEE,  Sept.  13.  J 

Rev.  D.  J.  HOLMES — Dear  Sir  and  Brother— Your  letter 
is  received,  asking  me  to  be  present  with  you  on  next  Sab- 
bath, to  exchange  pulpits  with  you,  and  say  a  few  words  to 
your  people  having  a  financial  bearing.  It  will  be  impossi- 
ble to  attend,  as  our  church  here  needs  me  every  hour.  I 
am  glad  that  you  have  decided  to  raise  the  mortgage  on 
your  church.  There  is  nothing  that  throws  a  coldness  over 
a  church  like  a  mortgage,  and  if  I  had  to  go  through  life 
again,  I  would  rather  worship  in  a  board  shanty,  such  as 
Bill  Wall  bakes  beans  in  at  the  Wolf  River  Boom,  if  it  was 
paid  for,  than  to  send  up  praises  from  a  gilt-edged  church, 
if  the  aforesaid  praises  had  to  work  their  way  through  a 
thirteen  thousand  dollar  mortgage.  I  think  you  would,  too. 
But  you  are  into  it,  up  to  your  arm  pits,  and  the  question  is, 
how  are  you  going  to  wade  ashore  ?  You  can't,  of  course, 
let  up  on  sending  sustenance  to  the  heathen  in  foreign  lands. 
When  a  set  of  heathens  get  accustomed  to  receiving  regular 
remittances  of  missionaries,  tracts  and  other  cut  feed,  their 
appetite  becomes  "sot,"  as  it  were,  and  if  the  supplies  are 
cut  off  they  yearn  and  refuse  to  be  comforted.  It  is  of  no 
use  to  write  them  a  letter  from  home,  and  tell  them  that  you 
have  decided  to  cater  to  your  home-made  heathen  for  a 
little  while.  It  is  useless  to  send  them  the  particulars  of 
your  mortgage,  and  tell  them  that  you  have  got  to  raise  it 
or  have  your  beautiful  church  turned  into  a  pork-packing 
establishment.  They  wouldn't  know  what  a  mortgage  was, 


222 

if  they  saw  one  in  the  road.  No,  you  must  keep  up  your 
heathenish  work,- and  trust  to  luck. 

There  are  several  methods  of  raising  this  money.  You 
suggest  chloroform.  I  do  not  believe  you  can  make  chloro- 
form work  on  the  average  Oshkosh  man.  You  see  chloro- 
form has  to  be  inhaled.  Now  if  you  could  get  chloroform 
so  it  could  be  drank,  with  their  water  for  instance — please 
emphasize  the  word  water,  brother  Holmes — you  might  get 
them  in  a  condition  to  come  down.  I  think,  on  mature 
reflection,  that  the  revolver  plan  is  the  best.  Arm  all  your 
deacons  with  revolvers,  get  the  prominent  citizens  of  Osh- 
kosh into  the  church,  close  the  doors,  and  then  tell  them 
that  you  will  give  them  thirty  minutes  to  raise  that  mortgage 
and  if  it  is  not  done  the  shooting  will  begin.  In  that  case 
you  will  see  Tom  Wall  produce  a  pocket-book  he  drew 
when  he  was  in  the  legislature,  say  his  "Now  I  lay  me," 
and  go  to  sleep  in  pew  No.  29.  Gib  Lane  would  say  he 
was  willing  to  be  searched,  and  a  good  searcher  could  find 
a  fifty  do.lar  bill  in  his  pistol  pocket.  Gabe  Bouck  would, 
under  the  steady  gaze  of  a  six-shooter,  put  up  the  money  he 
has  saved  so  many  years  for  his  bridal  tour,  and  in  fact  all 
the  boys  would  "ante  up."  You  see  you  have  got  to  get  a 
good  share  of  this  money  from  the  world's  people.  Your 
good  members  have  been  milked  until  they  are  drying  up. 
It  is  always  the  case.  Now  your  beautiful  church  is  a 
credit  to  Oshkosh,  and  no  man  who  has  at  heart  the  welfare 
of  that  finest  city  on  the  continent,  of  its  size,  will  be  proud 
to  have  strangers  say :  "That  beautiful  building  on  the 
corner  used  to  be  a  Methodist  church,  but  they  got  into 
debt,  and  had  to  give  it  up,  and  now  it  is  a  brewery,  and 
the  Methodists  meet  on  the  bridge  and  worship  once  in  a 
while." 

Elder,  I  would  like  to  preach  you  a  sermon  from  chapter 
seven,  verse  twenty-two  of  the  New  Testament  which  I  am 
going  to  write  some  time,  and  which  verse  will  read,  when 
written,  as  follows:  "He  that  hath  plenty  of  peanuts  and 
giv«th  his  neighbor  none,  he  can't  have  none  of  rny  peanuts 
when  his  peanuts  are  gone."  In  obedience  to  the  human 
teachings  of  this  verse,  I  enclose  you  my  check  for  ten  dol- 
lars, to  be  placed  by  you  where  it  will  do  the  most  good 
It  is  not  much,  to  be  sure,  but  it  will  perhaps  remove  the 
mortgage  from  one  shingle  of  your  church,  and  if,  when  I 


223 

come  to  Oshkosh  next  week,  I  can  put  on  my  "specks"  and 
look  at  your  church,  and  find  even  one  shingle 
that  is  unmortgaged,  I  shall  be  amply  repaid ;  and 
if  all  the  friends  that  I  have  in  Oshkosh  will  do 
as  well  in  proportion  to  their  means,  brother  Holmes,  you 
will  be  an  awful  happy  man  next  week.  Tell  the  boys,  for 
me,  that  it  will  do  them  good  to  hold  a  little  stock  in  a 
church.  It  may  not  pay  much  of  a  dividend  here  on  eajth, 
but  when  they  get  thro'  having  "fun  with  the  boys-"  here 
below,  and  they  present  their  thousand-mile  tickets  to  St. 
Peter  at  the  gate  of  the  great  exposition  above,  and  he 
punches  a  few  miles  out  and  tells  them  to  pass  in  and  make* 
room  for  the  bald-headed  rooster  from  Milwaukee,  who  is 
coming  up  the  grade  on  a  hand  car,  having  got  left  by  the 
reglar  train  from  Green  Bay,  which  started  ahead  of  time 
leaving  him  alone  on  the  platform  with  a  lunch  under  his 
arm,  they  will  find  that  the  book-keeper  has  entered  up 
their  stock  and  that  there  is  enough  coming  to  them  to  buy 
them  a  trumpet,  with  which  they  can  make  music  in  the 
golden  streets  and  nobody  will  know  they  came  from  Osh- 
kosh. 


On  another  page  of  THE  SUN  will  be  found  a  fac  similie 
of  the  new  silver  dollar,  that  is  being  coined.  We  have 
been  at  great  expense  to  get  this  dollar  illustrated,  and  yet 
it  is  probable  that  if  you  cut  it  out  of  the  paper  and  present 
it  at  a  Ixmk,  you  couldn't  get  more  than  ninety  cents  for  it. 
The  eagle  it  will  be  observed,  resembles  one  of  those  birds 
that  fly  up  the  creek  in  the  summer,  and  he  acts  as  though 
he  had  been  harpooned  about  the  long  feathers  with  a 
charge  of  number  seven  shot.  He  acts  as  though  he  wanted 
to  get  away  from  there  before  the  other  barrel  is  discharged. 
It  is  against  an  established  rule  of  THE  SUN  to  talk  behind 
a  woman's  back,  but  the  woman  on  the  other  side  of  the 
dollar  has  got  a  nose  that  sticks  up  as  though  she  smelt 
something.  It  is  barely  possible  that  she  smells  those  other 
nine  cents  that  are  absent  but  not  forgotten.  The  name  of 
the  female  is  evidently  E.  Pluribus  Unum,  and  by  this  act 
the  government  endorses  the  reprehensible  habit  of  parting 
one's  name  in  the  middle. 


224 

THE  SOVEREIGN  GOVERNOR. 


[It  is  customary  for  the  lobbyists  around  the  Legislature  to  hold  a  "?over- 
ereign  Session"  of  the  Assembly,  and  hear  a  message  from  a  Governor  ap. 
pointed  for  the  occasion.  The  message,  is  usually  a  "take  off"  on  the  regu- 
lar Governor's  message.  In  the  winter  of  1873-4,  Mr.  Peck  was  appointed 
Governor  of  the  Sovereigns,  and  delivered  the  following  message  to  a  large 
crowd  of  people  in  the  Assembly  chamber.] 

Sovereigns  and  Fellow  Nine  Spots  : 

You  have  assembled  here  under  peculiar  circumstances. 
I  might  say,  you  have  assembled  here  under  the  most  Fea- 
ver  Dammed  peculiar  circumstances,  to  borrow  an  expres- 
sion from  the  "  Hoyle "  of  the  Legislative  game,  viz.,  the 
•  Blue  Book.  An  era  of  prosperity  without  parallel  in  the 
previous  history  of  the  country  has  made  you  all  such 
bloated  bond-holders  that  you  could  to-day  pass  in  your 
chips  and  pay  at  least  twenty  cents  on  the  dollar.  Is  it  any 
wonder  that  you  are  proud,  and  that  you  scorn  to  turn  your 
paper  collars  and  wear  them  on  both  sides,  as  you  did  before 
this  era  of  prosperity  struck  you  J  Not  much,  Mary  Ann  ! 
The  recent  financial  crisis  had  no  terrors  for  you,  sovereigns, 
because  your  funds  were  in  the  hands  of  prudent  and  honest 
men,  who,  when  the  dark  wave  of  disaster  swept  over  you, 
dove  down  to  the  bottom  with  your  money,  anchored  them- 
selves comfortably  and  left  you  to  pay  your  debts  out  of 
money  that  you  might  accumulate  by  the  sweat  of  your  eye- 
brows, in  trading  horses  and  playing  "  seven-up  "  for  the 
beer.  The  prudence  and  integrity  of  your  financial  keepers 
saved  you  from  ruin.  Had  the  banks  given  you  your 
money  when  you  asked  for  it,  where  would  it  have  been  now, 
1  ask  you  ?  Just  as  likely  as  not  you  would  have  paid  your 
debts  with  it.  Horrible  thought !  O,  blessed  be  the  man 
who  first  invented  suspension  of  banks,  in  a  financial  crisis. 
It  should  be  your  first  duty  to  vote  him  a  pension  and  a  copy 
of  the  Synoptical  Digesting  apparatus,  bound  in  calf. 

Accompanying  these  political  disturbances  has  come  an 
imperative  demand  from  you,  sovereigns,  for  a  purer  politi- 
cal morality.  If  there  is  one  thing  that  you  want  more 
than  another,  if  I  know  you,  and  I  think  I  do,  it  is  a  purer 
political  morality.  You  don't  want  to  elect  representatives 
that  will  deal  from  the  bottom,  but  men  who  have  souls 
above  taking  back  pay,  or  who,  if  they  are  compelled  to 
draw  back  pay  by  the  wickedness  of  an  unscrupulous  ma- 
jority, will,  at  least,  divide  with  you,  and  not  spend  the 


225 

money  they  snatch  in  liotous  living,  such  as  supporting 
their  families.  It  is  needless  for  me  to  discuss  this  matter 
here,  as  you  know  how  it  is  yourself.  Be  true  to  yourselves, 
look  out  for  the  main  chance,  never  bet  on  another  man's 
game,  and  you  will  be  healthy,  wealthy  and  worth  two  in 
the  bush. 

THE  STATE'S  FINANCES. 

By  a  careful  perusal  of  the  reports  of  the  different  State 
Officers  who  are  in  different  ways  connected  with  the  re- 
ceiving and  disbursing  of  the  green  pictures  of  great  men, 
denominated  money,  by  way  of  sarcasm,  you  will  see  that 
they  have  succeeded  in  paying  out  more  money  than  they 
have  taken  in.  This  solves  a  financial  problem  that  has 
long  been  figured  on  without  success,  and  at  once  places  our 
loved  State  at  the  head  of  the  grand  galaxy  of  monied 
powers.  I  do  not  pretend  to  say  how  this  desirable  state  of 
things  has  been  brought  about,  and  probably  it  is  none  of 
my  business,  or  yours,  but  it  is  a  big  thing,  anyway,  and  we 
all  ought  to  be  proud.  But,  let  me  warn  you  not  to  try  it 
in  your  private  business.  Your  worthy  Governor  tried  it  one 
summer,  and  the  next  winter  was  arrrayed  in  purple  and 
and  fine  linen,  consisting  of  a  linen  coat  with  a  fur  collar  on, 
and  he  is  constrained  to  remark  that  he  boarded  at«a  free 
lunch  place.  Such  a  financial  policy  is  grand  for  a  State, 
but  when  reduced  in  its  proportions,  so  as  to  be  adapted  to 
general  use  in  business,  the  results  are  apt  to  be  disastrous. 
The  State  debt  now  amounts  to  $2,223,909,  but  as  it  is 
"bonded  and  irreducible,"  I  don't  see  why  we  should  trouble 
ourselves  about  it.  This  "irreducible"  business  might  be 
inaugurated  in  private  business  to  good  advantage.  If  you 
owe  a  man  $100,  and  you  can  convince  him  that  it  is  "irre- 
ducible," you  have,  as  it  were,  got  the  "dead  wood"  on  him, 
and  he  can  go  west  and  grow  up  with  the  country,  and  have 
something  coming  to  him  all  the  time. 

TIME   OF    PAYING   TAXES. 

There  should  be  a  change  made  in  the  time  provided  by 
law  for  the  payment  of  taxes.  As  the  law  now  stands  a  man 
is  compelled  to  draw  his  customary  weasel,  at  the  most  un- 
fortunate time  of  year  possible  to  select,  and  the  Shylock 
who  compels  you  to  stand  and  deliver,  laughs  at  your  em- 
barrassment and  glories  in  his  shame.  The  time  at  which 


226 

taxes  are  now  paid  is  the  identical  season  of  the  year  when 
milliners  bring  m  their  bills  for  erecting  winter  bonnets,  and 
when  the  grocer  unfortunately  is  compelled  to  pay  for  the 
mackerel  he  has  trusted  out  to  you.  At  this  season  of  the 
year  wood  has  to  be  bought,  unless,  perchance  you  live  near 
a  school  house,  or  a  railroad  depot,  where  wood  lays  around 
loose.  It  is  at  this  season  of  the  year,  also,  when  the  fatal 
church  festival  is  held,  and  you  are  compelled,  under  pain 
of  excommunication,  to  take  stock  in  a  sawdust  cake,  in 
which  an  oroide  ring  has  been  concealed,  at  fifty  cents  a 
chance.  With  all  of  these  financial  embarrassments,  the 
Sovereign  is  compelled  to  play  pin  pool  to  raise  money  to 
meet  the  demands  made  upon  his  exchequer,  which  will 
make  the  best  Sovereign  in  the  world  say  cuss  words.  To 
obviate  this  difficulty  I  would  suggest  that  the  time  for  the 
payment  of  taxes  be  postponed  from  year  to  year,  until  the 
people  make  a  raise.  This  might  be  tried  for.  say  five  years, 
and  if  at  the  end  of  that  time,  the  system  is  found  to  be  a 
failure,  then  I  would  suggest  that  you  sell  out  your  property 
and  rent  a  house,  or  go  and  visit  your  aunt  in  the  country. 

SOURCES    OF    RETRENCHMENT. 

There  are  many  ways  in  which  the  game  of  retrenchment 
can  be^.  played.  I  notice,  in  perambulating  about  the  public 
offices  of  the  capitol  that  the  most  of  the  officers  and  em- 
ployees smoke  cigars.  The  money  for  these  cigars,  every  dollar 
of  it,  comes  out  of  the  State  Treasury.  I  would  suggest  that 
you  pass  a  law  compelling  each  of  these  men  to  smoke  a 
clay  pipe.  This  may  seem  arbitrary  and  unconstitutional, 
but  the  constitution  does  not  amount  to  anything  in  particu- 
lar, when  it  is  in  the  way.  There  could  be  a  saving  of  at 
least  ninety  per  cent,  if  these  men  were  to  smoke  ordinary 
tobacco,  and  ninety  per  cent,  is  certainly  worth  saving. 
And  in  this  connection  let  me  suggest  that  the  State  pur- 
chase a  piece  of  land,  and  raise  the  tobacco.  The  tobacco 
could  be  issued  to  the  officers  and  clerks  in  lieu  of  salary, 
and  they  could  sell  what  they  had  over.  By  compelling 
them  to  pay  to  the  State  a  license,  as  peddlers,  for  selling 
the  tobacco,  the  thing  could  be  made  retroactive,  and  of  vast 
benefit  to  the  State.  This  is  simply  an  idea,  which  I  throw 
out  in  the  hope  that  your  superior  wisdom  may  make  it  valu- 
able. The  enormous  expense  to  which  the  State  has  been 


227 

subjected  in  years  past,  for  public  printing,  leads  me  to  sug- 
gest that  the  subject  be  generally  overhauled,  and  investi- 
gated. I  am  credibly  informed  that  the  printers  are  bloated 
bondholders,  and  wear  linen  collars  and  merino  undershirts. 
I  do  not  make  this  charge,  understand  me,  as  being  true, 
but  if  it  is  true,  then  you  have  a  duty  to  perform,  from 
which  I  earnestly  hope  you  will  not  shrink.  The  printer 
should  be  a  man  of  patriotic  sentiments  and  feelings,  a  man 
with  a  soul  above  the  accumulation  of  wealth,  a  missionary 
as  it  were,  who  should  work  for  his  board,  and  have  his 
father's  clothes  made  over  for  him.  His  employees  should 
work  for  him  for  love,  and  it  might  be  well  for  the  State  to 
open  a  soup  house  in  the  basement  of  the  Capitol,  in  con- 
nection with  the  artesian  well,  for  the  use  of  the  printers, 
and  other  laborers.  Careful  analysis  shows  that  the  water 
of  that  well  contains  nearly  enough  substance  to  keep  a  man 
alive.  It  would  be  easy  and  cheap  to  transform  the  well 
into  a  chicken  soup  geyser,  by  simply  building  a  fire  under 
the  well,  and  erecting  a  hen  roost  over  it.  But  you  will  be 
able,  at  your  leisure,  to  go  more  into  detail  in  the  matter, 
and  I  trust  you  may  be  able  to  devise  some  means  to  keep 
the  soul  and  body  of  the  printer  together,  and  at  the  same 
time  to  utilize  the  water  of  the  well,  the  qualities  of  which 
are  at  present  entire  strangers  to  you. 

GEOLOGICAL   SURVEY. 

The  Geological  Survey  is  being  prosecuted  as  well  as 
could  be  expected  with  the  limited  means  at  the  hands  of 
the  searchers  in  the  bowels  of  the  earth.  They  have  already 
found,  I  am  informed,  that  the  earth  on  which  we  live,  and 
move,  and  have  a  being,  is  composed  largely  of  dirt.  The 
discovery  of  this  fact  is  alone  worth  the  price  of  admission. 
This  great  discovery,  which  will  be  of  such  value  to  the 
future  historian,  has  only  cost  the  State  the  insignificant  sum 
of  $8,280.  Rather  than  remain  in  ignorance  of  this  aston- 
ishing fact,  I  would  willingly  pay  the  money  myself — out  of 
the  public  treasury.  It  is  rumored  that  parties  employed 
by  the  State  to  dive  down  into  the  ground  and  bring  up 
sand  in  their  claws,  have  discovered  symptons  that  the 
world  was  at  one  time  sick  to  its  stomach,  and  threw  up 
divers  and  sundry  kinds  of  rocks  and  things,  and  there  is  a 
probability  that  lead  ore  may  be  discovered.  This  will  be 


228 

valuable  to  make  "bullets  in  case  of  a  war  with  Oshkosh.  In 
peace  it  is  always  best  to  prepare  for  war,  and  I  trust  you 
will  lend  your  countenance  to  the  able  men  who  are  investi- 
gating the  Lower  Silurian  age. 

IMMIGRANT   COMMISSIONERS. 

The  office  of  Immigrant  Commissioners  originally  created 
for  the  purpose  of  drawing  the  Norwegian  vote,  having 
failed  to  accomplish  the  object  of  its  creation,  I  move  that  it 
be  indefinitely  postponed.  It  is  probable  that  just  as  many 
Immigrants  will  arrive  in  the  State  if  the  office  is  abolished, 
as  though  it  were  not,  and  as  long  as  men  will  volunteer  to 
show  them  around  and  swindle  them  out  of  their  money 
they  will  be  just  as  well  satisfied  in  the  end,  as  though  the 
State  hired  a  man  to  smell  their  baggage,  find  out  if  they 
have  lost  any  children  on  the  road,  or  to  teach  them  how  to 
vote. 

EDUCATION. 

This  is  a  subject  that  I  attack  with  some  diffidence  from 
the,  perhaps,  unimportant  circumstance  that  I  don't  know 
much  about  it.  In  fact  I  never  had  it,  having  been  vac- 
cinated in  my  youth.  However,  as  custom  makes  it  nec- 
essary for  the  Executive  to  treat  upon  the  subject,  I  burn 
the  bridge  behind  me,  as  it  were,  shut  my  eyes  and  shoot  at 
random.  Education  is  a  great  thing  to  have  in  a  family, 
where  they  don't  keep  a  cow.  Education  is  to  society  what 
the  right  and  left  bovver  and  ace  are  to  that  intellectual  game 
called  euchre.  If  you  hold  education,  and  have  got  a  few 
small  trumps  to  back  it,  you  can  play  it  alone.  Education, 
like  measles,  and  whooping  cough,  and  mumps,  should  set 
in  when  one  is  young,  and  has  not  arrived  at  the  age  of  in- 
discretion, or  it  may  be  everlastingly  too  late,  and  my  advice 
would  be  to  expose  your  children  to  its  ravages  at  the 
earliest  period  consistent  after  cutting  teeth.  Our  educa- 
tional institutions,  throughout  the  State,  are  doing  all  that  is 
possible  to  make  great  men  and  women,  and  if  the  supply 
of  timber  holds  out,  the  time  is  not  far  distant  when  the 
supply  of  D.  Websters"  and  Susan  Authonys  will  at  least 
be  equal  to  the  demand.  A  question  of  vital  importance  to 
the  future  of  our  educational  interests,  is  that  of  the  proper 
punishment  of  scholars.  I  am  glad  to  know,  however,  that 
inventors  are  at  work  with  brain  and  mechanical  ingenuity 


229 

to  perfect  machinery  for  chastising  scholars,  which,  if  suc- 
cessful, will  be  as  valuable  to  the  country  as  was  the  discov- 
ery of  the  magnetic  telegraph  by  Columbus,  or  the  discov- 
ery of  America  by  Henry  Ward  Beecher.  There  is  one  of 
these  machines  in  the  building,  an  1  it  will  be  exhibited  to 
those  interested  in  education,  at  a  trifling  admittance.  For 
particulars  see  small  bills.  I  might  go  more  at  length  into 
the  discussion  of  this  valuable  improvement  in  educational 
facilities,  but  modesty,  and  fear  of  a  charge  of  nepotism, 
prevents. 

CENTENNIAL   EXPOSITION. 

On  the  igth  of  April,  1876,  there  will  be  a  Hippodrome 
in  Philadelphia,  in  commemoration  of  the  circumstance  that 
about  that  period  a  number  of  Grangers  erected  a  Declara- 
tion of  Independence.  The  thing  is  to  be  a  kind  of  a 
National  Circus,  and  all  of  you  must  go  and  take  your  din- 
ners and  stay  six  months.  If  you  have  got  any  arts  and 
manufactures  or  products  of  the  soil  and  mine,  it  will  be 
well  enough  to  pat  them  in  your  pockets  and  take  them 
along,  as  they  will  be  handy  to  pawn  if  you  get  broke. 
A  shanty  will  be  built  to  accommodate  the  country  people, 
and  special  trains  will  be  run  at  reduced  fare.  To  say 
nothing  of  patriotism,  it  will  be  money  in  any  man's 
pocket  to  go  there,  at  the  expense  of  the  State.  Foreign 
nations  have  been  invited  to  contribute  to  the  success  of 
the  exposition  by  sending  products  of  their  mines  and 
soil,  and  many  of  them  have  responded  nobly.  Even 
Milwaukee  has  promised  to  furnish  a  working  model  of  a 
celebrated  process  of  irrigation,  neatly  packed  in  quarter 
kegs,  and  Chippewa  Falls  has  sent  a  manuscript  copy  of 
the  ordinance  of  1787,  which  provides  that  navigable 
waters  shall  remain  forever  free,  unless  they  dry  up  and 
blow  away.  It  is  my  pleasure  to  correct  an  impression 
that  prevails  that  no  one  will  be  entitled  to  participate 
in  the  exposition  unless  he  is  a  hundred  years  old. 
The  exposition  is  almost  sure  to  prove  a  success,  as  the 
general  government  has  the  matter  in  charge,  which  is  a 
sufficient  guarantee  that  it  will  be  honestly  conducted. 
When  this  great  and  good  government  goes  into  the 
show  business,  it  is  no  side  show,  you  may  depend. 

FREE   PASSES. 

I  beg  to   direct   your   attention  to  a  series  of  diabolical 


230 

outrages  that  have  for  years  been  perpetrated  upon  unsus- 
pecting and  innocent  State  officers  and  legislators,  and  men 
in  private  life,  by  those  gigantic  and  uncontrollable  mon- 
sters, the  railroads.  I  am  informed  that  for  years  it  has 
been  the  custom  of  these  corporations  to  thrust  upon  poor, 
unprotected  members  of  the  Legislature,  free  passes  upon 
their  roads,  by  which  they  were  compelled  to  travel  with- 
out paying  fare.  It  does  not  seem  that  a  strong  corpor- 
ation, though  soulless,  could  thus  trifle  with  the  finer 
feelings  of  men,  but  conscious  of  their  strength,  they  have 
continued  to  do  it,  until  no  man  is  safe,  and  the  life 
of  a  legislator  has  well  nigh  become  a  burden.  I  am  told 
that  in  many  instances,  where  membeas  have  refused  to  ac- 
cept passes,  the  minions  of  these  railroad  monopolies  have 
seized  the  unfortunate  victim,  and  bound  him  hand  and 
foot,  and  while  in  this  helpless  condition,  thrust  passes  into 
his  pockets,  and  ordered  their  conductors  to  shoot  the  poor 
member  if  he  did  not  show  his  pass  when  on  the  car,  in- 
stead of  offering  money.  I  ask  you,  in  all  candor,  if  such 
outrages  should  be  permitted  in  a  free  country,  over  which 
waves  the  stars  and  stripes  ?  A  thousand  times  "No." 
Better  that  every  railroad  should  be  destroyed,  than  that  the 
law-making  power  of  the  land  should  be  subjected  to  such 
indignity.  You  should  pass  a  law  making  it  certiorari  or 
ausgespielt,  or  some  such  Latin  thing,  for  a  railroad  mon- 
opoly to  act  that  way.  Still,  I  do  not  recommend  harsh 
measures.  The  railroads  are  entitled  to  some  privileges, 
and  if  they  MUST  give  passes,  you  might  allow  them  to  give 
passes  to  editors,  but  take  a  firm  stand  and  save  white 
people  from  such  outrages.  By  such  legislation  as  will  ob- 
viate the  pass  difficulty,  the  sessions  of  the  Legislature  can 
be  shortened  at  least  six  months. 

-  CHEAP  TRANSPORTATION  BY  WATER. 

While  upon  the  subject  of  internal  improvements,  let  me 
casually  invite  your  attention  to  a  plan  that  I  have  had 
under  consideration  for  many  years  for  the  improvement  of 
the  navigation  of  the  Fox  river  between  the  cities  of  Por- 
tage and  Oshkosh.  As  I  understand  it,  the  river  is  now 
practicably  impassable,  for  larger  craft  than  bull  heads  that 
draw  half  an  inch  of  water,  except  early  in  the  morning, 
when  there  is  a  dew  upon  the  bottom  lands  adjacent  to  the 
Stream.  My  idea  would  be  to  construct,  upon  the  bank  of 


231 

the  Wisconsnf  river,  where  it  is  contiguous  to  the  Fox  river, 
an  enormous  syringe,  to  be  run  by  a  stationary  engine. 
Water  could  be  drawn  from  the  Wisconsin  river,  and  by  ma- 
chinery could  be  discharged  into  the  Fox,  when  the  ques- 
tion of  cheap  transportation  by  water  would  be  amicably 
settled.  I  have  caused  plans  and  specifications  of  the  pro- 
posed improvement  to  be  made,  which  will  be  on  exhibition 
at  the  executive  office.  This  seems  to  be  the  most  feasible 
plan  of  settling  the  vexed  question  of  cheap  transportation 
by  water,  and  I  hope  you  will  give  it  your  cordial  support. 

CHEAP   TRANSPORTATION    BY   WIND. 

Having  got  the  question  of  cheap  transportation  by 
water  where  the  hair  is  short,  it  only  remains  to  arrange  for 
cheap  transportation  by  land,  and  a  competing  line  by 
which  to  convey  grain  from  west  to  east  without  the  odious 
railroads,  and  everything  will  be  lovely,  and  railroad  owners 
can  pack  their  valises  and  get  through  tickets  for  the  nearest 
poor  house.  The  recent  discovery  by  balloonists  of  an 
easterly  air  current,  seems  to  have  played  directly  into  our 
hands  in  the  solving  of  this  great  problem.  It  has  been  dis- 
covered that  at  a  certain  elevation  above  the  earth  there  is 
a  permanent  current  of  air  moving  from  west  to  east.  This 
current  of  air  does  not  freeze  up  in  the  winter  and  close 
navigation,  and  neither  does  it  raise  its  rates  when  naviga- 
tion is  closed,  like  the  railroad  monopolists  here  below. 
It  blows  where  it  listeth,  and  luckily  blows  in  the  very  direc-  . 
tion  in  which  the  granger  wants  to  send  his  wheat,  and  pork, 
and  green  hides.  The  controlling  interest  in  this  air  cur- 
rent is  luckily  not  owned  in  Wall  street,  and  Congress  can 
not  legislate  it  into  the  hands  of  any  Credit  Mobillier  corpora- 
tion. It  belongs  to  the  people,  and  is  about  the  only  thing 
they  have  left.  Let  us  utilize  this  God-send.  Let  us  seize 
this  glorious  element  and  put  it  where  it  will  do  the  most 
good.  I  would  here  state  that  I  have  been  so  bothered  with 
office-seekers  that  I  have  not  had  time  to  figure  exactly  how 
this  yEolian  element  can  be  brought  into  subjection,  to  move 
our  crops,  but  I  am  satisfied  that  in  your  hands  it  will  be 
molded  into  shape  and  made  to  do  the  work.  Having 
raised  the  wind,  I  leave  it  with  you  to  arrange  it  so  that  it 
will  settle  the  hash  of  the  monster  railroad  monopolies  that 
are  sapping  our  life-blood,  and  giving  us  1,000  mile  tickets. 


232 

.      THE    STATE   PRISON. 

The  above  named  reformatory  institution  has  bothered 
your  executive  to  a  great  extent.  The  question  of  how  to 
make  the  prison  self-supporting  has  caused  him  many 
sleepless  nights,  but  he  is  proud  to  say  he  has  struck  it,  at 
last.  Heretofore  the  prison  has  heen  engaged  in  the  manu- 
facture of  goods  for  which  there  is  no  home  demand,  and 
they  have  of  necessity  sought  a  foreign  market.  This  must 
be  changed,  and  something  must  be  manufactured  which 
can  be  used  in  everyday  life.  What  article  of  commerce 
would  find  a  more  ready  market  in  our  State  than  lager  beer  ? 
I  hereby  suggest  to  you  that  you  transform  the  State  Prison 
at  Waupun  into  a  brewery.  The  prisoners  would  be  glad 
of  the  change,  and  I  have  no  doubt  would  be  willing  to 
board  themselves.  With  a  railroad  running  direct  to  Mil- 
waukee, the  stock  could  be  turned  every  thirty  days,  and 
instead  of  being  a  tax  upon  the  State,  would  prove  a  source 
of  revenue,  and  the. money  received  for  the  sale  of  the  foam- 
ing lager  would  contribute  largely  to  the  support  of  our  edu- 
cational institutions. 

THE   TEMPERANCE   QUESTION. 

It  may  strike  you  as  inconsistent  for  your  Executive  to 
put  the  temperance  question  so  near  a  recommendation  to 
transform  the  State  Prison  into  a  brewery,  but  we  must  deal 
•with  existing  facts.  You  may  labor  under  the  impression 
that  your  Executive  don't  know  his  regular  biz,  but  he  does. 
The  temperance  question  is  perhaps  the  most  difficult  ques- 
tion now  before  the  people,  to  handle  with  any  degree  of 
success,  as  it  is  as  liable  to  kill  at  the  breach  as  at  the  muzzle. 
It  is  like  the  the  mule  that  would  be  kind  and  patient  for 
eleven  years,  just  to  get  a  chance  to  kick  the  filling  out  of 
somebody's  teeth.  It  is  noticeable,  however,  that  those  who 
have  been  on  the  right  side,  have  invariably  been  the  most 
successful.  After  mature  deliberation  I  have  decided  to 
recommend  that  you  pass  a  law,  making  it  a  penal  offence, 
punishable  with  death,  or  banishment  to  Chicago,  for  any 
man  to  manufacture  or  offer  for  sale,  or  sell,  or  give  away — 
though  I  am  not  so  positive  about  giving  away — of  any 
spiritous,  vinous  or  malt  liquor,  wines,  cider  or  Scotch  whisky, 
to  any  person,  male  or  female,  under  the  age  of  six  months, 
or  over  the  age  of  ninety-five.  This  will  look  well  on  the 


233 

face  of  it,  and  will  not  materially  interfere  with  you  anct 
your  Executive.  It  will  knock  the  spots  off  the  Graham 
law,  and  simple  justice  would  demand  that  the  author  of  it 
should  be  sent  to  Congress.  But,  of  course,  you  know  how 
it  is  yourselves.  You  must  do  something  dreadful  in  this 
temperance  business,  as  the  people  are  on  the  war  path. 
Look  at  the  raid  upon  the  liquor  interest  in  Ohio.  See  how 
women  are  marching  around  with  bludgeons,  seeking  whom 
they  may  devour.  Pass  some  law  that  is  terrible,  or  in  such 
a  moment  as  you  think  not,  our  streets  are  liable  to  be  red 
with  human  gore  — or  beer. 

AGRICULTURE. 

The  pursuit  of  Agriculture  is  the  noblest  in  the  business,  at 
the  date  of  the  present  writing,  and  at  this  particular  time 
there  are  more  patriotic  citizens  pursuing  agriculture  and 
agriculturalists,  than  has  been  the  case  before  since  Cinci- 
natus  left  his  threshing  machine  in  the  furrow.  In  fact  the 
tillers  of  the  soil  have  swore  off  husking  their  early  harvest 
potatoes  on  election  days.  I  would  recommend  that  you 
pass  laws  to  protect  farmers  in  their  rights.  They  toil  early 
and  late,  and  what  do  they  get  for  their  recompense  ?  I 
have  known  a  farmer  to  get  up  at  three  o'clock  in  the  morn- 
ing to  help  up  a  calf  that  had  got  cast  in  the  barn,  and  the 
very  first  thing  that  calf  did  was  to  kick  the  granger's  knee 
out  of  joint,  when  there  was  a  hired  man  standing  near  that 
the  calf  could  have  kicked.  I  say,  and  without  fear  of  con- 
tradiction, it  is  just  such  unjust  discriminations  by  calves 
and  railroads  that  is  ruining  our  agricultural  interests.  This 
is  not  an  isolated  case.  The  woods  are  full  of  them.  Why 
stand  we  here  idle,  and  see  the  bone  and  sinew  of  our  land 
kicked  around  by  such  soulless  corporations  as  railroads  and 
calves.  Let  us  have  their  hides  on  the  fen  e. 

REMOVAL   OF   THE   WINNEBAGOES. 

The  question  has  arisen,  shall  we  compel  the  Winnebago 
Indians  to  go  west  and  grow  up  with  the  country,  or  permit 
them  to  remain  within  the  borders  of  our  State,  and  by 
lending  our  countenance  to  their  habits  of  carpet-bagging 
around  from  place  to  place,  and  stealing  things,  see  them  be- 
come qualified  for  members  of  Congress.  If  we  allow  them  to 
thus  train  themselves,  the  time  is  not  far  distant  when  our 
halls  of  legislation  will  be  filled  with  the  "Shack  Nasty  Jim's" 


234 

and  "  Big  Thuader's  "  who  will  take  from  under  our  very 
noses  the  mileage  so  dear  to  the  heart  of  every  patriot.  I 
think  you  will  agree  with  me  that  the  Winnebagoes  should 
be  removed.  I  was  first  convinced  of  the  absolute  necessity 
of  their  r  moval  one  year  since,  while  riding  in  a  smoking 
car  on  a  railroad  train.  My  companion,  in  the  seat  with 
me,  was  a  Winnebago  Indian.  He  had  been  to  a  "  big  talk," 
and  must  have  been  one  of  the  silent  ones,  who  drank  while 
the  rest  talked,  for  he  was  unmistakably  drunk.  I  could 
stand  that,  and  could  put  up  with  the  venerable  aboriginal 
aroma  that  floated  up  from  this  untutored  child  of  the  forest, 
but  when  that  cigar  sign  took  out  his  wallet  and  showed  the 
conductor  a  railroad  pass,  it  was  the  unanimous  opinion  of 
your  Executive  that  the  liberties  of  the  Sovereign  people 
were  in  jeopardy,  and  that  the  Winnebagoes  should  be  re- 
moved. There  are  things  that  we  cannot  submit  to  and  re- 
tain that  stiffness  of  upper  lip  that  is  desirable. 

PASSENGER     RATES   ON    RAILROADS. 

This  is  a  subject  that  should  claim  a  portion  of  your 
attention  when  you  are  not  engaged  in  rolling  ten  pins.  It 
has  always  seemed  that  the  practices  of  the  railroad  com- 
panies in  regard  to  passenger  tariff  was  radically  wrong,  and 
it  is  your  duty  to  arrange  it  for  the  companies  to  your  own 
satisfaction.  That  is  what  you  are  here  for.  The  way  it  is 
now,  a  railroad  company  collects  as  much  for  conveying  a 
man  weighing  seventy-five  pounds,  from  Portage  to  Mil- 
waukee, as  for  conveying  a  man  weighing  three  hundred 
and  fifty  pounds,  which  is  an  unjust  discrimination  against 
the  weaker  party.  I  would  suggest  that  you  pass  a  law 
compelling  every  railroad  company  to  provide  a  pair  of  hay 
scales  at  the  entrance  of  each  ticket  office,  and  a  platform 
scale  on  the  platform  of  each  passenger  car,  and  that  each 
passenger  be  weighed  on  buying  his  ticket,  and  again  on 
leaving  the  car,  and  that  the  company  charge  so  much  per 
pound  for  conveying  passengers.  You  will  readily  discover 
the  injustice  of  charging  Jack  Turner  as  much  for  convey- 
ing him  a  certain  distance,  as  the  same  company  charges 
George  Gmty,  who  is  five  times  as  large.  Unjust  discrim- 
ination must  be  dealt  with,  and  this  is  as  good  a  place  to 
begin  it  as  any. 


235 

SUPREME  COURT  JUDGES  AND  U.  S.  SENATORS. 

I  would  call  your  attention  to  a  change  that  it  seems  to 
me  should  be  made  in  the  method  of  selecting  U.  S.  Sena- 
tors and  Supreme  Judges.  Heretofore  it  has  been  noticea- 
ble that  the  men  who  carried  the  longest  pole  knocked  down 
the  Senatorial  persimmons.  In  the  matter  of  the  election 
of  Judges  of  the  Supreme  Court,  it  has  been  the  practice  to 
secure  men  for  those  places  at  an  enormous  salary,  when 
other  men  would  be  willing  to  do  the  work  and  board  them- 
selves. The  suggestion  1  would  make  is  that  you  pass  a 
law  letting  the  offices  of  United  States  Senator  and 
Judges  of  the  Supreme  Court  to  the  lowest  bidder.  This 
method  will  be  economical  and  will  secure  to  the  state  men 
who  can  legislate  and  judge  things  well  enough  for  all  prac- 
tical purposes.  The  way  times  are  now  we  must  get  things 
at  panic  prices  or  go  without. 

BANKS  AND   BANKING. 

The  subject  of  banking  has  engrossed  the  attention  of 
your  excellent  Governor  for,  lo !  these  many  weeks,  and  he 
is  constrained  to  say  that  some  radical  changes  must  be 
made  in  the  method  of  receiving  deposits  by  banks,  where 
an  equivalent  is  not  rendered,  or  His  Excellency  will  be 
compelled  to  emerge  from  his  present  aristocratic  quarters 
and  take  up  his  abode  in  the  poor-house.  I  would  call  your 
attention  to  the  practice  certain  banks  have  of  issuing 
checks  in  lieu  of  cash.  If  these  checks  were  avail- 
able at  the  groceries  it  would  be  better  than  it  is. 
Banks  have  got  in  a  habit  of  issuing  a  species  of 
ivory  button  in  receipt  for  the  green  coin  of  the  realm 
which  is  only  good  at  the  counter  of  the  bank.  These 
checks  are  not  issued  by  the  National  Banks,  but  by  the 
Stute  Banks,  denominated  "Keno"  and  "Faro."  I  would 
not  charge  that  there  is  "skullduggery"  or  "shenanagen" 
going  on  in  these  banking  institutions,  as  the  President  of 
one  of  them  informed  me,  confidentially,  that  he  dealt  on 
the  "square,"  but  it  is  a  noticeable  fact  that  the  dividends 
received  by  those  who  do  business  with  the  banks,  is  almost 
as  it  were,  imperceptible.  I  trust  that  you  will  cause  this 
branch  of  industry  to  be  thoroughly  investigated,  and  report 
by  bill  or  otherwise.  Our  finances  should  be  beyond  sus- 
picion of  dishonesty. 


236 

•    REGISTRY  OF  ELECTORS. 

The  registry  law  has  proved  a  conspicuous  failure,  inas- 
much as  it  has  taken  ten  years  of  persistent  efforts  by  its  use 
to  make  a  change  in  the  administration.  I  would  suggest 
that  you  amend  the  registry  law  by  providing  that  all  quali- 
fied voters  have  their  ears  punched,  immediately  after  vot- 
ing, by  the  inspectors  of  elections,  the  same  as  conductors 
punch  tickets.  This  method  will  obviate  the  difficulties 
heretofore  experienced,  and  check  illegal  voting  and  prevent 
repeating. 

INTERNAL    IMPROVEMENTS,    AS    THE    UNDERSIGNED    UNDER- 
STANDS   'EM. 

Under  this  heading  I  can  think  of  nothing  that  appears 
more  appropriate  than  the  subject  of  the  artificial  propaga- 
tion of  fish.  It  is  a  subject  that  has  arrested  the  attention 
of  many  of  the  ablest  minds  of  the  country,  and  the  results 
of  experiments  have  been  thus  far  so  satisfactory  that  it  is 
almost  safe  to  predict  that  within  the  next  ten  centuries 
every  man,  however  poor,  may  pick  bull-heads  off  of  his 
crab  apple  vines  and  gather  his  winter  supply  of  fresh  shad 
from  his  sweet  potato  trees  at  less  than  fifty  cents  a  pound. 
The  experiments  that  have  been  made  in  our  own  state  war- 
rant us  in  going  largely  into  the  fish  business.  A  year  ago 
a  quantity  offish  seeds  were  subsoil  plowed  into  the  ice  of 
Lake  Mendota,  and  to-day  I  am  informed  that  boarders  at 
the  hotels  there  have  all  the  fish  to  eat  that  any  reasonable 
man  could  desire.  The  expense  is  small  and  the  returns 
are  enormous.  It  is  estimated  that  from  the  six  quarts  of 
fish  seeds  that  were  planted  in  the  lake,  there  are  now  ready 
for  market  at  least  11,000,000  car  loads  of  brain-producing 
food,  if  you  spit  on  your  bait  when  you  go  fishing.  I 
would  suggest  that  you  permit  the  subject  of  the  artificial 
hatching  of  fish  to  engage  your  attention,  and  that  you 
appropriate  several  dollars  to  purchase  whale's  eggs,  vegeta- 
ble oyster  and  mock  turtle  seeds.  The  hatching  of  fish  is 
easy,  and  any  man  can  soon  learn  it ;  and  it  is  a  branch  of 
industry  that  many  who  are  now  out  of  employment,  owing 
to  circumstances  beyond  their  control,  will  be  glad  to  avail 
themselves  of.  How,  I  ask  you,  coul  J  means  better  be 
adapted  to  ends  than  for  the  retiring  officers  of  our  State  to 
go  to  setting  on  fish  eggs?  Their  previous  setdowntary 


237 

habits  would  eminently  fit  them  for  covering   back   pay,  or 

fish  eggs. 

CONCLUSION. 

In  conclusion,  it  is  no  more  than  the  fair  thing  for  me  to 
say  that  I  have  entered  upon  the  duties  of  the  executive 
department  without  the  remotest  particle  of  diffidence,  and 
with  not  the  least  distrust  in  my  own  abilities,  and  with  a 
firm  belief  that  I  can  run  the  machine  alone,  without  your 
assistance ;  but  the  guidance  and  blessing  of  an  All-wise 
Providence  is  hereby  frankly  admitted  by  the  undersigned 
to  be  desirable.  I  hope  that  you  will  let  wise  counsels 
prevail  in  all  your  deliberations,  and  that  you  will,  by  your 
wisdom  in  legislation,  make  our  State  the  asylum  of  the 
oppressed  of  all  nations,  if  they  will  make  an  affidavit  to  vote 
our  ticket. 


THANKSGIVING. 


On  the  2gth  of  November  all  persons  are  requested  to 
cease  from  secular  labor,  by  both  Hayes  and  Ludington, 
and  give  thanks  to  the  Most  High,  for  life,  health,  happi- 
ness, wealth,  poverty,  plenty  and  other  things,  as  the  case 
may  be.  It  is  a  custom,  this  giving  thanks,  but  why  should 
a  particular  day  be  appointed  ?  Why  not  give  thanks  every 
day,  as  fast  as  you  get  things  to  be  thankful  for.  Everybody 
cannot  be  expected  to  give  thanks  on  a  particular  day. 
Better  give  thanks  as  you  go  along.  This  day  that  is  ap- 
pointed will  strike  some  in  the  full  tide  of  prosperity,  and  it 
will  strike  others  on  the  ragged  edge  of  despair.  It  will 
strike  some  with  heaKh  and  happiness,  and  others  with  sick- 
ness, poverty  and  discouragement.  It  will  find  some  at  the 
marriage  feast,  and  others  at  the  funeral  of  loved  ones,  who 
have  been  taken  from  happy  households,  stricken  with  dis- 
ease and  death.  Perhaps,  one,  two  or  three  rays  of  human 
sunshine  will  have  been  eclipsed  by  the  dark  cloud  of  death, 
which  comes  upon  the  horizon  with  no  warning  thunder, 
and  before  we  are  aware  of  it  there  are  still,  cold  forms 
about  the  house,  so  lately  full  of  life  and  joy.  And  then, 
this  thanksgiving,  in  the  last  days  of  cold  November,  seems 
illy  appointed.  It  is  the  season  when  you  are  skirmishing 
around  to  raise  money  to  pay  taxes.  It  comes  when  your 


238 

neighbor  has  quit-allowing  his  turkeys  to  run  at  large,  and 
when,  if  you  go  out  the  night  before  to  raffle  for  a  turkey, 
the  chances  are  that  some  fellow  with  a  blue  wamus  on  will 
throw  the  most  heads,  and  you  will  go  home  late  at  night 
with  a  sirloin  of  codfish  under  your  arm,  and  your  breath 
smelling  as  though  you  stopped  on  the  way  home  from  the 
Good  Templars.  It  comes  before  you  get  your  house 
banked  up,  and  the  cold  winds  blow  under  the  sills  and  up 
your  trowsers  legs,  and  you  look  at  the  remnant  of  a  load  of 
pine  slabs  and  give  thanks  that  the  slabs  have  not 
been  stolen.  It  comes  just  as  you  put  on  your  last 
winter's  red  flannel  drawers,  and  they  are  so  thin 
that  red  tissue  paper  would  be  warmer.  It  comes 
when  you  are  so  near  out  of  money  that  you  feel  like  a 
pauper,  and  the  sugar  is  out,  and  the  tea  is  gone,  and  every 
thing  is  mighty  seldom.  It  comes  unawares,  and  the  poor 
feel  it  amazingly.  But  the  rich  can  gather  around  the  fes- 
tive board  and  eat,  drink  and  be  merry.  The  rich  as  a  gen- 
eral thing,  do  the  eating,  while  the  poor  do  the  thanksgiv- 
ing praying.  O,  give  us  a  thanksgiving  on  the  4th  of  July, 
when  nature  is  bountiful  in  everything,  and  people  Can  go 
out  in  the  meadows  and  pick  strawberries  and  lemonade, 
and  they  don't  care  whether  there  is  any  wood  in  the  house 
or  not,  and  they  can  whoop  it  up  with  nankeen  pants  on, 
and  give  thanks  for  God's  sunshine,  and  go  barefooted. 
That  is  the  time  for  a  genuine  thanksgiving.  November  is 
the  time  for  a  shivering  dress  parade,  with  a  buffalo  robe 
over  you. 


DIFFERENT    MOUTHS. 


What  a  difference  there  is  in  the  expression  of  the  mouths 
of  different  ladies  while  singing.  Some  will  open  their  face 
so  that  it  seems  as  though  they  had  a  hinge  in  the  back  of 
the  neck,  and  as  their  un  er  jaw  wags  up  a  d  down,  and 
the  .  upper  jaw  wags  down  and  up,  the  tongue,  like  a  drill 
sergeant  seems  to  be  flying  around  trying  to  keep  the  teeth 
from  straggling  out  of  the  ranks.  Another  will  open  her 
mouth  so  it  will  look  like  a  chestnut,  and  it  seems  as  though 
an  ordinary  sized  note  would  have  to  be  dissected  and  taken 
out  with  forceps,  in  little  pieces,  and  at  every  quaver  and 
semi-quaver  she  makes  up  a  face  as  though  she  were  endur- 


239 

ing  untold  agony,  as  if  every  note  that  came  forth  from  lv?r 
diphtheria  establishment  hurt  like  having  a  tooth  pulled,  and 
you  look  on  in  agony  and  wonder  why  she  does  not  have 
chloroform  administered  to  her  before  she  sings.  Another 
will  jump  into  a  tune  on  the  run,  and  when  the  cavity  is 
open  you  notice  with  chagrin  that  her  mouth  seems  to  be 
slit  up  and  down  instead  of  crosswise,  and  while  she  warbles, 
her  teeth,  looking  like  ancient  monuments  in  a  neglected 
cemetery,  seem  to  drop  down  and  fall  out,  and  however 
sweet  the  music  may  be  to  the  ear,  you  can't  help  feeling 
that  the  mouth  was  put  on  when  it  was  warm  and  it  run  all 
over  her  face.  Then  there  are  roseleaf  mouths,  that  look 
sweet  enough  when  in  repose,  but  when  they  begin  to  open 
it  is  like  the  rosebud,  and  the  opener  it  gets  the  rosebuder  it 
is.  However  the  owner  of  one  of  these  latter  monihs 
may  try  to  torture  it  out  out  of  shape,  and  chew  tough  old 
notes,  she  can't  get  it  so  but  that  it  will  look  pretiy,  and  as 
though  you  just  wanted  to  ge'  right  up  and  dash  the  singing 
book  from  her  hand  and — but  then,  we  will  say  no  more. 
Those  ladies  in  attendance  ou  the  musical  convention  this 
week  had  the  latter  kind  of  mouths,  and  as  we  recently  saw- 
some  terribly  ugly  oiouchs  at  a  concert  in  Chicago,  we 
couldn't  help  noticing  the  difference. 

Ingratitude  is  one  of  the  greatest  of  crimes.  A  dog  at 
Fond  du  Lac  proved  very  ungrateful  last  week.  A  young 
man  named  Taylor  took  a  strange  dog  into  his  confidence, 
and  after  giving  the  dog  the  benefit  of  his  society  for  somt 
time,  he  soaked  the  end  of  the  dog's  bushy  tail  in  kerosene, 
and  set  it  on  fire,  with  a  view  of  enjoying  himself  at  the  ex- 
pense of  his  canine  friend,  and  expecting  that  the  dog  would 
enter  into  the  sport  with  great  zest.  How  did  the  ungrate- 
ful dog  repay  the  young  man  for  his  attention,  and  for  the 
raw  material  furnished  to  bathe  the  aforesaid  tail  ?  Did  he 
thank  his  benefactor  ?  No  !  He  went  under  the  barn  and 
set  it  on  fire  and  the  total  loss  was  six  hundred  dollars.  That 
was  like  the  cunning  Oshkosh  boy,  who  tied  a  hornet's  nest 
to  a  dc,g's  tail,  expecting  to  see  a  foot  race,  'Vhen  the  hor- 
nets began  to  come  out  and  light  on  the  dog,  the  ungrateful 
cuss  crawled  in  between  the  boy's  legs  and  wouldn't  go 
anywhere  else,  and  the  boy  was  terribly  mortified,  where  the 
hornets  lit  on  him. 


240 

CHRISTMAS. 

Before  another  SUN  shall  shine  upon  the  just  as  well  as 
the  unjust,  Christmas  will  have  arrived  and  departed.  What 
proportion  of  the  people  who  wish  each  other  merry  Christ- 
mas, do  you  suppose  think  of  the  reason  that  the  day  is  a 
holiday  ?  Not  one  in  a  thousand.  Do  the  young  fellows 
who  put  on  a  clelin  shirt  and  go  down  town  and  play  pool 
all  day,  and  drink  yellow  stuff  out  of  a  shaving  cup,  and  get 
chalk  on  their  fingers,  and  eat  liver  sausage,  think  that 
Christ  died  to  save  them  ?  No !  All  they  think  of  is  the 
prospect  of  sticking  some  other  fellow  for  the  game.  Do 
the  hundreds  of  thousands  of  people  who  get  up  a  big  feed, 
and  gormandize,  think  of  Christ,  or  the  poor  all  about  them 
who  have  little  to  eat  to-day,  and  little  prospect  of  more  to 
eat  to-morrow  ?  Many  ot  them  do  not  think  of  the  poor, 
or  of  anything  else  except  to  prospect  upon  how  much  they 
will  hold  and  not  get  sick.  Does  one  out  of  ten  of  the 
children  who  surround  Christmas  trees,  have  Christmas  ex- 
plained to  them ':  No,  all  they  ever  hear  is  Santa  Claus,  in- 
stead of  Christ,  who  never  went  down  a  chimney,  or  drove 
reindeers  in  his  life.  The  most  of  them,  if  told  of  the  blood 
of  Calvary,  would  think  it  uninteresting,  if  nothing  was  said 
about  reindeers  and  dolls  stuffed  with  sawdust.  There  is  too 
much  dress  parade  about  Christmas.  Too  many  Christmas 
trees  where  rich  ones  get  club  skates,  and  gold  napkin  rings, 
and  poor  children  get  popcorn  strung  on  a  string,  and  cornu- 
copias full  of  peppermint  candy.  It  is  cruel  to  invite  poor 
children  to  a  Christmas  tree,  to  stand  beside  rich  children, 
and  see  the  diffeience  in  the  presents.  If  poor  children 
ever  do  think  that  Christ  is  at  the  bottom  of  these  Christmas 
gatherings,  and  that  the  day  is  celebrated  in  honor  of  him, 
it  would  not  be  strange  if  they  thought  him  a  great  monopoly, 
that  used  unjust  discrimination.  But  they  lay  it  to  Santa 
Claus,  and  put  up  a  job  to  steal  the  club  skates  that  fall  to 
their  rich  neighbors. 


A  man  has  been  arrested  in  Berlin  for  burgling  the  coffin 
factory,  and  enough  that  he  stole  was  found  on  him  to 
result  in  his  conviction.  It  is  not  stated  how  many  coffins 
he  had  concealed  about  his  person. 


241 
A    SILVER   WE-DDINQ. 


[Per  several  years  the  city  of  La  Crosse  and  the  St.  Paul  railroad  had  been 
quarreling  about  a  bridge  over  the  Mississippi  river  at  that  point,  the  compe- 
tition of  which  called  out  the  following  from  Mr.  Peck,  In  the  La  Crosse  Suw 
of  Dec.  2d,  1876.  COM.] 

About  twenty  years  ago  the  bashful  Railroad  came  in  here 
on  foot,  and  proposed  for  the  hand  and  heart  of  the  blush- 
ing maiden,  La  Crosse.  The  parents  of  La  Crosse  objected, 
on  the  ground  that  the  bridegroom  had  no  visible  means  of 
support,  and  gossiping  neighbors  started  a  story  that  the 
character  of  the  suitor  for  the  hand  of  the  beautiful  maiden 
was  not  entirely  above  reproach,  that  he  had  been  guilty  of 
immoral  practices  in  obtaining  land  grants  and  things,  and 
everybody  seemed  opposed  to  the  match.  La  Crosse  ar- 
ranged her  beau  catcher,  fauned  herself,  hitched  up  her  pin- 
back,  slyly  gazed  at  the  manly  proportions  of  the  would  be 
bridegroom.  She  thought  she  saw  in  him  the  material 
for  a  first  class  husband,  if  she  gave  him  time  to  develop, 
and  after  awhile  she  threw  herself  in  his  outstretched  arms, 
he  hugged  her  to  his  manly  bosom,  kissed  her  on  the  mouth 
of  Black  River,  and  said,  "henceforth  we  are  one,  if  not 
more  so."  The  wedding  took  place  and  the  happy  couple 
settled  down  to  business.  They  began  keeping  house  in  a 
building  across  the  marsh,  and  in  the  course  of  time  little 
railroads  were  born  to  them,  and  after  the  lapse  of  about 
twenty  years  they  find  themselves  the  happy  parents  of  some 
of  the  healthiest  railroads  on  the  continent.  There  is  their 
big  boy,  running  from  Milwaukee  to  Prairie  du  Chien,  and 
his  child  running  from  there  to  St.  Paul,  through  Iowa  and 
Minnesota.  There  is  one  child  of  this  marriage  doing  busi- 
ness between  Milwaukee  and  Chicago,  another  between  Mil- 
waukee and  Oshkosh,  another  from  Milwaukee  to  the  Mis- 
sissipi  river  via  Freeport,  another  whacking  up  with  the  old 
folks  between  Milton  and  Monroe,  and  a  great  big  galoot 
running  from  the  apron  strings  of  the  mother,  La  Crosse, 
even  into  St.  Paul  and  Minneapolis.  There  may  be  more 
of  them  that  we  have  never  been  introduced  to. 

The  most  of  the  time  the  relations  between  husband  and 
wife  have  been  amicable.  La  Crosse  showered  her  treasures 
into  the  lap  of  her  husband.  She  said,  "  I  am  yours  truly. 
Such  as  I  have  I  give  unto  thee,  by  a  large  majority."  And 
the  husband,  the  railroad,  took  everything  she  had  to  give 


242 

and  said,  "It's  all  right,  Hanner,  you  and  I  understand  each 
other."  Of  course  there  have  been  little  spats  now  and  then. 
A  few  years  ago  the  Railroad  got  to  running  after  a  widow 
called  Winona,  and  for  a  time  the  friendly  relations  were 
"Cut  Off,"  and  La  Crosse  was  jealous.  She  looked  on 
calmly  at  first,  but  when  she  became  convinced  that  the 
Railroad  was  being  estranged  from  her,  and  when  the  sus- 
picions proved  well  founded  that  the  railroad  was  seek- 
ing fresh  fields  and  pastures  new,  and  plowing  with  the  Wi- 
nona heifer,  La  Crosse  got  her  back  up  and  prepared  to 
snatch  him  bald  headed.  He  applied  to  the  legislature  for 
a  cut-throat  divorce,  but  she  met  him  at  every  point.  She 
insisted  that  it  was  not  revenge  she  wanted,  but  she  must 
have  his  love  and  protection.  For  months  the  two  didn't 
speak  together,  and  both  suffered  untold  agonies.  But 
friends  got  them  together  after  a  while,  and  they  made  up 
and  fell  upon  each  other's  necks  and  wept.  We  saw  the 
meeting,  and  a  more  touching  sight  was  never  witnessed. 
The  bride  of  twenty  years  ago  had  become  a  middle  aged 
lady,  somewhat  given  to  en  bonpointe,  having  five  wards  and 
an  artesian  well.  The  groom  of  twenty  years  ago  had 
grown  corpulent,  bald  headed,  and  had  the  gout.  But 
when  they  came  together,  the  old  love  was  revived,  and  they 
clasped  each  other  in  an  embrace  that  was  terrific.  It  took 
ten  men  to  get  them  apart.  It  was  arranged  that  a  new  resi- 
dence should  be  built,  nearer  the  bride's  business  center,  and 
so  the  Vine  street  mansions  were  erected,  and  they  went  to 
keeping  house  again.  It  was  arranged  that  a  bridge  should 
be  built  so  that  the  children  could  cross  the  father  of  waters, 
without  the  danger  of  falling  overboard,  and  to  permit  the 
business  of  all  the  branches  to  come  home  and  see  the  old 
folks.  And  on  Monday  the  Silver  Wedding  occurred,  the 
groom  presented  the  bride  with  a  new  half  a  million  dollar 
bridge  as  a  necklace,  the  hatchet  was  buried,  the  old  man 
promised  never  more  to  go  off  gallivanting  with  widows, 
and  it  looks  as  though  the  trouble  was  ended.  While  we 
maintain  that  La  Crosse  has  been  true  to  her  first  love,  it  is 
true  she  has  received  attention  from  rivals.  She  has  cast 
amorous  glances  at  the  husband  of  Winona,  a  likely  chap 
from  Green  Pay,  and  he  returned  her  glances.  She  felt  as 
though  it  was  treating  Winona  as  she  had  treated  La  Crosse, 
and  while  she  was  not  in  a  condition  to  marry  the  Green 


243 

Bay  party,  being  otherwise  engaged,  she  adopted  him,  and 
gave  him  a  dowry  of  $75,000,  and  the  orphan  has  "shook" 
Winona  and  tied  to  the  southern  apron  string  of  the  city  of 
La  Crosse.  Another  suitor  from  Chicago,  the  Northwestern, 
has  tried  to  get  his  arm  around  La  Crosse,  but  she  has  com- 
pelled him  to  keep  his  hands  out  of  the  sugar  bowl,  though 
she  has  admitted  him  as  an  admirer  when  the  St.  Paul 
Road  was  away.  He  hangs  around  yet,  and  will  very  likely 
cause  some  jealousy  to  exist,  though  La  Crosse  is  true  to  her 
first  love,  and  we  will  bet  on  it.  She  has  a  smile  and  a  kind 
word  for  all,  but  however  well  dressed  they  may  be,  they 
can  never  enjoy  the  love  she  lavishes  upon  the  idol  of  her 
heart,  who  wedded  her  when  she  was  a  poor,  bashful  young 
thing,  liable  to  be  ruined  by  designing  railroads 

There  has  got  to  be  a  law  passed  to  punish  the  hardware 
dealers  for  selling  those  step  ladders  that  shut  up  like  a 
jackknife.  A  ninth  street  woman  got  on  to  one  the  other 
afternoon,  when  it  looked  as  though  there  was  going  to  be 
a  frost,  to  take  her  ivies  down  and  carry  them  in  the  house. 
We  don't  care  how  handsome  a  woman  is  naturally,  you 
put  a  towel  around  her  head,  and  put  her  up  on  a  step  lad- 
der about  seven  feet  high,  with  a  tomahawk  in  her  left  hand, 
trying  to  draw  a  big  naU  out  of  a  post  on  a  verandah,  and 
she  looks  like  thunder.  This  woman  did.  Her  husband 
tried  to  get  her  to  let  him  do  the  work,  but  she  said  a  man 
never  knew  how  to  do  anything,  anyway.  So  he  sat  down 
on  the  steps  to  see  how  it  would  turn  out.  She  said  after- 
wards that  he  kicked  the  ladder,  but  however  that  may  be, 
there  was  an  earthquake,  and  when  he  looked  up  the  air 
was  filled  with  calico,  toweling,  striped  stockings,  polonaise, 
trailing  arbutus,  red  petticoats,  store  hair,  and  step  ladder. 
He  said  the  step  ladder  struck  the  verandah  last,  but  as  he 
picked  her  off  of  it,  it  seemed  as  though  it  must  have  lit  first. 
He  said  the  step  ladder  must  have  kicked  up.  In  coming 
down  she  run  one  leg  through  the  baby  wagon, 'and  the 
other  through  some  flower  pots,  and  a  boy  who  was  pass- 
ing along  said  he  guessed  she  had  been  to  the  tuning 
school. 

A  St.  Louis  man  named  Coburn  drank  a  pint  of  whisky, 
on  a  wager,  and  died  in  an  hour.  And  yet  there  are  peo- 
ple who  say  whisky  never  did  any  good. 


244 
A  TONEY  SLAUGHTER   HOUSE. 


A  Milwaukee  paper  copies  what  THE  SUN  said  about 
killing  hogs  while  under  the  influence  of  chloroform,  at 
Keine  &  Wilson's  packing  house,  and  intimates  that  it  is  all 
a  lie.  Have  we  lived  to  this  age  to  have  our  word  doubted 
by  a  Milwaukee  editor  ?  This  is  too  much.  Why,  bless 
the  dear  man,  the  half  has  not  been  told.  The  firm  we 
speak  of  is  desirous  of  building  up  a  trade  for  gilt  edged 
pork  and  hams,  so  every  improvement  known  to  the  trade  is 
inaugurated.  We  did  not  think  it  necessary  to  describe  the 
whole  process,  but  now  that  our  word  is  doubted,  it  is  nec- 
essary to  do  so.  When  the  late  lamented  hog  is  transferred 
from  the  parlor  where  he  was  chloroformed,  his  body  is 
gently,  yet  firmly  placed  in  a  gold  lined  tank,  filled  with 
boiling  Florida  water  and  cologne,  where  the  body  remains 
until  the  bristles  become  loose,  when  it  is  transfered  to  a 
table  covered  with  purple  velvet,  and  the  bristles  are  removed 
by  the  gentlemanly  ushers,  dressed  in  the  fashions  of  the 
time  of  George  III,  armed  with  gold  candle  sticks,  studded 
with  diamonds.  Then  the  body  is  taken  by  easy  stages, 
into  the  presence  of  the  intestine  transporter,  who  reclines 
upon  a  downy  couch.  He  raises  up,  brushes  a  particle  of 
dust  from  his  sleeve,  and  with  a  silver  knife  cuts  the  hog 
from  Dan  to  Beersheba,  and  the  patent  insides  are  received 
on  a  silver  salver,  and  divided  among  attendant  maidens. 
The  inside  of  the  hog  is  washed  with  bay  rum,  and  sweet 
marjorum  is  put  in.  Then  the  hog  is  removed  and  cut  up. 
The  portions  salted  are  salted  for  keeps,  and  the  hams  and 
bacon  are  smoked  in  a  room  filled  with  incense,  and  when 
that  smoked  meat  comes  out  it  is  good  enough  for  a  king, 
or  a  queen,  or  a  Milwaukee  editor.  Lie,  indeed !  We 
should  like  to  see  ourselves  lying  for  one  hog. 

THE  SUN  is  no  alarmist,  but  it  can  see  in  recent  events 
what  it  believes  to  be  a  preparation  for  war.  All  of  the 
manufactories  of  fire  arms  and  cartridges  are  working  night 
and  day,  and  the  Oneida  community  has  just  received  an 
order  to  immediately  can  24,000  cans  of  baked  beans. 
Where  the  war  will  break  out  we  do  not  know,  but  all  this 
fixed  ammunition  is  not  being  fixed  for  no  4th  of  July.  It 
is  trouble. 


245 

A  GREAT  MAN  DEPARTED. 


If  THE  SUN  is  unusually  solemn  this  week,  and  reads 
more  like  a  dirge  than  ordinary,  we  beg  of  you  not  to  lay  it 
up  against  us.  We  have  lost  a  friend.  But  six  short  days 
ago  he  sat  before  us,  in  all  his  glory,  in  the  majesty  of  his 
conscious  innocence,  the  sun  rose  from  its  couch  in  the  lake 
in  the  morning,  wiped  her  lips  with  a  cloud  and  kissed  him 
among  her  first  duties,  watched  him  all  day  long,  and  at 
night,  as  she  blushed,  covered  her  face,  wrapped  a  fleecy 
cloud  about  her  and  jumped  into  her  bed  in  the  western 
horizon,  after  taking  down  her  back  hair  and  hanging  her 
hair  pins  on  the  gas  jet  of  a  star.  She  threw  a  kiss  at  him 
the  last  thing  before  pulling  the  billowy  bed  clothes  over 
her  head  for  the  night,  as  he  sat  on  his  express  wagon  in 
front  of  the  barber  shop,  his  eyes  closed  in  silent  devotion,  his 
mouth  open  as  the  rosebud  opens  and  distills  fragrance  all 
about  a  conservatory,  and  his  person  slopping  over  the 
wagon  seat  which  was  all  too  small  to  contain  the  noble 
form  of  our  friend,  without  sideboards. 

We  allude  to  George  Washington  Scolt,  our  colored 
brother,  who  is  no  more  on  his  customary  wagon.  It  is  not 
for  his  death  we  weep.  He  is  not  dead.  We  could  be  re- 
signed, had  death  stepped  into  our  earthly  garden  and 
plucked  this  tender  bud  of  promise  from  the  parent  stem, 
and  if  we  knew  that  George  had  been  transferred  from  his 
express  wagon  on  the  corner  of  Broadway  and  Wisconsin 
street,  and  that  a  pair  of  wings  had  been  screwed  on  him, 
and  he  was  an  angel,  a  two  hundred  and  fifty  pound  colored 
angel,  safely  landed  in  the  realms  of  the  blessed,  with  all  his 
things  there,  and  that  he  had  a  good  express  stand  in  the 
golden  streets  of  the  New  Jerusalem,  on  the  corner  of  Tall- 
madge  and  Beecher  streets,  for  instance,  and  that  the  other 
angels  know  him  as  we  know  him,  and  were  giving  him  odd 
jobs  of  hauling  things  at  two  shillings  a  load.  We  could  be 
happy  if  we  knew  George  Washington  Scott  was  in  heaven. 
But  he  is  in  Michigan.  Even  were  he  happy  in  Michigan, 
a  sweet  peace  would  steal  over  us,  and  we  should  say  it  was 
all  for  the  best,  yet  when  we  know  that  he  is  there  in  agony, 
his  great  heart,  as  big  as  a  patent  pail,  harrowed,  dragged, 
plowed  and  harvested,  and  that  he  stands  on  the  east  bank 
of  the  lake  gazing  languishingly  to  the  west,  shading  his 


246 

eyes  with  his  chubby,  fat  hand,  looking  for  a  piece  of  calico 
that  will  never  come,  that  is,  at  least,  hardly — but  we  will 
not  use  so  dismal  a  joke  as  "hardly  ever,  on  this  mournful 
occasion.  We  can  see  him  stand  there  like  a  Colossus, 
waiting,  waiting,  no  sail  from  day  to  day.  It  is  sad. 

Geo.  Washington  Scott,  our  colored  brother,  has  been 
deceived,  and  by  a  white  girl.  O,  look  not  upon  the  white 
girl,  when  she  is  well  red,  for  at  last  she  biteth  like  a  flea- 
pent,  and  stingeth  like  sitting  down  on  knitting  work.  O, 
why  should  the  white  race  cast  sheep's  eyes  at  the  noble 
colored  race  ?  Why  did  this  girl,  on  whose  face  there  was 
no  charcoal  mark,  pretend  to  love  George,  and  get  him  to 
sell  his  horse  and  wagon,  and  give  her  the  money,  and  tell 
him  she  would  meet  him  in  Michigan,  and  then  buy  a  ticket 
and  go  west  to  grow  up  with  the  country  ?  Bad  girl,  have 
you  no  heart  ?  Do  you  not  weep  when  you  think  that  a 
great  body  of  horrid  water  separates  your  lover  from  the 
land  he  loves  so  well?  But  we  know  how  it  is.  Love  is 
no  respecter  of  persons.  It  will  go  where  it  is  sent,  if  it  has 
a  ticket.  We  have  had  it  slung  at  us,  and  there  is  no  ar- 
mor that  will  ward  it  off.  Though  we  wrap  ourselves  in  a 
mantle  of  colored  human  meat  six  inches  thick,  the  eye- 
lance  of  the  lass  with  the  warm  hair  will  penetrate  our  armor 
a  block  off,  and  we  shall  think  it  is  rheumatism  of  the  heart. 
When  those  of  us  who  think  they  are  invulnerable,  succumb 
to  the  influence  of  lovely  woman,  and  when  there  is  love  in 
a  neighborhood  and  we  break  out  with  it  like  a  boy  with 
the  measles,  how  easy  it  must  be  for  the  poor  colored  man, 
unused  to  the  wicked  ways  of  the  word,  though  he  may  be 
strong,  in  his  mind — O,  he  gets  it  bad. 

George  Washington  Scott  was  a  man  who  grew  in  your 
estimation.  Modest,  unassuming,  there  was  that  about 
him  that  challenged  your  admiration.  In  repose  he  was  as 
harmless  as  a  child,  but  when  the  blast  of  war  blew  in  his 
ear,  then  he  imitated  the  action  of  the  tiger.  When  it  was 
rumored  last  summer  that  a  fraudulent  President,  with  his 
cohorts,  was  to  swoop  down  upon  the  unprotected  city,  Mr. 
Scott  was  the  first  man  to  offer  his  services — that  is,  he  was 
really  the  second  hand  man,  but  his  soul  was  fired  very  early 
in  the  fray.  He  bore  himself  with  dignity,  and  at  the  close 
of  the  awful  day,  when  the  wounded  were  in  the  saloons 
irrigating  their  tonsils  with  a  mixture,  his  spirit  hovered  over 


247 

the  battle  field,  and  his  friends  paid  for  the  saddle  he  used 
on  that  occasion.  Great  man !  Two  hundred  and  fifty 
pounder,  hail  and  farewell.  Michigan,  treat  him  kindly  or 
you  die.  But,  young  human  balloon,  beware  of  the  white 
girls.  All  they  want  is  the  proceeds  of  a  horse  and  wagon, 
and  then  they  forget  you.  O,  George,  why  did  you  do  it  ? 

The  law  to  compel  hotel  keepers  to  provide  rope  ladders 
for  every  room  above  the  second  floor,  is  said  not  to  be  en- 
forced, though  it  should  be  by  all  means.  The  law  ought 
to  be  amended  so  as  to  compel  guests  to  get  up  once  or 
twice  during  the  night  and  run  up  or  down  the  rope  ladder, 
outside  the  window,  in  their  night  clothes,  so  as  to  be  in 
practice  in  case  of  fire.  When  every  room  is  provided  with 
rope  ladders  there  will  be  lots  of  fun.  Those  men  who  in- 
variably blow  out  the  gas,  will  probably  think  they  have  got 
to  come  down  stairs  on  the  rope  ladder  in  the  morning,  and 
it  will  take  an  extra  clerk  to  stand  in  the  alleys  around  a 
hotel,  with  a  shot  gun,  to  keep  impecunious  guests  from  going 
away  from  the  tavern  via  rope  ladder.  And  then  imagine 
an  Oshkosh  man  in  a  Milwaukee  hotel,  his  head  full  of  big 
schemes,  and  his  skin  full  of  beet.  He  has  been  on  a  "bum," 
and  is  nervous,  and  on  being  shown  to  his  room  he  sees  the 
rope  ladder  coiled  up  under  the  window,  ready  to  spring  up- 
on him.  He  stares  at  it,  and  the  cold  sweat  stands  all  over 
him.  The  rope  ladder  returns  his  gaze,  and  seems  to  move, 
and  to  crawl  towards  his  feet.  Fora  moment  he  is  powerless 
to  move.  His  hair  stands  on  end,  his  heart  ceases  to 
beat,  cold  and  warm  chills  follows  each  other  down  his  trou- 
sers legs  and  he  clutches  at  the  air,  his  eyes  start  from  their 
sockets,  and  just  as  the  rope  ladder  is  about  to  wind  around 
him,  and  crush  his  life  out,  he  regains  strength  enough  to 
rush  down  stairs  head  over  appetite,  and  tell  the  clerk  about 
the  menagerie  up  stairs.  O,  there  is  going  to  be  fun  with 
these  rope  ladders,  sure. 

When  you  see  an  article  in  the  editorial  columns'  ol  a 
paper  headed,  "The  Political  Outlook,"  look  at  the  bottom 
line,  and  if  it  says  "sold  by  all  druggists,"  don't  read  it. 
There  is  such  an  article  going  the  rounds,  which  is  an  ad- 
vertisement of  a  patent  medicine.  It  is  a  counterfeit  well 
calculated  to  deceive.  Don't  read  a  political  article  unless 
the  owner's  name  is  blown  in  the  bottle. 


248 

America  is  to  be  visited  by  the  most  beautiful  woman  in 
all  England,  Mrs.  Langtry.  It  is  said  that  she  is  so  sweet 
that  when  you  look  at  her  you  feel  caterpillars  crawling  up 
the  small  of  your  back,  your  heart  begins  to  jump  like  a 
box  car,  a  streak  of  lightning  goes  down  one  trousers  leg 
and  up  the  other,  and  escapes  up  the  back  of  your  neck, 
causing  the  hair  to  raise  and  be  filled  with  electricity  enough 
to  light  a  circus  tent,  and  that  when  looking  at  her,  your 
hands  clutch  nervously  as  though  you  wanted  to  grasp 
something  to  hold  you  up,  a  sense  of  faintness  comes  over 
you,  your  eyes  roll  heavenward,  your  head  falls  helpless  on 
your  breast,  your  left  side  becomes  numb,  your  liver  quits 
working,  your  breath  comes  hot  and  heavy,  your  lips  turn 
livid  and  tremble,  your  teeth  chew  on  imaginary  taffy,  and 
you  look  around  imploringly  for  somebody  to  take  her  away. 
If  all  this  occurs  to  a  person  from  looking  at  her,  it  would 
be  sudden  death,  or  six  months  illness,  to  shake  hands  with 
her.  If  she  comes  to  Milwaukee,  there  is  one  bald-headed 
man  going  into  the  country  where  they  are  not  so  bad. 
You  bet ! 


How  beautiful  the  windows  of  a  millinery  store  look  be- 
fore a  fire,  with  its  hats  trimmed  with  gay  ribbons,  feathers 
and  pretty  furbelows,  and  its  creamy  lace  and  milky  white 
things.  And  how  like  thunder  it  looks  after  Rescue  Hose 
Company  has  squirted  water  up  one  side  of  it  and  down 
the  other,  knocked  windows  out,  and  caused  icicles  to  hang 
down  hats  where  feathers  hung  before.  It  is  just  so  with 
some  girls  when  they  go  to  a  picnic.  When  they  start  out 
in  the  morning,  arrayed  in  white,  starched  to  kill,  and  feel- 
ing like  a  morning  star,  look  at  them  ;  and  when  they  come 
back  after  the  dew  falls,  looking  like  wilted  lettuce,  you  can't 
kelp  thinking  of  it. 


The  Russian  government  is  making  an  average  of  four 
thousand  arrests  a  day  of  persons  charged  with  nihilism. 
At  this  rate  it  is  only  a  question  of  time  when  the  last  of  the 
conspirators  will  be  in  prison,  and  the  emperor  can  walk  out 
without  fear  of  assassination  from  his  wife  and  children,  as 
these  will  probably  be  all  the  people  that  will  be  left. 


17593 


